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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About not visiting the inlaws today?

214 replies

Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 09:21

I am very willing to be told IABU. DH has just made me feel like a right selfish bitch.

Due to visit inlaws today. DH close family member is terminally ill and this is the main reason for the visit.

I asked DH this morning (when bringing the kids down at 5am so he could lie in!) if he would mind me not coming (and he take the DC's) as I cannot really be bothered with the long drive (4+hr round trip) and would really love some me time when I have the opportunity of an empty house for once.
The last time I had some time to myself to just relax in my own home I cannot remember. I regularly take both kids out with me and he get to do as he pleases.

He got upset and said that his day has now been made twice as difficult because of my decision and that he thought his wife would want to support him. Then he cried a bit.

He was also upset that not everything was just ready for him to get up and dressed and go after his lie in this morning (he had to put the nappy bag together whilst I dressed both kids 😕)

So am I being an unsupportive bitch wife?

OP posts:
Bumbleclat · 07/12/2016 09:24

yanbu

PurpleDaisies · 07/12/2016 09:27

I'm sorry, I think you are being unreasonable. It's horrible seeing relatives who are seriously ill, but you just "can't be bothered" to make the trip with your husband? If I were him I'd be really hurt. Why did you leave it to the last minute to tell him?

It sounds like you've got issues with him generally (not having time to yourself), bit I don't think the day of a visit to a terminally ill relative is the right time to pick a battle.

positivity123 · 07/12/2016 09:27

YANBU
Also even if you were here does not have the right to talk to you in that way

DearMrDilkington · 07/12/2016 09:29

Yabu. His relative is terminally ill, you should be going with him for moral support.

sweetstemcauli · 07/12/2016 09:30

YANBU. DH reaction was selfish and childish.

SEsofty · 07/12/2016 09:30

So he has taken two small children on a four hour round trip to see terminally ill relative, by himself.

You are being so unreasonable

PurpleDaisies · 07/12/2016 09:32

It's always good when there's a concensus on a thread. Grin

Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 09:34

I didn't deliberately leave it to the last minute. That wasn't intentional at all.

I just really feel like I need some space. I'm never on my own.

I suppose I do feel I don't get enough 'time off' generally. I am a home body and to get any alone time I have to go out. I hate it.

I suppose I just saw this any a good opportunity. 😕

OP posts:
DavidPuddy · 07/12/2016 09:34

You are being super unreasonable. Arrange to have your me time next weekend. This is a time family should be supporting one another. I don't know you all, but I am actually angry at your post. Your poor husband.

Scooby20 · 07/12/2016 09:34

Yanbu about him expecting everything to be ready.

Yabu about not going because you can't be bothered. He is visiting because someone is terminally ill. He needs support and not to be in sole charge of the kids.

I think if a man decided he couldn't be bothered to visit his in laws and support his wife when she was visiting an terminally ill relative and announced it at 5am, he would be called a lot worse.

Although I would be furious at dh if he called me a bit cheap. I would be really upset if he couldn't be arsed under the circumstances too.

MadHattersWineParty · 07/12/2016 09:36

I think try and arrange the 'me' time at some other point, not today.

RandyMagnum2 · 07/12/2016 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WatchingFromTheWings · 07/12/2016 09:37

YABVU. He clearly wants/needs your support whilst his relative is dying. At the very least you should have let him leave the kids with you.

MrsBobDylan · 07/12/2016 09:37

Your DH close family member is terminally ill and you made him cry because you need me time and can't be bothered to make the long journey?

Yabu. I also can't believe others have called your dh selfish and childish. Yes, it's so selfish to want your partner with you for support at a time when a family member is terminally ill because they NEED me time.

Scooby20 · 07/12/2016 09:37

That should say 'if dh called me a bitch' not a bit cheap Blush

RentANDBills · 07/12/2016 09:38

YABU
Arrange to have some me time when you aren't commuted to visiting a terminally ill family member.
Your husband sounds very stressed about the whole thing, understandably.
Stating that you "can't be bothered" just gives the whole thing a real edge, which I'm sure is not intentional.
If DP said/did this to me I'd be crushed

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 09:38

I just really feel like I need some space. I'm never on my own.

Not the day, not the time.

MaudGonneMad · 07/12/2016 09:38

He didn't actually call you a bitch, did he? Or is that the gloss you put on your behaviour?

DavidPuddy · 07/12/2016 09:39

To be clear, I don't think you deserve a bashing. I suspect you have not been intentionally selfish so much as a bit (quite) thoughtless.

Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 09:39

He won't ever take the kids out for the day though. He doesn't think he should have to if I'm just staying at home.

I just want to be at home on my own. Though I accept that today was the wrong day. 😕

OP posts:
Scooby20 · 07/12/2016 09:39

maud you are correct. It doesn't seem he did. That's the ops words.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 07/12/2016 09:39

YANBU. Reading between the lines, he sounds lazy. When do you get a bloody lie-in?

On the face of it, he is grieving, but even a grieving man doesn't tantrum because he has to help his wife get the kids ready.

Stop facilitating all his lie-ins and make him do more on his days off.

MadHattersWineParty · 07/12/2016 09:40

Is it too late- has he already gone?

Don't think I could get much enjoyment out of a 'me' time day after if I'd packed my DP off on a long journey with two small children to see a dying relative, but that's just me...

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 07/12/2016 09:40

now is not the time to be balancing up who has the most time alone.

I think you have behaved badly at best.....poor man was obviously upset and you completely trivilalised it by "not being bothered"

if he has loads of time out of the house and you constantly have children hanging from every limb, then, by all means get that issue addressed, but not like this.

RentANDBills · 07/12/2016 09:40

RandyMagnum2 fucking hell, chill out. Just because the OPs BU on this occasion doesn't call for that.