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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be absolutely furious about my childs 'stepmum' and this...

222 replies

cunderthunting · 11/12/2016 23:39

Namechanged for this as it's been eating me up for a while.

Background: I am a single parent to an 8 year old. His Dad has had the same girlfriend for a few years and my child knows her fairly well. They have a child together now. We generally all get along well, meet for coffee, have friendly handovers.

A week or two ago my son did up the catch on my charm bracelet for me as I can't manage it myself, and casually mentioned that last year for Christmas he had got SM -(I am reluctant to call her that but it's apparently what she tells him to call her) - a charm for her similar bracelet. A heart. With 'Mum' on. I choked back all of my butthurt as I recalled the smelly fucking candle I had got from my own son that year and didn't really know what to say. I've never had anything like that from him, and he's MY SON.

Today he dropped into conversation another expensive gift he is going to get her for Christmas this year and my heart just feels like someone has stabbed it.

Especially as they are apparently perpetually broke and I have lent them (and never seen a penny of) a lot of money this year that I can scarcely afford myself but felt sorry for them when they complained about being short.

I don't really have anyone who can take my boy shopping to buy me lavish gifts (with my own money) but I was thinking of just handing him £50 and begging a friend or my Nan or someone to take him out for an hour just so I have something to open on Christmas Day - as it's just me and him this year and it would be nice to feel special, especially now I know where the goalposts are.

I don't know whether to say something about the Mum pendant and risk spoiling our great dynamic, because we do have a great relationship, or to just swallow it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LilQueenie · 11/12/2016 23:53

course you could drop in to conversation that it would have been more except you are still waiting on the money back that you loaned them when they were desperate.

expatinscotland · 11/12/2016 23:53

STOP lending them money!

IMissGrannyW · 11/12/2016 23:54

Foxes has it - Is he trying to clumsily make her like and accept him? He knows you're here and feels comfortable with you and probably (rightly) takes your unconditional love for granted. I wouldn't let this cause a problem and just keep on being his mum

I wouldn't assume he thinks of her as his mum. Because YOU'RE his mum - and that will be how he thinks about it. Whether or not he buys anything saying 'mum' for a random won't be hurtful to him, because the fact you're his mum is a given. And if his dad says "she'll think this is nice" then he'll go with it.
I'm really , really sure that his dad suggested the present and paid for it.

And the fact you have a good relationship is fantastic, and the best outcome possible for your DS. Please don't spoil it by feeling jealous. (I mean - do feel jealous by all means, but don't let others know that's how you feel).

I'm sorry you feel so hurt by this. But I am absolutely sure your child didn't mean to hurt you.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 11/12/2016 23:55

My DSS have always bought me cards with 'mum' on. It doesn't mean that they see me as replacing their mum but I am a mother figure in their life. They do the same for their stepdad (despite the fact he didn't want them) because he is in their life and has been for years. I understand why you're hurt though.

You say your ex has a baby with this woman. Could it have been a joint gift from your son and the baby?

LucyBabs · 11/12/2016 23:56

because the woman who has sex with him wants it WTAF Confused

Original poster
cunderthunting · 11/12/2016 23:57

AndNone No the baby didn't exist last year Grin

OP posts:
user1477282676 · 11/12/2016 23:57

Lucy why the Confused face? The statement is true.

MrsBlennerhassett · 11/12/2016 23:57

You are his real mum and always will be. A bracelet charm saying 'mum' on it does not change that. If i were you id just try and get over it because its good that he has a stepmum he gets on with to some extent. Its not really about you or her, what matters most is that your son is happy surely? So i think youve done right by not letting him see it upset you. It wouldnt be healthy for him to think there was some sort of competition or that he had to please either one of you over the other.
It may well be that he put more effort into a gift for her because he doesnt know her as well and is unsure of her so wants to make a good impression. It certainly wont be because he doesnt understand who his real mother is!!!
Id try and phase out lending them money if i were you tho.

MagicMojito · 11/12/2016 23:59

For the sake of a good relationship between you all, id swallow it totally begrudgingly Sad

I can see how it must hurt and to be honest i think your ex sounds like a wanker for doing it to you. Theres 1 mum and thats YOU. But yeah, swallow it for the sake of a healthy atmosphere for your ds. Sorry Wine

JenLindleyShitMom · 12/12/2016 00:00

Lucy why the confused face? The statement is true.

This^^

CorkieD · 12/12/2016 00:01

Your DS is an 8 year-old child.It is good thing he has a good relationship with his stepmum. He is not responsible for the situation he finds himself in.

I detect a lot of anger and resentment in your OP towards your DS. Please, discuss these feelings with a professional.

SpunkyMummy · 12/12/2016 00:02

If he is 8 years old, the presents are not coming from him, he'll be taken out by his dad to buy them. Don't let it worry you.

That's so true. And apparently his girlfriend is doing the Christmas shopping? So she basically bought it for herself?

She does the Christmas shopping northernlurker and last year he gleefully informed me she had got him 26 presents...as he counted my 7 under the tree.

Well, stop lending them money. And/or agree with them on a certain numbers of presents?

SpunkyMummy · 12/12/2016 00:03

This sounds very hurtful.

But if you start things up.,, there can't be a good outcome!!

hesterton · 12/12/2016 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpunkyMummy · 12/12/2016 00:03

*stir

WannaBe · 12/12/2016 00:04

Firstly, I'd imagine that the charm was from both DC, and was likely just a cheap one anyway. Bearing in mind that eight year olds have very little knowledge of such things and what to an eight year old looks like a beautiful (and expensive) piece of jewellery, is likely just a cheap piece of costume jewellery - especially if it already has "mum" inscribed on it.

Secondly, if they are living together, and have a child together, then to all intents and purposes she is his stepmum. And in reality stepmum is just a term anyway, whereas "dad's girlfriend" sounds a lot more as if he values her less iyswim. He's allowed to think of her as a stepmum, and they're allowed to refer to her as a stepmum. There are plenty of people on the step parenting boards who refer to their DSC even though they're not married to the fathers. It's just semantics though and not worth being upset over.

hesterton · 12/12/2016 00:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyKingdomForBrie · 12/12/2016 00:05

Ouch. I would be so upset, I think that's totally natural. I would do and say nothing though, for ds sake.

My dsd's would not have got me anything like this and I made sure to often talk about mummy or ask 'well how does mummy do it' or 'what does mummy think' about hairstyles/outfits etc as I wanted to see it from her POV and do what I'd want if roles were reversed - I think a lot of it is down to the attitude and approach of your ex and his dw, rather than your son thinking of her as a mother.

7SunshineSeven7 · 12/12/2016 00:06

YABU to call her ''step mum'' in airquotes. She's been with your ex for years. Not a couple of months.

UnsuccessfullyAdulting · 12/12/2016 00:09

OP. For my dads 40th, when I was 8, "I" bought him Peter Gabriel LP. He fucking hates Peter Gabriel. Point is, my mum bought it in my name.

very, very unmsnetty words to follow sweets - he has no idea what he's buying. You're his mum, nothing will ever change that. Swallow the poxy bracelet nonsense and rejoice in the fact that he is your boy, and loves you more than anything in the world. Mum bracelet or not, you're his world and that's pretty much all that matters, and have a lovely Christmas.

cunderthunting · 12/12/2016 00:10

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DrinkingCocktailsInTheSunshine · 12/12/2016 00:14

I would be really hurt by this as well but agree about not saying anything to him and to stop giving your ex money. Just remember that your son isn't thinking and planning what to buy your ex's partner, so it isn't really a meaningful/thoughtful or touching present at all.

Definitely give him some money to buy you lots of presents this year and remember that underneath it all, your son loves you and knows he doesn't have to buy your love in return.

UnsuccessfullyAdulting · 12/12/2016 00:15

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ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 12/12/2016 00:19

corkie. Huh? And you are qualified to suggest this because.....?

I'm afraid Jen is bang on the money, and you're going to have to choke it down, BUT (and I seem to be in the minority here), I'd be really, really fucking hurt. I think you just have to take his age into account - if it were an older child, they'd likely be more aware of the hurt they were causing you. He's blurted it out not assuming for a second it would upset you.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/12/2016 00:22

Hats off to you. In your position I would have probably screamed "No that bitch is not your Mum, you're mine, mine" or something.

But you have kept your cool and thought of your boy's feelings first. That's what being a real Mum is all about. He will grow up and realise who was there for him and acting with class and grace.

But really, don't lend those two any more money.