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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to bring this up now ? Sensitive

210 replies

GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 13:19

I've name changed to post this , I'm not asking for judgement on how I handled the situation , just what I can do about it now .
In 2012 my husband and I temporarily seperated , I had a drunken one night stand with someone I went to school with when he was home from uni for the weekend and fell pregnant . My husband and I worked things out and got back together , he knew about the baby but he never asked who the father was and I didn't volunteer the info and we agreed that he wouldn't go on the birth certificate but we would just let people assume he was the dad until the child was older .
I didn't want to tell the dad because he came from a well off family and I thought maybe they'd either think I was lying or think I wanted money , he was at uni which was something I never had the chance to do due to teenage pregnancy and getting married at 17. I didn't want to ruin his life .I dont know if he ever knew I was pregnant , he didn't have social media and I didn't have his phone number or address.
I went into labour at 23 weeks and my beautiful girl didn't make it . I thought about contacting the dad then so he could attend the funeral but I didn't know how to contact him and in all honesty it wasn't a priority for me right then . So we had a funeral and she was buried , all of her stuff and scan pics are in a memory box. I've since had another child with my husband and we seperated permanantly last year .
This week , the one night stand added me on social media and I accepted . He seems to be doing quite well and I think he's back in our hometown . Since he added me , all I can think about is whether or not I should tell him , I can't sleep or eat ,my stomach is in knots, I am a mess right now . If I do tell him I don't know how to go about it , I'm worried he won't believe me . I know I've got myself into this situation , I can't explain properly it's like two voices in my head arguing over whether to tell him or not .And if I do , how am I meant to bring this up when I haven't seen or spoken to him since ? Sorry if this doesn't make much sense , I can't really think straight

OP posts:
HorridHenryrule · 14/12/2016 16:44

Contraception is not the responsibility of the man. It should be a mutual decision between two adults.

Nuanna I think you are turning this thread into how you feel and I think you need to back off.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 16:46

horridhenry

So you think telling him so he can think about his contraception is a good reason to tell him? For the OP?

C'mon? Really?

LionelRitchieAndTheWardrobe · 14/12/2016 16:47

I don't think there's a right or wrong here. I think you should do what you feel.

However, I think it's quite possible that he will not attribute the same level of meaning to the baby as you do. Carrying a baby who dies at 23 weeks, is an incredibly powerful distressing experience for a woman. For him, it's a past event that happened to someone else.

If you do choose to tell him, you might be upset if he doesn't attach the same emotional significance as you do.

I don't see why he wouldn't believe you, but if he doesn't would you find that upsetting?

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 16:47

"Oh I am telling you four years later about the fact you became a father, the child was born at 23 weeks and is deceased now because I think you need to think about wearing a condom in your future one night stands".

Really?! That is not going to do the OP any favours at all.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 14/12/2016 16:48

I'd let it lie. By doing it you may feel less guilty but you may well be the only one who feels better after.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 16:52

Italian Sorry, I totally misunderstood. Yes - totally agree that the Going may tell him. Hopefully there's some suggestions on here that she finds useful and takes on board. Trying to think now if there are organisations other than Tommy's - I think there is one called Bliss who may be able to advise.

alotlikeChristmas16 · 14/12/2016 16:54

yes, contraception is mutual but certainly neither party discussed it properly, and he deserves to know that there were in fact consequences to that that he didn't bear, alongside it being the truth of course. Nuanna I also agree your comments are very harsh and not helpful. Op, I do think you should get counselling though if you can, if that is feasible, first off.

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2016 16:55

Nuanna please stop talking about solicitors, woman cannot be sued about this type of thing.

and

"To the person who said about people being judgmental" I just feel some posters have been very judgmental about the OP's past decision.

I totally agree with user1471470316, the phrase ''scum sucker" being used here is utterly inappropriate.

HorridHenryrule · 14/12/2016 16:56

If you do choose to tell him, you might be upset if he doesn't attach the same emotional significance as you do.

That is the point I was trying to make in my post. He won't feel the same as you would about it. You were pregnant and he was at uni. You can tell him I cant see how he would be upset with you after losing your child. It may be good for your soul and helping you to move on if you tell him about what happened. What is the worse that can happen.

Chickenagain · 14/12/2016 16:57

It sounds like it is impossible for you to put this in a peaceful place. The person that made this little girl with you, has not been able to share your pain and this will always be a thorn.
If you tell him, you will probably feel some relief, albeit at the cost of his ignorance of the situation.
If it were me, hurting as much as you, then I would probably break it to him. You are carrying a huge burden, alone and it would probably be a relief to share it.
I wish you good luck in your decision and I am very, very sorry for your loss.

SandyFeet177 · 14/12/2016 17:00

Really sorry to hear about your baby, I wouldn't tell him. It's passing pain on to someone else, there's nothing that can be achieved from telling him. The time to have told him would have been when you found out you were pregnant. Life can be so complicated. Wishing you all the best. x

TinselTwins · 14/12/2016 17:01

I know I was wrong not to tell him but it wasn't for selfish purposes . I genuinely didn't want to compromise his education

You've got to at some point realise that this is just how you've rationalised not telling him

Because if you ever really genuinely rationalised it, you must see that telling him wouldn't have limited his choices, it was not telling him that limited his choices. In what way would him knowing you were pregnant have prevented him from continuing at uni? It wouldn't. It would probably have motivated him to do better: being pregnant at uni did that for me and several of my friends: suddenly dicking about wasn't an option as we had someone else's future to work towards, not just our own, so we made our time at uni count!

HorridHenryrule · 14/12/2016 17:01

Nuanna you have confused me as I have never posted anything about contraception what a heartless thing to say.

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2016 17:01

Nuana ..." Is it a possibility?" Is what a possibility?

That women can victimized for not telling the truth, for not telling men if they have been impregnated by them, for telling the truth, for telling men when they have been impregnated by them? NO, I don't believe in this country women can be treated this way, thank God.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 17:04

This reply has been deleted

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Nuanna · 14/12/2016 17:06

"Consequences he didn't bear" because he wasn't given the chance to bear them. It's not because he didn't want to (maybe he didn't, we'll never know).

Using this as an education for contraception though (as was suggested a few posts back) is not OK. It may make him think about contraception in the future, but there should be better reasons to tell him then "you should always wear a condom because you may get someone pregnant". He probably knows that already (it does appear he's quite well educated with a four / five year university degree).

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 17:09

OP

This maybe useful, my partner just emailed it through and it has a wealth of information on all types of organisations who may be able to offer you advice and support.

www.uk-sands.org/resources/useful-links-and-organisations

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 17:11

HorridHenry You quoted a post about contraception above. That is what I was replying to - that quote came from a poster who said "I'd want the guy should know he got somebody pg from a ONS/fling as he wasn't being responsible and maybe still isn't, "

HorridHenryrule · 14/12/2016 17:11

Contraception is not the responsibility of the man. It should be a mutual decision between two adults. Nuanna Wed 14-Dec-16 16:40:30

I copied that from your post Nuanna or have you forgotten. I think you need to back off you are getting to heated. I did not post about contraception I copied and pasted what you posted and asked you nicely to back off.

HorridHenryrule · 14/12/2016 17:12

I cross posted with you Nuanna I just saw your post.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 14/12/2016 17:13

"Consequences he didn't bear" because he wasn't given the chance to bear them. It's not because he didn't want to (maybe he didn't, we'll never know).

Did he ask and she lied? Or did he never ask?

I think the op should have counselling and not discount telling him. Things to explore in counselling could include whether keeping the secret is a source of pain and or whatever wanting to tell him would only be beneficial if he responded in a certain way or whether the response is irrelevant and there would be relief in no longer feeling like the secret is a burden.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 17:13

HorridHenry Your post referred to it. You quoted my response to the person who said "I'd want the guy should know he got somebody pg from a ONS/fling as he wasn't being responsible and maybe still isn't, "

I am not heated at all :-)

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 17:14

HorridHenry. Glad that's cleared up - I don't think the contraception thing should come into it all - I think that's something we do agree on ?

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 17:15

Did he ask and she lied? Or did he never ask?

Interesting point - I am guessing he never asked. But he wasn't told either.

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2016 17:15

GoingMad not sure how much any of this is helping you but here is my take on it.

You had sex and you got pregnant. Yes, he was the father but you were pregnant. Unplanned. You dealt with this the best way you could. You lost yuor lovely baby and are now heartbroken by this.

Please get councelling,maybe try Sands

www.uk-sands.org/

They may be able to help you make this decision or help you decide how to tell the birth father.

But if you want my honest advice, you should tell him. It is a secret you are holding and it is eating you up. I have no idea how he will react, almost certainly he will not be as upset and cut up about it all as you are, he will potentially feel annoyed you have told him, maybe relieved to have missed all this drama, and that may be hard for you to bear, BUT however he reacts to this you will have put down this burden of a secret and can concentrate on the rest of you life.

Women's bodies are not the property of men, and although he helped to create this little it is really not such a terrible thing you have done. You acted in the situation you found yourself in, for the best of everyone.

You have now been given a chance to tell him about it in a much more pressing way and you must choose what is for the best and what is right. Please, please put yourself squarely in the centre of your own thoughts and plans.

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