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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never come out as a Lesbian

203 replies

user1481835600 · 17/12/2016 21:28

I'm gay.

No one knows. I keep it to myself. I've been to gay bars but find masculine women so unattractive and have been completely unattracted to the stereotypical looking lesbian.
I'm very feminine myself.

My parents are strict Catholics and would never accept me. Same with my brother. I would worry the effect having two mums would have on my Son so I just leave it.

I've never been in love. At almost 30 I've never been in a relationship except with one man I knew there was absolutely no romantic feelings for but I dated as I wanted to believe I was straight. I have had crushes on some women and I fell in love with a woman at my old work place but never told her how I felt. She was lesbian and was quite flirty with me but I let her go without even letting her know I was gay.

I'm attracted to women. I have finally accepted and understood it. But I can never come out until my parents are gone. I can't do it to them. Plus, I just don't feel it's anyone's busines. As long as I can accept it within myself and understand that I am gay. It's not necessary for me to mention my sexuality or come out in any way. AIBU?

OP posts:
CondensedMilkSarnies · 18/12/2016 15:48

"I'd rather you were with the right man than the wrong woman".

This x1000

Would people be happy to do away with the titles Husband or Wife and use Partner instead ? To save assumptions ?

user1471537877 · 18/12/2016 15:53

Hi user

My sister is gay and just like you she felt she would be rejected by our mother if she came out

Then out of the blue our mum did die, quite young and it was too late to tell her who she really was

When my sister eventually came out to me (she's my older sister by 9 years) she was distraught

The thing is my mum and I had known for years, it was a complete non issue but my sister had built this wall around herself too frightened to share

I was able to tell my sister that all mum actually wanted was for her to be happy and herself

Please before it's too late be who you are and proud, my sister has now been with her partner for 16 years and my children have grown up with 2 aunts

Oh and neither of them are remotely butch, it's not a defining feature of lesbians!

OohhItsNotHoxton · 18/12/2016 15:59

I get why you feel as you do re coming out. But I have to say my heart goes out to you. It must be a horrible place to be in.
My DDs best friend died recently in horrific circumstances, part of the investigation into his death revealed he was gay. He had kept it from everyone for fear of how they would react. All I can tell you is that everyone who loved him has been distraught that he didn't feel able to tell us who he was.

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 18/12/2016 16:31

How are they going to know you're gay unless you pack on the touchy feeliness in front of them? I'm heterosexual but never was affectionate in a sexual way in front of my parents. If you hang out with other women, unless you're going to behave inappropriately in front of your parents, surely they will just assume they are friends of yours.

While I'm sure that you're not trying to be offensive, this is one of the most Ill considered and ignorant things I've ever read.

Gay people don't come out in the expectation that they can behave inappropriately in front of people, they come out so that they can have some level of honesty in their lives.

Presumably, you and your husband don't have sex in front of your parents but try and put yourself in the position when you could never discuss your relationship, where you could never have friends or family visit without stripping your home of every photograph of your together or your kids. Imagine what it would be like to have two separate phone lines in your house, so you didn't answer his mum too often and cause suspicion. Imagine not being able to visit your husband in hospital or use your relationship to him to make medical decisions when he wasn't able.

Imagine what it would be like never to be able to say 'my husband' or even use his name. Imagine what it would be like to keep your relationship from your kids, in case they inadvertently let somethings slip.

Imagine what it would be like to have no access to your husband's pension or life assurance if the worse happened. Imagine what it would be like not to even be able to phone the gas company because your name can't be on the bill because you can't officially live in your home in case it causes someone to suspect you might be in a relationship.

Imagine what it would be like never to be able to moan about an aspect of your husband's behaviour to a friend. Imagine what it would be like to be in an abusive relationship, where, if you can't acknowledge the relationship, you can't disclose the abuse.

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 18/12/2016 16:41

Oh, and imagine what it would be like for your husband to be your dirty little secret. How he'd feel if his part in your life was never acknowledged. Never to be able to openly celebrate his support or love. Not even that he made you a cup of tea in bed.

I think to actively or passively deny the most important relationship in your life is to insult and disrespect the person with whom you are having that relationship to the point where anyone with a scrap of self regard would leave.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 18/12/2016 16:42

Peach when did I say the OP had to lie? I'm saying it's 2016 and no one should have to announce their sexuality to the world if they don't want to. I never made any mention of lying at all.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 18/12/2016 16:44

Also Peach that is exactly what I am advocating - that people accept others' sexuality as their own business, making no assumptions about them, and accepting them for who they are.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 18/12/2016 16:55

Screaming Thankyou for posting that . I have had an instance this year where an old age secret has reared its head and I had a few months of feeling sick to my stomach that my parents would find out. I cannot imagine how awful it must be to have to live like this for years Sad .

I wonder what it really is about same sex relationships that people have a problem with.

1horatio · 18/12/2016 17:00

silently

I want to hug you through the screen ❤️
Seriously.

PeachMelba78 · 18/12/2016 17:06

It's not about lying, it's about being passive and apologies to you Show but what I am saying is that it is often an issue for the LGBT person as they don't know how others are going to react. And encouraging people to deny their sexuality, either openly or passively is not helping normalise it imo.
Silently said it much better than me.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent · 18/12/2016 17:08

My nephew has recently come out.
His parents are very religious so things like being gay is a big no no. But they have tried to accept him and his boyfriend.

They would rather have a gay son than he committed suicide.

PeachMelba78 · 18/12/2016 17:09

Condensed I wish I knew - in my old workplace I was rarely asked about my weekend etc despite always asking others - perhaps they thought I spent all of my time at lesbian orgies (instead of the truth of kids parties)! Now I am included in the chat but little things like this mean a lot.

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 18/12/2016 17:10

To not acknowledge the primary relationship in your life is not just telling a lie, it's living a lie. To not ever mention the primary relationship in your life drives people, quite literally, mad. Honestly, try it the next time you meet someone new, try having an kind of social conversation that doesn't touch on any aspect of your home life, your life experience or those you spend time with. Try with the constant gender natural pronouns and the grammatical fancy foot work that takes. It's fucking exhausting and totally guarantees you will never be able to have any level of closeness with that person.

Original poster
user1481835600 · 18/12/2016 17:13

Okay so today I told my best friend I am a lesbian. I didn't make a big deal of it. Just told him while we were having dinner.

He didn't have a clue so was shocked for about 30 seconds and is now back to complaining that there's nothing on tv and really doesn't give two hoots.

OP posts:
PeachMelba78 · 18/12/2016 17:14

Well done OP! I hope you gain some confidence from this x

PacificDogwod · 18/12/2016 17:16

Kudos, OP! Smile

How do you feel about having told him?

1horatio · 18/12/2016 17:17

Awesome :)

I hope that helps you being happy with yourself
Shoot, how do I say this in English? Like, I hope it is good for you and inspires loads of positive emotions.

Original poster
user1481835600 · 18/12/2016 17:20

I feel so happy to have told him. Like I could cry. He said he did wonder why I always wanted to go to gay bars on a night out.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1481835600 · 18/12/2016 17:20

silentlyscreaming, your posts are beautifully written

OP posts:
SilentlyScreamingAgain · 18/12/2016 17:23

I know someone who had a stunt girlfriend. She told her parents that she'd met a wonderful woman before she actually had, so that her parents could work through their issues, without having a real life woman to direct them at.

By the time she'd found a real girlfriend, they felt able to welcome her into their home and after a couple of drinks everyone was best of friends.

1horatio · 18/12/2016 17:25

Silently,

That's actually a kind of brilliant idea!!

CondensedMilkSarnies · 18/12/2016 17:31

That's fantastic Op !!

A friend of mine came out to me years ago . I actually felt honoured that he did. His face was Shock when my reply was 'yes I know!'

It was something that I never thought to discuss with him because he'd never mentioned a boyfriend or anything at all about being gay .

Do you think in this case I should have brought the subject up earlier to make him know it's not a problem to me ? Is this something people that (unknown to others) are struggling with coming out would like to happen ?

PacificDogwod · 18/12/2016 17:37

"Stunt girlfriend" Grin
That's genius.

user, aw, that you felt like crying - it must be such a relief to have done it once and The World Did Not End. Smile
You will go from strength to strength.

PeachMelba78 · 18/12/2016 17:45

Condensed I would have loved someone to hint to me that they were OK with me being gay but no one had a clue and still it is a surprise to new people as I don't 'look gay'!

Original poster
user1481835600 · 18/12/2016 17:45

It feels great. But he's gay himself so it wasn't that hard to tell him. My parents are completely different. I doubt I will ever tell them but at least my friends can know if I slowly let it be known to them.

OP posts:
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