Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never come out as a Lesbian

203 replies

user1481835600 · 17/12/2016 21:28

I'm gay.

No one knows. I keep it to myself. I've been to gay bars but find masculine women so unattractive and have been completely unattracted to the stereotypical looking lesbian.
I'm very feminine myself.

My parents are strict Catholics and would never accept me. Same with my brother. I would worry the effect having two mums would have on my Son so I just leave it.

I've never been in love. At almost 30 I've never been in a relationship except with one man I knew there was absolutely no romantic feelings for but I dated as I wanted to believe I was straight. I have had crushes on some women and I fell in love with a woman at my old work place but never told her how I felt. She was lesbian and was quite flirty with me but I let her go without even letting her know I was gay.

I'm attracted to women. I have finally accepted and understood it. But I can never come out until my parents are gone. I can't do it to them. Plus, I just don't feel it's anyone's busines. As long as I can accept it within myself and understand that I am gay. It's not necessary for me to mention my sexuality or come out in any way. AIBU?

OP posts:
NoJimmyProtested · 18/12/2016 00:01

Thanks condensed, it has completely shattered me. You sound lovely and very relaxed about things, its wonderful that your DD feels so comfortable.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 18/12/2016 00:05

Oh nojimmy that's just awful. It must have been such a big step for you and then the worst possible outcome as well. I'm so so sorry.

HeroOfFerelden · 18/12/2016 00:06

Just out of curiosity, does your friend just let your parents treat him like he has the plague? Because if that was me, I'd tell them where to shove their plastic cutlery.

Somethinginthecordelias · 18/12/2016 00:11

DP comes from a very strictly Catholic family and she was incredibly worried about coming out, especially because her parents are from a different country where being gay isn't accepted generally like it is in the UK.

It was difficult at first, they didn't talk to her for almost a week and even now they seem to be stuck in the denial stage (I'm her "good friend"). But she doesn't regret telling them and despite the denial both of us get on well with her parents.

I don't think they agree with our relationship, and I don't think they'd ever admit their daughter is a lesbian to anyone, but they love her and they make it work.

Original poster
user1481835600 · 18/12/2016 00:16

My friend hasn't copped on he is being given disposible plates because he is gay. She gives us all them so it's not obvious.

He had literally slept with one man his entire life. My parents think all gay people are sexually promiscuous.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1481835600 · 18/12/2016 00:19

I'm sure I've managed to make my parents think at least. I've been very brace and challenged every bigoted view they've ever had.

Actually, I don't mind then thinking homosexuality is a sin. What I hate is the factually incorrect rubbish they come out with such as gay people are promiscuous, gay people just haven't met the right person of the opposite gender, they must be mentally disturbed in other areas to be gay.

Maybe they wonder why I'm so passionately against their views on homosexuality but they definitely don't know I'm gay.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 18/12/2016 00:20

Maybe talk to your friend, then? It might be a relief - it must feel awful to have been keeping so much from him. How long have you known each other?

Original poster
user1481835600 · 18/12/2016 00:23

10 years. :-)

OP posts:
NoJimmyProtested · 18/12/2016 00:24

Thank you Cauliflower. Kind words :)

LRDtheFeministDragon · 18/12/2016 00:25

If you've known him for ten years, and you're 29, then tell him!

DurdleDurdle · 18/12/2016 00:29

My friend hasn't copped on he is being given disposible plates because he is gay. She gives us all them so it's not obvious

.....and no one has said anything. This is VERY weird of them and you.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 18/12/2016 00:32

It's weird of the parents. It's not weird of the OP. How the hell do you tell a friend that the reason everyone is eating off disposable plates is because the hosts think he's "bad" or "dirty" ??

That would be the most hurtful thing ever to hear, wouldn't it?

Original poster
user1481835600 · 18/12/2016 00:42

I've told him my parents are religious and conservative and he says they are but are also 'really nice'. They obviously don't express their views to him.

The plate thing, I'm never going to tell him. That's just one things he never needs to know or hear.

OP posts:
riceuten · 18/12/2016 00:49

My cousin emigrated to solve this issue - he's a gay man living in Aus. His niece (my other cousin's daughter) is also gay. The (grand) parents don't know, and frankly, why should they ? She's happy in a LTR as is my Aus cousin. Don't ask, don't tell.

haveacupoftea · 18/12/2016 00:53

Tbh, I think most parents know, or at least have an inkling anyway. Good ones will wait patiently until their child is ready to tell them.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 18/12/2016 01:03

The thing that differentiates a friend from a partner is that you have a sexual relationship with a partner. Parents don't have a right to be privvy to their adult children's sex lives . So to me , if a daughter who is straight brought a female friend home , it should be no different to if a daughter who is gay brings her partner home.

I'm really not explaining myself very well ! But I know what I mean .

brasty · 18/12/2016 01:15

Except people talk about their partners all the time. Of course you don't discuss your sex life. But if you are living with your partner and pretend to your parents that they are your friend, then that means you do have to lie to your parents.
I have a lesbian friend who did not used to be out to her parents. When her parents visited her girlfriend moved into the "lodgers" room. She took down and hid any photos of them taken on holiday were they looked like a couple, She basically told lots of lies. And this as she said, put a distance between herself and her parents.
Imagine pretending your Husband is a lodger or a friend. You would talk to those close to you very differently about him.

DurdleDurdle · 18/12/2016 01:30

The plate thing, I'm never going to tell him. That's just one things he never needs to know or hear

I'm not suggesting you tell him - although I'd certainly want to know if I was was being treated that disgustingly. What I'm shocked at is that you would stand by while both your parents treated someone like that. I find it unsettling that you could play along with creating the illusion to your best friend that he is welcome in their house. It's very peculiar.

If you knew you parents are so revolted by gay people why on earth would you take him to their house.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 18/12/2016 01:43

Yes I didn't think of all that brasty. What I'm trying to say is why does one aspect of a relationship , which is no one else's business have such a negative reaction ?

I'm hopeless at explaining myself, but I can't for the life of me see why some people have a problem with it and I'm normally pretty good at seeing both sides of an argument . Why is it so wrong that two people of the same sex share holidays , a home , a life ?

lairyhegs · 18/12/2016 01:46

I don't even see why people have to 'come out'. It's nobody's business but yours. Heterosexual people don't seem to have to make an 'I'm straight' declaration. You are what you are. Love is love is love. I wish you all the best in finding love and happiness

CondensedMilkSarnies · 18/12/2016 01:47

I'd like those who don't accept it to explain it to me so I understand where they are coming from .

How awful to have to live a lie .

CondensedMilkSarnies · 18/12/2016 01:49

Exactly My thinking Lairy . It's daft to have to label people. Why can't we all just 'be'?

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 18/12/2016 02:28

Coming out is very important to a lot of gay people though.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 18/12/2016 02:31

Oh I didn't know that wolver .

aurynne · 18/12/2016 04:03

It never ceases to amaze me to which lengths some people will go to hide some information for fear of upsetting others, and how they blame themselves when the info comes out. If your parents disown you for being gay, they are truly horrid, disgusting, nasty people and you will surely be better off without them. If currently they only love you because they think you're what you're not, then I cannot believe you're happy living a complete lie and pretending to be who you're not just to please people who would abandon you as soon as they learned about your true self.

Honestly, it baffles me.