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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to bring this up now ? Sensitive

210 replies

GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 13:19

I've name changed to post this , I'm not asking for judgement on how I handled the situation , just what I can do about it now .
In 2012 my husband and I temporarily seperated , I had a drunken one night stand with someone I went to school with when he was home from uni for the weekend and fell pregnant . My husband and I worked things out and got back together , he knew about the baby but he never asked who the father was and I didn't volunteer the info and we agreed that he wouldn't go on the birth certificate but we would just let people assume he was the dad until the child was older .
I didn't want to tell the dad because he came from a well off family and I thought maybe they'd either think I was lying or think I wanted money , he was at uni which was something I never had the chance to do due to teenage pregnancy and getting married at 17. I didn't want to ruin his life .I dont know if he ever knew I was pregnant , he didn't have social media and I didn't have his phone number or address.
I went into labour at 23 weeks and my beautiful girl didn't make it . I thought about contacting the dad then so he could attend the funeral but I didn't know how to contact him and in all honesty it wasn't a priority for me right then . So we had a funeral and she was buried , all of her stuff and scan pics are in a memory box. I've since had another child with my husband and we seperated permanantly last year .
This week , the one night stand added me on social media and I accepted . He seems to be doing quite well and I think he's back in our hometown . Since he added me , all I can think about is whether or not I should tell him , I can't sleep or eat ,my stomach is in knots, I am a mess right now . If I do tell him I don't know how to go about it , I'm worried he won't believe me . I know I've got myself into this situation , I can't explain properly it's like two voices in my head arguing over whether to tell him or not .And if I do , how am I meant to bring this up when I haven't seen or spoken to him since ? Sorry if this doesn't make much sense , I can't really think straight

OP posts:
SuperRainbows · 14/12/2016 14:18

He may find you strange. I find it a little strange to be honest

I think this comment is harsh and unnecessary. The op was obviously in turmoil at the time.
If I was a man I would want to know. I don't think anyone can second guess how he will react, but that isn't the issue for me. It's about the op sharing with him what happened and her reasons for keeping it secret.

TinselTwins · 14/12/2016 14:18

If he doesn't believe you, please don't continue to try to "prove" it with scan dates etc. If he asks for proof fine, but if you tell him and that's his response, just let him react that way.

I agree that you should not do it face to face so he's on the spot to give you a response. He doesn't owe you any response at all. Give him the facts and leave him alone to do what he wants with them if you do tell him.

baconandeggies · 14/12/2016 14:21

there would be no implications for him if he were to have children now

You mean it may be relevant to if he has children in the future and he and his partner are asked about their obstetric history?

Original poster
GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 14:23

No , there would be no implications for him for future pregnancies . I know why my daughter died and it wasn't anything that would affect any of his future children

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 14/12/2016 14:24

OP you haven't answered about how you would feel if he shrugged if off and reacted to your daughters death as if it was no big deal?

Owllady · 14/12/2016 14:24

Block him on social media. To be in touch will only end in tears after all what's happened. I don't think you should tell him. But maybe think about having some counselling. You have had a really traumatic experience and it's no surprise you can't get over it.

I agree eith this.
I really think you need to talk this through with a professional counsellor. I'm pretty sure you'd qualify for free counselling through your GP service, given your circumstances. I'm sorry about your daughter :( you were so young too x

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 14:25

Yep - it might. It wouldn't be the end of the world though

You know nothing about this man - how can you know that? He may actually take it very badly - he has had no chance to grieve, he was given no chance to meet his daughter, or attend her funeral. This was a child he had fathered. The fact it was kept hidden from him is likely to have a huge impact on his life in terms of trusting people and future/current relationships.

I don't see how telling him you were pregnant would have ruined university for him OP. Several people get pregnant or become fathers during the course of their university studies.

MardyGrave · 14/12/2016 14:25

I think it would be cruel to tell him now, it has no relevancy to his life in this current day.

Ultimately you took the decision out of his hands at the time, because it suited you better.

Original poster
GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 14:26

Tinseltwins , I don't know . Maybe I'd be glad that he knew but it hadn't massively affected him or messed his head up

OP posts:
Serialweightwatcher · 14/12/2016 14:27

There is absolutely no need to tell him - how would you feel if it was the other way around? If your lovely daughter had survived, you had no intention of telling him then about her so why now when there is nothing he can do and surely he'd be angry for you not telling him sooner anyway

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 14:28

but it hadn't massively affected him or messed his head up

Uh. It's like to affect him and mess him up. He fathered a child who has since died and he was not even given the chance to know about it.

Justaboy · 14/12/2016 14:29

If i were that man? Reckon I'd be of the school of thought that what i don't know, never knew about, won't bother me.

An exception would be if that child were existing, alive, then another matter.

As to you OP reckon too that you ought to go and talk to someone to see if you can settle us this issue with yourself somehow.

Original poster
GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 14:29

Nuanna did you read what that was in response to ? I wasn't stating that I think it won't affect him .

OP posts:
SuperRainbows · 14/12/2016 14:29

I think you just feel almost compelled to tell him. I think the email/letter idea is good. You can really think about what you want to say and explain to him what happened and that you don't have any expectations of him, you just want to tell him. That way, he can process what you're telling him in private. Your posts are so sad and you are wrestling with this. I am struggling to understand why you wouldn't share this with him now, given how you are feeling.

HerOtherHalf · 14/12/2016 14:30

If I was him I would be absolutely furious that you hadn't told me you were pregnant and were planning to raise my child as your then husband's. I don't have words to describe how low I think that is. I wouldn't buy the line that you had my best interests at heart and would think 1. that you were doing it primarily for yourself and your husband and 2. that you had no right to decide what was right for me in such an important matter as me fathering a child. Basically, you thought it was alright to hide the fact that I was a father but now you want to share the death with me to make you feel better. I hope he's more laid back and less paternal than I am if you do tell him.

beck3001 · 14/12/2016 14:32

I personally think he should know, it may hurt him but that was his daughter.
He may still want to go to her grave, you can apologise for not telling him especially if there was no way of contacting him.
But he should know. He won't resent you forever and the hurt will settle and may become a comfort for him to know that he had a little girl even if it didn't work out happily at the time.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 14:32

OP Yes, I did.

It is unlikely that any parent is going to shrug off their child's death as no big deal.

baconandeggies · 14/12/2016 14:33

For all the posters saying he may take it really badly, there's also the chance that he'd take the news really calmly and stoically (or every possibility in between). We just don't know.

Therefore I don't think OP can't base her decision on this - it has to be about what's best for her - for the rest of her life. Looking after your own emotional and spiritual wellbeing is fine, absolutely fine. Finding peace by letting your secret go is permitted. There's no logical reason why you should have sole responsibility for this secret.

puddingbunny · 14/12/2016 14:34

The time to tell him was when you were pregnant. You made a decision to keep him out of his child's life and I can't see how telling him the truth now will actually make you feel better. What do you want from him? Do you want him to share your grief? Punish you by being angry or disbelieving you? How is any of that going to help?

Also, whatever your ex may have done since, he was the one who was there for you when all of this happened. Are you sure you're not considering informing your child's biological father as a way of getting back at him?

MardyGrave · 14/12/2016 14:35

beck I don't think it's useful to make claims like him not resenting him forever.

It's the kind of thing someone may feel entitled to hold resentment for a life time.

Original poster
GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 14:36

Puddingbunny, it's not anything to do with my ex husband . We are amicable , and at the time he said he wouldn't mind if I did want to tell the father. It's not about my ex husband at all

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 14/12/2016 14:36

bacon I think the point about his possible reactions is that his reaction may not be what the OP needs, as in the need she feels she will fill by telling him

She may want him to be angry and emotional, and he may not be. She may want him to grieve but he may shut it out. I don't think she knows what she needs from this but I think she's feeling compelled to tell him out of something in herself reaching out for a reaction from him, rather than just handing over the facts and not hanging about for a reaction.

Helpme9 · 14/12/2016 14:38

Entirely up to you OP but personally I think it's too late to tell him. I'm wondering if you benefit from further counselling or some counselling. This time of year is super hard. I just think if you want to meet him as a friend then why not just meet him? Is it about getting in contact with him again? I just think it's all so so sad. I'm sorry you're going through all this

TinselTwins · 14/12/2016 14:38

or as she said, she may want him to be okay with it to aleviate her guilt. He doesn't owe her any reaction at all, she is not entitled to be part of how he deals with it at all.

It should be a one way transfer of information, if it happens at all.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 14:39

bacon The OP is in the position because she did what was right for her previously. In my opinion her actions were incredibly selfish. Maybe she needs to actually start thinking about other people (ie. the child's father) rather than what is most convenient for her.

OP- I'm sorry you are having a difficult time, please seek professional apart from someone (I think Tommy's can point you in the right direction for the correct people to contact).