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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About not visiting the inlaws today?

214 replies

Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 09:21

I am very willing to be told IABU. DH has just made me feel like a right selfish bitch.

Due to visit inlaws today. DH close family member is terminally ill and this is the main reason for the visit.

I asked DH this morning (when bringing the kids down at 5am so he could lie in!) if he would mind me not coming (and he take the DC's) as I cannot really be bothered with the long drive (4+hr round trip) and would really love some me time when I have the opportunity of an empty house for once.
The last time I had some time to myself to just relax in my own home I cannot remember. I regularly take both kids out with me and he get to do as he pleases.

He got upset and said that his day has now been made twice as difficult because of my decision and that he thought his wife would want to support him. Then he cried a bit.

He was also upset that not everything was just ready for him to get up and dressed and go after his lie in this morning (he had to put the nappy bag together whilst I dressed both kids 😕)

So am I being an unsupportive bitch wife?

OP posts:
LadyBusDriver · 07/12/2016 10:08

When my grandma was terminally I'll, my husband went with me to visit her, made time for her and made her feel loved as well as being there for me.
You should be there for your husband, it's not like you have something else important to do, have your 'me time' another day, this is more important.

LizzieMacQueen · 07/12/2016 10:09

As a side issue, why are your kids up at 5am? That's a tough thing if that's their norm.

I think you and your husband should work on a strategy so that you all get more sleep.

Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 10:09

Phoebebe, by the time the train got there (multiple changes to obscure place) he would be coming home anyway.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 10:10

lizzie that is the normal. But they are in bed fast on by 6pm, so can't complain really.

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 07/12/2016 10:10

I think it's a bit shit not to go with your DH to support him when a relative is dying.

I'm a bit torn though as I think he sounds like a bit of a tit for this:
'He was also upset that not everything was just ready for him to get up and dressed and go after his lie in this morning (he had to put the nappy bag together'. Do you normally provide servant services for him? Or is that just what he expects/would like?

and this: 'He won't ever take the kids out for the day though. He doesn't think he should have to if I'm just staying at home.' Does he not understand that you would like some time at home alone sometimes? Have you tried to explain to him that you would?

PurpleMinionMummy · 07/12/2016 10:11

Yanbu to want some me time. Yabu over the time you've chosen to assert it. Go with him today, wait a few days and discuss some regular me time for you.

Phoebebe · 07/12/2016 10:11

Get an uber? First time I used it I got £20 voucher (advert through google maps)
Lets face it, you're nit going to have a great day at home now

CaraAspen · 07/12/2016 10:11

Separate issues - yes, totally agree.

Dagnabit · 07/12/2016 10:11

Ok people, wind your necks in! OP admits she's in the wrong, no need to go on about it.

OP, maybe start with a text to say sorry...not about wanting time to yourself but the rather poor timing. He does need to step up, by the sounds of it but at the moment, he needs support and understanding. Apologise again when he gets back, maybe have a nice meal or something waiting for him. Then at a later time, have the conversation about him allowing you a lie in and taking the dc out, to give you some me time. We all need it! We all make mistakes and errors of judgement so don't beat yourself up.

StarBurger · 07/12/2016 10:14

I would go and jump on a train and ring him en route. That way you would be there to support him even if it's just on the way home. It's tough visiting someone who is dying.

Fair play you admit you got it wrong and you do sound like you need a break. Sounds like you guys need to sit down and have a very honest chat. He needs to step up abit and your timing was pretty shitty.

SirChenjin · 07/12/2016 10:14

That's pretty bad OP Sad. As others have said, today was not the day - and I'm not sure what you mean by you didn't have the chance to change your mind. It takes a nanosecond to do that, surely?

A heartfelt apology to him and the relative is the way forward, followed by a conversation about the division of labour and me time.

shovetheholly · 07/12/2016 10:14

Cutting - I don'y mean to sound harsh, but you genuinely don't seem to understand that this visit is different. You said in your OP that the 'main reason' for the visit is that the relative is terminally ill. I take that to mean that this is either a recent diagnosis, or a final visit. In either case, it's likely to be far more emotional and difficult than a standard visit, even a standard visit to someone who is long term unwell.

It seems strange to me that you didn't just 'get this' immediately. Are there other problems in your marriage, other resentments that might obscure this for you? Are other people's emotions often difficult for you to read? I am not suggesting this to criticise you at all, just trying to understand so that I know what to suggest in terms of you 'making this up' to your DH.

PberryT · 07/12/2016 10:14

At least you've realised how badly you fucked up.

Apologise unreservedly. Never ever do it again. Can you make sure there's a good tea waiting when he gets home? Clean the house up and you do bedtime alone.

Once DC are in bed apologise again, and talk to your dh.

Serialweightwatcher · 07/12/2016 10:15

I think it would have been kinder to go because he's obviously struggling with this, but what you need to do is put your foot down about him taking the kids out on his own sometimes to give you a few hours off - this wouldn't have happened if you had been more forceful all along so you didn't feel so knackered and put upon all the time

Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 10:16

If people would like to donate the money for an 'uber' or a taxi to travel 80 miles. Please do, I can pm you my PayPal Hmm

Sorry for the sarcasm but really?

OP posts:
TallyHoAndToodlePip · 07/12/2016 10:17

Mucho grovelling needs to be done on your part. I don't expect he'll forgive you instantly though. You'll likely be feeling the repercussions of this one for a day or two minimum.

Also, it sounds like he's not coping with the fact that a family member is terminally ill (who can blame him?) and he needs your support now more than you need 'me time'. Sorry. Him crying over this sounds like he's been bottling up his emotions and this tipped him over the edge.

PickAChew · 07/12/2016 10:19

I don't doubt that your DH could do to pull his weight more with the kids and that you do desperately need some alone time, but this is not the situation in which you stand your ground. This is one situation where you need to support your DH and then you deal with his disinterest in the kids separately, with a grown up conversation where you tell him what you need him to do.

sweetstemcauli · 07/12/2016 10:24

Don't be bullied, OP, it sounds like you have enough of that IRL.

It's an emotional time for your family and medals and all to those who get it right all the time. You are stressed and I'm alarmed to hear you don't have a driving licence. If you are medically able to drive IIWY I should get myself to the driving school, sharpish.

Still think your DH is childish. He should grow up and take more responsibility anyway.

DearMrDilkington · 07/12/2016 10:24

cutting people are trying to help.

CaraAspen · 07/12/2016 10:25

"Cuttingthecheese

If people would like to donate the money for an 'uber' or a taxi to travel 80 miles. Please do, I can pm you my PayPal hmm

Sorry for the sarcasm but really?"

You asked and people have responded. The general consensus is that what you did was incredibly unsupportive. Your sarcastic response here does you no favours.

PurpleDaisies · 07/12/2016 10:25

I think to be fair dearmr, the suggestion of taking an uber was ridiculous.

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katy07 · 07/12/2016 10:26

YABU - it's a tough time and he needed your support. Appreciate that you want some time alone but that's another issue.

Soubriquet · 07/12/2016 10:26

Well I do agree it's a bit of silly suggestion for her to go and pay for an über or whatever else

She fucked up. She realised that. Now she has to wait for him to come home and grovel then

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