to be absolutely furious about my childs 'stepmum' and this...

[cunderthunting]

Namechanged for this as it's been eating me up for a while.

Background: I am a single parent to an 8 year old. His Dad has had the same girlfriend for a few years and my child knows her fairly well. They have a child together now. We generally all get along well, meet for coffee, have friendly handovers.

A week or two ago my son did up the catch on my charm bracelet for me as I can't manage it myself, and casually mentioned that last year for Christmas he had got SM -(I am reluctant to call her that but it's apparently what she tells him to call her) - a charm for her similar bracelet. A heart. With 'Mum' on. I choked back all of my butthurt as I recalled the smelly fucking candle I had got from my own son that year and didn't really know what to say. I've never had anything like that from him, and he's MY SON.

Today he dropped into conversation another expensive gift he is going to get her for Christmas this year and my heart just feels like someone has stabbed it.

Especially as they are apparently perpetually broke and I have lent them (and never seen a penny of) a lot of money this year that I can scarcely afford myself but felt sorry for them when they complained about being short.

I don't really have anyone who can take my boy shopping to buy me lavish gifts (with my own money) but I was thinking of just handing him £50 and begging a friend or my Nan or someone to take him out for an hour just so I have something to open on Christmas Day - as it's just me and him this year and it would be nice to feel special, especially now I know where the goalposts are.

I don't know whether to say something about the Mum pendant and risk spoiling our great dynamic, because we do have a great relationship, or to just swallow it.

AIBU?

katy07 your multiple posts are really patronising to the OP, downright rude in fact.

"I'm not saying the OP is lying but..." is hardly fucking helpful either.
I don't think swearing at me is particularly helpful either. If you'd bothered to read what I'd said you'd have seen that I said that I wasn't saying you were lying (that's the opposite of if I'd said 'the OP is lying'), but that you were going to be biased in what you said, because of the circumstances i.e. even with the best of intentions we weren't necessarily going to get the fully accurate picture just as we wouldn't if your ex was the one posting and so I'd be saying the same there. Everyone is biased because of their own personal circumstances and it influences the way we react to events and subsequently portray them. The only way we could hope to have the full version is if everyone concerned gave their version and even then it would be murky. But my point is that posters are creating stories based on what they read from you've said - it's like Chinese whispers only worse. Which is why I've suggested, more than once, that you have a calm conversation with your ex so he's aware of how you feel and he might have a truthful explanation that is miles better than the one you're currently beating yourself up with. But if you'd rather misread what I post and swear at me then feel free to do that instead. You're the one continuing to suffer, I'm not. I just stopped by to try and help.

katy07 your multiple posts are really patronising to the OP, downright rude in fact.
That's your opinion and you're entitled to it. I disagree. I'm trying to be helpful. I think advice to talk to the ex is better than winding up her emotions by saying what a bitch the step is or what a bastard the ex is. The OP is free to ignore my advice just as she's free to misread what I write.

Katy07 Fair enough that you're trying to be helpful but you're aggressive with it. Your posts - for example - 8.57, 11.23 and 14.15 sound really badgering, disbelieving and speculative.

I have form for that myself sometimes so please don't think I'm picking at you, I was nodding at some of your points made but the OP is really quite upset.

Why are you lending these arseholes money?

^ This ^

Could the 'mum' gift have been from both the children with your ds included so he didn't feel left out, which would have been awful.

^ and this^

Wanted to weigh in that I did exactly this when I was young. And it was because I was so so secure in my mums love. It didn't occur to me that she would be hurt until she one day found a card I wrote to my step mum for Mother's Day and threw it at me almost in tears. I would bet any money he is misguidedly trying to get her to like him.

That said I don't agree with anyone who thinks you're unreasonable to be devastated. I would be totally destroyed and I am like you a very chilled person who doesn't get phased by much.

I'm a long standing step mum and always correct the girls if they call me Mum. I love the bones of them, I treat all the kids the same, but they have a mum and I would feel extremely disrespectful letting them call me Mum.
Same as DS stepmum, she's lovely and there's no issues at all, but she isn't his Mum, I am. My DP has been in DSs life since he was 4, more than half his life, and has been a father in every way (because XH hasn't!) yet is still called by his first name.

I think advice to talk to the ex rather than get emotional / slag off ex etc...
The op has acted admirably irl. Probably with way more restraint than I would have done. But on an anonymous Internet forum I think she is allowed to be as 'butt hurt' and emotional as she wants. I'm not saying folk are giving bad advice, but it's also healthy to have a safe place to let those emotions out, rather than letting them eat you up. Then once you've cried it out (literally or metaphorically) you forgive, let go, and become stronger for it. Or at least that's my experience.

OP I would be really hurt by that too.

Don't take it to heart - it was probably a manipulated situation and your son will not have understood the implication behind it.

But don't lend them money if they are squandering it.

It's probably just easier for him to go along with the mum thing, especially now he has a sibling in common. Try not to read too much into it.

Could be any number of reasons for the mum trinket, maybe your ex and she were having trouble conceiving their baby and your ex was just doing a "oh but look you're sort of a mum already"

I don't think it was intended maliciously on any part if you're all basically friends (despite her sending you horrible messages and luring your H away )

I think what is helpful advice really is a relative term though.. For example if I told my ex that his behaviour had hurt me then he would enjoy that and use it as a weapon to continue to emotionally abuse me, so in my case that wouldn't be helpful. For someone else that conversation might have a really positive outcome for op, her ex, his dp, and their ds, where present giving becomes much better. None of us know!! But if the op feels even a teeny bit better for letting it out, even if she takes nothing more on board than that she is not alone, then that's a good thing. Like I said earlier, merry Christmas op!!

itsmine

The two things happened pretty much within 2 minutes of each other. Sorry not to give a minute by minute account.

YANBU to be upset about it.

It sounds like the other woman has been on the scene since your son was born - is it confusing for him?

The whole situation does sound unusual. It's good that you are amicable, however, going for coffee with someone who stole your husband whilst you were pregnant sounds like a step beyond what most would be willing to do.

It sounds like they are taking the P with their money borrowing. I think you need to separate off a bit.

Honestly, I would go ape shit. Not with DS, not his fault, but the person who enabled him to buy it.

YANBU at all.

You are his mum, end of.

It wouldn't bother me at all.

And yes, I have experience of this kind of thing. You will always be his mum and no charm is going to change a thing. I understand your hurt but I wouldn't feel that way myself.

I'm sorry you are hurting

Selfcleaning he sometimes calls me mum by mistake. And his filter is not the best so it's the kind of thing he'd share with his mum. "Isn't it funny sometimes I call Wally mum too."