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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu to bring this up now ? Sensitive

210 replies

GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 13:19

I've name changed to post this , I'm not asking for judgement on how I handled the situation , just what I can do about it now .
In 2012 my husband and I temporarily seperated , I had a drunken one night stand with someone I went to school with when he was home from uni for the weekend and fell pregnant . My husband and I worked things out and got back together , he knew about the baby but he never asked who the father was and I didn't volunteer the info and we agreed that he wouldn't go on the birth certificate but we would just let people assume he was the dad until the child was older .
I didn't want to tell the dad because he came from a well off family and I thought maybe they'd either think I was lying or think I wanted money , he was at uni which was something I never had the chance to do due to teenage pregnancy and getting married at 17. I didn't want to ruin his life .I dont know if he ever knew I was pregnant , he didn't have social media and I didn't have his phone number or address.
I went into labour at 23 weeks and my beautiful girl didn't make it . I thought about contacting the dad then so he could attend the funeral but I didn't know how to contact him and in all honesty it wasn't a priority for me right then . So we had a funeral and she was buried , all of her stuff and scan pics are in a memory box. I've since had another child with my husband and we seperated permanantly last year .
This week , the one night stand added me on social media and I accepted . He seems to be doing quite well and I think he's back in our hometown . Since he added me , all I can think about is whether or not I should tell him , I can't sleep or eat ,my stomach is in knots, I am a mess right now . If I do tell him I don't know how to go about it , I'm worried he won't believe me . I know I've got myself into this situation , I can't explain properly it's like two voices in my head arguing over whether to tell him or not .And if I do , how am I meant to bring this up when I haven't seen or spoken to him since ? Sorry if this doesn't make much sense , I can't really think straight

OP posts:
HorridHenryrule · 14/12/2016 17:16

Yes totally agree no more discussion on contraception.

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2016 17:18

Cross posted with Nuanna about Sands... Thanks

MNHQ
YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 14/12/2016 17:19

Hi everyone,
We've made a few deletions, and would probably advise everyone to bear in mind that the OP of this thread is a grieving mother. We know that she came for some MN wisdom, and that comes in many forms, but gently does it.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 17:20

Italian Awesome - it's a good resource.

LeopardPrintSocks1 · 14/12/2016 17:22

Op I'm sorry for you loss Flowers but I think you missed your chance at telling him when you were pregnant. It would just hurt him now.

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2016 17:27

TinselTwins

"I know I was wrong not to tell him but it wasn't for selfish purposes . I genuinely didn't want to compromise his education

You've got to at some point realise that this is just how you've rationalised not telling him"

This is of course just your opinion, you have no idea if this is how the OP has rationalized her decision or whether she truly believed it but of course it is harder to undermine her thoughts on this when you take into account her own hopes go to on to further education were dashed by a pregnancy. The thing is that a child doesn't effect a man, usually, as much as a woman in terms of education, and a pregnancy doesn't affect a man anywhere near the potential effects on a woman. So maybe he would have been fine knowing, but the OP made a choice. And that was her choice to make.

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2016 17:28

LeopardPrintSocks when did she miss her chance, is there a statue of limitations on knowledge.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 17:31

"her own hopes go to on to further education were dashed by a pregnancy."

But there are plenty of women who choose to still go to further education when pregnant, with a baby or with children already. This was how the OP viewed it, and a decision she made, it honestly doesn't make it impossible for people to access further education when you've had child.

larrygrylls · 14/12/2016 17:33

Going,

I don't think telling him would help you. I feel that you have a picture of talking over your baby and grieving together. The reality is that he will probably feel that he dodged a bullet and wonder why you are now telling him.

TinselTwins · 14/12/2016 17:42

Italiangreyhound, it's no logical, that's how I know it is her rationalising it.. she's also said that she was afraid of being percieved as a liar and a gold digger.. but maybe it's easier for her to believe that she did him a favour even though she didn't.

Original poster
GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 17:43

Thanks for all of the comments . I am going to come back to this thread later , I really need to think about why I want to tell him and whether it do more harm than good in both the short and long term .

OP posts:
Original poster
GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 17:44

I'm just finding it difficult to think about it clearly right now yet at the same time it's all I can think About

OP posts:
user1471470316 · 14/12/2016 17:48

Mumsnet...can you advise why my post at 16:00 was deleted?! I suggested that I was not in agreement of language such as 'scum sucker' to describe a grieving woman and called for posters to be non judgemental and kind to the op. How has that contravened guidelines? Sorry to detail the post, new user, unsure of how to ask that question. But seems the thread has descended into debate between individuals, as opposed to support for the OP anyway.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 17:53

Going Please check out the SANDS link posted above - some of those organisations have telephone numbers where you may be able to access over-the-phone support quickly. Not sure if you find writing useful but could you jot down some of your thoughts? I also sometimes find drawing out "pros and cons" diagrams useful to view everything together on the opposing sides.

user I think it was because the original post was deleted - my reference to it has gone as well. Debates are always going to happen, and it can actually be positive for the OP to read both sets of opinions.

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2016 17:57

GoingMad take all the time you need, one thing to remember is that you cannot un-tell him, so you need to be sure that if you tell him it is really what you want to do.

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2016 17:59

Nuanna re " This was how the OP viewed it, and a decision she made, it honestly doesn't make it impossible for people to access further education when you've had child."

Yes of course some access further education and do well. Some do not. My friend got pregnant at college, her partner was in his final year. They married. He completed his course and went on to study further as well. She dropped out. You see it really is not as simple as saying some people study and have a child and it all works out. Some don't.

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2016 18:04

Just a thought but had this man followed her up with a meeting anytime in the weeks and months after the sex he would have found out the OP was carrying a baby. Why is she responsible for telling him. I mean it is great if she had chosen to do so, and many, many women will choose to tell the man. But not all will.

TinselTwins Re "Italiangreyhound, it's no logical, that's how I know it is her rationalising it."

What is not logical? Do you honestly think most men would be delighted at the idea they were to be a dad during a heavy university course by a one night stand? Would many, many men prefer not to know? I think it is easy to see that many would prefer not to know.

Also "... she's also said that she was afraid of being percieved as a liar and a gold digger"

It is very, very clear to me that the OP is still fearful of this and that is one thing holding her back.

I have no idea if they would have persevered her as such; personally I would not give a fuck what they thought but the OP sounds a lot nicer than me! She seems to be genuinely worried what these relative strangers would think of her. After what she has lost I would not be at all worried about their views of me.

TinselTwins Re ".. but maybe it's easier for her to believe that she did him a favour even though she didn't."

According to you, this is your view, as mine is mine, and the OP's view is she did what she thought was best for him.Whether what she did was for his best, truly - I don't know. But whether what she did was in her mind for his own good, I don't know but I choose to believe her.

OP you need some counselling and potentially some assertiveness training too so that you can start to feel better about how you handled things. You are so young, you did what you felt was right and you need to stop feeling bad about the way you handled your part of this, who knows how any of us would have acted.

Candlefairy101 · 14/12/2016 19:21

I think you want to tell him because he's the only other person on the planet that can share your grief.

You feel like no one else can understand your loss as much as the baby's father can.

So sorry about your lose :(

Wombletor · 14/12/2016 19:29

So sorry for your loss op. Hugs to you.

Don't tell him. It would be cruel.

Xx

Original poster
GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 19:40

I actually think all the people saying that I only want him to know because he's the only one who has also lost a child here are almost right . Thinking about it , I think it's because he is kind of my last link to her . I don't want to pursue a relationship with him , but since seeing his face pop up on my screen it hit me that apart from me he is the only one connected to her if that makes sense

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 14/12/2016 20:11

He doesn't share your connection with you. He never will/can. He never had hopes or expectations for the future for her. If he has feelings about it it'll bear no resemblance to yours

He may feel nothing towards her. I feel nothing about a pregnancy I had that ended in miscarriage. I didn't know I was pregnant until I was misscarrying so I never had any hopes for that pregnancy. I feel absolutely nothing about that baby/pregancy because by the time I was aware of it, it was not a possible person. Most of the time I completely forget it happened until something (like this) reminds me, I generally don't consider myself to have had a misscarraige because I don't feel I "suffered" a misscarraige because I didn't lose a pregancy I was aware of.

alotlikeChristmas16 · 14/12/2016 20:16

i tend to agree with tinsel, we can't know his reaction but it'd be very unlikely that he felt a connection to a baby he didn't know about, especially as an initial reaction, or a sense of loss. I had a MC and it was all the imaginings and hopes of that baby that I'd built up that were hard to let go of, he didn't go through any of the trauma or meet that baby. I still don't think it's terrible to tell him, it is the truth at the end of the day, but I worry about you hoping for a particular reaction from him. I hope you follow some of the links posted for help with dealing with the loss.

Original poster
GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 20:17

When I say connection I mean genetically he's the only thing I have left of her . I wouldn't expect him to be as deeply affected as I am , if at all .

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2016 20:25

Gooingmad please be careful about telling him and hoping for a set reaction. If you tell him, he will react in the way he feels, which (as others have pointed out) may be very different from you.

I still feel it may be right to tell him, it is the truth and thus is usually the best way to go. Plus you may experience a level of closyre, in that you have done all you could do for your daughter.

I think you should speak to a counsellor before you speak to him. I really feel they could help you word things in a way that will present the facts in the least harmful way. I also think you need to explain to him (in the letter) why you chose to do things the way you did.

TinselTwins · 14/12/2016 20:28

Gooingmad please be careful about telling him and hoping for a set reaction. If you tell him, he will react in the way he feels, which (as others have pointed out) may be very different from you

I don't think that the OP should tell him in a way that makes him give her any reaction at all

If she tells him she should just pass him the information, not face to face, ideally in a letter, and walk away from it unless he contacts her with questions.

He can share his reaction with his nearest and dearest, he doesn't owe the OP any reaction.