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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be absolutely furious about my childs 'stepmum' and this...

222 replies

cunderthunting · 11/12/2016 23:39

Namechanged for this as it's been eating me up for a while.

Background: I am a single parent to an 8 year old. His Dad has had the same girlfriend for a few years and my child knows her fairly well. They have a child together now. We generally all get along well, meet for coffee, have friendly handovers.

A week or two ago my son did up the catch on my charm bracelet for me as I can't manage it myself, and casually mentioned that last year for Christmas he had got SM -(I am reluctant to call her that but it's apparently what she tells him to call her) - a charm for her similar bracelet. A heart. With 'Mum' on. I choked back all of my butthurt as I recalled the smelly fucking candle I had got from my own son that year and didn't really know what to say. I've never had anything like that from him, and he's MY SON.

Today he dropped into conversation another expensive gift he is going to get her for Christmas this year and my heart just feels like someone has stabbed it.

Especially as they are apparently perpetually broke and I have lent them (and never seen a penny of) a lot of money this year that I can scarcely afford myself but felt sorry for them when they complained about being short.

I don't really have anyone who can take my boy shopping to buy me lavish gifts (with my own money) but I was thinking of just handing him £50 and begging a friend or my Nan or someone to take him out for an hour just so I have something to open on Christmas Day - as it's just me and him this year and it would be nice to feel special, especially now I know where the goalposts are.

I don't know whether to say something about the Mum pendant and risk spoiling our great dynamic, because we do have a great relationship, or to just swallow it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CauliflowerSqueeze · 11/12/2016 23:42

Swallow it. Be glad that he has a SM he gets on with. You will always be his number one and he doesn't have to win your affection with expensive gifts.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 11/12/2016 23:42

I think YABU, but can understand why you're upset Flowers

You don't know how these items are being paid for-all I'd do is refuse to lend them money in future.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 11/12/2016 23:44

Is he trying to clumsily make her like and accept him? He knows you're here and feels comfortable with you and probably (rightly) takes your unconditional love for granted. I wouldn't let this cause a problem and just keep on being his mum

Northernlurker · 11/12/2016 23:45

It may be that your sons father spends the money 'from the children' and she gets nothing or just a token from him. You don't know and it's not your business. Just swallow it. Much better for your son to have you all being nice to each other.

MakeItRain · 11/12/2016 23:45

I think that a 7 year old buying a charm with "mum" on it for his step mother was probably encouraged to do so by his dad. I'm not surprised you're feeling hurt. Don't take it out on your son though, he's probably just trying to please people. Stop giving any more money to them. Definitely organise a friend to take him shopping. I bet he'd love to buy you a gift Flowers

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 11/12/2016 23:45

Might not be the same but my son bought me a heart shaped mum charm for my bracelet last year from Warren James and it cost about £8 - he wanted to get something out of his own money but couldn't afford a genuine charm. Might have been similar.

Original poster
cunderthunting · 11/12/2016 23:46

He bought her jewellery that says Mum on it! Would you really roll over if that was your kid? I'M his fucking Mum.

OP posts:
mushroomsontoast · 11/12/2016 23:47

If he is 8 years old, the presents are not coming from him, he'll be taken out by his dad to buy them. Don't let it worry you.

I'm a single parent and today took my 8yo and 6yo to a jewellery/crafty shop I like and gave them £20 to buy a Christmas present for me while I waited outside! At least I know it's chosen by them, and they were so proud about it! Could you do something similar with your DS?

LilQueenie · 11/12/2016 23:47

good point about where he gets the money from. I would stop lending it too. If his dads girlfriend is insisting on being called stepmum how does your son feel about it and is she usually so pushy?

HermioneJeanGranger · 11/12/2016 23:47

Surely his dad paid and therefore influenced it, though?

Original poster
cunderthunting · 11/12/2016 23:47

She does the Christmas shopping northernlurker and last year he gleefully informed me she had got him 26 presents...as he counted my 7 under the tree.

OP posts:
JenLindleyShitMom · 11/12/2016 23:47

That would be hard to hear. Definitely. But, don't say anything about what he has bought or will buy her. That's between him and his dad, you don't get to police his relationship with her.

What you can do is don't give them any more money. That's not your responsibility. If they are skint then they just be skint. They aren't entitled to a bail out from you. Stop being that mug.

Also I think it's a lovely idea for your friend/nan to take him shopping for your Xmas present but £50 is a lot of money! Especially if you are skint yourself! But it's up to you, if you think you can afford it.

Original poster
cunderthunting · 11/12/2016 23:48

Yes but why would his Dad sanction something that said bloody Mum on it?

OP posts:
Lucked · 11/12/2016 23:48

An 8 year wouldn't know where to start with lavish gifts. It is all orchestrated by the grown-ups. But yes it is lovely to have someone 'help' your children with gifts.

Does your child have an aunt or godmother, I think they would happily take him shopping for you.

ToastByTheCoast · 11/12/2016 23:48

His dad has probably taken him shopping and maybe prompted him....whereas the smelly candle was more likely his own doing Grin. Present budget probably allocated by his dad too so will have been higher for his own partner than for you. I can imagine how much this hurts, especially the 'mum' thing but I am sure there is much more real affection and meaning in the things your DS gives you.

AverageJosephine · 11/12/2016 23:49

I think he'd be devestated to think he had hurt you. At some point he will likely realise when he's older but if you stay quiet and keep a smile on your face, he'll just think you were super confident and in control.

The gift from him this year is a separate issue. I think it would be nice to give him some money to choose something for you but be careful, 8 yr olds are not known for their decision making ability. He could use some of it to buy for her or spend some of it on himself too so you might still end up with a cheap candle.

He obviously wants her to think he's cool. He doesn't need to buy your affection so doesn't leap to try and please you.

Finally, how did he think of the charm??? It sounds like another adult likely planted the idea....

Original poster
cunderthunting · 11/12/2016 23:50

I haven't even mentioned it to my son by the way. He's oblivious to how hurt I am.

OP posts:
Littlepeople12345 · 11/12/2016 23:50

But he's 8 he wouldn't have had a lot of choice in the 'mum' gift. It was probably a joint gift from him and he's new sibling.

Stop giving them money.

Be happy that your ds has an extra person to love and care for him.

JenLindleyShitMom · 11/12/2016 23:50

Yes but why would his Dad sanction something that said bloody Mum on it?

Because the woman who has sex with him wants it.

Lucked · 11/12/2016 23:51

Could the 'mum' gift have been from both the children with your ds included so he didn't feel left out, which would have been awful.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 11/12/2016 23:51

Calm down. He's a kid. Clearly a very loving one at that. Gifts from my son are nothing compared to the wee moments. And I genuinely mean that. I've had some beautiful and meaningful gifts (bought with my mother's help) but compared to certain moments they mean nothing.

vacati0n · 11/12/2016 23:51

Can imagine it was already bought and your son got told to hand it over , it would bug me though , like you say you are his mum

stressedoutmam · 11/12/2016 23:51

Why are you lending these arseholes money?

LilQueenie · 11/12/2016 23:52

shes sounds like a controlling bitch and he's just a twat after the presents comment.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 11/12/2016 23:52

Lucked very good point.