to be absolutely furious about my childs 'stepmum' and this...

[cunderthunting]

Namechanged for this as it's been eating me up for a while.

Background: I am a single parent to an 8 year old. His Dad has had the same girlfriend for a few years and my child knows her fairly well. They have a child together now. We generally all get along well, meet for coffee, have friendly handovers.

A week or two ago my son did up the catch on my charm bracelet for me as I can't manage it myself, and casually mentioned that last year for Christmas he had got SM -(I am reluctant to call her that but it's apparently what she tells him to call her) - a charm for her similar bracelet. A heart. With 'Mum' on. I choked back all of my butthurt as I recalled the smelly fucking candle I had got from my own son that year and didn't really know what to say. I've never had anything like that from him, and he's MY SON.

Today he dropped into conversation another expensive gift he is going to get her for Christmas this year and my heart just feels like someone has stabbed it.

Especially as they are apparently perpetually broke and I have lent them (and never seen a penny of) a lot of money this year that I can scarcely afford myself but felt sorry for them when they complained about being short.

I don't really have anyone who can take my boy shopping to buy me lavish gifts (with my own money) but I was thinking of just handing him £50 and begging a friend or my Nan or someone to take him out for an hour just so I have something to open on Christmas Day - as it's just me and him this year and it would be nice to feel special, especially now I know where the goalposts are.

I don't know whether to say something about the Mum pendant and risk spoiling our great dynamic, because we do have a great relationship, or to just swallow it.

AIBU?

Just stoppimg you right there icanteven - its her pushing the stepmum thing, and her going on batshit spending sprees. Your fantasy thread was nice, but that's not what any of this is.

I am a single um and would feel exactly the same as you if my 7 yr old bought something like that for her dad's girlfriend. I am surprised at how many people are saying yabu. I totally agree with you. It is hurtful

Hi cunderhunting
I understand why you're so upset. Hugs to you.
I remember desperately buying my SM gifts, but it wasn't because I loved her, or she was special, it was because I wanted her to like me.
I agree with previous posters, take him out shopping and suggest he buys you something whilst you wait outside, so you have something to unwrap.
Try not to let this get you down, let it go. You are his mum.
Take care

I think you've been too reasonable over the years op. These do not sound like nice, considerate people. You can't turn them into nice considerate people with the force of your reasonableness unfortunately. They will never be the people you want them to be. I'd be inclined to take a step back from your relationship with them. No more money lending or friendly coffees. They can't even be sensitive to your feelings as a mother. Be polite, continue to keep quiet about their failings to your ds but no more.

Enjoy your Christmas with your boy.

cunderhunting the thing is you wont stop her doing the shopping spread if that's her style.
Some people are very much into making Christmas a really big thing. Other prefer to keep it simple (or can't do anything else!).

Which is why it is so important to remind your ds about the fact that not erroné does lavish gifts for Christmas, that you can't buy love, it's the intention that counts etc etc

wombletor makes a good point about the fact your ds also probably wants to be sure that his step mum loves him too, esp with a sibling in the mix.

Stop giving him money, he's your ex, let his partner give him it.

This all works both ways though.

I have known if situations where children have 'bought' 'dad' items for the the mums partners or DH.

I assume everyone wold be equally in uproar about that too.

He is 8 years old. How many 8 year old son go jewellery shopping on their own....? [Confused]

It was obviously bought by his dad maybe he was with him. Maybe he wasn't that isn't important. But his dad would have just plainly said to him. This is from you. And perhaps his brother/sister. He didn't chose it. He didn't think about it to get her affection as many suggest. He is 8 years old and probably still struggles to decide what his favourite chocolate bar is! How is he going to think that buying a mum charm bracelet is a good way to win over step mums affection? My 7byear old niece will pick flowers from my garden and say they are a present for me.

Don't over think it. Half of the mum population probably has a charm bracelet and will have a mum charm.
X

And stop the money lending

First thing. Give yourself a huge hug and pat on the back for creating a workable relationship with ex and his partner. You have had to put up with a load if crap BUT you have done the best for your son.

It's a killer when things like this happen with step mum but just ignore. Have a wee cry and pull your emotional socks up. Your mum, he will always come to you first in a crisis.

Step mums probably pushing becuase she is so insecure, they r trying to pretend they have the perfect family and not a blended wonderful family - their loss.

Why don't you have a shopping day together, give him the money, show him a present you would really like and get him to buy it. Then proudly shown it off to all your relatives.

And stop lending them money!

When I was 11 I made a horribly insensitive comment to my cash-strapped single parent mum along the lines that the best present I'd ever had was my bike - bought by my low-life DF.

My DD went through a phase of telling me how much she'd like to have her friends' mums for her mum instead of me.

Kids; OP - try not to think about the charm. hopefully it was horrible and tacky anyway

Firstly you need to stop giving money to your EX, that's one issue.

The second issue is harder. It was clearly from your Ex and has nothing to do with your DS so hard as it is, don't get upset about it. However, and this is important, your DS is clearly really loved by his dad and his dad's partner. That's such a huge blessing for him. You need to be the stronger one here and try your best to smile and accept that they'll do things their way such as giving him 27 presents and that's GOOD, it means that they want him to be part of their family as much as their child is. It's shit for you, that's for sure, but don't ever underestimate how important it is for a child to feel 100% part of both of his families and from what I've read they're doing their best to make that happen.

You are his mum, nothing will change that and he knows that but you must also allow them to treat him as they see right. It's not how you do things, it might not be what you want them to do but it would be a much bigger deal, for him, if they treated him differently.

I've been the child in this situation, the bead thing is a bit stupid but the bottom line is that he's being loved and cherished in both his families, that can only be good and I'm afraid you need to be the bigger person in it otherwise it's going to make his life so much harder as he gets older and feels torn between the 2 of you.

Well yeah Piglet but that's not what this thread is about is it so I'm not sure it helps

Your ex is sanctioning this, he is an ex for a reason. Please do not take it personally. Lend them no more money, they obviously rolling in it to buy such expensive and copious presents.

Oh op this would break my heart
I think you can't say anything though as it would turn into an argument and wouldn't be good for your son. It would have been his dad choosing the charm. No one can replace you as mum.

Op you have the answer right there. Your not going to get those types of presents with those two orchestrating the present buying for your ds. When hes old enough to be earning, then I would expect.

Yes mabey get a close friend to take your ds shopping in your behalf and help him wrap it. Say give him £20

The trouble with being a single parent is that there is noone to prompt and gently teach your children to demonstrate their love to you, consider your feelings and show you empathy

Perfectly put hesterton.

So you their parent have to do it. Kids can be selfish and take their mothers for granted and for me that's fine 95% of the time but there are times when they need to know I am tired and they're putting upon me or treating me selfishly, even without meaning to.

My children's aunt takes them Christmas shopping for me and they get me some lovely things.

I don't believe anyone would be ok with what the OP describes and I am sorry but I would say to my child in a joking way "hey she's not your Mum, I am, where's my charm?" But I know my kids wouldn't feel bad or guilty but would take it on board. I don't believe there's any harm in communicating stuff like that to your kids, how will they learn the nuances of being kind and thoughtful otherwise?

OP do not lend them a single penny more.

OP I think you've handled yourself very well here so far. I can see why that would have been hurtful, even if it is clear your DS knows who his mum is.

I suspect that friends and family have been 'advising' you for a while not to be so conciliatory towards your ex and his partner and finding out they may have been right is a tough thing to take - especially when you have been making an effort to ensure everyone gets along well. I think you've handled the whole situation in a way that makes your DS as comfortable as possible. I would definitely stop the loans though!

Interesting that you go for coffee with and lend money to someone who sent you abusive messages and stole your husband OP. hmm

Granted the lending money thing is a bit much but the rest is damn commendable

OP,

I commented yesterday and didn't read all the new responses.

From what I've read you're basically a saint (well, maybe not a saint, but you're awesome!). You put your son first, stayed calm, think about ways to improve the situation. You're doing great! I think you're in a very difficult situation and you being upset is more than understandable!

The trouble with being a single parent is that there is noone to prompt and gently teach your children to demonstrate their love to you, consider your feelings and show you empathy

Yes. Please do that! You deserve this. Take care. Hugs

*This all works both ways though.

I have known if situations where children have 'bought' 'dad' items for the the mums partners or DH.

I assume everyone wold be equally in uproar about that too.*

Yes. If the father was actively involved and present I would be in uproar!!

I dont think you should tell the 8yo how you feel OP. It's not his fault. He just thinks he's doing a nice thing. You need to have words with your Ex though about it, just if he can see how insensitive it is but if he's anything like mine it wouldn't cross his small mind.

My DCs love my Ex's partner but they've never called her Mum. Or bought her anything with Mum in it. The minute he encourages that I'll be decorating his balls myself. In fact I was most out out when I bought her wine and chocolates from the my DCs last year for Christmas. I had to drop DCs off there recently and saw the very same chocolates still unopened.

Tell Ex you'll be lending him no more money too. He is not your responsibility. Your DS is.

Pretending to be friends with someone who treated you so badly is bound to lead to you resenting them. You can get along fine for your DS's sake without letting them walk all over you. Stop lending them money that they then use for petty things like getting him more presents than you do and buying mum charms on his behalf for his stepmum. If they can afford that then they either don't have genuine financial problems or those problems are a result of their own overspending and financial irresponsibility. Don't bring that up with them though or they'll know they got to you, just say it no longer works for you to lend them money. And I'd cut the coffee dates out personally, up to you but that sounds excruciatingly awkward. No need to be rude, just be very busy. Of course having a good relationship with your ex and his partner for your DS's sake is commendable but that really only needs to involve being polite at pick up and not badmouthing them to him. You don't have to bend over backwards, especially when they're only using your efforts against you.

You sound a very forgiving and generous person (emotionally even if money is tight) and that is by far the most important thing for your son.

I suppose your sons dad gave him the money for this present to the SM and was there when he bought it, so maybe he was happy DS was calling her mum because that's where his loyalty lies now. Insensitive but there you go.

And 8 year olds often don't have that sensitivity needed to show love via gifts but I'm sure he loves you more than his second family despite being a bit dazzled by the Disney family aspect.