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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be absolutely furious about my childs 'stepmum' and this...

222 replies

cunderthunting · 11/12/2016 23:39

Namechanged for this as it's been eating me up for a while.

Background: I am a single parent to an 8 year old. His Dad has had the same girlfriend for a few years and my child knows her fairly well. They have a child together now. We generally all get along well, meet for coffee, have friendly handovers.

A week or two ago my son did up the catch on my charm bracelet for me as I can't manage it myself, and casually mentioned that last year for Christmas he had got SM -(I am reluctant to call her that but it's apparently what she tells him to call her) - a charm for her similar bracelet. A heart. With 'Mum' on. I choked back all of my butthurt as I recalled the smelly fucking candle I had got from my own son that year and didn't really know what to say. I've never had anything like that from him, and he's MY SON.

Today he dropped into conversation another expensive gift he is going to get her for Christmas this year and my heart just feels like someone has stabbed it.

Especially as they are apparently perpetually broke and I have lent them (and never seen a penny of) a lot of money this year that I can scarcely afford myself but felt sorry for them when they complained about being short.

I don't really have anyone who can take my boy shopping to buy me lavish gifts (with my own money) but I was thinking of just handing him £50 and begging a friend or my Nan or someone to take him out for an hour just so I have something to open on Christmas Day - as it's just me and him this year and it would be nice to feel special, especially now I know where the goalposts are.

I don't know whether to say something about the Mum pendant and risk spoiling our great dynamic, because we do have a great relationship, or to just swallow it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Catapa · 12/12/2016 10:48

Seconded!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 12/12/2016 10:51

wow this made me wince for you OP! maybe its wake up call

Its great that your son has them
and they aint your friend, and they are NOT skint if they are dopping £50 on a bloody Pandora charm

so no more money, keep an emotional distance in 2017 and your boy LOVES YOU

This is really morbid, but I know alot of us , esp single parents worry about what would happen to out kids if the worst happens. At least you don't have this worry, as the clearly love him- small consolation but an important one!

Allalonenow · 12/12/2016 11:00

Never lend them money again!

Katy07 · 12/12/2016 11:23

they are NOT skint if they are dopping £50 on a bloody Pandora charm
Where did we establish that it was a £50 Pandora charm? It could have been a bit of crap from a pound shop. Someone rightly said earlier that to a child all jewellery is expensive (or words to that effect).
And all this fuss about piles of presents - we do NOT know how much they cost. Maybe because they were skint they went for 27 little cheap presents so he'd have stuff to open, knowing that he'd get better presents from the OP?
So much ex / step-bashing. And so little focus on rational conversation with the ex to actually establish some facts instead of building resentment for what might be bugger all. It's absolutely crackers. Confused

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 12/12/2016 12:00

Where did we establish that it was a £50 Pandora charm?

Blush and fair comment

still think Op needs some distance and not money lending through!

Aeroflotgirl · 12/12/2016 13:04

Just looked on the Pandora website, charms vary anywhere between £35-£350. So lets say, the charm was the cheap end. Op please don't take it personally, its not your ds that is choosing and buying these gifts for his stepmum, but his dad has a big hand in it. I would lend them no more money, and give say £20 to a good friend to take your ds shopping to buy something for you and to help wrap it. I get that this is the norm as a single parent without a current partner. Or could you ask your parents to take your ds shopping and give them some money.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/12/2016 13:19

Just looked on the Pandora website, charms vary anywhere between £35-£350.

No where has the OP said it is a Pandora Charm!

HarryPottersMagicWand · 12/12/2016 13:28

YANBU. I find it hard to believe that many people would be happy with their child buying their dads GF a mum charm. I'd hit the roof. He has a mum, you.

I'd say something to them about how it isn't appropriate and how it's confusing for your child and I'd have a quiet word with my child as well. She is using your son to get at you. She told you the sort of person she was when she sent abusive messages to a pregnant woman then (presumably) became the OW.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/12/2016 13:35

Its not the price of the charm, could be £5 for all we know, but it had mum on, which is what is probably hurting op.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/12/2016 13:39

She is using your son to get at you

Did she pay for and buy the charm?

Aeroflotgirl · 12/12/2016 13:44

It seems that op ds was probably heavily influenced by his dad regarding the gift, that is quite obvious from reading ops posts.

Katy07 · 12/12/2016 14:15

It seems that op ds was probably heavily influenced by his dad regarding the gift, that is quite obvious from reading ops posts.
You're assuming that the OP is providing a full and frank & unbiased view. I'm not saying they're lying but in that position it's reasonable to assume that unconscious bias at least is going to be present. Besides, there's also been comments that he's being influenced by his stepmum (and she is his stepmum much more than just a gf) - which is it? Ex or Stepmum? (Or neither?!!!!!)
All the OP needs to do is stop speculating and talk calmly to the ex. And she can do that - they've had coffees and pleasant handovers. All this ranting against exhusbands & stepmums is just projecting. It doesn't help the OP. Obtaining facts could change her view completely.
Hell, for all we know the DS went out and spent £350 of all his saved up pocket money on a charm and deliberately put Mum on it because he knew he could really piss his real mum off and actually he's a little psycho-in-training! If we all took that view would we be helping the OP? No, so why not skip all the other "helpful" factual accounts theories and stop adding fuel to an imaginary fire.

Original poster
cunderthunting · 12/12/2016 14:18

Okay i'll answer some Qs.

  1. It was a Pandora charm, he pointed out the shop to me. We were walking past it which is what I think prompted the conversation. He also saves his pocket money to contribute towards Christmas shopping, at both of our houses, and is thoughtful and participatory about gifts.
  1. I don't 'pretend' to be friends, I have TRIED MY DAMNDEST to be friends. There is a sodding difference.
  1. The '27 presents' included a day to Legoland and a tablet computer.
  1. The baby wasn't here last year, so it was not a joint present from the two of them. It was just from my son.
OP posts:
Original poster
cunderthunting · 12/12/2016 14:20

Katy07

"I'm not saying the OP is lying but..." is hardly fucking helpful either.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 12/12/2016 14:36

Op I would not take it personally, and assume dad had a big influence in the present, he sounds the type who would do this. Bit a Disney dad tbh.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/12/2016 14:39

Taking op at what she said, they sound like they are portraying themselves to ds as Disney parents. Mabey you should ask nan to take ds out and buy you something nice from him, to show him, that you are his mum and you matter as well. He is only 8 and probably heavily influenced by his dad, brainwashed a bit.

Notsure1234 · 12/12/2016 14:48

I completely understand where you're coming from op.

If this has been going on since you were pregnant do you think she possibly sees your ds as what was meant to be 'hers'? If that makes sense?

JorahsMissus · 12/12/2016 15:14

Oh I would be livid, not at DS at all, but at Dad and step-mum. I would have to send a txt asking who's idea it was for DS to give stepmum a 'Mum' charm last year and that you knew nothing about it til now and that you are offended as it is massively overstepping the mark and you appreciate the great family dynamic that you all have worked hard at but that this is not acceptable.

I would be so hurt about this too OP. Kids can be really sweet at times but also hurt the people closest to them without thinking. I took my 10 and 14 yr olds to town recently and gave them money to buy xmas gifts with, expecting them to buy to each other and their sister and maybe myself and their Dad. Both of them bought to their Dad and sister, not a single thing for me. little shits

Crowdblundering · 12/12/2016 15:17

ARGH just roll over and take it. You are on a hiding to nothing here.

My son "buys" his step mum Mother's Day cards etc (and nothing was organised for me!).

Last year for Mother's Day all three kids made a roast dinner for me - that's the stuff that matters not the actual "stuff".

I always make sure my step kids mum gets made a fuss of on Mother's Day - she's the one doing most of the work!

I am my children's mother, no card or gift can take that from me.

UnoriginalNN · 12/12/2016 15:27

OP I am sorry Flowers I would feel the same as you.

You've handled it all really well so far. I would just, as pps have said, not lend those fuckers anymore money and keep walking on the high road.

She sounds like a horrible person. It's not that I'm vengeful but I would never forget if someone treated me the way she treated you (abusive txts when pregnant).

Damselindestress · 12/12/2016 15:41

cunderthunting I didn't mean to offend you with the pretending to be friends comment, it's just that she was abusive towards you and you don't seem to like her (understandably) so I didn't think it was a genuine friendship. Surely a friendship is normally based on liking each other? All I was saying is she is not acting like a friend and YWNBU to take a step back from the friendship and just be civil as it sounds like lending them money etc is just causing you further stress. Sorry I phrased it wrong.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 12/12/2016 15:42

Op, I would be horribly hurt in your shoes. I'm not sure that saying anything would help though, in fact they may even enjoy knowing they have upset you (obviously I don't know your ex or his dp, but I know my ex would). I would find a way for your ds to buy you a present though. That's what I've had to do. Ds1 is 14 now so is quite good at doing so, but I did have to explain to him how nice it is for mums to receive a thoughtful gift (emphasising not expensive, that cheap or home made is fine). Even my therapist said it was healthy for all of us for the kids to realise that, so I'm not going to feel guilty for it. Op I'd like to wish you and your ds a very merry Christmas. x

Aeroflotgirl · 12/12/2016 15:46

crowd not everyone has the hide of a rhino, and op is understandbly hurt. They are certainly trying to outdo you, 27 presents! and dad helping ds to buy nice presents for his stepmum, whilst you get a rubbish candle. Lend no more money. I don't think mentioning it to ex will help, mabey give some money to your nan or friend to take ds shopping for something nice from you. Kids learn from this kind of thing.

Crowdblundering · 12/12/2016 15:48

I didn't say it doesn't bloody hurt but getting in a stew about it was doing me no good at all so I decided to stop letting it bother me - thus taking the power back.

JellyBelli · 12/12/2016 15:58

I get where you're coming from OP. It sounds like they are trying to buy your sons affection, the crowing over the number of gifts is disturbing.
Don't lend them any more money, they are not your friends so keep an emotional distance as far as you can.

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