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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never come out as a Lesbian

203 replies

user1481835600 · 17/12/2016 21:28

I'm gay.

No one knows. I keep it to myself. I've been to gay bars but find masculine women so unattractive and have been completely unattracted to the stereotypical looking lesbian.
I'm very feminine myself.

My parents are strict Catholics and would never accept me. Same with my brother. I would worry the effect having two mums would have on my Son so I just leave it.

I've never been in love. At almost 30 I've never been in a relationship except with one man I knew there was absolutely no romantic feelings for but I dated as I wanted to believe I was straight. I have had crushes on some women and I fell in love with a woman at my old work place but never told her how I felt. She was lesbian and was quite flirty with me but I let her go without even letting her know I was gay.

I'm attracted to women. I have finally accepted and understood it. But I can never come out until my parents are gone. I can't do it to them. Plus, I just don't feel it's anyone's busines. As long as I can accept it within myself and understand that I am gay. It's not necessary for me to mention my sexuality or come out in any way. AIBU?

OP posts:
CondensedMilkSarnies · 18/12/2016 04:08

It's so sad to sacrifice your own happiness in order to keep others happy.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 18/12/2016 04:10

I would be devastated if I'd made my own DD live a lie because of my own predjudices.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 18/12/2016 04:29

What an incredibly hard situation.

Tell your friends at least. I'm sure they'll be supportive.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 18/12/2016 04:32

Is there a helpline for this sort of thing ?

LellyMcKelly · 18/12/2016 05:50

YANBU. Live your life as you choose. The only caveat is don't lie and deceive to hide it. I married a man who later confessed he was gay - 18 years and 2 children later. I spent years thinking there was something wrong with me as he didn't want to have sex unless TTC. I definitely didn't expect to be on a dating site in my 40s.

PeachMelba78 · 18/12/2016 07:45

To Condensed, there are helplines for LGBT people and FFLAG for family and friends of LGBT people. I worked on a helpline for many years and my view is that everyone needs to come out in some way, even if it is just to themselves and a trusted friend to support them. I know a lot of you have focused on the fact that you don't need to know who your child/ friend/ family members are having sex with but having a partner is about more than sex. For my wife and I it's about true love, having children, a house and a life together.
I can't remember who said they thought their daughter was gay, please talk to her. She may really want to come out and you could let her know that you are cool with it. I knew my parents were pretty chilled out but it was still a massive stressful thing for me. If they had known I would have hoped my Mum would have paved the way but they were oblivious!
I know people who were shunned and yes it is hard but I always say to people to only come out to someone when you are ready for any kind of reaction. But don't ask don't tell really doesn't help x

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 18/12/2016 08:09

Aurynne it baffles you people don't want to lose their family and be all alone in the world? Seriously?! Shock I can understand completely the dilemna (and it's a common one) I can't imagine anything worse than having no one (and I'm a very independent person)

tinselandteadresses · 18/12/2016 09:06

I find it sad that you aren't living your life by putting what your parents think first - I do however completely understand.

I came out as bi later in life (think 40) and am lucky to have completely understanding parents. I have also seen friends with parents that have struggled to accept their sexuality, especially if religion is thrown into the mix. Some have been surprisingly ok despite traditional Catholic families, it was different when it was their own kids. It is a risk however.

Lgbt organisations sometimes provide free counselling. It may help to talk it over with a trained professional.

aurynne · 18/12/2016 09:20

Wolver, it wouldn't be the OP who would be responsible for "losing her family". The blame would fall completely on her parents if that happened, and keeping their daughter ransom using their love is utterly disgusting.

I cannot pretend to know what i would do, because I am not in that situation. But my father (who died last year) was tremendously homophobic (and a bloody racist too). I am pretty much sure I would rather he never spoke to me than having to hide my partner's existence or let them eat in disposable cutlery because he thought they were "dirty". Yes, I'd much rather be alone than having the tainted love of such nasty, judgemental people.

StripedTulip · 18/12/2016 12:38

YANBU. Straight people don't have to come out as heterosexual, so why should you have to come out as lesbian. You're absolutely right just to get on with life, minding your own business. You're normal really.

I think it's a bit tough and quite sad for you that you've decided not to have a relationship. I hope you find happiness and contentment Flowers

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 18/12/2016 12:40

It's not about responsibility and blame, it's about being utterly alone with no support or family, some people don't mind that but many do. It's a big deal, and easy to understand

DailyFail1 · 18/12/2016 12:47

It's your choice. If you don't want to come out then don't. I'm bi but only a very select few know (not my dh or my family or any of my gay/bi friends) because the way I feel attraction to men and women is so different that nobody would really understand.

1horatio · 18/12/2016 12:50

TBH, as for the plate thing, I think I'd prefer to know when I'm that unwelcome. But that's just me.

If you were to tell said gay friend about this, about your sexuality etc you'd also have somebody that would understand the situation and hopefully support and help you.

Because I do think you need a support system, whether you want to tell your parents or not.
Some people to be honest with are always great. And if you do decide to tell your parents you need people that can support you during difficult times.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 18/12/2016 12:54

PeachMelba I have talked to
my daughter , she has been out with lads in the past and now she's going out with a young woman . She said she's not sure about things at the moment and I said ( what was suggested by someone else on here who came out) you don't have to be anything , you don't have to have a label , just be whatever and whoever you like . If you want to tell me that's fine and if you don't that's fine too.

Hopefully by welcoming her girlfriend into our home , buying her a Christmas present and being ok with her staying over at ours I'm giving my DD the right message .

Mypurplecaravan · 18/12/2016 13:24

Op you do not have to tell anyone toy don't want to. It is perfectly possible to lead separate lives. And for your parents to never know who you are dating and ultimately living with.

Bear in mind though that at some point you may have to make a choice. DH's parents are racist bigots. He never told them we were dating or living together until time came for us to become further entwined (I wanted marriage and kids). I could not stand being his dirty little secret. Something he was ashamed of. That he would prioritise an easy life with his parents over the love he (supposedly) had for me.

We were lucky. His parents did truly love him. Wanted him to be happy.

I'm not sure (from what you say) that yours could be the same. But you may need to make a choice in the future. And your future partner might not stick around through the fall out. Not all relationships are meant to last.

It is not an easy situation to be in. But don't live through fear.

Not every (or even many) lesbians are that butch. Most I know are as feminine as I. Not overly girly girly but certainly femme of center.

PeachMelba78 · 18/12/2016 13:48

Condensed absolutely that is the right thing to do. Just by letting her know you are ok with whatever she is and does that is wonderful. We all need to be able to express ourselves, and she has a safe place with you. It is getting easier but it's still a scary thing for many LGBT youth.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 18/12/2016 14:06

My only wish for her is that she falls in love with someone who loves her back , that she has the excitement of setting up home with someone , that she finds someone who endures Grin admires her feisty nature, that she finds someone who understands her insecurities and supports her when she's unsure or sad. I'm her mum and I just want her to be happy .

Livelovebehappy · 18/12/2016 14:14

You really don't need to make an announcement to your parents about it. After all, it's legal and the norm these days. TBH, most people really don't care about someone's sexuality, and I think it's totally irrelevant to have to come out to anyone, other than maybe mention it to your parents if that's what you want to do. How are they going to know you're gay unless you pack on the touchy feeliness in front of them? I'm heterosexual but never was affectionate in a sexual way in front of my parents. If you hang out with other women, unless you're going to behave inappropriately in front of your parents, surely they will just assume they are friends of yours.

septembersunshine · 18/12/2016 15:11

I understand your reasons op but I am sad for you. A life half lived and all. I believe in love. I really do. I wish you happiness op and a chance to live how you want. Just don't shut the door to this compleatly. If you find someone let it happen.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 18/12/2016 15:13

It's 2016. No one should have to "come out" as being gay. It's not something anyone should feel they have to announce, or seek acceptance for. If your family have a problem with it, it's their problem not your's. A person's sexuality is no one else's business.

You deserve to be happy, OP.

PeachMelba78 · 18/12/2016 15:18

Show me I have been out for about 15 years and I still have to come out. For me it's about being true to myself so when workmates ask about my husband I correct it to Wife. Not a big deal to me but I have had plenty of negative reactions over the years, including the last 2.

brasty · 18/12/2016 15:20

If you have a partner and don't say anything to those you are close to, you have to live a lie.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 18/12/2016 15:21

That's fair enough. I just don't think anyone should feel they have to come out before they can embark on a relationship publicly.

PeachMelba78 · 18/12/2016 15:33

But Show me lying about your life is incredibly stressful. The best thing for LGBT people is when no-one assumes anything, and accepts everything. For example as I have kids, not assuming I am straight, and not freaking out when I say I am gay 🙂

iogo · 18/12/2016 15:43

I hope you live your life in a way that makes you happy OP. Flowers

One thing that my cousin's husband said at their wedding a couple of years ago resonated with me and I'd like to think it might apply to all parents (but realistically I know it won't and you know your pages best).

Anyway, he told us that he'd been worried about coming out to his dad but when he finally did (to be able to introduce my cousin), his dad said "I'd rather you were with the right man than the wrong woman".