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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be absolutely furious about my childs 'stepmum' and this...

222 replies

cunderthunting · 11/12/2016 23:39

Namechanged for this as it's been eating me up for a while.

Background: I am a single parent to an 8 year old. His Dad has had the same girlfriend for a few years and my child knows her fairly well. They have a child together now. We generally all get along well, meet for coffee, have friendly handovers.

A week or two ago my son did up the catch on my charm bracelet for me as I can't manage it myself, and casually mentioned that last year for Christmas he had got SM -(I am reluctant to call her that but it's apparently what she tells him to call her) - a charm for her similar bracelet. A heart. With 'Mum' on. I choked back all of my butthurt as I recalled the smelly fucking candle I had got from my own son that year and didn't really know what to say. I've never had anything like that from him, and he's MY SON.

Today he dropped into conversation another expensive gift he is going to get her for Christmas this year and my heart just feels like someone has stabbed it.

Especially as they are apparently perpetually broke and I have lent them (and never seen a penny of) a lot of money this year that I can scarcely afford myself but felt sorry for them when they complained about being short.

I don't really have anyone who can take my boy shopping to buy me lavish gifts (with my own money) but I was thinking of just handing him £50 and begging a friend or my Nan or someone to take him out for an hour just so I have something to open on Christmas Day - as it's just me and him this year and it would be nice to feel special, especially now I know where the goalposts are.

I don't know whether to say something about the Mum pendant and risk spoiling our great dynamic, because we do have a great relationship, or to just swallow it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BumDNC · 12/12/2016 01:40

My kids have a step mum I feel confident that bits of jewellery will not actually make that a reality come true in anyone's mind. I can see why it's hurtful but this is compounded by you lending them money in the past and this silly sounding girl probably enjoying knowing you got a candle and she got all manner of gifts (and gave DS 78 more presents) but what you have is the knowledge that none of this makes her his mum, nor does it indicate them being better parents. My dad could buy me a house in Florida - he would still be a crappy dad. Even when I was 8 I knew that. Letting go of the resentment is for your own good and you have to do it. My sister takes my kids out for my present otherwise I too would get fuck all every year but fundamentally the kids kind of get stuck in the middle. 8yo don't have their own money or go shopping by themselves so he's clearly had ++ adult support in this present buying. If he was 18 and being insensitive then maybe say something but he is only 8, and he doesn't deserve to spend xmas feeling like crap that he made bad choices or anything like that.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 12/12/2016 01:41

Why is this the SMs fault? She might not have asked for it. Your ex probably bought it and told your DS to give it her. Your DS may have even been telling you this because deep down it makes him uncomfortable and he wanted to tell his actual mum...

Also, to the PP who said the SM sounds like a controlling bitch...where are you getting that from?

Beeziekn33ze · 12/12/2016 01:48

She might have specifically asked for the charm though I doubt it. She's got your ex, she's got a similar bracelet, is she trying to be you?
Shocked that she sent you offensive emails when she was just a girl who fancied your husband. She's got the attitudes of a silly teenager.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 12/12/2016 01:58

Interesting that you go for coffee with and lend money to someone who sent you abusive messages and stole your husband OP. Hmm

lizzieoak · 12/12/2016 02:07

Just to say ... absolutely have a friend or your Nan take the wee boy out to buy you a pressie. So that you have something to open, but also so that ds can see you opening something and he can share in your happiness and both enjoy giving you something and see that receiving should also involve giving.

I've been divorced for years and was lucky to have a friend who'd take my kids out to buy a small something. Since my kids are older they do it themselves now. It's good for you and for ds!

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 12/12/2016 02:11

I really feel for you. I'd be devastated and very very angry

TheStoic · 12/12/2016 02:15

There is no way in hell I would give, or allow my kids to give, my partner a present with the word Dad on it. Not just because it's incredibly disrespectful to their ACTUAL dad, he would think I'd lost my mind.

It's solely the fault of your son's father and his girlfriend. It's a ridiculous thing for them to do, and therefore there is NO point discussing this with them. Anyone who thinks that is OK can almost certainly not be reasoned with.

Back off from them. Build a wall. You can be civil, but that's it. These people are not your friends.

Wallywobbles · 12/12/2016 02:16

I've been trying to explain to my 8 yo DSS that calling me mum would be hurtful to his mum. He definitely doesn't think of me as his mum. Despite living with me 50/50 he barely thinks of me at all. I'm very much something of his Dads and not much to do with him.

But he definitely doesn't understand why it would be hurtful either. He over shares this stuff with his mum because when he does he has 110% of her attention which feels good to him.

I hope that helps. Don't be angry with her if you can avoid it. Being a SM is pretty thankless in general and it sounds like you have been a really great mum to not make it harder for her.

SandyFeet177 · 12/12/2016 03:16

The "mum" part would sting more than the price of the present, it's easy to answer questions on here with your head, but when your own heart is involved, it's a different story.

SelfCleaningVagina · 12/12/2016 03:53

Wally why are you having to explain that to him though? Has he said he wants to call you mum? I just can't imagine any child who already has a loving mum who he lives with asking that or wanting to do it.

Oblomov16 · 12/12/2016 04:46

I get the upset with the charm. But deep it your heart OP, you know he's YOUR Ds, and no one can take that away from you. right?

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/12/2016 04:52

Op that sounds shit. I'm so sorry for you. All of it.

Just to give you a comparison. My dd is also 8 and she's a bright kid. I screenshot the stuff I wanted from the m&s website on my iPad. Dd and I had seen it all in the shop earlier that day. Just some m&s smellies (including a candle Grin). I emailed the screenshots to dh. Yet dd was convinced that daddy had gone onto the website, and just happened to pick out the exact same stuff. I was really surprised she didn't twig when she found the photos on my iPad I'd forgotten to delete. She actually grabbed it away so I didn't see. Bless.

So what I'm saying is your ds will probably not have thought much about the present. It will have been completely managed by the adult. He is being forced to call her mum. That's manipulative and controlling. This should never come from the adult but the child.

As his mum I'd probably talk about how wonderful the time was when he was just born and you got to see him for the very first time. The magic. How wrinkly and special he was. The enormous love you felt when you first lay eyes on him. How this love for him grew so much and your heart could burst with how much love you feel for him. No amount of calling her mum can ever take any of this magic away from you if you don't let it.

I'm a bit on the fence with the stepmum card and present. At first glance, it sounds like a great idea. However it's potentially going to make your ds even more of a pawn. If she hits the roof because of it, this will do nothing for your relationship with your ds. And your relationship with him is the only thing you can control.

When you've calmed down, you may just want to revisit the present giving if you are concerned he instigated the buying. As this would not be normal and of potential concern. I was manipulated and controlled by my mother. At your ds's age and younger, I was actively looking for presents to buy my mother with my pocket money to show her my love and appease her. It's not normal for a child to be doing this. One time I bought a crystal fruit bowl I saw in the shop we were parked beside. It was probably a couple of months worth of pocket money. I never gave the presents for my dad a thought.

Sulis87 · 12/12/2016 04:56

I think it is more than likely that DS mentioned the present because he feels uncomfortable about it.

MidniteScribbler · 12/12/2016 05:01

Your DS is going to be guided by his father and his partner when it comes to present buying right now. There's no way an eight year old decided to get the partner of his father a charm saying mum.

But as for your own present, then manage it yourself. I know it sucks, because I'm in the same situation with no one to buy me gifts. So I took 4 year old DS into the Swarovski store, explained to the staff member what I was doing, picked out four items I liked, then went and stood outside while he decided which one he wanted to get me. The staff member wrapped it up and I came back inside and paid. I still get something I know I will like, but it's also still going to be a surprise for me on the day, and DS thinks he's pretty clever and grown up. Sometimes, you just need to look after yourself and not rely on others.

sansoucitherednosedcariboo · 12/12/2016 05:32

FWIW, I'd be furious. You're an amazing mum to keep your anger from your ds! I don't know if I could do that. Seriously impressed!

NiceFalafels · 12/12/2016 05:40

Maybe his dad or step mum instigated the 'mum' jewellery buying? Possibly even the dad bought it and your son gave it to his step mum? Maybe they are skint because they splash out on materialistic crap?

It's great him and his step mum have such a good relationship (if the do?).

If you really can't get past this, yes tell a friend. Give them a few days to think about what to get. Pointless them rushing into town and buying any old crap thoughtlessly because they haven't had time to mull it over.

Also Mention to your son in passing that you felt a bit sad because you won't have anything (apart from nana gift) under the xmas tree. Tell him that you've asked a friend to take him out to buy a gift in a few days time and can he put his thinking cap on about what to get.

However you are an adult and all these things are just commercial materialistic crap. A card with a special message or drawing should be enough but people seem to give more weight to tacky gifts.

NiceFalafels · 12/12/2016 05:44

Or take him out yourself and buy yourself a gift from him and you. Tell him you won't have anything under the tree. Give him notice and ask him to think about what he would like to buy.

RubyRoseViolet · 12/12/2016 05:55

I guess the only real option is for you to take it up with her and possibly your ex. Certainly the lending of money needs to stop, I'd hate that too. I'm the first to help out if someone's in need but I hate being taken advantage of. I agree the mum charm is overstepping a boundary and I would say something about it if I were you. Mind you my brothers ex had their kids call her partner "dad" from early on regardless of how my brother felt about it.....hurtful I agree.

Summerisdone · 12/12/2016 06:05

I'm completely with you OP and do not believe you are being unreasonable at all. If my ex was with a new person then I would make the effort to get on with them and would hope to have a good relationship for both the sake of my DS and also myself as it just makes life easier to get along.
No matter how good the relationship was though I would not be able to handle the knowledge of a 'mum' gift being given to her from DS. TBH I find it extremely inconsiderate and tasteless of your ex for encouraging the gift (either directly or just by buying it) and of his partner for accepting it.

PlumsGalore · 12/12/2016 06:11

Thus would hurt me terribly too, but in view of the fact the OP said the wicked stepmother does all the shopping I think she chose and bought the candle and she chose and bought the charm. She also made a point of telling DS how many presents he had.

Please OP IGNORE, when your little boy isn't little anymore he will realise what she is like on us own and maybe when he is grown up you can talk about it.

She is onviously still deeply jealous of you and what you have.

malificent7 · 12/12/2016 06:17

I woild be annoyed with your ex tbh for encouraging this 'mum' stuff. Good relationship... yes. Mum... no.

Gran22 · 12/12/2016 06:20

What imbroglio said. Buy Ex and DSM a Christmas card to 'Dad and his partner' or 'Dad & Stepmum' for your DS to give them. Stop lending them money. As your child's mum, you don't need a cheap charm to remind you that you're no1 in his life 💜.

Underthemoonlight · 12/12/2016 06:26

The charm thing is his dad, I have DS who's 8 with my ex he never buys me presents off ds. TBH I don't need presents off my DC. I will say stop lending them money ar you even gettiing maintenance btw I do understand how hurt you are over the present but she will never replace you

SVJAA · 12/12/2016 06:39

I think that was down to his Dad, and a really shitty thing to do. I love DS SM, she's lovely and has always said she'll take care of him as if he's her own, but he isn't, I'm his mum.

I wouldn't risk an argument, but I fully understand why that hurt so much, and completely get why you're so hurt and angry.

mathanxiety · 12/12/2016 06:43

YYY to Binkies and The Stoic.
I would have been incensed.

How about you take DS somewhere nice for a day if you have time off - somewhere you both might enjoy, and he can hand over the money for cake and lemonade (or whatever) for you both? That way the two of you get to spend a lovely time together and he can treat you. Take photos. Get them printed and put them in the kitchen. Caption them 'Mum and Me'..

And do not loan these horrible people any more money.