Aibu to bring this up now ? Sensitive

[GoingMad101]

I've name changed to post this , I'm not asking for judgement on how I handled the situation , just what I can do about it now .
In 2012 my husband and I temporarily seperated , I had a drunken one night stand with someone I went to school with when he was home from uni for the weekend and fell pregnant . My husband and I worked things out and got back together , he knew about the baby but he never asked who the father was and I didn't volunteer the info and we agreed that he wouldn't go on the birth certificate but we would just let people assume he was the dad until the child was older .
I didn't want to tell the dad because he came from a well off family and I thought maybe they'd either think I was lying or think I wanted money , he was at uni which was something I never had the chance to do due to teenage pregnancy and getting married at 17. I didn't want to ruin his life .I dont know if he ever knew I was pregnant , he didn't have social media and I didn't have his phone number or address.
I went into labour at 23 weeks and my beautiful girl didn't make it . I thought about contacting the dad then so he could attend the funeral but I didn't know how to contact him and in all honesty it wasn't a priority for me right then . So we had a funeral and she was buried , all of her stuff and scan pics are in a memory box. I've since had another child with my husband and we seperated permanantly last year .
This week , the one night stand added me on social media and I accepted . He seems to be doing quite well and I think he's back in our hometown . Since he added me , all I can think about is whether or not I should tell him , I can't sleep or eat ,my stomach is in knots, I am a mess right now . If I do tell him I don't know how to go about it , I'm worried he won't believe me . I know I've got myself into this situation , I can't explain properly it's like two voices in my head arguing over whether to tell him or not .And if I do , how am I meant to bring this up when I haven't seen or spoken to him since ? Sorry if this doesn't make much sense , I can't really think straight

Telling him now would be cruel. You chose to keep this to yourself at the time, and this would have meant you could continue to reconcile with your husband without any additional complications.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Maybe you could get some counselling to work through your feelings.

his reaction may not be what the OP needs

Sounds like OP isn't looking for anything at all from his reaction - OP? But that she feels guilty / worried about causing him emotional turmoil?

It strikes me that this is all about you, and making you feel better and him feel as bad as you about something you would never have mentioned except that your husband had left you. If you were still married you wouldn't dream of telling him, so is this about making him feel bad just because you do? Different if the child was alive, but a complete head wreck as she is, sadly, not.

No way should you go there.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

I wouldn't tell him if it was me no point. I can understand wanting to share your pain with him. He never knew so there would be no attachment feelings if you know what I mean. He will probably feel sorry for you that you went through that. Is that the reaction you want from him? What do want to gain from telling him?

It is up to you and should do what you think is right. There is no right or wrong answer to this.

Maybe she needs to actually start thinking about other people (ie. the child's father) rather than what is most convenient for her.

Harsh. I disagree entirely - I think most men would want to know the truth. Whether secrets are revealed months, years or decades down the line, little emotional good comes of them.

It sounds like you are very careful about not hurting him in one way or the other and have taken the whole responsibility for the pregnancy then the death of your dd as being your sole responsibility.
It sounds like this is still at the forefront of your mind. The one reason why you are hesitating atm is the fact it might hurt him.

This is a very noble position in some ways but you have to remember that this baby was not your sole responsibility. He was just as responsible as you were for the pregnancy and for the baby.
I am not sure what would be the right thing to do but I do urge you not to see this 'issue' as being solely your issue. As if it has had a great impact on you, your relationship etc... but somehow it should never affect the father at all. The day you had sex with him was the day when he chose to be affected by its consequences iyswim.

As for what is right to do now, what would it mean to you?
Do you think that you would feel relieved to tell him because, actually, that's what you feel you should have done all those years ago?
Are you looking for someone to share the burden (I suspect your ex didn't share that burden as he knew the child want his?)
Do you think that by telling him, the pain you are currently experiencing will be lessen in any shape or form? Or will it get worse because of all the cimplications coming with telling him about your/his dd?

Whosthebest it's not because I am seperated from my husband . If I wanted to tell him when I was still with my husband , he wouldn't have had an issue with it . It's all just feeling more raw now because the father added me on social media and has moved back to our hometown . It just feels more raw now

BTW him going to uni isn't why you didn't tell him, it's how you rationalised you not wanting to tell him.

bacon She's not telling him because she wants to be honest with him though - she's wanting to tell him because she thinks it will make her feel better as she's going through internal conflict currently.

Big difference.

So you didn't tell him when pregnant, was more than happy to pass the baby off as your partners then the baby sadly dies and you want to be all truthful? I think the time for truth has pasted

Yes he might not care.
But there is a huge chance he will care and have more questions than he will get answers. Why didn't you tell him about the baby? Would you ever of told him about the child when she was 5,10,15 ? Why didn't you contact him to attend the funeral?
Beacuse you choose not to tell him about the baby and funeral grieving for that baby could be very difficult for him and I don't see why he should get a head fuck after all this time

I honestly am really sorry to hear about your baby, no women should have to deal with such a thing and I can't imagine how much pain you must feel.

You can say you think most men would want to know bacon and I and many other posters can say most men wouldn't, it's a meaningless proposition.

Tinsel Exactly. Plenty of men become fathers at university.

OP did you find you were pregnant after your and your DP decided to work things out or before? Was it a one night stand because you got back together with DP (that's sort of how I read it).

She's not telling him because...

OP has said she doesn't exactly know why she's thinking about telling him. I think this thread is partly about exploring that. Sorry to talk about you in the 3rd person OP - do correct me if I'm wrong!

Would you be able to handle it if he just thought of your daughter as a miscarriage? Many people simply don't understand or want to understand.

I don't know what the best outcome of telling him would be. Think carefully

Since he added me , all I can think about is whether or not I should tell him , I can't sleep or eat ,my stomach is in knots, I am a mess right now .

She wants to tell him because she is a mess right now? She didn't want to tell him before he added her (and it would have been quite easy to do so in the past as she knows his name, his school, his family, his home town, and probably his university).

If he hadn't added you on social media you wouldn't be in this predicament. Until now this was not something you were contemplating and there is simply no good to be gained by telling him. Block him. Never contact him again

See - I read that as she's in a mess right now because she doesn't know whether to tell him and things have been brought into sharp focus just now by his return.

Not RTFT OP but just initially wanted to say I'm. Sorry for your loss. I've been fortunate enough never to have lost a child but I can imagine the pain never goes away
With regards to the father I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to delete him on social media and block him because otherwise you will keep going backwards and forwards about whether to tell him. You made your decision at the time and you need to stick by it now.
I wonder if your sudden desire to tell him and the physical effect it is having on you is more to do with the fact that you have never fully dealt with your loss? That perhaps by telling him and bringing it all back up you feel it will help you come to terms with it. If that's the case then perhaps speaking to a counsellor would help you?

GoingMad I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby, the breakdown of your marriage and now for this burden which you are carrying.

I will tell you what I think and you can feel free to ignore me if you wish.

Tell him.

I would either write a letter or an email or I would suggest a quick coffee or whatever and set a time.

I would say it in the most blunt and all in one way you can because to go into lots of details will mess with his head a little potentially but the truth is best.

Once he knows the basic facts, then you can go into details.

I say this because a friend once wrote to me to say someone we both knew well had died. She went all round the houses about his illness and it was worse when I got to the end of the letter and he had died!

So I might say, something like, "I am sorry I never told you, but our one night together resulted in my getting pregnant, I did not tell you because I was worried it would spoil your college life and so I kept it secret, My husband and I got back together and then the baby was stillborn.

Then (if you feel this way) I would way I am sorry for not telling you about the pregnancy or death of the baby. It was all very hard and painful and I could not face talking about it all. I was worried I would hurt you/upset you (edit this to whatever you really want to say, but this is how I would say it, just the facts as best you can).

I would let him ask questions and I would offer to show him scan photos or any other things (whatever things you have kept from that time) and tell him where she is buried or her ashes scattered in a crematorium garden I would offer to go there with him if you can bear to do that.

You said "... it's hurting me to keep the secret but I think it's likely to hurt him by telling him . I don't know if it's fair to tell him to try and make me feel better."

You are not telling him to make you feel better, you could tell him as he has a right to know (IMHO) and then, quite aside from his rights to know, you may feel better for getting the truth out in the open.

You have not done anything wrong, I think you have tried to cope with an unplanned situation in the best way you felt able.

I think you did this as you felt it was best for your daughter and then when she died you kept it from him maybe so as not to hurt him, or so as not to hurt your dh.

I think all your actions, as far as I can see, have been to help others.

You must now help yourself and relieve yourself of this massive burden. Better to tell him now than to rock up at his home in 40 years time with this situation.

Please also look for some counselling for yourself as you have been through so much.

YelloDraw your comment is ludicrous.

She may not like his response he was at university so I think having a child was the last thing on his mind. The question he may ask is are you sure it was mine. He must have known you was married. He may dismiss you after you tell him could you handle that.

I think counselling would help you.

HerOtherHalf that is very harsh and not really helpful.

Helpme "Entirely up to you OP but personally I think it's too late to tell him"

When is too late?

I'm so sorry you lost your baby. It must be very painful for you especially at this time of year. I wouldn't tell this man about the baby, there is no possible benefit for either of you in doing so. I'm wondering if deep down there isn't some tiny feeling of resentment that you are the only one feeling this pain. I'm not saying it's a conscious thing or that you actively want this man to be hurt but you described the classic devil on one shoulder/angel on the other offering conflicting advice scenario. It takes two to make a baby and you're suffering her loss while he's getting off Scott Free.

It sometimes can seem very unfair that you should be the only one suffering when others go on living in ignorant bliss and our very human instinct is to redress the balance but please don't, it really won't make you feel your loss any less to have this man share it.

Be kind to yourself OP and maybe consider talking to a grief counsellor about your lost child.

To clear a few things up .The one night stand was weeks before I got back together with my husband . I knew I was pregnant as soon as I missed my first period , my husband knew I was pregnant and that the baby wasn't his . He said he wanted to be with me and it was entirely up to me whether I told the father or not , he didn't mind either way .
I genuinely didn't tell him because I didn't want his mind to be elsewhere when he should have been concentrating at uni . I left high school at 16 because I was pregnant , I always dreamed of going to uni and I have always been upset that I missed that chance . The father was doing a stressful course at a very good university , whether you believe me or not I genuinely didn't want to mess that up for him . The way I saw it was I'd ruined my own education , I didn't want to do that for him . My husband was also never going to take parental responsibility for her , he was never doing to be on the birth certificate , I don't know if I would have told the father about her if I had gone full term because that didn't happen did it .
When she was born , I did think briefly that I should let the father know but I didn't know how to go about it - I had no contact number or address or email address and he wasn't on social media at that time. And quite frankly the two weeks between losing her and the funeral I was far more preoccupied with coming to terms with losing her and all the things they don't tell you about when you lose a baby , I was recovering from labour , I was bleeding and leaking milk and was very hormonal and obviously devastated at losing my baby but I also had a toddler to look after . I'm not trying to justify why I didn't tell him then and I really wish I did . My husband was great helping me but he didn't really get it , she wasn't his . As the months went on and the father was living in a different part of the country and I had no way of contacting him I forgot about him and concentrated on myself , if that makes me selfish so be it .
This is all in the forefront of my mind now because he has just moved back to our hometown and added me on Facebook , it's also coming up to what was my due date with her . I hope that clears some stuff up

OP I hope you do not take some of these very judgmental comments to heart, who knows how any of us would react in such a situation.

You sound like you have through of everyone else and not of yourself.