Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

Aibu to bring this up now ? Sensitive

210 replies

GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 13:19

I've name changed to post this , I'm not asking for judgement on how I handled the situation , just what I can do about it now .
In 2012 my husband and I temporarily seperated , I had a drunken one night stand with someone I went to school with when he was home from uni for the weekend and fell pregnant . My husband and I worked things out and got back together , he knew about the baby but he never asked who the father was and I didn't volunteer the info and we agreed that he wouldn't go on the birth certificate but we would just let people assume he was the dad until the child was older .
I didn't want to tell the dad because he came from a well off family and I thought maybe they'd either think I was lying or think I wanted money , he was at uni which was something I never had the chance to do due to teenage pregnancy and getting married at 17. I didn't want to ruin his life .I dont know if he ever knew I was pregnant , he didn't have social media and I didn't have his phone number or address.
I went into labour at 23 weeks and my beautiful girl didn't make it . I thought about contacting the dad then so he could attend the funeral but I didn't know how to contact him and in all honesty it wasn't a priority for me right then . So we had a funeral and she was buried , all of her stuff and scan pics are in a memory box. I've since had another child with my husband and we seperated permanantly last year .
This week , the one night stand added me on social media and I accepted . He seems to be doing quite well and I think he's back in our hometown . Since he added me , all I can think about is whether or not I should tell him , I can't sleep or eat ,my stomach is in knots, I am a mess right now . If I do tell him I don't know how to go about it , I'm worried he won't believe me . I know I've got myself into this situation , I can't explain properly it's like two voices in my head arguing over whether to tell him or not .And if I do , how am I meant to bring this up when I haven't seen or spoken to him since ? Sorry if this doesn't make much sense , I can't really think straight

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2016 20:34

Tinsel who said he owed the OP a reaction?

The idea he would take the news and not communicate with her at all is utterly baffling to me. But he may choose to do just that.

And if he did, that would be 'a reaction' surely. An action in response to another action. So whether he does anything specific towards the OP, or not, he will be reacting to the news IMHO.

Original poster

GoingMad101 · 14/12/2016 20:41

I don't think he owes me a reaction . I don't think he owes me anything

OP posts:

HorridHenryrule · 14/12/2016 20:51

If you want to tell him then tell him it all helps with healing and getting closure with him. I think its good that you are not walking in with expectations. I don't think he would be upset and hurt that you never told him. If anything he would hopefully feel sympathy towards you and what you went through.

ItWentInMyEye · 14/12/2016 21:15

I'd tell him, only because I'd want to know if I was him. sorry for your loss.

SuperRainbows · 14/12/2016 22:34

This is exactly how I feel about this.

Hope you're feeling okay op. I think it was very brave of you to post and I hope you have been helped in making your decision.

TinselTwins · 14/12/2016 22:42

Tinsel who said he owed the OP a reaction?

umm the post I quoted and replied to was about his reactions.. there has been some assumption on some replies on this thread that whichever way he reacts, he will be letting the OP know how he feels about this, and he has no reason to, he'll probably talk it through with people he's close to. So the Op shouldn't be advised to expect any reaction at all. He might tell her what he thinks/feels about it, he might not. But he should definitely not be put on the spot so he has to show her his initial reaction when it comes to choice of delivery of the "news"

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2016 23:17

Tinsel yes, I agree with that.

Wotshudwehave4T · 14/12/2016 23:22

OP I'm so sorry to read about your baby. You sound wrapped in grief and do need to share it with someone in RL. Her father seems a natural choice and possibly in time. This is about you at the moment and he may tunintentionally make you feel worse by suddenly having to absorb and process all of what's happened. As he did not live through it, he will be unable to comprehend and feel your level of loss. Talking to an experienced bereavement councillor about how you are feeling and discussing the possibility of telling him will help you to explore all of the options, potential reactions and crucially they should help you to interpret your turmoil and give you the support and guidance you need.

bebanjo · 15/12/2016 00:18

I have not read all the posts so forgive me if I repeat anything.
Firstly, sorry for your loss.
It sounds to me like you need someone to grieve with you, remember with you and morn with you at this time.
I think you may be if it from contacting a still birth charity. Talking to those who know how you feel.
You need support from someone willing to give it.
I hope you find that support.

IDontLookMyAge76 · 15/12/2016 12:58

Hi GoingMad101

I'm so sorry for your loss and can see how having someone to grieve with would help you through the grieving process.
However, is the ONS a paternal kind of guy? Basically will any F*s be given? Has he made any contact apart from Facebook? cause AFAIK that's not a very meaningful attempt at reestablishing....anything really. However, I understand how something as meaningless as a FB friend request can be very triggering but what's the intent from thier side?

Only cause you've said he's the last connection with her but if he couldn't give AF then that's not going to be helpful to you and other parents who have been through similar experiences or trained counsellors may give you a more meaningful connection?

Like others have said, you've done everything to try and help others with your decisions up until now but you need to think about yourself and how best to grieve for your daughter and maybe telling the ONS about it isn't the best way to go about it just now. I don't think theres a right/wrong time/too late etc, it might just not be the best time until you've dealt with your own feelings.

I 2nd others suggestions to go for grief counselling first before doing anything else.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9