To get married without my children present?

[TinyRick]

I don't want a big ceremony. I just want to bish bosh get married with my df (not my dc's father).

My Dc are 11 and 5. They are happy that we are engaged.

But will they resent us if they are not part of the ceremony. We will have a gathering/party after. We just want the least fuss. But am I doing the wrong thing by essentially excluding them from the main deal?

Anyone else got married without the dc's involved? Or should it be a done thing?

If you are worried the kids will 'escalate' everything- don't tell them until the day before ;)
You can put one of them in charge of rings (if you want to up anxiety levels!)

I think it's extremely odd that you want to exclude your children.

This has disaster written all over it, doesn't it? Why would you even consider getting married without making your kids feel part of it? I can't think of anything more counterproductive.

I was married before I had my baby. But I wouldn't have not had my children at my wedding if I had them before I got married.
(My mum got married to my stepdad, and both my brother and I were there. I'd have been so disappointed if I wasn't part of the day).
And it's a nice way to celebrate officially becoming a family together (not that I'm saying you have to get married or be married to be a family)

Dc were very much part of our low key wedding. We could have done without our other guests and just had random witnesses but dc loved being there. Two of them did readings, one carried the rings and one carried a teddy which represented dc1 who died at birth. They really did us proud. Maybe yours could have jobs to do?

Tinyrick very glad to see you have included the children, I think to not do so would be very harmful to their relationship with you and their step father. I am an adult and I would have been hurt if my dm had got married without me there!

Now... "Okay new question...is it okay to just have my kids there and not any parents/pils?"

This is one where I would say if you really do not want them present you do not have to have them. Part of me wants to ask why your wedding has to be so small and private and I kind of see it as a tiny bit worrying that you do see it as something just between yourselves. It is a very alien concept to me as family is so important. And if family is important why would you want to exclude them! I don;t mean distant family, I mean close family.

But assuming you really do want to exclude them, and be clear in your own mind this is what you are doing by not inviting them, then I would see if you can come up with some sort of day which includes a very small private ceremony followed by some sort of party afterwards which family are invited to.

If I were your mum I would be very hurt that you would rather have a total stranger as a witness than me and your father. I would feel it showed you were distancing yourself and your husband from me and your dad. My friend invited only family to her wedding. Her husband-to-be chose to have his best friend as best man. She chose not to invite her best friend.

It took a very long time to heal that rift that that action caused.

Weddings tend to be a occasion for others to celebrate your private love and commitment played out privately in your home and bedroom for thousands of days in your life together, your wedding is one day you share this with your family and friends. I just wonder why you want to not share it with your parents?

Sorry if that sounds hard, I am a mum, a daughter and a sister and I would feel awful to be excluded from any weddings connected to those key features of my relationships to others.

Starwars dress sounds fun.

HairySunshine just saw your post "Two of them did readings, one carried the rings and one carried a teddy which represented dc1 who died at birth."

I am so sorry that you lost your child and very touched that you thought of such a beautiful way to remember your baby in the wedding service.

I'm totally that anybody would not want their children to be part of something like their wedding. I get not wanting a big fuss and lots of people, but I wouldn't think your children come into that category? I definitely don't think that having your children there means that you need to invite other family members if you don't want to, even parents/in laws. My children are just in a totally different league to me than anybody else so I wouldn't feel obliged to include anyone else because DCs were there. I mean, presumably you do loads of things with just DP and DCs without further extended family involved?

Dh and I got married without any of the kids.

We wanted it really low key and just about us. So we went to Vegas and got married with Elvis serenading us. It was lovely and very special.

We told the kids, they thought the idea of Vegas and Elvis was awful and they said they were glad they were not coming. Wanted to know what changes us getting married would make to their lives, nothing at all. So they were chilled. As it was a secret and no one else knew they did feel sort of part of it. We had a big party for friends and family when we got back, which they had a lovely time at. Parents and PIL, knew too and were fine about not going.

I see this very differently to other posters. You are already a family! The marriage service is just you and DP sorting out the legal side of things. I don't think it would be 'terrible' at all for you to have the extremely low key, quick, functional service you want. You could maybe celebrate with your children at a later stage in a more child friendly way - all going out for a special dinner, or whatever you would all enjoy.

I think because he's not their father that makes it more important that the kids are there. So they know it's not just about you and him becoming a married couple but the four of you becoming a family. All starting out on an equal footing.

I think because you are marrying their step dad, you would be wrong to do this. This could easily be seen by them as a sign of being excluded. Kids often worry about possible being excluded with a new step parent any way.

Sorry TinyRick I missed this...
"He has said that the kids and parents should be there."

"This is me and my anxieties."

So you are denying him the right to have his parents there. There may be good reason to. I don't know. But your anxieties, can you explain what they are and explore those a bit more. It may be your parents or in-laws are utter drama llamas and will spoil your big day, in which case I do understand, or it may be that your anxieties are around the idea of a big day, but 'big' is just a way we talk about the day, as in special, it could be very low key.

birdybirdywoofwoof "You can bring the DC in school uniform" I am pretty certain the kids would not want to be in their school uniforms on such a day!

I think it's a bit weird to not want children who live with you at the ceremony. It does seem a bit like excluding them. A lot more so than not inviting your parents.

But a registry office wedding isn't a big deal if you go for the plain version. It can, pretty much, just be the administrative/paperwork aspect of the marriage. I don't think you have to invite your children so long as you include them fairly centrally in what ever celebration you do have. But I don't think having them come along will make it into a big deal either.

My dad did this when my siblings and I were aged 5 - 9. I had a lot of anger/resentment about it when I was an angsty teen. Then I got over it and now it doesn't bother me at all.

I got married recently, dc were 14 and 10 at the time, ds was the 'best' man, dd my bridesmaid. They designed the wedding invite and we included them in our vows, as we both wanted it to be clear to them that we were celebrating our love and commitment to them, as well as one another.
It wasn't a big do, low key, not expensive and while I appreciate we are all different, I can't comprehend why you wouldn't want to include them

I also think that if you want a party to celebrate I don't understand why you wouldn't have your parents with you (as that's what your DP would like) at the ceremony (which can be very low-key)

I think you need to listen to your partner. Are you really stopping him having his parents at his wedding?

Your world will become very small if you shut everyone out. And more than likely your children would have never forgiven your choice to not have them there. It sounds like you don't see them as your primary family.

Ds was! - and he looked lovely of course!
He was so thrilled about being taken out of school at lunchtime, he'd have worn a rubbish bag!
He did have a pin flower or something.

Dh also spoke to them both before proposing, he wanted to be sure it was ok with them, I think it meant a lot to them.

I'd include parents and children as they'll be deeply hurt otherwise. I can't imagine my kids getting married without me (albeit they're inly 4 &8 lol)

There's something that feels a bit curious about this. There must be some underlying reason why you don't want your children there. As if a part of you wants to pretend that - just for those few minutes in the registry office - it's just you and him, the only two who matter, and the dcs aren't a part of that. It's sad - or at least it gives that impression.

It does feel as if there is some emotion or desire motivating it which contradicts what you're saying about a big happy family.

DH and I married abroad when DS was 4, he stayed with IL who took him to Disneyland Paris and we had a week long wedding/honeymoon (1st and last holiday as a couple in over a decade). No one batted an eyelid! Just assumed we wanted an exotic shag fest which we did and that was that. Obviously going to leave the boy with mental scars