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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About not visiting the inlaws today?

214 replies

Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 09:21

I am very willing to be told IABU. DH has just made me feel like a right selfish bitch.

Due to visit inlaws today. DH close family member is terminally ill and this is the main reason for the visit.

I asked DH this morning (when bringing the kids down at 5am so he could lie in!) if he would mind me not coming (and he take the DC's) as I cannot really be bothered with the long drive (4+hr round trip) and would really love some me time when I have the opportunity of an empty house for once.
The last time I had some time to myself to just relax in my own home I cannot remember. I regularly take both kids out with me and he get to do as he pleases.

He got upset and said that his day has now been made twice as difficult because of my decision and that he thought his wife would want to support him. Then he cried a bit.

He was also upset that not everything was just ready for him to get up and dressed and go after his lie in this morning (he had to put the nappy bag together whilst I dressed both kids 😕)

So am I being an unsupportive bitch wife?

OP posts:

shovetheholly · 07/12/2016 10:54

It really sounds like you and your DP need to have a conversation about how you care for and support one another, and how the labour in the house is divided. Maybe this happening is the start of that - perhaps it will make him realise how much he's alienating you?

CaraAspen · 07/12/2016 10:55

Oh dear.

CaraAspen · 07/12/2016 10:55

To scallopsrgreat

Butterpuff · 07/12/2016 10:57

Unfortunately if your dp is as lots of people are assuming a bit useless, unhelpful, demanding and primarily concerned with himself then your request today will put you back months towards equality. Not offering support to him in this situation will be a card he will play against you for months. I think you were being unreasonable, but I think you may have to continue with your action as if you were in the right if you want to get some balance in your relationship if you back down you might find yourself making up for your mistake for months if not years. Today is not a good day for you OP sorry. To fix it. I'd say an apology for not understanding how much support dh needed is a critical. But not groveling. If you would normally make dinner then make dinner, not a special dinner just what you would normally do. Then explain that your sheer exhaustion caused an error in judgment and you both need to support one another more and need to talk about how to do that.

Whatallama · 07/12/2016 10:58

You should have been there to support him, and in deciding to stay home, you let him down. You can make a meal, appologise etc, but this may still upset him for quite a while, because you've let him down whilst most vulnerable.

I don't get the 'I didn't have chance to change my mind' - in an emergency, you can put clothes on and be out (especially as the children would already have been sorted, so its just you), in less than 5 minutes. You could have gone if you wanted, but as far as I can see, preferred to think it was just too late.

What would I do in your situation to make it up? I'd get straight down to the train station and go to meet him. Then I'd appologise for not being supportive.

Later on, I think you do need to try and resolve the issue of balance in your house, but today was not the time to do it. its likely to be a highly emotional visit, far more than visiting someone thats in a home etc, and its going to be very difficult to do that alone. He's then got to drive back, whilst probably upset about both the relative, not spending the time with them that he wanted, and feeling let down by you.

StrawberryandCreamPips · 07/12/2016 10:59

NavyandWhite Not at all, and I said that her timing was bad - but he should support her all the rest of the time when SHE clearly needs it. And he clearly doesn't.

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 07/12/2016 11:01

Slightly off topic, but is this the best place to take small children? I imagine the relative would like to see them, but still....

OP, apologise sincerely, give him a cuddle and perhaps visit next time, if there is one. I do think you have been given a hard time - you are clearly doing the lion's share of the child-rearing, which, in my book, is being a supportive wife. It works both ways. It should be a partnership, not you having to simply make life easier for him all the time. You made a mistake, but talk it over later and give him some reassurance. Everyone needs a break - just perhaps not today.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 07/12/2016 11:02

YABU.

scallopsrgreat · 07/12/2016 11:03

Agree with shovetheholly too. And I don't think needs to put you "back months towards equality". If someone is going to "use this against you" then they really are not seeing the relationship as something worth fighting for.

CaraAspen · 07/12/2016 11:03

This was about visiting a person who is actually dying. How awful to think of anyone in that situation. This in no way equates with giving someone "me time" so it is NOT like for like.

scallopsrgreat · 07/12/2016 11:04

I don't think they are separate issue Navy. I think Cutting's request and reaction (and his to a certain extent) is as a direct result of her being taken for granted and being unsupported for so long.

CaraAspen · 07/12/2016 11:05

And if you think it IS a like for like situation, then you are totally lacking in sensitivity.

SirChenjin · 07/12/2016 11:05

Men really do have to do fuck all to garner support from women don't they?

Not at all - as has been the pretty much unanimous 'he needs to do more, you need to have a conversation about what you want out of this relationship, this was not the time for 'me time'' response on here.

whattheseithakasmean · 07/12/2016 11:06

Yes, but if she wants treated with care and consideration, maybe she needs to model that - be the change you want to see. Choosing me time over supporting your DH over a bereavement is the epitome of selfishness, so doesn't create a very good place for the OP to request mutual support and consideration - you get what you give.

The time when children are little is tough on a marriage, but don't let it chip away at your ability to be kind to your DH as well as your children - if you grab any opportunity for yourself, you create the paradigm where he does the same, and it is constant attrition, not partnership.

Step back and show some love before you attempt to open a conversation on getting time for yourself. Now is not the time, when he will be feeling rightfully upset and let down by you, Let it go, be nice and pick it back up when you are both in a better place.

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mouseinahole · 07/12/2016 11:06

YABVU
He must be distressed and to have the children will add to the stress. You really really should have gone with them but you didn't. What can you do? Not a lot. Have a nice meal ready when they return, telephone to see how relative is, apologise profusely when they come home and expect it to take a bit of getting over. It's not taking the children for a trip for fun, it's a visit to a dying relative. How could you?

diddl · 07/12/2016 11:07

I think that this was the wrong day to do this.

But you know, if he treats you like shit/takes you for granted then it's going to bite him on the arse one day.

Just happened to be today.

PurpleDaisies · 07/12/2016 11:08

Do people not bother reading the thread?

What is the point in continuing to kick the op when she's said she was out of order?

scallopsrgreat · 07/12/2016 11:08

I think we are all agreed on that Navy.

And no I don't see it as like for like Cara. In fact I think month/years of not supporting your wife as far worse. But you are right, the person dying should have been the focus.

CruCru · 07/12/2016 11:10

I think the OP has had a hard time on here. Yeah, the timing wasn't great and she'll apologise for that. However, I have the impression that she is always expected to provide a lot of support to her husband and doesn't get a lot back. There's only so much you can take of that.

deste · 07/12/2016 11:10

I'm afraid that's what happens when you have children but although your on the go the whole time it's wont always be like this. You should have gone by the way.

Original poster

Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 11:11

purple it's OK, I've got a hide like a rhino.

OP posts:

littlemissangrypants · 07/12/2016 11:12

The day my mother (had very difficulkt relationship with her) died ten years ago I got the call first thing in morning. My boyfriend (now ex) took the day off as he needed a break. He spent the day getting stoned while I had to take the kids to school and generally wait on him hand and foot. It was the beginning of the end for me.
I forgave his violence and abuse but I will never forgive him for leaving me to struggle on my own on that day.
His own mother died of a degenerative disease and while she was in the hospice I visited and took my kids. He didn't want to visit much as watching football was too important. I was the one who told my kids their granny was gone and I was the one who supported them through the funeral and beyond. My ex is and was a selfish pig. You don't leave the people you love to deal with death and dying alone.

PurpleDaisies · 07/12/2016 11:13

Glad to hear it cutting, but this sort of thing happens all the time.

If you can't even be bothered to read the op's posts, just don't bother to comment on the thread. It isn't compulsory.

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