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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to bring this up now ? Sensitive

210 replies

GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 13:19

I've name changed to post this , I'm not asking for judgement on how I handled the situation , just what I can do about it now .
In 2012 my husband and I temporarily seperated , I had a drunken one night stand with someone I went to school with when he was home from uni for the weekend and fell pregnant . My husband and I worked things out and got back together , he knew about the baby but he never asked who the father was and I didn't volunteer the info and we agreed that he wouldn't go on the birth certificate but we would just let people assume he was the dad until the child was older .
I didn't want to tell the dad because he came from a well off family and I thought maybe they'd either think I was lying or think I wanted money , he was at uni which was something I never had the chance to do due to teenage pregnancy and getting married at 17. I didn't want to ruin his life .I dont know if he ever knew I was pregnant , he didn't have social media and I didn't have his phone number or address.
I went into labour at 23 weeks and my beautiful girl didn't make it . I thought about contacting the dad then so he could attend the funeral but I didn't know how to contact him and in all honesty it wasn't a priority for me right then . So we had a funeral and she was buried , all of her stuff and scan pics are in a memory box. I've since had another child with my husband and we seperated permanantly last year .
This week , the one night stand added me on social media and I accepted . He seems to be doing quite well and I think he's back in our hometown . Since he added me , all I can think about is whether or not I should tell him , I can't sleep or eat ,my stomach is in knots, I am a mess right now . If I do tell him I don't know how to go about it , I'm worried he won't believe me . I know I've got myself into this situation , I can't explain properly it's like two voices in my head arguing over whether to tell him or not .And if I do , how am I meant to bring this up when I haven't seen or spoken to him since ? Sorry if this doesn't make much sense , I can't really think straight

OP posts:
user1471470316 · 14/12/2016 15:04

Dear Going,
I am so sorry that you have had this experience - and I am surprised that a number of posters on a parenting website haven't acknowledged that.

The loss of a child at any stage can be devastating and I can imagine that the thought of potentially having a social interaction with the person who fathered the child you lost - when you are aware of this significant, tragic event and he is not - is causing you lot of pain.

You made the decision not to tell your friend that you were pregnant for what you believed were selfless reasons.

Just because you didn't share with him then, doesn't mean you shouldn't share now. You can't control his response, but you can feel that you finally felt able to acknowledge your daughter, to his father.

Whatever you decide to do, be gentle with yourself and with him. You have both lost something wonderful and for that I send you love.
x

user1471470316 · 14/12/2016 15:05

*her

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 15:06

You said you went to school with him, so of course you had a way of contacting him - any mutual friend would have been able to get hold of him. You said you went to school with him - you'd have known his surname, possibly his siblings, whereabouts his paternal address was.

Denying someone of fatherhood for no good reason is selfish in my book - particularly as it doesn't seem you were ever going to tell him during pregnancy or after the birth of your daughter, or when she was growing up.

I just find that unbelievably sad, both for him, but also for your daughter.

Original poster
GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 15:08

Yes I went to school with him , I knew vaguely the area that he lived and it's a very well off area and not a part of town that I'm familiar with . Again any mutual friends (I use that word loosely because at best they and he were acquaintances) were at uni and I had no way of contacting them . He has no siblings that I know of .

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2016 15:11

Nuanna you have no idea what the PP would have done. Neither does she. The truth will out. As that say. She may well have ended up telling him.

Andylion · 14/12/2016 15:12

OP, is there any way he could find out that you had been pregnant and lost your child after you had been together? Could he do the math and work out that it might be his?

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/12/2016 15:13

Going don't tell him. At least not now to ease your pain. Instead, might I suggest counseling so you can come to terms with it all. Because it seems like you don't have a good handle on how to cope well with the distress and other feelings it causes you. That isn't something for him to "fix". It's something that you need to come to terms with. You are highly unlikely to get peace and closure by telling him. Once you have a handle on your own reaction to it all you'll be in a much better position to decide whether it's a good idea to sit him down and let him know what happened, or not.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 15:15

Italiangreyhound The PP? Not sure who you are referring to.

baconandeggies · 14/12/2016 15:15

Beautifully put. Completely agree:-

Just because you didn't share with him then, doesn't mean you shouldn't share now. You can't control his response, but you can feel that you finally felt able to acknowledge your daughter, to his father.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 15:16

Andylion Leaving him wondering whether he has a deceased child is actually worse than telling him for the wrong reasons.

Original poster
GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 15:18

It's very possible he could find out I had been pregnant and lost a child , we used to go to the same bar every week before he was at uni and if he starts that up again he's very likely to see people that know what's happened . All it would take would be for someone to say something along the lines of 'I don't see going here often anymore' and people would say that I don't go out often after losing my daughter . I'm possibly overthinking it but she is also buried in the churchyard in his part of town and she's not in the local children's cemetery so her grave stands out amongst the others , he could very plausibly walk past it and notice the name /dates but that is probably me overthinking

OP posts:
HorridHenryrule · 14/12/2016 15:21

You know what I am going to say just tell him you will drive yourself crazy. It may even help you heal so don't puss about just tell him.

doomf · 14/12/2016 15:24

I'm so sorry OP Sad

BeaveredBadgered · 14/12/2016 15:26

Don't tell him. You made the decision not to involve him years ago. Very cruel to burden him now.

HorridHenryrule · 14/12/2016 15:28

FWIW I think YANBU you done what you felt was right at the time. I think you should tell him. Thinking about it now why should you be the only one to feel like this. You should tell him. Flowers

HorridHenryrule · 14/12/2016 15:30

Don't tell him. You made the decision not to involve him years ago. Very cruel to burden him now.

What burden is she giving to him and why shouldn't he know. Don't the Op deserve a bit of peace in her head.

HerOtherHalf · 14/12/2016 15:37

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Original poster
GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 15:37

And to those saying it's selfish and cruel to not have told him to start with , I know I was wrong not to tell him but it wasn't for selfish purposes . I genuinely didn't want to compromise his education . Telling him wouldn't have negatively affected me and it wouldn't have changed my husbands mind about wanting to get back together .

OP posts:
Nuanna · 14/12/2016 15:37

You had a one night stand with a man you knew from school who had returned home for the university holidays.

You got back with your DP and decided not to tell the man from school that you were pregnant. Your DP was going to raise the child as his own, but not be on the birth certificate.

Sadly at 23 weeks you went into premature labour and your daughter died.

In all this time there was no way you could have told him what had happened. Yet, he has come home now, and he may find out from someone else due to the bar he drinks in. Yet, during that time he didn’t know any of this - even though he would have been home for the majority of university holidays. However, it’s possible someone else would tell him you were pregnant now, but this has never happened over the last four years. I don't understand this, all his friends went to university and didn't come home during the holidays? You don't have any mutual friends on social media? And why would someone tell him now when they haven't told him before?

He comes from a part of town you are not familiar with, yet your daughter is buried there and you think now he may find out from the grave?

The one night stand was in 2012. Which means he must have at least finished his first year. Is he a medic? That would be a five year course (finals are happening just now) and would also fit in with what you said about it being “stressful”. Because if so he’s now in his junior doctor years and they are likely to be a lot more stressful for him then any year of medical school.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 15:38

Plenty of men have a child during univeristy and it doesn't compromise their education at all - it's perfectly doable to be a student and to be a parent. It just isn't doable when they don't get the chance too.

Original poster
GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 15:44

I am taking on board what you are saying Nuanna , I have already said I know I was wrong to not tell .
I think he actually finished uni in 2014/5 I'm not entirely sure because he hasnt been living locally . No , not a medic

OP posts:
user1471470316 · 14/12/2016 15:46

There is a lot of judgement on this post based on the OP's past decisions.

Humans are not infallible.

The OP is seeking support for what she should do now- not criticism of what she did, or didn't do, then.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 15:49

Going - I think that whatever you do you must first go and seek out counselling and speak it through face-to-face with someone. Make sure it's 100% what you want to do, that you are doing it for reasons other making yourself feel better (it may, it may not, his reaction could make you feel worse), and make sure you have counselling / support for afterwards. It may also be prudent to sort out a local counselling organisation for him - that way if you do tell him - you can follow up with "I found this contact for you just in case you feel you may need it". Again, with your memory box - he may want to spend some time with some of the things in there, so think about this before you tell him it exists.

Also - and actually this just popped into my head - if you did tell him, and it did effect him - are his family the "type" of family that are likely to come after you for compensation / money? I have no idea how this would work in the case of a deceased child. You may want to check this out as well before you say anything.

HorridHenryrule · 14/12/2016 15:51

You cant change the past and that's where it belongs. Focus on what you think you should do now and if that's telling him, then tell him. You have nothing to be ashamed about he was already gone when you found out you were pregnant. You did the best you could.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 15:52

Do you think there's any chance he has added you now because someone has already told him?