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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be absolutely furious about my childs 'stepmum' and this...

222 replies

cunderthunting · 11/12/2016 23:39

Namechanged for this as it's been eating me up for a while.

Background: I am a single parent to an 8 year old. His Dad has had the same girlfriend for a few years and my child knows her fairly well. They have a child together now. We generally all get along well, meet for coffee, have friendly handovers.

A week or two ago my son did up the catch on my charm bracelet for me as I can't manage it myself, and casually mentioned that last year for Christmas he had got SM -(I am reluctant to call her that but it's apparently what she tells him to call her) - a charm for her similar bracelet. A heart. With 'Mum' on. I choked back all of my butthurt as I recalled the smelly fucking candle I had got from my own son that year and didn't really know what to say. I've never had anything like that from him, and he's MY SON.

Today he dropped into conversation another expensive gift he is going to get her for Christmas this year and my heart just feels like someone has stabbed it.

Especially as they are apparently perpetually broke and I have lent them (and never seen a penny of) a lot of money this year that I can scarcely afford myself but felt sorry for them when they complained about being short.

I don't really have anyone who can take my boy shopping to buy me lavish gifts (with my own money) but I was thinking of just handing him £50 and begging a friend or my Nan or someone to take him out for an hour just so I have something to open on Christmas Day - as it's just me and him this year and it would be nice to feel special, especially now I know where the goalposts are.

I don't know whether to say something about the Mum pendant and risk spoiling our great dynamic, because we do have a great relationship, or to just swallow it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 12/12/2016 00:23

Also:

The DS sleeping beside me in my bed right now. You have this OP, and no-one can take it from you. More precious than any trinket. He's yours, and always will be.

SpunkyMummy · 12/12/2016 00:23

OP, inthink yiu being upset is more than understandable. I'd be surprised if you weren't!!!!

And yes, asking a friend or grandmother to go Christmas shopping with him for you sounds great. I think you should definitely do that.

And stop lending them money. Nobody needs 27 Christmas gifts. That's ridiculous

WannaBe · 12/12/2016 00:26

The reality is though, there is very much a feeling that biological mums would rather their children not love or like their stepmums. It may not even be a conscious thing, but there are often posts on MN from people who are hurt by the fact that their DC have good relationships with their SM's, and the underlying tone is that they'd rather they didn't.

Now, while buying a SM a charm with "mum" inscribed on it could potentially be hurtful, when the child is as young as the OP's DS, it's fairly obvious that the present won't have been bought in isolation by him. And it's not a comparison game that the OP got a candle from him and the SM got jewellery. We don't know the background here. We don't know that the dad is buying this present because "the woman he's having sex with wants it." We know nothing about her or their relationship. It may in fact be that this is driven by the dad, and she may in fact be mortified, but there's no way to tell an eight year old this on Christmas Day, when he's been told that he's made a good choice of present by his dad.

It really is preferable that children have good relationships with step parents. Even more so when those step parents are also parents to the child's other siblings, however hurtful that is to the other parent. And bear in mind that at some point the OP, and any other parent thinking the same may also meet their own new partner, and will want them to have a good relationship with their children.

The alternative is negativity, bad feeling, and the potential for relationships between child and biological parent to break down over time. I've seen the other side of this when children don't like step parents or don't have positive relationships with them, and it's not something to aspire to, it really isn't.

MagicMojito · 12/12/2016 00:29

Erm no OP, you really dont need to seek professional help. Geez there are some queer folk on mumsnet at times Grin

FeralBeryl · 12/12/2016 00:32

You know what-she could buy him 126 presents but you are still his mum!
Kids have a habit of doing the 'oh well our other Grandma/ Auntie / Friend bought us THIS' trick, which is shit, so I can see why it would be hideous from a mum point of view.

I'd be equally heartbroken too, but you must continue doing what you are doing which is to keep his wellbeing paramount.

Be thankful through gritted teeth that she is treating your son nicely and being inclusive compared to some of the SMs you read about.
Please stop lending them money though!

VixenLupin · 12/12/2016 00:36

I love my step kids to bits, but I'm not their mum. Therefore I've never received a Mother's Day card from them and I certainly wouldn't want anything that says mum on from them.

YANBU.

And stop lending them money. If she can buy 26 Christmas presents she doesn't need money.

It is nice that she thinks so much of your son, but really they're taking the piss.

Original poster
cunderthunting · 12/12/2016 00:39

wannabe

I am glad they have a good relationship - I did worry, seeing she spent my pregnancy sending me a barrage of abusive texts late at night because she fancied DSs Dad. They weren't together then, of course. Never had been. They are now though.

I could dislike her, for that and other things (like calling me names in front of DS) but I don't. She was young and daft. Weren't we all, once? I sucked it all up and made a concerted effort to be friends, never badmouth them, invite them over, be friendly, hang out, do things together. I have spent years being a virtual saint and feel kind of undermined and trampled on in return. She got what she wanted, she's got her man and the family and the home, and I have just got on with it. I won't let my friends or family say a word against either of them. I just feel genuinely a bit broken by this.

OP posts:
FeralBeryl · 12/12/2016 00:43

She got the man - but you are so so better off without a man that was happy to be led off like a lamb (to the slaughter Wink)
It sounds like you've been far too accommodating which is why this is more of a smack in the face.

Original poster
cunderthunting · 12/12/2016 00:50

I like a quiet life Feral and always figured it was better for DS if we all just mucked along. Resentment is like taking poison yourself and expecting the other person to die. I was quite stressed in my first few posts but am generally super chilled 🦄

OP posts:
YorkiesGlasses · 12/12/2016 00:55

She can give him 50 presents this year, it doesn't matter. You don't build a relationship on 'stuff'. And that Mum charm won't mean anything to him either.

This present stuff is just a symptom of the larger issues, and it's what a lot of women go through. I've seen many threads in this vein on MN.

Tomorrow contact your ex and ask if he has any of that money you lent him yet, that you're a bit short with Christmas coming up. Continue to remind him. And stop being a saint. Just be a normal human being. If that means you butt heads occasionally, so be it.

ladylambkin · 12/12/2016 00:56

I agree the charm would be a joint gift with their own child...your ex is buying not your DS and I think it's good they aren't making him feel different from his sibling.

Try not to get upset about it Xmas Smile

FeralBeryl · 12/12/2016 00:58

You must be! You are nothing short of superhuman imo to be able to hang out with them. That takes great strength of character Flowers but - don't forget you in the process.
You are important, your boy sounds secure and well loved from all angles, maybe it's time to cool a couple of areas with them and do something that benefits just you (and DS)
Like professional help WinkHmm

AnnieAnoniMouse · 12/12/2016 01:01

Fuck me, you're definitely chilled. I'd have buried her by now.

How come she was sending you vile texts when you were with DS's Dad & pregnant with DS? My head is having trouble with your DH going off with her after that...

LucyBabs · 12/12/2016 01:01

cunder It might have helped you mentioning what a cunt your ds "step mum* was before you even had ds. Your op came across as you feeling bitter that your ds has a step mum.

Why was she sending you abusive txts while you were pregnant with your ds? Confused

AwaywiththePixies27 · 12/12/2016 01:03

^ everything Jen said.

Do you think hr realised it sais mum on it? Or did he just see a cute charm and thought that'd do and encouraged DS to pick it for the SM?

I was furious with my Ex one year, I'd gave DCs some money to buy Christmas gifts with - for nan and mum dad etc - he'd 'borrowed' some of DS and I went batshit at him.

You do need to stop lending them money though. I know you will be being kind and doing it out the goodness of your own heart but I'm afraid 'tough love' is needed here to your Ex and the SM. Their finances are not your responsibility. Especially if they are already contributing very little to the upkeep of your DS.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 12/12/2016 01:03

lambylamkin. Given there was no baby last Christmas, why are you bending over backwards to defend this woman?

Imbroglio · 12/12/2016 01:11

Look for a charm with 'stepmother' on it and help your son buy it for her birthday.

Along with a massive home made card with passive aggressive appropriate wording.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 12/12/2016 01:13

Annie that made me laugh! 😂

SelfCleaningVagina · 12/12/2016 01:15

I would be devastated about this too. I don't care about being grateful he has a step mum who likes him and who he likes, that's all fine and dandy but it's irrelevant. She's not his Mum and she never will be. You are.

I think you should tell him how you feel. I know he's only 8 but I think he will understand if you explain it to him.

glitterazi · 12/12/2016 01:17

OP. For my dads 40th, when I was 8, "I" bought him Peter Gabriel LP. He fucking hates Peter Gabriel. Point is, my mum bought it in my name.
very, very unmsnetty words to follow sweets - he has no idea what he's buying. You're his mum, nothing will ever change that. Swallow the poxy bracelet nonsense and rejoice in the fact that he is your boy, and loves you more than anything in the world. Mum bracelet or not, you're his world and that's pretty much all that matters, and have a lovely Christmas.
One million per cent what unsuccessfullyadulting said. I have an 8 year old. Plus one who was 8 not so long ago.
At that age, they have NOT bought a present like that, the adults around them have and said it's from him.
He won''t have a clue what he's "bought", and it's the ex and the new girlfriend who should be held to task here.
Can completely empathise it will hurt like hell though.

UnbornMortificado · 12/12/2016 01:19

You are chilled.

Ex-P used to (another story) have DD one night a fortnight.

To give some context she was 10 weeks premature and so has some speech issues (waiting on therapy) and is a little young for her age.

He and his girlfriend of a year (who's own children had been removed from her care) decided to get DD to call her mummy.

Even typing that gives me the rage. We had words or I had words and made her cry. Now not only do they not do this but she won't come within 10 feet of me. So it's win win.

It's cruel using kids to upset (either) birth parent. I would be upset with that especially after you have been nice when she certainly doesn't deserve it.

glitterazi · 12/12/2016 01:20

I think you should tell him how you feel. I know he's only 8 but I think he will understand if you explain it to him.
Are you really thinking that the 8 year old was likely to have any say? It's far more likely that he didn't.
Seriously. He's 8. He won't have known. I know my 8 year old has presents bought for him in his name, and so did his older sibling when he was that age.
He won't know or understand about all the politics behind the presents. Just reels off what he got conversationally and won't comprehend any hurt behind it as he's EIGHT.

HelenaDove · 12/12/2016 01:28

"Lucy why the confused face? The statement is true"

Do you know the stepmum personally then?

binkiesandpopcorns · 12/12/2016 01:30

I dont get the posters who thinks its not a problem. If my son at age 8 had been buying anything with mum on it for anybody other than me id have gone nuclear. Not at the chid because I think hes been manipulated into it, but at the bastard who sought to undermine me. Youre his mum. It is NOT appropriate for anyone else to have that title and I wouldnt be lending them any more money or doing coffees any more. What an absolute cunt your ex husband is. The price of the gift is irrelevant. Its the word "mum" that is the problem

I probably wouldnt say anything to ex. He might do it every year just to piss you off but I would be incandescent but rage on here and just let it go in RL. But I completely get were you're coming from.

As for needing professional help because youre unhappy about that. Really? Hmm

HelenaDove · 12/12/2016 01:31

Ah I see. I posted before i saw your 00.39 post OP.