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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married without my children present?

204 replies

TinyRick · 07/01/2017 14:51

I don't want a big ceremony. I just want to bish bosh get married with my df (not my dc's father).

My Dc are 11 and 5. They are happy that we are engaged.

But will they resent us if they are not part of the ceremony. We will have a gathering/party after. We just want the least fuss. But am I doing the wrong thing by essentially excluding them from the main deal?

Anyone else got married without the dc's involved? Or should it be a done thing?

OP posts:
NewPantsforaNewYear · 07/01/2017 17:24

Now (I think) we've established that you'll include the DCs, can we get into the important stuff - Star Wars dress?!!

Need to know more ...
https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/196262766/sale-star-wars-dress?ref=plasimilarr_listings#

harderandharder2breathe · 07/01/2017 17:25

I'm glad you decided not to exclude your DC

I think whether parents must attend depends on your relationship with them but that you need to invite both sets or neither really

lalalalyra · 07/01/2017 17:25

I think you'd be very unreasonable to insist on no kids and no parents if your DP wants them there. If it was him saying your kids shouldn't be there people would be calling him all sorts!

Even if you have you two, 4 parents/pils and your 2 kids that's 8 people. Still no huge palaver with bridesmaids and receiving lines and favours.

You need to find a balance between what you want and what your DP wants, it's his day too.

Treaclex · 07/01/2017 17:26

Don't exclude them as there will be resentment that they weren't included, speaking from experience

Crispbutty · 07/01/2017 17:27

"H and I married last year, just us and wedding planner and photographer as witnesses in Gibraltar"

I've got to ask.. Why would you need a wedding planner???? Confused

turquoisetoad · 07/01/2017 17:31

OP - please include your children if you can; after all, you are formalising a change in the family dynamic of which they are a part. My Dad remarried a few years after my mum died and my brother and I (late teens at the time) were excluded for reasons unknown. It was very hurtful but I respected their decision at the time. Years later (I'm in my late 40s now) I still ponder it and think it was a very odd thing to do especially as my step mum invited her side of the family! It set a precedence - they moved miles away from me and my brother and have not really included us much in their lives. We virtually have to make an appointment to see them and we've always been very low down in their priorities. Not much support of any kind over the years. I guess my Dad just wanted to move on from his previous life with my lovely mum which very much included his children. I hope I would never do this to my DC if I found myself in a similar situation.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/01/2017 17:33

It used to always be 'the thing' OP, but in these more enlightened times, it's not the done thing.

It might be a bit different if you were marrying your children's father OP as he would have always been in their lives but he's not their father, he's inserted into the family and so your children should be included.

MistressDeeCee · 07/01/2017 17:45

Children don't stay little. They'll grow, then ask you why you didnt want them at your wedding. & no reason or excuse will make them think you werent being unkind. You may not like the repercussions of it all. If you're cool with that then go ahead and exclude them now. Only you know. Makes me wonder if your man is a "don't want your kids around/featuring too much" type, and you're appeasing him. Or, do you feel strange at them being there, but the man you are marrying isn't their dad? Either way if they want to be there then its best they are there, I presume youve asked them

Purplebluebird · 07/01/2017 17:45

Yabu, if I were your kids I would be very upset if I didn't get to see the ceremony, no matter how small it is.

MrsDoylesTeabags · 07/01/2017 17:52

I think the thing is that sometimes when people plan to get married, they end up in this little bridezilla bubble about how their perfect day will be and forget what it's really all about.
I do wonder at the logic of having a wedding planner and photographer but not one family member at your wedding, but we all have different priorities I guess

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 07/01/2017 18:08

MistressDeeCee. Do you realise that you can highlight the OP's post so that you can at least read them, if nothing else?

He wants them there, or at least thinks they should be there, as well as the parents. It's the OP that doesn't.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2017 18:12

I'm glad you've decided to include your DC and I hope you have a lovely wedding. Make it about the 4 of you, whether or not you decide to also include your parents.

We got married last year and as much as we and my DSC were excited and happy about it before it happened, it's only since that DH and I have realised how very much their involvement meant to them.

We had a very small do, just us, the DC and parents and siblings and their partners, 12 people in all. Registry office, very low key. But the DC had special outfits that they've chosen to wear since for fun. And they've regularly brought up memories of the day like "do you remember the funny dog on the beach at our wedding", with the emphasis always on it having been OUR wedding, ie all of ours, theirs as much as ours.

If your DP always wanted the DC there then it's probably because, like me, he wanted to make a statement about embracing and formalising his/your new family as its own special unit. A huge part of what I love about my DH is what an incredibly father he is and I'll never forget looking at them standing beside us as we said our vows and thinking how lucky I am to have them all in my life. It might mean a lot to him to have those moments, in a sort of official way.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2017 18:14

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN I thought that was just a rumour! I've read the whole thread but how do you highlight the OPs posts?

pallasathena · 07/01/2017 18:15

Its a ceremony and a celebration of your love and commitment to each other. Not having your children there sends seriously negative signals to everyone, not least your kids.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 07/01/2017 18:21

TinyRick. I'm worried about your anxiety & your thoughts around your wedding.

I wish you could explain why you don't want your children there. I know you have accepted that most people think it's unreasonable and are going to allow them to be there because of that, but that really doesn't address the issue, that you don't want them there.

Not wanting them there when it's not their bilogical Dad you're marrying just seems so strange to me. To me, when you have children and then get married, having them there is surely important to show the commitment he is making to ALL of you, not just you. You and the children are a 'unit'. He's marry the unit, not just you...well, that's how I see it anyway.

trixymalixy · 07/01/2017 18:21

I couldn't contemplate not including my kids if I ever got married again. Hmm

2dogsonthesofa · 07/01/2017 18:24

I'm glad you are reconsidering whether to have your children there or not. I can only tell you that my ex didn't invite our dd to his second wedding. She never forgave him, and as an adult has decided she can happily live without him.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 07/01/2017 18:30

AnnieLovesGilbert

That's lovely about your DSC 😊

Up the top, where it says 'Talk' IF there is a downwards facing arrow in a circle you can customise your settings there. I don't think you can do it on the App. I don't use the App on my phone or iPad though.

Couldn't cope without the highlighting after years of having it!

JustanotherMortificado · 07/01/2017 18:31

That's awful.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2017 18:36

Awesome, thanks TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN Smile

They're next door now playing light sabers and making DH be their horse, madness, but I adore them and we left the Star Wars accessories at home for the (small) big day and they even kept the rings safe! Phew Grin

honeyroar · 07/01/2017 18:42

My stepson's mum eloped and married her second husband without telling anyone. He was 7 and really upset to miss it, although he never told her. We got married a few years later and had a very small wedding, but he was our best man and signed our certificate as well as our two witnesses.

Whenwillwe3meetagain · 07/01/2017 18:43

I was 23 when my dad this to my brother and I it was cruel behaviour and it took us a long time to get over. My stepmother admitted to my mil that it was a mistake to not invite us....

Ragwort · 07/01/2017 18:43

I think it would be fine, so long as it really is just a very quick ceremony with two witnesses and nothing else. You can then include the children in a small party or celebration.

I didn't go to my mother's second wedding when she married my step father - I was 3 at the time and until this thread have never given it a moment's thought (and it was over 50 years ago - DM and Dstepfather still very much a happy part of my life Grin).

Cheby · 07/01/2017 18:46

A colleague's mother got married recently and called her while she was at work to tell her step dad had now been made official. It was awful. Colleague is in her thirties but still felt dreadfully betrayed and was terribly upset at work, I can completely see why, such an insensitive thing for her mother to do. They had a big family party too. Didn't stop the hurt caused though.