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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to bring this up now ? Sensitive

210 replies

GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 13:19

I've name changed to post this , I'm not asking for judgement on how I handled the situation , just what I can do about it now .
In 2012 my husband and I temporarily seperated , I had a drunken one night stand with someone I went to school with when he was home from uni for the weekend and fell pregnant . My husband and I worked things out and got back together , he knew about the baby but he never asked who the father was and I didn't volunteer the info and we agreed that he wouldn't go on the birth certificate but we would just let people assume he was the dad until the child was older .
I didn't want to tell the dad because he came from a well off family and I thought maybe they'd either think I was lying or think I wanted money , he was at uni which was something I never had the chance to do due to teenage pregnancy and getting married at 17. I didn't want to ruin his life .I dont know if he ever knew I was pregnant , he didn't have social media and I didn't have his phone number or address.
I went into labour at 23 weeks and my beautiful girl didn't make it . I thought about contacting the dad then so he could attend the funeral but I didn't know how to contact him and in all honesty it wasn't a priority for me right then . So we had a funeral and she was buried , all of her stuff and scan pics are in a memory box. I've since had another child with my husband and we seperated permanantly last year .
This week , the one night stand added me on social media and I accepted . He seems to be doing quite well and I think he's back in our hometown . Since he added me , all I can think about is whether or not I should tell him , I can't sleep or eat ,my stomach is in knots, I am a mess right now . If I do tell him I don't know how to go about it , I'm worried he won't believe me . I know I've got myself into this situation , I can't explain properly it's like two voices in my head arguing over whether to tell him or not .And if I do , how am I meant to bring this up when I haven't seen or spoken to him since ? Sorry if this doesn't make much sense , I can't really think straight

OP posts:
baconandeggies · 14/12/2016 13:55

I don't know if it's fair to tell him to try and make me feel better

I don't know either... But you deserve peace and closure.

If you were in his shoes, what would you want? Would you want to know? If the mum told you she couldn't bear to keep the secret any longer as it was making her unwell would you be angry at her? Think she was selfish?

Viviennemary · 14/12/2016 13:57

Block him on social media. To be in touch will only end in tears after all what's happened. I don't think you should tell him. But maybe think about having some counselling. You have had a really traumatic experience and it's no surprise you can't get over it.

baconandeggies · 14/12/2016 13:58

If there's any chance that this secret may eat you up inside for the rest of your life, then I'd finally let it go and tell the truth.

Original poster
GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 14:00

If I was in his shoes I think I'd want to know . But I can't be certain because I'm not a man so I can't really put myself in that position . I know telling him would upset him or possibly anger him and I know that it'd be selfish to tell him now , but on the other hand he could visit her grave if he wanted . I honestly feel like I'm sitting on a timebomb and that it could explode at any minute

OP posts:
Original poster
GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 14:01

At the time , I'd already decided not to tell him before I even got back with my husband because he was at uni and I didn't want to ruin that for him . He's a decent person and would no doubt have done his utmost to be around

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 14/12/2016 14:02

I think telling him has advantages for you.

But knowing now this late will not benefit him in any way.

I guess it falls to the balance: if not telling him damages you more than finding out now will damage him then tell him.. depends on how severely the secret is affecting you?

HaveNoSocks · 14/12/2016 14:02
Flowers

I agree with the other poster's there will be no benefit to telling him now. I'm sure he'd rather not know.
Maybe seeing him on social media has reignited your sense of loss and this is why it's come to your mind. I don't think telling him will alleviate any of your feelings though. Hopefully you have a support network you can talk to about it though if you find you're struggling.

hutchblue · 14/12/2016 14:03

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

notangelinajolie · 14/12/2016 14:06

So sorry for your loss, but no don't tell him. I just read your latest post and I know you are hurting but I don't think it is fair to tell him to make yourself feel better. That would be absolutely the wrong reason and there is no guarantee that it will help. You made your decision before she was born and I think you should stick to it.

baconandeggies · 14/12/2016 14:06

I know telling him would upset him or possibly anger him

Yep - it might. It wouldn't be the end of the world though. I don't mean that flippantly - he deserves to feel how he'd feel. But he would come to terms with the news and it'd become a part of his life.

Your reasoning was well meaning, but I do think it sounds like this is too big for you to keep to yourself... Otherwise you wouldn't feel so conflicted.

TinselTwins · 14/12/2016 14:07

OP are you expecting him to respond in a certain way

He will NOT be able to share your grief, you lost a baby you knew about, he'ld be finding out about a baby that he never expected to have. Even if he does grieve it'll be in a totally different way to you.

How will you feel if he says "why should that mean anything to me?" or "so what?" or something like that? Are you looking for someone else who has a connection to your baby, because he will not have a similar connection, if he feels anything about it at all it'll be in a very different way to you.

SuperRainbows · 14/12/2016 14:07

I normally agree with the majority response, but I find with this one I'm not. I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl and I quite understand why you responded the way you did and didn't tell her Dad.
However, things are different now and I think you may feel better if you share this with him. You say you wouldn't have considered it if he hadn't contacted you, but it sounds like he has come back to your hometown, so chances are you'd bump into him anyway at some point. I think you have probably suppressed a lot of emotions about that period of your life and I think telling him would be the start of healing for you. I think this is such a deep sadness for you and why shouldn't you tell him if you think it will make you feel better? Doesn't sound like you want a relationship, but you've obviously got on in the past, so he could well be a good friend. IMO you should tell him.

baconandeggies · 14/12/2016 14:08

But knowing now this late will not benefit him in any way.

If I was a man I'd want to know. I'm pretty sure any of my male friends would say the same.

Benedikte2 · 14/12/2016 14:09

OP how would you feel if he refused to believe you, called you names etc. Would you then wish you'd said nothing?

PinkFluffiUnicorn · 14/12/2016 14:11

I'm sorry for your loss, & your separation, I don't think it will do him any good to know now, it might appease your misguided sense of guilt.
The only reason I could think of you telling him is if you were hoping to start a relationship with him?
It's horrible what's happened to you, but to tell him now just seems cruel, no joy at a new life & not being able to grieve at funeral.
I do hope you find peace

TinselTwins · 14/12/2016 14:13

OP how would you feel if he refused to believe you, called you names etc
I think if it goes that way, he's more likely to say things about the baby that upset the OP, that is meaningless to him etc

OP if you tell him, give him the facts and then leave him alone, do not expect any sort of reaction from him either way, him knowing would be for him to deal with, he will not and should not be expected to share your burden.

Tell him if you think he should know. Don't tell him if you're expecting it to be healing for you to share the loss, because he won't sare your loss, even if he does feel his own personal grief, which is may or may not do

Original poster
GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 14:14

He's not the sort to call names etc and I think he probably would take it at face value . If he didn't believe me it'd be easy to prove with scan photos that obviously have the date and gestation on so he could see that the gestation matches when we slept together . He is a very quiet person so if he was angry I don't think he'd be vocal about it . I worry about messing with his head , he seems to have a very good job , I don't want to mess things up for him which is why I didn't tell him in the first place . I don't know why I want to bring it up I can't explain it

OP posts:
PleaseNotTrump · 14/12/2016 14:14

Such a hard decision. Do you know why your baby died? Would it have medical implications for him if he later lost a baby? Flowers

baconandeggies · 14/12/2016 14:15

Or... If you put it all in a letter (email if you don't have his address) it'd afford both of you a little space from the immediate shock of the news iyswim.

YelloDraw · 14/12/2016 14:15

Don't tell him.

Several possible outcomes, none of which are great.

Original poster
GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 14:16

I do know why , there would be no implications for him if he were to have children now

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 14/12/2016 14:16

You are grieving and you want to share the grief with him because it might help you manage the grief better. That's not meant to sound harsh btw, I'm just trying to summarise why you want to tell him.

The only other person in the world with an attachment to your beautiful girl is this man. But he doesn't have an attachment to her because he didn't and doesn't know about her. So the likelihood is that he won't feel anything at all and won't be able to help you feel better.

So although I completely get why you want to tell him, I don't think you should.

PleaseNotTrump · 14/12/2016 14:16

xpost. You both sound nice people. Maybe talk it through with a counsellor - perhaps what you are looking for from him is to grieve with the person who was biologically related to her.

YelloDraw · 14/12/2016 14:17

He might react really badly "fuck off you fucking bitch, are you crazy making that shit up"

And that would make you feel even worse.

baconandeggies · 14/12/2016 14:18

I don't know why I want to bring it up I can't explain it

Maybe because it's the truth and your daughter existed. She was here and she was real.

I worry about messing with his head

It's his head and you can't take responsibility for him.

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