Aibu to bring this up now ? Sensitive

[GoingMad101]

I've name changed to post this , I'm not asking for judgement on how I handled the situation , just what I can do about it now .
In 2012 my husband and I temporarily seperated , I had a drunken one night stand with someone I went to school with when he was home from uni for the weekend and fell pregnant . My husband and I worked things out and got back together , he knew about the baby but he never asked who the father was and I didn't volunteer the info and we agreed that he wouldn't go on the birth certificate but we would just let people assume he was the dad until the child was older .
I didn't want to tell the dad because he came from a well off family and I thought maybe they'd either think I was lying or think I wanted money , he was at uni which was something I never had the chance to do due to teenage pregnancy and getting married at 17. I didn't want to ruin his life .I dont know if he ever knew I was pregnant , he didn't have social media and I didn't have his phone number or address.
I went into labour at 23 weeks and my beautiful girl didn't make it . I thought about contacting the dad then so he could attend the funeral but I didn't know how to contact him and in all honesty it wasn't a priority for me right then . So we had a funeral and she was buried , all of her stuff and scan pics are in a memory box. I've since had another child with my husband and we seperated permanantly last year .
This week , the one night stand added me on social media and I accepted . He seems to be doing quite well and I think he's back in our hometown . Since he added me , all I can think about is whether or not I should tell him , I can't sleep or eat ,my stomach is in knots, I am a mess right now . If I do tell him I don't know how to go about it , I'm worried he won't believe me . I know I've got myself into this situation , I can't explain properly it's like two voices in my head arguing over whether to tell him or not .And if I do , how am I meant to bring this up when I haven't seen or spoken to him since ? Sorry if this doesn't make much sense , I can't really think straight

What is the advantage to either of you if you tell him? What are the negative after effects of potentially telling him? Personally not sure i would want to know...

I don't know, as above I cant see the advantage of telling him but I do feel as though he needs to know he made a child and be allowed to grieve if he chooses too. But there is the possibility he might not believe you. I wish I could be some help, im sorry I cant but I just didn't want to read and run xx

There is absolutely no reason to tell him. Just don't.

It also seems a very odd decision to add him on social media. How does your DH feel about that?

What will telling him achieve now?

He can never see/hold/touch his child. He didn't even know you was pregnant with his child

Firstly I am very sorry to hear about your Baby I had a stillbirth myself so know how painful it can be

But IMO telling him now is cruel.

You didn't tell him you was pregnant
You didn't tell him bout the funeral somhe can't even attend that
He can never see his child

imagine being told years later than a baby you didn't even know about had died- That is one massive head fuck

I don't know what it will achieve . I don't know . I think just having him add me brought it all back , not that it ever really goes away , it was just unexpected and has just made me really emotional .
Whocansay my husband left me last year

Does he have children?

He might be angry you didn't tell him

He has no children or partner , he has just moved back to his parents I think

I am sorry about your baby OP, I had a very late stillbirth a few years ago and my baby has been on my mind a lot lately I think it's this time of year.

I wouldn't tell him, NO good can come from it. He didn't know you was pregnant, he can't even go to the funeral. It will achieve nothing apart from maybe screwing his head up a little

Some things are better left not told

Pinkheart I'm sorry for your loss too . I think you're right about it being this time of year , I lost her in September but she wasn't due till December

I think it depends where you see this contact on fb going. Do you think you will become friends? Or more? If not I wouldn't tell him. But if you want it to be more than just a fake fb friendship then it's going to come up at some point and the longer you leave it the harder it will get to tell him.

You made a choice at the time to not tell him about the pregnancy
You made a choice not to contact him after the birth
You have to stand by that choice.

It would be cruel to say oh by the way you didn't know but I was pregnant and I had your baby and it sadly died, what is he meant to do with that information? How do you process that information?

Leave well alone

Apologies - I missed that your husband left.

I see no benefit to this for either of you. He could react in many ways if you tell him. He could be upset at the loss of the child and I can't see how this would be a good thing. He may well be angry with you, as not only didn't you tell him, but you were happy to pass his child off as someone else's. He may not actually care at all, and I think you would find that particular response devastating.

You sound like you've been through a lot recently. Have you been able to talk to someone?

I don't think it will go anywhere . I knew him through high school then we used to go to the same bar . He used to come back sporadically when he was at uni and we'd sit together in a group , there is a possibility of that happening if he's living here again now but I don't often go out anymore and it'd be easy to avoid him

I don't want to have a relationship with him . Goingtobeawesome , that was rude and hurtful , he definitely is her dad , he was the only person I had slept with in about 4 months

I'm sorry about your baby, but I also think the time now has past. There is nothing to be gained from telling him, you will be doing him no favours, and rightly he may be very angry you chose to conceal his child from him at the time with a plan to allow another man to bring her up, then to tell him so much later he lost a child as your husband left. 💐

YWNBU to bring this up. It sounds like you're in a real state of emotional turmoil and you deserve some peace over what happened.

If I was you I'd ask to meet him for coffee somewhere quiet-ish - by all means pre-warn him e.g. "this might sound odd and out of the blue but there's something serious I need to talk to you about"

You're not responsible for how he reacts - that's his business. But I can definitely understand how him getting in touch has made you feel conflicted. Sheesh - you could even bump into him in the street.

I think you are all right , there isn't a reason to tell him . I wouldn't even have considered it if he hadn't made contact . I just needed people to tell me not to .

If it's causing more pain to keep this secret than sharing it with him, then follow your heart.

Going on your OP it reads as your dh thought he could be the dad as he didn't ask so I'm sorry you're hurt but you didn't explain things clearly.

No my husband knew he wasn't the dad , he just didn't want to know who it was so didn't ask and I didn't tell him

And I'm so sorry that your beautiful baby died

Baconandeggies it's hurting me to keep the secret but I think it's likely to hurt him by telling him . I don't know if it's fair to tell him to try and make me feel better

I think it is utterly wrong that this man has a daughter, who has passed away and he knows nothing about it.

How absolutely devastating. He never had a chance to know his daughter, to meet his daughter and to grieve for his daughter, and now you want to tell him?