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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to bring this up now ? Sensitive

210 replies

GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 13:19

I've name changed to post this , I'm not asking for judgement on how I handled the situation , just what I can do about it now .
In 2012 my husband and I temporarily seperated , I had a drunken one night stand with someone I went to school with when he was home from uni for the weekend and fell pregnant . My husband and I worked things out and got back together , he knew about the baby but he never asked who the father was and I didn't volunteer the info and we agreed that he wouldn't go on the birth certificate but we would just let people assume he was the dad until the child was older .
I didn't want to tell the dad because he came from a well off family and I thought maybe they'd either think I was lying or think I wanted money , he was at uni which was something I never had the chance to do due to teenage pregnancy and getting married at 17. I didn't want to ruin his life .I dont know if he ever knew I was pregnant , he didn't have social media and I didn't have his phone number or address.
I went into labour at 23 weeks and my beautiful girl didn't make it . I thought about contacting the dad then so he could attend the funeral but I didn't know how to contact him and in all honesty it wasn't a priority for me right then . So we had a funeral and she was buried , all of her stuff and scan pics are in a memory box. I've since had another child with my husband and we seperated permanantly last year .
This week , the one night stand added me on social media and I accepted . He seems to be doing quite well and I think he's back in our hometown . Since he added me , all I can think about is whether or not I should tell him , I can't sleep or eat ,my stomach is in knots, I am a mess right now . If I do tell him I don't know how to go about it , I'm worried he won't believe me . I know I've got myself into this situation , I can't explain properly it's like two voices in my head arguing over whether to tell him or not .And if I do , how am I meant to bring this up when I haven't seen or spoken to him since ? Sorry if this doesn't make much sense , I can't really think straight

OP posts:
Original poster
GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 15:52

I don't think his family would do that . I don't know that much about them , I just know they're quite wealthy . I grew up on a council estate and as I've already said fell pregnant at 16 and left school so I was worried that in telling him , both then and now ,they'd think that I was after money from them .

OP posts:
HorridHenryrule · 14/12/2016 15:54

Nuanna you are scare mongering the op with your BS compensation money Bollocks. What decent person says that.

Cromwell1536 · 14/12/2016 15:55

Don't tell him. You had good reasons not to tell him years back, you had worked out a path ahead, and reconciled yourself to it not including him knowing about the pregnancy and child. He's a stranger to you (sorry, social media and friends of friends in bars don't count, they really don't) and your lives aren't intertwined at all. Walking past the grave and putting two and two together from what someone might say in a bar happens in detective fiction, not in real life. If you had a ONS with no contraceptive, he could have contacted you afterwards to check whether you were pregnant, but he didn't. He's not thinking about you, he's getting on with his own life, which is what you wanted. If you and your husband were still together and happily planning a future with your kids, you wouldn't be considering this.

You've had grief served you in big spoon, and I'm really sorry for your losses. But you don't have a right to throw a potential bombshell into his life. What good can possibly come out of it for either of you? You made a big grown-up decision, now live with it, find another outlet for your grief, and move on without involving him. I don't mean to sound harsh, I honestly think you will feel better for sticking by your first instincts and not involving him.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 15:56

To the person who said about people being judgemental - the questions being asked and the points that are being raised are likely to be things that him (and his family, because I suspect he will tell them and they will have their own set of questions) are likely to ask and be trying to understand.

Starduke · 14/12/2016 15:57

I am sorry for your loss.

I do think telling him would be cruel though.

My friend's girlfriend got pregnant and had an abortion without telling him she was even pregnant. They split up 6 months later (out of the blue for him).

Some time later she told him about the abortion. He was absolutely gutted - he really wanted children and was madly in love with her. It was so cruel telling him and really affected him.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 15:58

HorridHenry Not scaremongering at all - if they are the type of family that associates people with "things that go after money" it may be because they do it themselves. This family may feel very pissed off that they were not given the chance to meet and grieve for a daughter, grandchild etc.

user1471470316 · 14/12/2016 16:00

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baconandeggies · 14/12/2016 16:01

Best wishes with your decision OP Flowers

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 16:02

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Original poster
GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 16:07

Herotherhalf , I am sorry you feel the need to resort to name calling , but as I am still only 23 I do not always know exactly what to do for the best . I am not claiming that I haven't made a mistake . I can see that I've made a mistake .

OP posts:
Cromwell1536 · 14/12/2016 16:08

Nuanna - and sorry to be off-topic, but this is so ludicrous I have to respond - what lawyer in the world do you think would advise the family that they have a good case for compensation from someone who, I'm willing to bet my house, has no means of paying restorative or punitive damages? And what would those damages be for? the loss of an opportunity to raise a child (deducting the expense of raising the child, of course)? loss of future earnings as a result of deep depression that the denied-father sinks into at the news? ummm....seems unlikely.

OP, I suspect you can safely skip Nuanna's posts, because, well, the words thick as mince occur to me. And now I'm over and out.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 16:11

Recap on the important bits as I see them.

Firstly, organise counselling if your head is every and there is internal conflict it’s difficult to make decision, let alone one that is as important as this.

Secondly, use one of those counselling sessions to explore the options - to tell him, or to not tell him. Things I think that need to be discussed:

  • reasons for not telling him previously
  • reasons for telling him now
  • ways he can grieve safely (he may not want this information from you)
  • ways you can suggest so that he can get to know his daughter (if he wishes)
  • appropriate time and place to tell him - is right before Christmas a really good idea? This date is likely to stick with him for a long time.
  • think about the memory box thing, is this something you would like to share
  • contact with him in the future

Thirdly, make sure you have ongoing support. His reaction could be anything, and then his family could also react.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 16:14

Cromwell1536 Thanks - did you miss the bit where I clearly said I had no idea about that? However, as suing for damages is becoming more and more common and this news may seriously impact the father, than yes, I think when we are having a discussion about scenarios and possibilities it's a fair thing to raise.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 16:17

crowell I have no idea about the OPs financial circumstances - you are willing to bet your house that she has no means of paying restorative or punitive damages but on what basis? Because she said she grew up in a council estate?

And you're saying I'm thick as mince. I forgot we lived in a world where people judged you based on what type of house you lived in growing up.

HorridHenryrule · 14/12/2016 16:19

The people who know you and him and know the situation you was in would you rather them tell him which they will or you. One drink down the local pub and people start chatting.

I would sort out counselling with your GP. There is nothing his family can do about it they've never met you. There is no right or wrong answer to this you just have to do what is right for you. You should be able to talk to him about it is he an ogre.

HorridHenryrule · 14/12/2016 16:22

Nuanna I think if you are going to make statements about his family looking for damages/compensation you need to include proof. Google it first and then come back and show us that you are right. You cant throw that at a young vulnerable mother who is grieving. Proof it first.

alotlikeChristmas16 · 14/12/2016 16:23

i don't think there is a clear right answer here and i do agree you should have counselling. It may help you to have the truth out there, i'd rather have the truth out there even if it's painful and not 'useful'. I'd want the guy should know he got somebody pg from a ONS/fling as he wasn't being responsible and maybe still isn't, so there is some benefit to him/anybody else he is/gets involved with. I do think you should anticipate he could well be angry about not being told.

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2016 16:29

Sorry Nuanna the OP.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 16:35

HorridHenry I clearly stated -

I have no idea how this would work in the case of a deceased child

GoingMad's situation is going to be a lot worse if she suddenly ends up with a solicitors letter on her doorstep because this family are actual complete arses. Nothing wrong to suggest getting advice on this beforehand.

Scrumptiousbears · 14/12/2016 16:39

I do not think you should tell him. It will not benefit him in anyway and if you feel it would benefit you then you may want to consider some counselling. I don't think it's fair on him just to make you feel better.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 16:40

I'd want the guy should know he got somebody pg from a ONS/fling as he wasn't being responsible and maybe still isn't, so there is some benefit to him/anybody else he is/gets involved with.

Contraception is not the responsibility of the man. It should be a mutual decision between two adults.

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2016 16:40

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HorridHenryrule · 14/12/2016 16:42

HorridHenry I clearly stated -
I have no idea how this would work in the case of a deceased child

Okay well don't post it if you don't know what you are talking about. I am not trying to have a dig at you but the OP is feeling very low. With statements like that you have to give facts or don't bother. No argument here just thinking about the OP and how she is feeling.

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2016 16:42

GoingMad "... I was worried that in telling him , both then and now ,they'd think that I was after money from them ."

Please, please stop thinking about this aspect of it. There is no way you could be angling for money from them now.

And if they so much as suggested this I would simply ask them never to repeat it and would cut contact with them. Please stop worrying about his parents, concentrate on yourself and on what you decide in relation to this man, please.

Nuanna · 14/12/2016 16:43

Italian My thoughts were with regard to telling him now, when it is potentially more harmful due to the lack of chance to bound / grieve etc., than telling him when it happened. Not because of the premature birth (sadly a natural event). Does that make sense? Is it a possibility?

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