To never come out as a Lesbian

[user1481835600]

I'm gay.

No one knows. I keep it to myself. I've been to gay bars but find masculine women so unattractive and have been completely unattracted to the stereotypical looking lesbian.
I'm very feminine myself.

My parents are strict Catholics and would never accept me. Same with my brother. I would worry the effect having two mums would have on my Son so I just leave it.

I've never been in love. At almost 30 I've never been in a relationship except with one man I knew there was absolutely no romantic feelings for but I dated as I wanted to believe I was straight. I have had crushes on some women and I fell in love with a woman at my old work place but never told her how I felt. She was lesbian and was quite flirty with me but I let her go without even letting her know I was gay.

I'm attracted to women. I have finally accepted and understood it. But I can never come out until my parents are gone. I can't do it to them. Plus, I just don't feel it's anyone's busines. As long as I can accept it within myself and understand that I am gay. It's not necessary for me to mention my sexuality or come out in any way. AIBU?

YANBU to live your life entirely how you see fit

And I understand your reservation about how your parents would react if you did come out.
I find it really strange and sad that there still needs to be a 'coming out' - surely everybody should live their sexuality as it suits them (as long as it is not damaging to anybody else)?

Anyway, live your life. If you come across the person for you, you'll know. Coming out does not need to be all or nothing, you know...
And of course lesbians come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, styles etc etc just like heteros like me

But what if you meet someone and fall in love and want to get married/ start a family? Please don't sacrifice that because your parents are homophobic

I think you probably underestimate the stress and negative impact on you, of living the way you do.
If you did want to meet a woman, there are lots of dating sites.

I don't think you have to come out as such, but I do think if you meet a woman you love then you shouldn't hide that.

I know someone who is from a strict catholic background. She divorced which was a big issue. She found love with someone new and hid the relationship for years. Even though they were living together. They're now married and her parents love him to bits. Not the same but similar situation where friend made assumptions about how her parents would behave and they now adore her new DH. Would a more liberal priest have a word? This certainly helped in their case.

Miriam Margoylis (spelling) came out to her elderly mother who promptly had a stroke. MM says she has always regretted telling her -- though, of course, the stroke may not have been caused by this.
OP if you really feel your parents would be unable to accept you then it is not BU not to tell them. However, if circumstances change and you fall in love again, grab the chance of happiness with both hands and then decide what to do next.
Fortunately? It's considered less suspicious for two women to spend time together than men so provided you are discreet you can even live together as "friends" . A lot depends on what concessions your DP is prepared to make in order to hide the facts from your parents and child.
Being a lesbian is not the be all and end all of your identity and it is totally irrelevant in many areas of life unless you feel the need for like company.
Good luck

It's lovely that you care so much for those around you but if you spend so much time keeping everyone else happy, you'll never have the chance for that happiness yourself.

I really love religion sometimes but their attitudes to being gay makes me really angry. Preach tolerance but not practice it yourself.

Your parents love you? They will want you happy. If not, their respect is worthless.

Well, first off, you could stop worrying about your son. There are some very long-running studies (US-based, I believe) that show that lesbian parents have no ill effects on their children whatsoever.

But I feel worried for you, and I think you are so young, with so much life ahead, it seems problematic to me to focus on the fact you're currently single. I can't help feeling (and I may be wrong) that if you really were happily single, you wouldn't be soul-searching about it.

Your parents might never accept it. But, as carol and others say, they might never need to know. Or, they might decide not to know. My granny, a very strict Christian with quite narrow social beliefs, managed somehow to rationalise her brother's homosexuality, and she was born in 1924 and has been dead these ten years. She simply never acknowledged his 'companion' was more than that. Likewise, I know many lesbian couples whose families simply turn a blind eye. Of course it is not ideal, but it does show that coming out needn't be (and can't be) an all-or-nothing deal.

You might be struggling with internalised homophobia here, maybe? Most people do a bit. Especially since you focus on (forgive me) something very trivial, which is the way some lesbians look quite masculine. That sounds to me almost as if you're trying to say 'well, I'm a lesbian but not a lesbian kind of lesbian ...'.

How do you think your friends might feel?

How close are you to your parents? I lived in a lesbian commune for years and I never came out to my parents. I didn't live especially close to them but they visited sometimes, met my housemates and thry either didn't twig and/or didn't care. I was young so girlfriends were fleeting and I never felt the need to introduce them to my parents. Live your life how you want to, you're right it is no one else's business but also don't let it stop you from socialising with or dating anyone you choose to.

I think you might be underestimating your parents. They might take a while to get used to it although they may well already have a good idea but 99% of parents just want their DC to be happy . Have you any reason not to think your parents wouldn't want you to be happy?

Another thing to consider is that people change and even though your parents have made ridiculous and nasty comments in the past their views may well be catching up with the rest of society.

The other alternative is to do a Graham Norton which is tell everyone in the whole world except his Mum. (Admittedly this was from a very OLD autobiography of his....... ) Get yourself a girlfriend (if you want) and get on with life and just forget to mention it to your parents. Introduce her to your parents as your friend.

Why should you sacrifice your right to a happy relationship because your parents don't like people who are gay?

If you wanted to be a nurse but your parents really didn't like nurses would it deter you from pursuing that occupation to keep them happy? Of course not. Because it would be an unfounded and baseless prejudice that you would find absurd.

Their bigotry towards gay people is equally absurd. More so in fact as people who are gay don't choose to be - anymore than someone chooses their skin colour.

Good parents want their children to be happy. There is nothing wrong with being gay and your parents will learn to accept that. Their ignorance is unfortunate but should not stop you being yourself and finding a happy relationship.

You only live once - make the most of it.

You have to do what's best for you OP. My concern is that these feelings will only grow inside you, there will be more what if's along the line. Can you live with them? The wondering what might of been?

What if your son turned out to be gay, would his grandparents/uncle reject him, would you tell him to hide his true identity so as not to upset your parents/brother? I'm guessing not, I think you'd embrace your son and support him in his decisions. That's what being a parent is. Unconditional love.

Well I grew up strict catholic and told homosexuality was evil for most of my life so it's taken me a while to get away from that but I do think I have now.

I think most people don't actually come out these days. It's just accepted. It's just that I've always claimed to like men.

I get loads of attention when I go out. I won't actively not be in a relationship and if I met someone who have a relationship. I just don't want to come out until I meet the one (if I ever do). I would never come out to my parents though I don't think.

Miriam Margoylis (spelling) came out to her elderly mother who promptly had a strok. Is that really true, Miriam loves a good story..... (huge apologies to Miriam if it's actually true)

At this moment in time it's ok.

It's not sustainable or desirable for the long term and you will surely be extremely unhappy if you don't deal with it longer term

What a terrible thought that your dc would live a lie and a loveless life to please you. :-(

No, I'm absolutely sure most people these days do come out. Really.

I have never met a single lesbian who has said she didn't go through a stage of trying to like men, pretending to like men, or having it assumed she liked men.

My parents are good parents. Just very judgemental in some ways as they have been brought up catholic.

To them homosexuality is a sin. So they would be unhappy about it forever I suspect. My best friend is gay and my parents make him eat and drink from disposable plates and cutlery!!! That might seem like I'm making it up but it's true. They think gay people are unhygienic. He has no idea they feel like that.

I have told one person I'm gay and she said my parents ignorance comes from the fact they've never met an openly gay person. Once they know I'm gay they will see were not all sluts with sexual diseases.

They're just stuck in the Stone Age and they've had the shortest lives ever. So I just can't do it to them. I'd be nieve to think they will ever change their mind.

Shittest not shortest

It isn't the child's job to make their parents happy. Potentially never having a genuine romantic relationship is a huge sacrifice to make. You aren't doing anything to hurt your parents - this is just the way you are.

You can have relationships without that woman becoming a "second mum" to your son, or even meeting him. If you do meet someone special who you'd like to be involved, I'm sure he'd benefit from having them in his life.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to, OP, but equally you don't have to 'commit' to never coming out, if you know what I mean. My DSis is in a loving, happy relationship of 4 years with another woman and she had had plenty of boyfriends before (none who lasted though, they were all dicks).

She never said to my (Catholic) mum 'I am gay, this is me coming out.' She just said one day that SIL was her girlfriend and that was that. My mum found it tricky at first (saying DSis would never get a teaching job in a Catholic school which rules out half of our city, if not more; saying older friends of the family would never accept it - they did) but now it's all fine. People do surprise you. And by the way, DSis and SIL are both very feminine and beautiful. I always joke that it's a shame they can't actually procreate together because their kids would be ridiculously beautiful.

The main thing I would say is just don't resign yourself to anything right now. You may one day meet someone who you would like to be with and she'll make you decide that any difficulty is worth it. Equally you don't have to explain your situation to anybody if you don't want to - you are your own business. Don't pressure yourself, don't write your own future before it's happened.

Obviously people do come out but it's different. It doesn't usually need to be a big announcement.

I don't think I will come out but if I meet a new person I might be open that I'm gay then. If I'm asked if I have a partner.

When I start work I will probably say I'm gay and not straight but I don't know until it happens.

I'm bisexual and yes, I did have issue when I came out. (From the gay community and straight people...)

But it was imo worth it. I am now married to DH, however.

If you are gay then not coming out will mean hiding forever. It will mean that, if you ever find that special someone, you will most likely not manage a relationship with her, because very few will be ok nowadays with being in the closet for 'ever'.

It is your choice, but I do not see how this could bring you happiness.

'“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”
That seems to be true in my experience.

As for masculine women... well, I like feminine women and masculine women. But I know sooo many feminine lesbians. I myself whilst not uber stereotypically feminine (my lifestyle and behaviour) am certainly not butch and do look pretty feminine.

Oh, come on.

Either they make your best friend eat of separate plates, or they've never met someone gay. It can't be both. And if they accept your best mate - even to the level of feeding him on another plate - there is something to work with.

They sound properly bonkers, but still.

But yes, coming out doesn't need to be a glitter parade of rainbow.
You can be 'quietly' gay and do it at your own pace.

I think as long as you accept and love yourself whether you come out or not, it's ok.

Good luck. Xx