To never come out as a Lesbian

[user1481835600]

I'm gay.

No one knows. I keep it to myself. I've been to gay bars but find masculine women so unattractive and have been completely unattracted to the stereotypical looking lesbian.
I'm very feminine myself.

My parents are strict Catholics and would never accept me. Same with my brother. I would worry the effect having two mums would have on my Son so I just leave it.

I've never been in love. At almost 30 I've never been in a relationship except with one man I knew there was absolutely no romantic feelings for but I dated as I wanted to believe I was straight. I have had crushes on some women and I fell in love with a woman at my old work place but never told her how I felt. She was lesbian and was quite flirty with me but I let her go without even letting her know I was gay.

I'm attracted to women. I have finally accepted and understood it. But I can never come out until my parents are gone. I can't do it to them. Plus, I just don't feel it's anyone's busines. As long as I can accept it within myself and understand that I am gay. It's not necessary for me to mention my sexuality or come out in any way. AIBU?

You will find your way.

I have an aunt, she is now over 80, never married, as long as I can remember she has had a 'lady friend'. They used to work together, retired in the same year, never really lived together in that they had their own abodes, but one could always be found at the other's house. Used to go on holiday together. Support each other when they are not well.
The entire family has never questioned this arrangement
I have NO IDEA whether they are actually a couple, but I kind of hope that they are IYKWIM. There is not way on this earth I could ever approach the subject with my aunt...
So that's how that worked in my family. And we are not catholic and in fact have other openly gay family members.
Weird, really.
Maybe it was her preference to keep it all v private? I don't know.

I hope you can continue to tell people and that you receive support from them .

Peach Thankyou , I will bear that in mind .

YANBU - it's your choice to come out or not. Although, I do think that you may find it a little hard to live a lie, effectively. I think your parents may surprise you, but don't feel forced to tell anyone. I have a lesbian dd (15) who told me after struggling with MH problems, and is so much happier now with her wonderful girlfriend. You sound lovely. Do what makes you happy OP

pacific

One of my aunts, around... 50 is gay. (Or bi, I guess. Idk, she has a long term partner).

She's always been in the company of women, some of them openly gay. So... my very tolerant father once asked his wife whether she thought his sister was gay. She was unsure...

Anyhow, a few years later said sister introduces her girlfriend.
My grandmother was: "oh well, I've always known. You always hung out with these women and never were with men".

The very private aunt was standing there and like: "Ok, thanks, I guess." Turns out she has had several boyfriends but simply never introduced them.
Not sure if I deliver it well. But it was quite amusing to watch, tbh.

My parents are known to be less than accepting of gay people generally though. They're known to be very conservative and have important roles in the local catholic community.

I really do think that genuinely loving parents may suddenly find a change of heart for their child!

They may suddenly find that there 'important roles' are not as important as their child. Give them the chance to prove it.

While the majority of families are warm and accomadating of their gay children and most of the rest find some kind of compromise, some families do reject their children. Their own bigotry or their standing in the community means more to them than their kids.

The OP knows her parents and her guess at how they will react is worth more than the guesses of the rest of us put together. I think it's best to respect her judgement, rather than to tell her she's got it wrong.

It will be a shame if the OP finds that she no longer meets with her parents approval but, overall, it will be easier to live with than being in the closet.

sarnie

That is unfortunately true.

DM has a friend who is in what I'd call a bit of a fringe religious group (new apostolic church. One of the churches that baptise the people in the beyond).

A local leader had a gay son and whilst they never disowned him he seemed to have been treated with utter contempt.
So, whilst my comments have been in favour of being true to yourself...

Whatever you do, think of the best and the worst outcome. I know, it's discouraging.

But if you do ever decide to tell them it is possible that they are unwilling to accept it. Please make sure you have a good support system of several people and financial security (Idk how old you are, sorry!) and the stunt girlfriend seems like a very good idea, btw.

If you don't tell them.. please try your best to live your life in a way that allows you to be happy. Also with lots of people that support you etc.

Good luck.

They won't accept me being gay. They were staunchly against me aborting my child when I was pregnant due to violent rape. They have very very strong views and won't budge on anything that is against the dogma of the Catholic Church.

I now wish I had had an abortion and while I don't actually feel pressuried by them, their beliefs around so many things stayed with me until quite recently. The dreaded 'catholic guilt'.

I do now feel I've come to a place where I have my own moral views and have made my own moral code of what is right and wrong.

I have a degree in religious studies so at least have a good understanding of their views and where they come from.

In a weird way I admire them. They know their own mind and haven't been swayed by society which I do respect (definitely don't agree with most of their views).

I don't think they would disown me if I came out as gay. But they would be very disappointed. At the moment they are very proud of me and my Son and I bring them great joy. If I was to be gay they would be embarrassed and ashamed as well as disappointed. None of those emotions are something I want my parents to experience from me.

After the life they have had I want to bring them happiness and being gay won't bring that. Obviously that is wrong but they're not bad people. They've just be brainwashed from the moment they were born to be catholic. So believe it because they were born with it.

User

Apparently, Panti Bliss' mammy is a Host of the Eucurist and but all accounts, is still very proud of her son.

I'm very sorry to hear you were raped. I don't have anything wise or comforting to say, I'm just really sorry that happened to you.

Thank you everyone. Yes I did react differently to my catholic upbringing but I'm in my twenties while my parents are almost 70. So they come from a different generation. Maybe I'm just making up excuses as their my parents but I love them nonetheless

They're*

I am so sorry for what you went through

I've not read all the posts, but I feel incredibly sad for you. It's sad you feel that you can't be yourself with your parents. Maybe you need to trust them? If they love you unconditionally then ultimately they will never be disappointed in you.

I've no advice but I can tell you of someone I know who is the parent, who was on the face of it not very understanding of homosexual relationships.

he has just walked his daughter down the isle, she is now married to a lovely woman.

It did take him a while to understand it, but only because he thought his daughter was straight. When he found out she was in a serious relationship with a woman and then discovered that they were only telling him because they wanted to get married he wanted to meet this woman.

Not to be cross or angry but to make sure this person who was so important to his daughter was going to be their for her through thick and thin. Ultimately he didn't understand his daughters sexuality but he loved his daughter and he wanted his daughter to be loved, by who ever she chose to be with.

This thread has made me cry. I'm so sorry for what you went through, OP . I'm so glad you were able to tell your friend. You sound like a very strong woman.

Oh for fuck's sake!!!

This made me so fucking angry. And then I had to go cuddle my baby daughter and nearly woke her up.

So, you say your parents had shitty lives and you want to make them happy, right? Yes, this does make sense. But their happiness does not trump yours! Would you want your child to be unhappy to make you happy? You being happy and healthy should make your parents happy.

I'm not saying you have to tell them. But please take care of yourself.

and I need to give my father a ginormous hug this Christmas for being such a great dad, I think he just knew, Sigh. Sorry, I'm rambling. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I wish you and your son all the best.

Thanks everyone. I do actually think my parents are amazing parents. Just religious with religious morals. But they're very devoted. They love me and my Son unconditionally.

They would never disown me they would just be disappointed. I feel like I've repeated the same thing over but I don't feel upset about being gay essentially and feel happy to be open with friends but not family

If you're happy then that's all that counts.

Living openly without feeling that you have a dirty secret can be most freeing.
You can come out as much or as little as you want. Every time I have come out I felt like a bit of weight is off my shoulders. Ultimately being gay is not 100% popular so you will always find some that look down on you. Remember it is about Their own narrow mindedness, not about your own worth. As far as I am concerned I cannot keep a secret but my parents choose denial for several years. They finally got it. It was chaos at first but now it seem we are getting somewhere. Still expecting mum's viper tongue to strike at some stage at Christmas time.

When you say your parents love you unconditionaly that mean they do not care if you are gay or not. It is obviously not the case so religion's principles is actually a condition for you receiving their love.

I'm not sure coming out to your parents is your biggest issue. You are a 30 year old woman without an active sex/love life. I get the impression you have not slept with a woman as yet and I think to some extent you are putting the cart before the horse. Not being true to yourself physically and emotionally is very bad for you. My wife was 30 before she first kissed a woman ....mainly because of worrying what people and her mother in particular would think. I was her first serious relationship at 35. She now sees this as wasted time and regrets being alone/celibate for so long. Perhaps you need to start to come out to yourself by experimenting with girls first. Telling parents is a long way down the line and you may not want to unless and until you are in a full relationship. It all sounds very cerebral at the moment. Do you still live at home?

I'm actually only 27. My idea of being 'almost 30'. I've realised now it's not what most people regard as being 'almost 30'. 😂

I've kissed one woman but done nothing more. I've not kissed a guy willingly for over 5 years and so only really slept with men in my late teens when I went to university.

Ive never had this desire to be with someone though. I'm one of those people who is quite happy being single so while I wouldn't reject a relationship, I wouldn't look for one either or come out until I'd actually found someone to spend my life with.

I've been living away from home since I was 18.

I'm not gay, but did grow up in a devout catholic household with parents of a similar age to yours. I think the church of the day really did a number on gays because my mother has grown quite tolerant but would still hold the view that gay people are promiscuous, or that they choose to be gay and just are being awkward about finding an opposite sex partner.

Part of it stems from the teaching surrounding sex. To DM, sex is PIV only. The church basically brainwashed them to believe that anything other than missionary in the dark was lustful and therefore sinful. So no foreplay. No oral. No even looking at your naked body in a mirror for even non-lustful reasons.. It's why she could never breastfeed. Because that would involve actually having to look at her breasts, handle them, expose them and so on. So even though she knew she was 'allowed' to breastfeed, that it was the best for her babies, she couldn't mentally get past it being drummed into her that looking at or exposing her breasts even to herself or her baby, was a form of fornication.

Sad, isn't it? To her, oral is disgusting. Foreplay other than a bit of kissing is sinful. She knows that gay men do anal. Which was illegal during her lifetime also. And the church has led her and her generation to believe that they do it every chance they get, all the time, with as many men as they can. She has zero idea of what lesbians might do in bed. She is staunchly pro-life. I cannot and will never tell her that I am firmly pro-choice. It would cause a family rift and even though I'd never personally contemplate a termination for me, in her mind I'd be as bad as a woman who had one because I refuse to judge another woman's choice and if a friend needed and wanted to get one, I'd hand-hold all the way with love and support.

Why not do what most of us do with our religious parents and simply get on with your life and if you happen to have a significant other who they choose to believe is simply a best friend. And if at some point they suspect you are more than friends, they can ask you. Chances are it wouldn't even occur to them you and your friend are a romantic couple because they would view it as them not raising you to be gay IYKWIM?

I've never discussed my sex life with my mother. You don't need to either.

Cross the bridge when you come to it.

Hi OP I just thought I would respond to your thread because you remind me of myself 20 years ago. It's always your choice whether or not you come out and of course like a PP said coming out is not some big announcement but a lifelong thing, e.g. If you are in a relationship and want to casually mention your partner in conversation the way straight people can with no controversy. It sounds like you are making a choice to be celibate which might work for you, however you are obviously thinking about the process otherwise you wouldn't have made a thread about it on here. You may like to consider getting involved in a catholic gay group such as questgaycatholic.org.uk where you can meet people from the same background as you who can empathise with your situation. I am now out to my strict catholic family and have a wife and 2 kids. All my family still speak to me except for one cousin who is a contemplative nun. However I did not come out to my family until I was in a position to manage without them, in case the outcome had been negative. Good luck 🍀