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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never come out as a Lesbian

203 replies

user1481835600 · 17/12/2016 21:28

I'm gay.

No one knows. I keep it to myself. I've been to gay bars but find masculine women so unattractive and have been completely unattracted to the stereotypical looking lesbian.
I'm very feminine myself.

My parents are strict Catholics and would never accept me. Same with my brother. I would worry the effect having two mums would have on my Son so I just leave it.

I've never been in love. At almost 30 I've never been in a relationship except with one man I knew there was absolutely no romantic feelings for but I dated as I wanted to believe I was straight. I have had crushes on some women and I fell in love with a woman at my old work place but never told her how I felt. She was lesbian and was quite flirty with me but I let her go without even letting her know I was gay.

I'm attracted to women. I have finally accepted and understood it. But I can never come out until my parents are gone. I can't do it to them. Plus, I just don't feel it's anyone's busines. As long as I can accept it within myself and understand that I am gay. It's not necessary for me to mention my sexuality or come out in any way. AIBU?

OP posts:
pipsqueak25 · 17/12/2016 21:29

yanbu, it is your choice if you come out

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 17/12/2016 21:32

YAB a bit U to yourself really, if thats who you are then you deserve happiness and a fulfilling relationship.

That said I do understand your concerns and I would feel the same, my parents are fairly liberal but I would still worry about their reaction.

Original poster
user1481835600 · 17/12/2016 21:32

Thank you pipsqueak. I'm happy being single and don't feel th need for a relationship anyway.

OP posts:
Chocolatefudgecake100 · 17/12/2016 21:32

Yes ull be miserable you deserve more than misery surely

Marmalade85 · 17/12/2016 21:33

It's your decision but you will spend many years fending off questions and being secretive. What happens if you meet the love of life and you feel you need to hide them? Do you want children?

harderandharder2breathe · 17/12/2016 21:34

Yanbu

But plenty of lesbian women (like yourself!) aren't remotely butch Wink

idontlikealdi · 17/12/2016 21:35

Sounds bloody miserable never coming out you can't live your live the way you want or deserve to.

Fwiw my lesbian cousin came out to her very old fashioned Irish catholic family and it caused a big drama. Met someone, married, had a child - all is good in the family now.

pinkieandperkie · 17/12/2016 21:37

Your parents might surprise you and be cool about it.

Rainydayspending · 17/12/2016 21:38

Always your choice. But is there any chance you're desire to protect yourself/ family dynamic / gulit is really worth what might be your long term happiness. And health?
Love is a wonderful (and also exquisitely painful sometimes) part of life, I hope you know you deserve love, a life, the joy of being loved. I hope for love for you.
I am a sap. Sorry

BlueNeighbourhood · 17/12/2016 21:38

You're totally not being unreasonable.

I'm gay, my partner doesn't want to tell anyone as feels she can't deal with it at the moment (despite her best friends being gay!) and with everyone knowing it creates expectation and we don't want that. As long as you find someone who doesn't want that side of things, family time, parties as a couple, people knowing, exactly like I do. I think you'll be absolutely fine.

Both of us are extremely feminine looking too, and we both don't really want people to know. So not unreasonable at all. Y

Gileswithachainsaw · 17/12/2016 21:38

I think you deserve to be happy op

It sounds as if keeping it to yourself is robbing you of the chances to meet people and fall in love and be happy.

I'm sorry you are in the situation where you feel your family won't accept you etc but you are gay whether or not you tell them.

Do you really think you can stay single and keep it secret your whole life? Is it worth sacrificing your chance at a an open honest relationship fir people who really should love and support you anyway yet won't?

Ultimately you don't have to tell anyone it's your choice.

But your post makes very sad reading Flowers

Rainydayspending · 17/12/2016 21:40

I say health becsuse the stress of living a lie made my great aunt's emotional and physical health diabolical. She suffered because she couldn't "be" gay.

wishparry · 17/12/2016 21:40

YANBU,if you feel that not coming out isn't holding you back from finding happiness.
But You shouldn't not be in a happy relationship just because You worry about what your parents and brother think,or because of the effect it will have on your son.your son loves you and You love him and I'm sure he will want You to be happy.
just so you know,my dgran was the most devout Catholic I have ever known,and when my cousin came out my gran wasn't upset in the slightest.
do what makes you happy,but please don't not get into a relationship just because you don't want to come out.you deserve to be happy just like everybody else Smile

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/12/2016 21:42

You're not doing something to your parents if you come out. They did something to you, making you think being gay was an issue. Having said that, you don't have to tell anyone anything about your sex life if you don't want to.

I do worry that you will be alone and unhappy for no reason. Sad

CatchingBabies · 17/12/2016 21:42

I was raised in a strict catholic family. I did what was expected of me and got married and had children. Then I announced I was gay and I was separating from my husband (who had known the truth for years). I won't lie it was hard and my parents were horrified.

But 7 years down the line and it's fantastic! My parents dealt with it, even my elderly grandparents don't care anymore. They've all met and adore my new partner, my children think it's cool having two mums and getting two Christmas days (they also have one at their dads) and I am so much happier for no longer living a lie and pretending to be someone I'm not.

What you do is up to you but be happy, don't let happiness pass you by because of what other people think or say. You only get one shot at life! If you want to message me and chat please do x

Original poster
user1481835600 · 17/12/2016 21:47

My parents would never accept it. They've spent their life being caters for my two brothers who have sadly passed away. I'm their only light in their lives and I can't take that away from them.

Once they're gone I will come out. I just can't do it to them now. They really don't like gay people at all and would be horrified

OP posts:
Original poster
user1481835600 · 17/12/2016 21:48

Carers*

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 17/12/2016 21:50

My uncle lived his life like this. His sexuality became known to the younger generation of our family but was always totally hidden denied by his parents, grandparents, cousins etc

It was his choice but honestly it was such a sad waste. He sacrificed being close to anyone to protect his parents (not just talking about relationships but being emotionally close to anyone in case they realised the "deep, dark secret"). Sad

CatchingBabies · 17/12/2016 21:51

Honestly they will come around! You are their child and sound like you have a good relationship with them. They will most likely be shocked and upset but they love you. Can you honestly say they would rather you were unhappy? Would you rather your child was unhappy for fear of upsetting you?

caroldecker · 17/12/2016 21:54

Many people did not come out in the past, but lived together as companions/house sharers. You can still be a lesbian and not 'come out' to everyone.

mummydawn07 · 17/12/2016 21:55

it's up to you if you come out as being gay or not, you've accepted it within yourself so that's a positive, and you don't have to tell people about your love life so surely you can see other women discreetly and hopefully you will meet someone special. I wish you all the best and hope everything works out well for you

PeachMelba78 · 17/12/2016 21:57

It is a real shame to put your life on hold. I am gay, out since I was 24 and 38 now, with children with my wife. We are both feminine women, as are plenty of lesbians.
It's your choice whether to come out or not but I wonder why you posted if you never want to come out?

Obsidian77 · 17/12/2016 21:59

It's your choice op but keeping such a fundamental part of yourself secret is painful and difficult.
You might find it helpful to read works by Brian McNaught, who was raised in a very Catholic background and is an author/speaker dealing with LGBT issues in the workplace (wikipedia probably a good place to start). I have heard him give presentations and he speaks with such warmth and wisdom I can't do justice to him in a quote or two here.

Dani240 · 17/12/2016 22:00

You don't need to decide to never come out now - it's good enough to say that you don't, at present, want to come out.

Are you planning to live a celibate life or are you hoping for a secret partner?

Whisky2014 · 17/12/2016 22:01

They wont just switch and hate you! I think this is so sad you cant show them who you are. They have Lost 2 kids im sure you being gay isnt that big a deal. They will be happy you are healthy and happy!

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