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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married without my children present?

204 replies

TinyRick · 07/01/2017 14:51

I don't want a big ceremony. I just want to bish bosh get married with my df (not my dc's father).

My Dc are 11 and 5. They are happy that we are engaged.

But will they resent us if they are not part of the ceremony. We will have a gathering/party after. We just want the least fuss. But am I doing the wrong thing by essentially excluding them from the main deal?

Anyone else got married without the dc's involved? Or should it be a done thing?

OP posts:
Boolovessulley · 08/01/2017 12:14

I was meaning spending 2 weeks at a ' couples type' resort would not be the dcs gist choice for an annual holiday.
Also due to the ages of the dc, they would be expected to pay for it themselves and I'd hate for them to spend money going somewhere they didn't really really appreciate.

It's not going to be Disney world spectacular.

When my dc were young we turned down an invite to attend a wedding in the Bahamas because I knew it would not be great as a family holiday and quite frankly would have cost us an absolute fortune.

BlueClearSkies · 08/01/2017 12:24

Italiangreyhound It was lovely with Elvis. Our kids were all teenagers over 13 at the time, so yes older. We could not have afforded to take them with us.

I have just realised reading this thread that both my parents remarried without me there. I was in my 20's. I have never really thought about it so obviously did not bother me.

EnormousTiger · 08/01/2017 12:26

I think it's pretty awful. My children's father did this the second time round but my children aren't crying over it. I just think it's a big selfish. (They married abroad with just the couple there - their choice and it's much cheaper of course.... Some of them haven't even met their step brother yet)

People can marry in a church or registry office in the UK for just about no cost but instead prefer to exclude all family from weddings and indulge themselves abroad which says it all to me....

TheStoic · 08/01/2017 12:43

Some people are trying very hard to shame you for even considering this, OP.

Do what feels right. If you're asking the question, doing it without your kids may not have felt right.

To those adults whose relationships with their parent was 'ruined' for daring to do something as a couple without you - grow up. I hope your own kids are more reasonable and forgiving of any decisions they are not happy with.

Italiangreyhound · 08/01/2017 13:02

NewPantsforaNewYear Great dress ideas.

Blue glad it was all good.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/01/2017 16:54

Did either of your parents re-marry without you, Stoic ?

BratFarrarsPony · 08/01/2017 16:55

obviously not, Atrocioius

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 08/01/2017 17:08

stoic very easy to dismiss people's feelings with a casual "grow up" when you've not experienced what they have.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/01/2017 17:27

Exactly.

Whenwillwe3meetagain · 08/01/2017 21:04

The relationship with my father wasn't 'ruined' but it was damaged. And if he'd invited me he wouldn't have needlessly upset my brother and I. As is always Said on mn 'an invitation isn't a summons' but it would have been better to have been asked in the first place.

stoic sounds like a charmer!

TheStoic · 08/01/2017 21:54

As I said - good luck with your own kids. You will stuff up at some point, and I hope for your sake that they have managed to learn about forgiveness from someone else.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 08/01/2017 22:34

Stoic being sorry for something does not automatically undo the damage caused. And we're not all talking about parents who are sorry (which surely you should be if you "stuff up" as you put it). Yes we are only human and yes we will all make mistakes as parents but I don't think I'm ever likely to make such a huge mistake that it leaves my children questioning how important they are to me for years to come, no. I might hope that my children forgive me when I get it wrong but I don't expect my decisions not to affect them at all.

Ellypoo · 08/01/2017 22:37

My dad got married without me there, or even telling me he was getting married. I was 11, and haven't ever forgiven him.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/01/2017 23:50

Stoic of course we all make mistakes in our parenting. But lots of posters have written here about how this specific issue (one you have no experience of) has affected them deeply and you see fit to rubbish their feelings. Neither intelligent nor kind of you.

TheStoic · 09/01/2017 01:02

You have no idea of my experiences, which is fine because I haven't shared them here.

I could say it's perfectly reasonable and healthy to hold a grudge against your parent for years and years, into adulthood, for deciding to marry without you present. It is not either of those things, so that would not be a kind or intelligent thing to say.

MeekyChunky · 09/01/2017 01:10

Wow Stoic. Hope it made you feel better to give us all that gem. Hmm

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 09/01/2017 01:12

Ironically by wanting to do it so low key, it's going to have the opposite effect - it's a bit attention seeking to get married in secret without parents and/or children and then make the shock announcement.

Imbroglio · 09/01/2017 07:02

People don't choose whether to be hurt - it is just how they feel! It's not a matter of being 'grown up' but about being a human being.

I would be hurt if any of my kids got married without telling me. Apart from anything else it wouldn't be the best start to an in-law relationship with someone I would want to get on with. I think I would be ok about not attending the ceremony itself if they had their reasons, but I would like to be told in advance, trusted to respect their wishes and preferably allowed to make some kind of contribution suited to the circumstances.

As a child it isn't possible to be 100% rational about it. It's a message about how the people getting married about their family unit and you can't change your mind after the damage is done.

Ragwort · 09/01/2017 08:10

For many people considering a quick, civil wedding ceremony it is a short legal procedure rather than a full blown 'celebration' - so to watch two people signing a document isn't such a big deal in my opinion.

As I said earlier, my DM married my step father and I wasn't there (no one was except two witnesses) - they went out from work at lunch time, got married and planned to go back to work - although when their boss found out he did say 'take the afternoon off' Grin. I've never even thought about the fact I didn't go to the wedding until I read this thread and have no hard feelings at all. I have a very good relationship with my mother and step father.

There is no need for a big 'shock announcement' after the event either - not sure why so many people make such a drama over weddings.

meddie · 09/01/2017 09:26

My ex did this when he remarried. DD didnt find out about the wedding until 6 months after. it played a large part in why she no longer wants anything to do with him

dowhatnow · 09/01/2017 10:18

It will drive it home to the kids what they missed even more if they are included in the ex's wedding later on, especially if it a big event. They won't understand that the other parents event was low key. They will just know they missed out on an important, big event.

Otoh they will understand if they go to a low key event and then a big do. Then they will realise that people do things differently, but it won't matter because they were there for both.

dowhatnow · 09/01/2017 10:23

Also be careful op that you don't make your kids feel second best to your new DH in general. If you really prefer not to have them there, it really does seem that they are less important in general. Make sure they don't pick up on that in normal life. I'm concerned this may happen anyway. Regardless of whether they are at the wedding or not.

xStefx · 09/01/2017 10:26

Was this your DP's suggestion by any chance? only asking as I cant imagine why any mother wouldn't want her children at her wedding.

BroomstickOfLove · 09/01/2017 10:51

Hardly anyone in my family has had a wedding with more than a handful of guests. I did go to my stepmother's wedding, but wouldn't have been offended if she hadn't invited me. My sister got married with no guests, and I didn't mind. My stepbrother got married with no guests and told the family afterwards and it wasn't a big deal. If my mum decided to marry her partner, I would expect that she would let me know at some point afterwards, but would be amazed if she invited me, or if she had any sort of celebration because it would be very out of character. If you come from a big wedding family, I can see why you might be hurt, but I have only ever attended one family wedding in my life. If it's two witnesses signing documents in an office, I don't think that guests are particularly important, if children are included in other areas of family life. It's a bit like insisting that children should be there when you draw up a will it take out a mortgage.

dowhatnow · 09/01/2017 12:12

Not quite the same as dozens of pp's have testified. They have felt that upset.