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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never come out as a Lesbian

203 replies

user1481835600 · 17/12/2016 21:28

I'm gay.

No one knows. I keep it to myself. I've been to gay bars but find masculine women so unattractive and have been completely unattracted to the stereotypical looking lesbian.
I'm very feminine myself.

My parents are strict Catholics and would never accept me. Same with my brother. I would worry the effect having two mums would have on my Son so I just leave it.

I've never been in love. At almost 30 I've never been in a relationship except with one man I knew there was absolutely no romantic feelings for but I dated as I wanted to believe I was straight. I have had crushes on some women and I fell in love with a woman at my old work place but never told her how I felt. She was lesbian and was quite flirty with me but I let her go without even letting her know I was gay.

I'm attracted to women. I have finally accepted and understood it. But I can never come out until my parents are gone. I can't do it to them. Plus, I just don't feel it's anyone's busines. As long as I can accept it within myself and understand that I am gay. It's not necessary for me to mention my sexuality or come out in any way. AIBU?

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 17/12/2016 22:28

YANBU to anyone but yourself, living a lie and never really living the life you need to.

You might be surprised at your parents acceptance, but you are certainly judging them by not giving them the chance to accept you as you are and may well be surprised!!

Original poster
user1481835600 · 17/12/2016 22:29

Sorry if it's misleading. My parents have met my best friend who is a gay man. The friend who told
Me my parents are the way they are does not know him or know he's gay. So she presumed they had never met an openly gay person.

This isn't true in fact as my dad works with several gay people.

My parents are known to be less than accepting of gay people generally though. They're known to be very conservative and have important roles in the local catholic community.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 17/12/2016 22:29

Confused Why do you think it doesn't need to be a big announcement?

I teach students aged 18-21. I see a lot of people at the age where they're figuring out their sexuality or coming out for the first time. And I am part of a local lesbian group, and I came out when I was 13, 15, 18, 22, and 29 (and continuing on ...).

I think you are massively discounting what coming out is like for most people. I think this is totally normal, btw. But it is making you feel that you are in a unique situation and that things most people negotiate, will be impossible for you. Of course, none of us can know your parents and it may be they genuinely are at the horrible end of the spectrum where they will never accept you and will be deeply unpleasant about it. But - it is a spectrum. Many, many other woman will have been through the same as you would go through, and they would be able to support you if you were able to reach out to them.

Original poster
user1481835600 · 17/12/2016 22:30

What I meant is if they truly met a guy person they would see gay people in a different light. They may meet my best friend of work colleagues fleetingly, but they've never really spent proper time with anyone they know is gay.

OP posts:
HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 17/12/2016 22:30

You aren't doing anything to them though. You are the way you are.

They may be unhappy at first. They are adults, they can think and learn and reflect and come to new conclusions. If we believe the different Popes even God can change his mind over time, so I'm sure your parents can Grin

LRDtheFeministDragon · 17/12/2016 22:30

user - no, I figured that out!

I mean, it can't be both, so obviously you know your friend is wrong, and the situation is not quite as she thinks. Your parents are bigots, but bigots who did accept your gay friend into their home. So that is what you work on - horrible as it seems. If you decide to go that way.

PickAChew · 17/12/2016 22:31

They really don't like gay people at all and would be horrified

That's their problem and not yours. Why bow down to their prejudice and ignorance? What happens if you do meet a woman, away from the artificial and less than ideal pick up situaton of a bar of any sort, who really does make your heart sing? Are you going to keep your distance and possibly lose her just to appease your parents' unreasonable POV?

1horatio · 17/12/2016 22:34

Well, if they want to blame somebody they can blame their gay vagina, or gay sperm 😉

It's not your fault. Not that there is any fault, because it's ok.

You're parents can either accept it or be miserable sods.

I know, theyre you're parents and if you are genuinely happy this way and don't think there's room for improvement? Sure.

But loving you'r parents doesn't mean hiding yourself. Especially because you are not harming them or anybody else. Even in they're messed up Bronze Age ideology you're just hurting yourself. You are an adult and get to do that.

Rudymentary · 17/12/2016 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

1horatio · 17/12/2016 22:36

Oh gosh.

Grammar corrected thingy!

You are, your parents, their ideology.

😂😂

RainbowJack · 17/12/2016 22:38

Honestly they will come around!

How do you know that? Surely OP knows her parents better than you. And some people don't come around.

user1481835600 Don't feel bullied into coming out. It's up to you if you do or don't. It's up to you if you tell people or not. You don't have to justify anything to anyone. IT'S YOUR CHOICE! and don't let others take it away from you.

Original poster
user1481835600 · 17/12/2016 22:38

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the replies. Maybe I will start being open about my sexuality when I meet new people. That I think I can do

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 17/12/2016 22:40

I agree that many devout Catholics would accept a close relative being gay. Because we should accept people for who they are even though we might not agree with their way of life. But in the end it's up to you if you want to keep this private.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 17/12/2016 22:40

That's a really good strategy - just tell a few people, see how it feels, and go from there?

Maybe also look out a local lesbian group? It's nice to have the support.

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 17/12/2016 22:41

My BF is50 and has never come out to his parents and never will

They live on a different continent though, and they know deep down

1horatio · 17/12/2016 22:45

I also started out slowly.

I unfortunately was in a remarkably homophobic environment (for being non-religious) and took a 'bit' of a bashing, sometimes. But in my case that was worth it. I would never want to trade my first relationship with my still best friend (we've known each other before getting together). So yeah.

I mean, life can be shitty. Living a lie makes it shittier imo...

So, just try it out. Maybe you meet somebody that makes you decide standing up to your parents is worth it.

Just try your best to experience a 'maximum level of happiness' or something, I guess 😊

Take care.

Darthvadersmuuuum · 17/12/2016 22:50

Why can't you date women anyway. No one needs to know WHO you're dating (unless you live in a small town).

Serin · 17/12/2016 22:53

I think I would start by gently challenging your parents every time they said something remotely homophobic.

We left the Catholic Church after my lovely cousin killed herself after being cut off by her parents for being gay.

Do what is right for you OP, but FGS look after yourself.

CaraAspen · 17/12/2016 22:57

It is, of course, your choice but it seems sad to me that you are denying your true self. This is about you and being true to yourself.

SuperRainbows · 17/12/2016 22:59

My Mum is 81 and a very strong Catholic, but she has amazed me so many times over the years with how she has reflected on various issues and embraced change. I am so proud of her!
Don't underestimate your parents. You deserve to be happy.

1horatio · 17/12/2016 23:00

serin

I'm very sorry for your loss.

OP, please take care of yourself and don't forget that happiness, acceptance and love is possible.

Being gay does not make you a bad person (I am not saying you think it does). And if your parents can't accept you then they are the ones being wrong, not you.

piglover · 17/12/2016 23:02

Even the Pope is loosening up on sexuality issues these days. I am sad that it's 2016 and people like you are still frightened about being what you are (not being critical - I was brought up Catholic too back in the 70s and I thought my mum would never accept me either. I finally found an amazing partner and my mum loves her very much.

CrazyCavalierLady · 17/12/2016 23:05

As the mother of a young gay woman this breaks my heart. I'll be honest here it's not a choice most people would make for their child and whilst many of the reasons are a little selfish (weddings, grandchildren, etc - all of which are of course these days non-issues) at the core of it we all want an "easy" life for our children, we all want them to be accepted and, sadly, whilstever people like your parents exist in the world that won't happen.

I find it heartbreakingly sad that your parents would judge you less, not for who you love, because as women we love lots of other women, but for who you sleep with. Surely as an adult our sex lives are private? I don't wish to discuss or know about either of my daughters sexual relationships, providing they are in happy consenting relationships I'm happy. So to my mind if they, or you, can find someone who loves and respects you then gender is irrelevant.

You can live an honest life outside of your immediate family and I'd suggest that for your own wellbeing you do so. I don't think you've mentioned your parents age but life is too short to live a lie.

I wish you every happiness in the future Flowers

DurdleDurdle · 17/12/2016 23:06

My best friend is gay and my parents make him eat and drink from disposable plates and cutlery!!!

Hmm How does that work then....

Obsidian77 · 17/12/2016 23:06

I don't intend to get into a sustained theological debate but afaik, as Catholics they are Christians, ie folllowers of the teachings of Jesus, who never once condemned homosexuality.
The homophobic parts of the Bible are usually from Leviticus (read it and see how totally batshit is is) which forbids many things that are either irrelevant or illogical to us, such as eating prawns, wearing clothes made of more than one fabric or men cutting their hair/shaving. If for example, your dad has ever shaved, or if he has had a rash/skin condition and seen a doctor for treatment instead of going to a priest to be ritually purified, he can't literally believe in the teachings of Leviticus and therefore has no solid theological grounds to be homophobic.