to be absolutely furious about my childs 'stepmum' and this...

[cunderthunting]

Namechanged for this as it's been eating me up for a while.

Background: I am a single parent to an 8 year old. His Dad has had the same girlfriend for a few years and my child knows her fairly well. They have a child together now. We generally all get along well, meet for coffee, have friendly handovers.

A week or two ago my son did up the catch on my charm bracelet for me as I can't manage it myself, and casually mentioned that last year for Christmas he had got SM -(I am reluctant to call her that but it's apparently what she tells him to call her) - a charm for her similar bracelet. A heart. With 'Mum' on. I choked back all of my butthurt as I recalled the smelly fucking candle I had got from my own son that year and didn't really know what to say. I've never had anything like that from him, and he's MY SON.

Today he dropped into conversation another expensive gift he is going to get her for Christmas this year and my heart just feels like someone has stabbed it.

Especially as they are apparently perpetually broke and I have lent them (and never seen a penny of) a lot of money this year that I can scarcely afford myself but felt sorry for them when they complained about being short.

I don't really have anyone who can take my boy shopping to buy me lavish gifts (with my own money) but I was thinking of just handing him £50 and begging a friend or my Nan or someone to take him out for an hour just so I have something to open on Christmas Day - as it's just me and him this year and it would be nice to feel special, especially now I know where the goalposts are.

I don't know whether to say something about the Mum pendant and risk spoiling our great dynamic, because we do have a great relationship, or to just swallow it.

AIBU?

Say nothing to your DS. It's not come from him.

I would, however, coldly and firmly point out to your ex that you do not appreciate silly mindgames over presents. Tell him you especially object to your son being manipulated into buying this Mum charm for his partner with what amounts to your money that you have lent them.
Then refuse to discuss it further.

Oh, and yes, definitely stop lending them money. If that spoils the relationship, then not only was it not worth the name, but it was spoilt through their actions, not yours.

Certainly don't give them any more money.

I can't think of anything you can do beyond reminding the child "She is not your mum", because he's clearly getting very mixed messages from the father. He should be the one drawing the boundaries. That woman is not his mother no matter how many gifts she buys or 'Mum' pendants she buys 'from' another woman's child, the barmy bint.

When I was 10 my parents split up and my younger siblings and I stayed with my mum. She had been in a relationship with my stepdad-to-be for a while and moved him in immediately. I was an academically smart kid and socially skilled but, looking back, it was hugely emotionally confusing and it fucked me up for a bit and made me do some weird stuff.

For a while I refused to see my dad at all because I was annoyed that he'd left us and then when I did for the first few visits I kept calling him my stepdad's name - genuinely by accident- and then getting all upset and apologising. He was quite sensitive and it must have upset him but he always brushed it off as though it was normal to get mixed up and he didn't mind at all. We continued to have a good relationship into my adulthood (past tense because he died several years ago) whereas I get on less well with my stepdad.

8 is still very young, there'll be no agenda from him and I don't think he needs 'a talk' about it hurting you. Navigating two households can be complex enough as it is, don't make him self-conscious and uncomfortable.

My immediate thought is that his dad actually bought and paid for them (and likely suggested it) and your son was just told "aren't you lovely buying this" He will have mentioned it entirely because he is 8 and has zero clue of how it will upset you. He probably thinks you will think he is being kind and lovely as that's likely what dad told him
He is for doing it.

Also please don't have a chat with your 8 year old about how you have feelings it's a hard time for him also and the poor kid it's not an adult and does not have a forum to vent, if you want to maybe talk to him about how's he's finding family life it might give you clearer insight into what's going on

I'm not surprised that you're upset OP, I would be too, I wouldn't be able to help the way I felt but you've had good advice on this thread and reinforcement that this isn't your son's method of gift giving, it's more your ex's and his partner's.

I'm absolutely baffled that you, as a single parent who should be receiving maintenance from your ex, are lending this pair money. Why are you doing that exactly? It doesn't say much for them that they accept it but why, why, why would you give it to them in the first place?

Your son is young - do as suggested in the thread, take your son shopping, direct him a little and wait outside the shop for him. He will be chuffed to beans at having got you something lovely. The look on his face will be priceless to you.

Yes but why would his Dad sanction something that said bloody Mum on it?

Im guessing his dad is a twat who only cares about looking good in front of current girlfriend and gives no shits about you, hence ex.

First of all, it's safe to say that the father paid for and chose the gift.

Secondly, imagine another AIBU:

I've been with DP for a couple of years and everything is great. Not engaged or anything but we have a lovely new baby.

He has a son from his marriage and gets on all right with his ex. She lends DP money a lot, and I wish he didn't get into positions where he needs to take it (he never pays it back - that's a whole thread in itself) but last year DP's son "gave" me a really expensive charm that said "Mum" and I was really uncomfortable about it. I'm not his Mum! Nor do we have £££ to spend on stuff like this, esp when he probably borrowed the £ from his ex in the first place. I hope she never find out about the charm.

He's pushing his son to call me Stepmum which is weird and a bit Cinderella, but he hasn't asked me to marry him or anything, so I'm really NOT this (perfectly sweet) child's Stepmum. We get him millions of presents every year so he doesn't feel left out.

How do I stop him (DP) pulling this expensive and embarrassing stunt with the "mum" stuff again this year?

So as not to drip feed: DP owes his ex a considerable amount of £ right now.

Also don't ever lend them money again. It's not your problem.

I can see that must hurt, but it really was not from your son to her, it was from your ex to his GF, dressed up as from your son!

Do try to get a friend to take your DS shopping for a present for you though. That is what I did as a single parent and am currently wearing the Mum ring my DD (age 9) bought me. DD is now 21 and good at present buying herself. Because of my friend, she knows her mum loves gifts with a bit of sentiment behind them!

He's eight, he didn't go shopping on his own, so don't blame him. I very much doubt she took him shopping for her own Xmas gift, and then chose her own gift, so nothing to be angry with her about either,

It's clearly uour ex who is behind it. I understand it's galling but if you wish to tell someone it's not ok and that you're furious, then it needs to be the one who is guilty and it's obviously uour ex. Being angry and blaming her is misplaced, it's your ex who is the culprit here.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be hurt btw but just try and focus on who the asshole
Is here and it's not the gorgeous boy sleeping beside you.

I would be really hurt. It is possible he bought the "mum" present for you and candle for her and they got mixed up. Or it was chosen by your ex. Either way your son doesn't know that it is hurtful to you. It sounds like you're handling a less than ideal situation better than I could! And with grace and dignity.

To be fair I don't even understand referring to someone as a stepmum when a child already has a mum. No need imo and I would be very uncomfortable to be referred to as stepmum. What's wrong with just using their name? But hey I probably just need to speak to a professional

This hasn't come from your son, it has come from your twatty ex and his GF.

Do not lend them money. Do not go for coffee. Be plesent and reasonable, that is all.

I wouldn't mind a partner of an ex being referred to as an stepmum. That's what they are. Just don't make your kids feel uncomfortable in an already difficult situation. Let them call their step parent what they want. Your child's ability to feel comfortable is more important than your ego.

Why not just have a calm conversation with the ex? Everyone is blaming him or the stepmother when actually you have no clue what happened. Maybe ex asked DS what he wanted to buy stepmum and he remembered that his mum has a charm bracelet that she likes, and as stepmum also has one (and quite a few people do - I'm sure they're not all copying OP) he figured a charm would be a good idea. He's standing there, spoilt for choice, pressed to make a decision, sees one that says Mum, figures it's close enough to Stepmum which doesn't exist in that range, and opts to buy that. Ex says 'Are you sure?' not being too sure himself, DS wants to go buy ice cream not dull presents so says yes, present bought. When present is given Stepmum feels awkward but accepts with a smile. Ex feels awkward but is glad that DS is happy. Both hope OP doesn't find out because know she'll be unhappy - Stepmum vows never to wear bracelet in her company. DS is happy because his present went down well & he's got 27 pound shop presents to open - not as good as the 7 monster presents from his mum but hey, a present is a present. Everyone is happy, until DS opens his mouth.
So you see - another perfectly plausible explanation where no-one is the villain and everyone has been trying to do the right thing. But I guess it doesn't fit nicely into the evil ex / wicked stepmother picture does it?

And this is what I meant in another thread about dumping the husband because of a toilet seat being left up! Most (not all) people are enjoying blaming the ex & the stepmum and not giving thought to alternatives that might be more reasonable and more helpful to the OP. Talk to your ex OP - calmly. Explain how you feel without blaming anyone. Maybe, just maybe he'll actually be a decent man who encourages your DP to 'buy something really special for mum this year so she knows how great she is'. But he won't know if you don't communicate.

I agree with katy07

headinhands was that directed at me? My son doesn't have any "step-parents" but I do and neither of them would have dreamed of getting me to call them stepmum or dad when I was younger. To be fair I only know of maybe 4 people who refer to their parents partners as step anything so maybe it just isn't as common here or something. I don't think it's about anyone's ego

I think there are two issues there

-one is the money, the fact they are strapped for cash and you are giving/lending some to them but somehow they can still manage lavish gifts and to give lots and lots of stuff to your ds.

• the other is about him giving his dsm a very expensive gift. Now at age 8yo, I'm pretty sure that he didn't buy said gift with his own pocket money. Nor did he have the idea of a charm to give to her. These are ideas probably proposed by your ex, his dad, to give to his DP (gf doesn't seem to do her justice TBH if they have a child together). Like any father would do with their child to give to their partner/mum/and yes step mum. So please remember this is not something your ds CHOOSE to do for his step mum, nor is it a reflection of his love to you/her or that he loves/cares more about her than you.

The bottom line is to stop lending them money and enrol someonr to take your ds to the shop to buy you a gift for Christmas. Not the least because it is important that he learns to treat you the same way than anyone else. It's Christmas, he will give something to all his family members, you incl.

As for the number of presents, I think it's time to teach your ds that love can't be bought and that the number of presents do not say ANYTHING about how much someone loves you. What is important is the intention!

Oh and please, do NOT lend them any money again!!

I highly doubt your ds us paying for these expensive items, his dad has probably orchestrated it, I would not take it personally, unless he is old enough to buy and pay for the things himself.

katy I think this is a good idea only if the OP is also encouraging her ds to buy something for his dad.
And then you would have to ask why he is not buying something for his step mum.

If i was at the place of the ex, I'm not sure I would be happy to be told to go and do some Christmas shopping with him for my ex TBH.
I would have thought the issue with the present is one that the OP needs to sort out with other family members (just like she would have probably expected a partner to do with her own ds?)

I am interested by the fact that the OP's ds mentions things he has bought for his step mum but not for his dad.
Which means that I suspect his dad is pushing the issue quite a bit to make a point that his step mum is an important part of the family. There might also be some tension (that the OP doesn't know about) about her feeling left out, esp if they do spend time together (the OP and the ex) etc... After all, the step mum is clearly trying hard to have a relationship with the ds, things are going smoothly, which means the step mum is making a lot of effort.

We don't know the background here. We don't know that the dad is buying this present because "the woman he's having sex with wants it

Would a dad intentionally purchase (what with 8yo's not really tending to take themselves off to the shops) something her knew his girlfriend wouldnt want?

Do you know the stepmum personally then?

Without exception every single one of the step mums within my friendship groups (and it's lots) every single one, would have spent time sensitively discouraging stuff like this, I don't mean on reciept of the gift to the child but I do mean tactful 'your mummy is your mummy and I'm just sock, I do love you lots' type of a thing if the term mum was used,there is no way any of their husbands could have failed to notice that a lord it up and rub it in your ex's face gift would ever be the right move to make.

It is what normal adults who are not attempting to alienate or erase another parent do if the other parent is active in the childs life.