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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never come out as a Lesbian

203 replies

user1481835600 · 17/12/2016 21:28

I'm gay.

No one knows. I keep it to myself. I've been to gay bars but find masculine women so unattractive and have been completely unattracted to the stereotypical looking lesbian.
I'm very feminine myself.

My parents are strict Catholics and would never accept me. Same with my brother. I would worry the effect having two mums would have on my Son so I just leave it.

I've never been in love. At almost 30 I've never been in a relationship except with one man I knew there was absolutely no romantic feelings for but I dated as I wanted to believe I was straight. I have had crushes on some women and I fell in love with a woman at my old work place but never told her how I felt. She was lesbian and was quite flirty with me but I let her go without even letting her know I was gay.

I'm attracted to women. I have finally accepted and understood it. But I can never come out until my parents are gone. I can't do it to them. Plus, I just don't feel it's anyone's busines. As long as I can accept it within myself and understand that I am gay. It's not necessary for me to mention my sexuality or come out in any way. AIBU?

OP posts:
SilentlyScreamingAgain · 17/12/2016 23:08

You need to think less about your parents and more about your son. You're the main influence in his life and you're considering modelling a whole life without integrity or honesty. By living the way you propose, you're telling him that your sexuality is best covered and that you're ashamed of yourself. You're passing on the message that your parents passed to you; there is something very wrong with being gay.

In the nicest possible way, you're not over with what your parents taught you, you're not comfortable with yourself and your post is riddled with internalised homophobia.

I hope things get better for you.

1horatio · 17/12/2016 23:09

77

They're Catholics, not evangelicals. So, I'd assume they care more a kit doctrine. And there is something in the NT about it,

I'm not trying to start a debate either. I just don't want the OP (or anything else that reads it and is in a similar situation) put all their eggs in this basket.

1horatio · 17/12/2016 23:10

*about

Not kit

LRDtheFeministDragon · 17/12/2016 23:12

horatio's right. Catholics are not Biblical literalists. Indeed, most Christians aren't, so it is misleading to cite only the OT prohibitions (none of which, IIRC, mention lesbianism) or St Paul's nastiness.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 17/12/2016 23:13

You don't need to commit to a decision like this. You also don't need to declare anything if you would rather not.

dingdongthewitchishere · 17/12/2016 23:14

Do you live in a village? Why do you even need to tell your parents?

I don't mean that in a nasty way, just wondering. I would take the cowardly way out. I would live in a big city away from them, build my life: be open to relationships and go from there. You might meet your right person, or you might not. Until you are in a serious and committed relationship, I don't think you need to tell your parents if you don't want to. The day you are with someone for real, then you can reassess. You might find that it's easier to tell them then, at least on your side. Find happiness first.

I am deeply religious and from a religious family, so I can't minimize the believes of your parents. However, life is short. You have to live yours.

Obsidian77 · 17/12/2016 23:16

Yep, fine, but these (Leviticus) seem to be the go to quotes for anyone who claims their religion justifies homophobia.

Original poster
user1481835600 · 17/12/2016 23:16

I live in a large, gay friendly city. So could be openly gay among friends

OP posts:
Beebeeeight · 17/12/2016 23:21

Don't worry too much about what is a hypothetical question.

If you want a partner, find one.

Then see if it feels like you want your parents to meet them.

DPotter · 17/12/2016 23:21

You have a son and have implied that you have not been married. How does that stack up with your parents' 'catholic' values. Do they accept him?

I have found many people have very firm opinions until something absolutely fundamental happens when, they suddenly change their minds.
Whether or not you choose to tell your parents, you shouldn't deny who you are to the rest of the world. Yes it would be difficult if you shared the same home, but otherwise your life will have different compartments which can be very separate if you choose them to be.

1horatio · 17/12/2016 23:21

Nope, 77.
Smart bigots use:
Romans 1:26-27
1 Corinthians 6:9-10
1 Timothy 1:9-10
Jude 1:7

Gets them around the whole shrimp, cloth of two different fabrics and stoning business...

Uhm, anyhow.

Why not try being openly gay and not tell your parents? I do think you should tell them when you're in a serious relationship, but that's still your decision, obviously.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 17/12/2016 23:29

Forgive me if I am not being helpful.

But, you talk about being 'openly gay among friends' and it makes me wonder whether you're scaring yourself more than you need to.

I am (again) generalising, but I think coming out is almost always a gradual process of announcements, many small and some big, and many repeated. So, you might mention to a few friends that you're gay. Or you might introduce your 'girlfriend'. Or you might refer to dating women. Even then, it is obviously impossible to be out to everyone, even (at first) your friends, who may not quite get it or quite understand it, and might need telling twice.

I know people whose entire life's work is about being gay, and who are out to colleagues and friends and huge networks of others - and who still find there are people they know quite well, who haven't cottoned on. And I know people who are happily married with children, who've been out since their teens, who are just not out to (say) their colleagues.

There are all sorts of variations.

I say this because you really could dip a toe in the water without it being a bit deal. You mention something to one or two people, and it might be fine. It also might be a very long ongoing process. And you could take ages to figure out whether or not you feel comfortable saying anything at all to your parents. That might take the pressure off a bit.

yeOldeTrout · 17/12/2016 23:29

When DH was growing up his mum took The Daily Mail and was always saying stuff about how disgusting homosexuality was. There were no doubts where she stood on that subject.
So sure enough DH's brother finally came out at age 30.
I think MIL found it a blow, but she adores her sons & really could forgive them anything. The best thing about BIL coming out is how fast she dropped that set of prejudices. Now she goes on regular holidays with BIL & his boyfriend.

The matter hasn't been openly discussed with all of the older generation (MIL is still close with her siblings). On a need-to-know basis, I suppose.

Justaboy · 17/12/2016 23:34

I've told all of my 3 DD's that if their straight than that's fine with me. If their gay then that's equally fine too. There are what they are, simple as that.

I'd be horrified if they were hiding their true orientation to protect my feelings.

I really think you ought to tell them and they'll just have to accept it why screw up your life for their religious prejudices ?

Obsidian77 · 17/12/2016 23:35

1horatio thanks, I've clearly met some not very well-read bigots Xmas Wink
op Sorry for derailing, I intended well.. I'm struck that in your op you talk about being in love with someone and never telling her...you shouldn't have to punish yourself like this. I hope that if you feel that way about someone again you can find happiness with them.Wine

CondensedMilkSarnies · 17/12/2016 23:38

I feel so sorry that people feel pressure to have to 'come out' .

Heterosexuals don't have to announce their sexual preference to all and sundry do they ?

I think my DD might be gay. She seems to be going out with a lovely young woman and she's brought her home to meet me. She hasn't announced anything and I don't think she has to.

If she brought a lad home I wouldn't expect her to say 'this is my boyfriend and I'm straight'.

Please make sure you do what you want to Op , you deserve to be happy.

HeddaGarbled · 17/12/2016 23:39

I think that you have every right to do whatever you feel comfortable with and if that means not discussing your sexuality with your parents, that's your choice and you don't have to justify it to anyone.

Don't cut yourself off from the opportunity for a relationship though. You don't have to actively seek it (the gay bars thing). But if you meet someone else like your old work colleague that are were attracted to and who flirts with you, it would be a real shame not to at least give it a go.

You didn't really fall in love with her, by the way. You liked her and were attracted to her but it's not real love until you've been together and got to know each other outside work, seen each other first thing in the morning looking like shit, seen each other ill or bad tempered or being unreasonable or going through a tough time together. That's love. What you experienced was the early stages but it may not have developed so try not to think of her as your "one" that you "let go". It was an opportunity missed and could have been fun but the first one is not usually the last one.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 17/12/2016 23:40

You sound so lovely, condensed.

1horatio · 17/12/2016 23:42

sarnies

You sound great.

I'll hope I'll handle it like this if/when DD is in a situation like this.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 17/12/2016 23:43

Thankyou LRD

zzzzz · 17/12/2016 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoJimmyProtested · 17/12/2016 23:45

Name change check...

CondensedMilkSarnies · 17/12/2016 23:47

I might not explain this very well but the way I see it is what my DD does behind closed doors is none of my business . So all I'm interested is that she's with someone that makes her happy and treats her well, be that male or female.

NoJimmyProtested · 17/12/2016 23:50

Phew. Have name changed as this is very identifying. I came out 4 years ago, my Mum disowned me and cut me out of her life. I moved in with girlfriend. A year later my Mum dropped dead. Soon afterwards girlfriend left me for someone else. It has totally totally fucked me up.

I feel for you OP, in many ways i wish i had never come out. I think its easy for people with liberal parents to say "just come out, your family will have to suck it up" but its really not that easy. The pain of being disowned is huge. And the pain of a parent dying when you are on bad terms with them is just agony. May not be worth the risk if you really think they will cast you out of their lives.
I regret it all and havent been able to have any kind of relationship since.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 17/12/2016 23:54

That's so sad NoJimmy