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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married without my children present?

204 replies

TinyRick · 07/01/2017 14:51

I don't want a big ceremony. I just want to bish bosh get married with my df (not my dc's father).

My Dc are 11 and 5. They are happy that we are engaged.

But will they resent us if they are not part of the ceremony. We will have a gathering/party after. We just want the least fuss. But am I doing the wrong thing by essentially excluding them from the main deal?

Anyone else got married without the dc's involved? Or should it be a done thing?

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 07/01/2017 15:10

This happened to my mother as a child. It pretty much killed her relationship with her father and new wife, please don't do it.

CannotEvenDeal · 07/01/2017 15:11

My friend's dad this in his early twenties.

They don't speak now.

dollydaydream114 · 07/01/2017 15:12

You will have to have witnesses at the ceremony, even if there are no other guests.

I can't see why having your kids there as well is a problem. Having your two kids there isn't going to transform it from being 'bish bosh' into any kind of big deal, is it?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 07/01/2017 15:12

Why would anyone want to get married without their children present? I think it's awful, don't do it

Original poster
TinyRick · 07/01/2017 15:13

Thanks for the responses.

I kind of know deep down that I probable am bu. But I really, really want to it just to be us (plus witness) and that's it. It will not be a whole white wedding/big ceremony. But I can also see why it would hurt the dc. That's why I am conflicted.

Ideally I would love for us just to go away somewhere,get married and come to a party. But if it's going to affect my dc I would take just them with us.

OP posts:
PutDownThatLaptop · 07/01/2017 15:13

I got married abroad to my second husband. We were alone and did not take my DS(13) and DS(9).
The older one was not bothered but my youngest son always resented it.

PurpleDaisies · 07/01/2017 15:14

I kind of know deep down that I probable am bu.

It's deep down that you know it's wrong not to invite your own children to your wedding?

Randonneur · 07/01/2017 15:14

Having your children there won't make it a big wedding though? It's not like you're the Von Trapps, you have two children.

Original poster
TinyRick · 07/01/2017 15:14

Yes we all live together. I have 50/50 with their dad. So 1 week with me, 1 week with him.

OP posts:
FeralBeryl · 07/01/2017 15:15

My parents did this when I was 7-8.
Their excuse was that 'I thought they were already married'
To be fair - mum had changed her surname but at that age I probably wouldn't have realised either way.
However, as I got older - I've never quite forgiven them for not 'wanting me' there that day Wink

Littleballerina · 07/01/2017 15:16

Your children come first.
We're planning on eloping but we wouldn't dream of not including the children.

FelicityGubbins · 07/01/2017 15:16

Will you be happy to be wilfully banned from attending your children's weddings in the future op?

LadyintheRadiator · 07/01/2017 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TinyRick · 07/01/2017 15:18

Fuck. I know.

Second wedding and all that...

Okay new question...is it okay to just have my kids there and not any parents/pils?

OP posts:
ppleasebob · 07/01/2017 15:18

We recently got married. Like you we wanted no fuss, so we booked the smallest ceremony in the local registry office - cost us £46! However our two girls desperately wanted to be part of it, so in the end they were. The registrar gave them ring bearer duties! I think it would've been very unfair not to include them - we are a family after all. Does your DP take an active role with your DC?

Underthemoonlight · 07/01/2017 15:18

I think yabu your DC are part of you why wouldn't you want them there. Surely your dp sees your DC as part of you. Having them there isn't going to make it a big celebration

throwingpebbles · 07/01/2017 15:19

Yes, no need to invite anyone else but of course your children need to be there. To me, marriage is about publicly committing to be a family, so they are the most important guests.

SheldonCRules · 07/01/2017 15:19

It's a sure fire way of telling then they are not part of your new family.

Two children hardly make it a large wedding.

Chasingsquirrels · 07/01/2017 15:20

We considered it - just wanted to get married to cement our relationship do us not anyone else.
But when we talked and thought about I decided I didn't want to exclude my children, nor my parents, nor DH's mum. He felt the same about his children.

In the event we had a small registry office ceremony with us, my dc, his dc, my parents and brother, his mum and sister & BIL.
We also had a few v close friends (5 in total) who we invited to the ceremony itself.

sohelpmegoad · 07/01/2017 15:20

My Dad did, and I still have difficulty that he did, and my Mum invited us, we were 5 and 7, they both remarried within 3 months
i have a good relationship with my Mum and none with my Dad, although its not entirely due to their weddings, it did set the tone for our future relationship

bonfireheart · 07/01/2017 15:20

DF? Dear Father? Er, no! Dear Friend? Can't be. Oh, Dear Fiancé! As opposed to DP and the already unnecessary acronyms on here.

throwingpebbles · 07/01/2017 15:20

Fine if you wish to not have a parents /PILs.
but , again, isn't this about each joining each other's families really. So some kind of gathering with them to mark the occasion would make sense, in which case why not the ceremony?

Isadora2007 · 07/01/2017 15:20

Of course that's okay. Your children are your immediate family. Your parents are the next circle out. Only you and your new husband and children "need" to be there.

FinnegansCake · 07/01/2017 15:20

Having your children there doesn't stop you having the simple registry office ceremony with just witnesses as you want! I'm sure the 11 yr old can make sure the 5yr old behaves.

PurpleDaisies · 07/01/2017 15:22

is it okay to just have my kids there and not any parents/pils?

Yes, as long as you're prepared for them not to be particularly happy about it.

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