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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be absolutely furious about my childs 'stepmum' and this...

222 replies

cunderthunting · 11/12/2016 23:39

Namechanged for this as it's been eating me up for a while.

Background: I am a single parent to an 8 year old. His Dad has had the same girlfriend for a few years and my child knows her fairly well. They have a child together now. We generally all get along well, meet for coffee, have friendly handovers.

A week or two ago my son did up the catch on my charm bracelet for me as I can't manage it myself, and casually mentioned that last year for Christmas he had got SM -(I am reluctant to call her that but it's apparently what she tells him to call her) - a charm for her similar bracelet. A heart. With 'Mum' on. I choked back all of my butthurt as I recalled the smelly fucking candle I had got from my own son that year and didn't really know what to say. I've never had anything like that from him, and he's MY SON.

Today he dropped into conversation another expensive gift he is going to get her for Christmas this year and my heart just feels like someone has stabbed it.

Especially as they are apparently perpetually broke and I have lent them (and never seen a penny of) a lot of money this year that I can scarcely afford myself but felt sorry for them when they complained about being short.

I don't really have anyone who can take my boy shopping to buy me lavish gifts (with my own money) but I was thinking of just handing him £50 and begging a friend or my Nan or someone to take him out for an hour just so I have something to open on Christmas Day - as it's just me and him this year and it would be nice to feel special, especially now I know where the goalposts are.

I don't know whether to say something about the Mum pendant and risk spoiling our great dynamic, because we do have a great relationship, or to just swallow it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 12/12/2016 06:46

It was probably from him and his sibling. And she is a mum. Yes she's his SM but she's her own DC mum.

I'd swallow it.

But yes getting someone to help him choose your presents is a great idea. I've always got someone to do this with Ds. I get sweets, smellies, slippers, scarf set etc as give him £20 to spend.

Toffeelatteplease · 12/12/2016 06:58

I did and have rolled over when DC did similarly. I knew who their mum was. But had she stuck around she would have earned the title. They didn't so what did it matter what they called her.

But do acknowledge this is a symptom of a wider way you are feeling. You DS needs you and his dad to be polite, he really doesn't need you to be best buds if really that isn't what you are. (I'm fact that might be in itself confusing if he sees some of the problems in how they are treating you and you just accepting it) Stop lending money (that ruins relationships in itself), stop going for coffee. Keep it cool and business like.

Do send your 8 year old into a shop you like with some money. If there is no one to go with him prime the shop assistant to help first. It is part of him learning what he needs to do

SixthSenseless · 12/12/2016 06:59

Grrrrt, it is wildly, wildly over-stepping the mark for your ex and his partner to encourage the word 'mum'. And it is obviously their doing.

A candle chosen by him, with his pocket money, is better than anything manipulatively put into his hands.

Anything could be going on; your ex could be promoting this as a way of trying to prevent your DS being superseded now she has her own baby.

In the end what matters is that your boy feels happy and secure. It's true, I would be aggravated that she is showing off, or trying to buy his affection with 26 gifts. That is a competition to avoid at all costs.

IdaDown · 12/12/2016 07:04

I'd interpret the 'mum' charm as insecurity from your ex and his partner.
No reasonable ex or partner would choose such a thing.

Just because the ex or his partner bought the 'mum' charm, doesn't make it so. Trying too hard!

Given what you've said about her past, the texts and that your ex and her are now together - I wouldn't say anything to her or your ex. She sounds... focused/goal orientated/slightly unhinged (?). Smile and wave.

Stop lending money.
Stop going for coffee.

Qwertie · 12/12/2016 07:08

Could you talk to your ex, OP? Tell him DS said something the other day that you found confusing & upsetting. If he was half way decent; He would take your DS out to buy a present for you. I always took my DS to buy presents for his dad (& later step-mum), it was never reciprocated & I stopped after after DS's Xmas & birthday presents stopped materialising after about the age 12 or 13.

InfiniteSheldon · 12/12/2016 07:12

I'd rather have the candle, chosen by him especially for you.

ErnesttheBavarian · 12/12/2016 07:13

I agree re getting someone to taks ds shopping for you.

I would also have a word with ds and with ex to make it clear it's not ok to be calling this other woman mum. I would tell me ds for sure, in a nice way. and I'd be much clearer with ex about it.

You seem to be so worried about spoiling any dynamic. But it seems to be a very one-sided concern which isn't healthy imo (just going from the snapshot of this thread)

letmepeeinpeace · 12/12/2016 07:15

It's just a word. He knows you're his mum. He's dad is probably just trying to make his partner feel "wanted". Try not to stress

Aya2 · 12/12/2016 07:15

Anyone with feelings would be shattered by this. Growing up I was a child of a single parent and there was a lot of mind games going on (my dad) my mum however was just so strong she never said a bad thing to me about my dad she dealt with situations where honestly if I was her I would have just hit him and probably me too.
I really do feel for you, please remember he's 8 years old he's just trying to find his place in all this but your his mum and from what you've posted you're doing a fantastic job, he really is going to be so proud. Hope you're looking after yourself and have people in your life who appreciate you and please don't give them anymore money

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 12/12/2016 07:23

He should have said buy that for mummy, not for Jane or whatever her name is

He possibly did and was told Mummy has loads of charms - she won't want any more.

Dad and SM have orchestrated this between them Your son is too young.

I would have been hurt, too - it must be like a knife in your heart - but the fact tat she is trying to buy his love with lots of gifts, and feels she needs confirmation of it with his gift to her, says that you are still Number 1 in his heart.

bimbobaggins · 12/12/2016 07:24

I'd probably be upset but wouldn't mention it to them. Maybe it was a joint present from their own child too and made it easier to give from both of the,.
But please please stop lending them money, no matter how short they say they are.
And yes , get someone to take your son shopping , that's a lovely idea.

Qwertie · 12/12/2016 07:26

Op- just thought; when DS said that to you, he might have been trying to gauge whether you'd like one for your bracelet?
& yanbu btw, I would be upset too.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 12/12/2016 07:26

Excellent comment Corkie.

I congratulate you on your empathetic insight.

(How I wish there was a "sarcastic" font)

ptumbi · 12/12/2016 07:32

I know you want a 'quiet life', OP, but you really really need some boundaries.

Stop lending them money. not your problem.
Stop meeting for coffee - no big 'fall out' if you don't want that, just 'I'm busy'. You don't need that, and it could be confusing for your ds. Keep apart from 'them, and from 'her'. You know what she's like.
Handovers to be as neutral as possible.

shovetheholly · 12/12/2016 07:38

I can definitely see why you feel hurt here!

I think your boy sounds old enough to have a chat and to realise that you are a person with feelings too. I would explain to him, very calmly and kindly, that your feelings were hurt by the bracelet charm and by the comparison of the number of presents. Make it clear that you love him and you always will, and that you will always be his Mum - not anyone else. It sounds like he is old enough to understand the need for parity and care in gift-giving - it's an important lesson for boys to learn. You've only got to enter a Mumsnet Christmas thread to realise that many husbands are shit at this, and that it does damage!

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 12/12/2016 07:38

Agree that you should stop lending them money - and maybe start asking for what you have lent them back (if you end up on Tinder, give us a wave Grin).

You have your own life, and your son's t think of - you aren't responsible for supporting their household. they aren't starving, aren't sleeping on the streets - let them just tighten their belts the way you have had to.

I wouldn't necessarily stop having coffee with her as that enables you to keep track of what is happening that might affect your son, though maybe don't meet her often. However if she uses these social interactions as an opportunity to say how strapped forces they are and put pressure on you, I would end it there. If they ask for money say that you're really short yourself - in fact, you could do with them re-paying what they owe you.

MissMargie · 12/12/2016 07:39

My take was that he had been 'helped' to choose something by Ex or SGranny or had it pointed out by DSM.
If she is telling him she has given him 27 presents but includes yours in that total it seems she is still trying to score points over you. She might have your Ex but her extreme behavior before that suggests someone with a v jealous nature.

The best you can do is to appear happy, happy, happy with your lot when you are dealing with them - then they know they are wasting time trying to manipulate the situation.

And the best you can do for DS is to appear happy with your lovely son, which you are doing.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 12/12/2016 07:39

*That should be Rinder - not Tinder, obviously

supermoon100 · 12/12/2016 07:41

Definitely talk to the ex about it and if you are friendly enough with her, ask her about it as well. Essentially ask her how she would feel if the same thing was happening to her. I think it is unacceptable and undermining

headinhands · 12/12/2016 07:42

The more loving relationships your ds has the better. Nothing can change that fact that you are his mum. Model being an adult by not letting it bother you. The fact he told you so casually means he sees that you're all one family. So you're obviously doing it all right so far.

I take great joy knowing that in similar situations with my own dc I have modelled being accepting and gracious. That's worth more to them than any jewellery.

blueturtle6 · 12/12/2016 07:43

In my limited experience of 8 year old boys present buying, I wouldn't have thought any would be attracted to a mum pendant, it'd be something shiny and bright.
Also not a step mum myself, it who would want mum jewellery from not their child, even with my own dd, I wouldn't want dh to buy it, loses the sentiment.
Your ds loves you and is confident to tell you things. Cherish thatx

Inertia · 12/12/2016 07:45

It's obviously very hurtful, which is why the whole thing has clearly been orchestrated by either Ex or SM. No 8 year old organises that kind of gift.

Perhaps your son was seeking reassurance from you ? He might be worried that his dad and stepmother are trying to turn her into his mummy, and he's actually looking for you to tell him that it's kind of SM to care for him while she lives with his dad, but you will always be his mum no matter who else is on the scene.

Somersetlady · 12/12/2016 07:45

I doubt they make charms with step mum written on them though!

For those suggesting that the op should say something to her ds or the step mum shouldnt have accepted the gift. How would you possibly do this to an 8yo child?

This issue is purely between the adults in this relationship.

I am also surprised by the number of adults who appear to want material gifts from their dc. Surely spending Christmas day with your ds is far better than any piece of tat he might have bought. Maybe let him make you something, even a card will have more meaning and sentiment that a cheap trinket that he buys from a shop?

Somersetlady · 12/12/2016 07:49

Please dont do this:

Today 07:38 shovetheholly

I can definitely see why you feel hurt here!

I think your boy sounds old enough to have a chat and to realise that you are a person with feelings too. I would explain to him, very calmly and kindly, that your feelings were hurt by the bracelet charm and by the comparison of the number of presents. Make it clear that you love him and you always will, and that you will always be his Mum - not anyone else. It sounds like he is old enough to understand the need for parity and care in gift-giving - it's an important lesson for boys to learn. You've only got to enter a Mumsnet Christmas thread to realise that many husbands are shit at this, and that it does damage!

What a horrible thing to do to a small child. Make him feel tubbish about giving a gift when hes trying to do something nice or is being handed the gift by his dad.

He is not a pawn in your game. He is a child. Not there for you to scote points from and making him frel bad about this situation would be the lowest of the low.

keekaw · 12/12/2016 07:52

I'd say to my son 'darling you have one mummy and that's me' in as light a tone as I could manage. And if he realised I was upset then I think that would be ok as long as I wasn't screaming and sobbing. Mums have feelings too!

I'm a mum and a step mum btw. My dss said a few times that he wished I was his mum but he grew out of it. It's partly a wish for the traditional mum-dad set-up, of course.

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