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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About not visiting the inlaws today?

214 replies

Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 09:21

I am very willing to be told IABU. DH has just made me feel like a right selfish bitch.

Due to visit inlaws today. DH close family member is terminally ill and this is the main reason for the visit.

I asked DH this morning (when bringing the kids down at 5am so he could lie in!) if he would mind me not coming (and he take the DC's) as I cannot really be bothered with the long drive (4+hr round trip) and would really love some me time when I have the opportunity of an empty house for once.
The last time I had some time to myself to just relax in my own home I cannot remember. I regularly take both kids out with me and he get to do as he pleases.

He got upset and said that his day has now been made twice as difficult because of my decision and that he thought his wife would want to support him. Then he cried a bit.

He was also upset that not everything was just ready for him to get up and dressed and go after his lie in this morning (he had to put the nappy bag together whilst I dressed both kids 😕)

So am I being an unsupportive bitch wife?

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/12/2016 10:27

Still think your DH is childish

And saying you 'can't be bothered' to go with your DH to see a dying relative is soooooooo grown up Hmm

littleredrose · 07/12/2016 10:27

Anyone who gets up at 5am, with children, so that husband can have a lie-in,
deserves a medal. No, you are not being unreasonable. You do need some time on your own.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 07/12/2016 10:28

YANBU to want some 'me time' but YABU to choose today as the day you want it (unless of course it had already been mutually agreed)

DoloresAbernathy · 07/12/2016 10:28

I'd be very hurt if my DH did this... it's done now though so all you can do is show him that you are genuinely sorry, that you didn't think it through and having done so you can now see you are a complete arse ( sorry op but it's true )
Make an effort to do some things just for him and later down the line completely unrelated to this I'd talk to him about really needing some alone time at home... tell him for you it would be just as therapeutic as a spa day but much cheaper- not sure if that's exactly how you feel but that's how I'd see it so I get where you're coming from wanting that time but like others have said just a massively bad time to have asked for it.
Good luck op

Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 10:30

sweet I've never needed a driving license. Excellent public transport within my city.
Though I am now learning with two kids to town around. Failed my first test couple of weeks ago. Apparently it's not ok to panic that your in the wrong lane and swerve right without looking or indicating 😁

OP posts:
HandbagCrab · 07/12/2016 10:32

Well you can't do anything about it now so might as well make the best of it. Maybe text or ring dh to apologise for poor timing and that you're thinking of him. And then get on with your day off.

Everyone needs time out and you need to be creative and assertive as to how you get that. If dc are in bed for 6 then there are whole evenings there to do something with. Your dh could take dc out on his own at weekends but I can understand knowing what a pain in the bum that could be when all your other half wants to do is potter round the house. Learning to drive could change your life if you are feeling stuck or trapped. Maybe doing some free courses or looking at retraining might help too if money is tight and you are currently sah.

StrawberryandCreamPips · 07/12/2016 10:32

On this occasion YABU.

However, if you go with him today, he has to promise that you can have a day off at the week-end in which he cares for the DC and takes them out so that you can get a bit of peace and quiet.

I suspect there is a back story here where he expects you to do almost everything at home and for the DC. He is upset and I do understand, but life doesn't revolve around him or stop because a member of his family is terminally ill. I speak from experience, one of my ILS was terminally ill, but his family had to keep going and I supported them. I also suspect that if it was you in DH'S position, would he take over most of the jobs that you do at home, in addition to childcare and work? Because I don't think he would. He feels entitled to have lie ins, time without the DC, and everything done for him.

Agree 100% with this ^^ Fair enough the OP should give her DH emotional support on this particular occasion, but it sounds as if he does nothing but take take take the rest of the time as well and she's at the end of her tether.

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirChenjin · 07/12/2016 10:34

Agree Strawberry - but this is not the time to take a stand against her DH, and more importantly, the terminally ill relative and their family.

CoraPirbright · 07/12/2016 10:34

YABU. There are two totally separate issues going on here. The fact that the relationship is imbalanced regarding time off/'me time' is quite separate to you going on this trip and supporting him when a close relative is dying.

By all means, you really do need to get him to see that you need some alone time and he needs to step up and provide this but now is not the time to do it.

crumble82 · 07/12/2016 10:35

Can you get a train part of the way there and a taxi for the rest of it? My father died recently and my DH was not as supportive as he could be in the days leading up to it. However once he realised it was actually happening he took some shifts sitting with him and reading to him. That meant a lot to me so maybe you could take some books or magazines that you know this relative would enjoy?

adrianabelshaw · 07/12/2016 10:35

YADNBU for wanting time for yourself. But you didnt choose the right moment. Your DH clearly needed u OP, maybe some time after that, you shoul've asked him to take care of the kids for like a day or somthing in which you could be not anyone's mom or wife, but just to be you, a woman, who is going to have some good time all by herself. Smile

FlyingElbows · 07/12/2016 10:40

Is it really that you "can't be bothered" or that you're very uncomfortable with facing the reality of a dying relative? I cannot fathom why on earth you would pick today to throw a "me time" strop for any reason other than it gets you out of facing the truth and the emotional fragility that goes with it.

StrawberryandCreamPips · 07/12/2016 10:40

Yeah he should grow up and be a big boy even though a close relative is dying

Absolutely he should grow up and be a big boy ALL the time so it's not such a fucking big deal being asked to pack a nappy bag - how will he possibly cope, the poor lamb?? Hmm - despite the fact that a close relative is dying.

Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 10:44

flyingelbows where on earth have you got me throwing a strop from?

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dingdongthewitchishere · 07/12/2016 10:45

re: making him diner for tonight. Don't forget to TALK to him. Don't slave preparing the evening whilst he stops in McDonalds on the way home, then have a huge row about it. That really wouldn't help. Today the poor guy needs a break.

Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 10:46

He isn't as emotionally strong as me. I think I forget that sometimes.

OP posts:
StrawberryandCreamPips · 07/12/2016 10:46

Yes, bad timing SirChenjin - but overall I think he's the one that needs to grow up and and get a grip, not OP.

I would have no hesitation dropping everything to support my DH in the same situation, but then he would do the same for me and more importantly does it the rest of the time too.

StrawberryandCreamPips · 07/12/2016 10:48

NayandWhite See above. I'm not that thoughtless, but then neither is my DH.

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hellochicken · 07/12/2016 10:50

I hope you dont spend the whole day feeling guilty. Use it as best you can before appologising when they get back.
I'd give him some time to discuss the situation and the day he had. I would have a discussion another day/week if possible, about the fact you need some free time.

SirChenjin · 07/12/2016 10:51

Yes, I get that - but this is a)not about you and your DH (or the rest of us and our DH/Ps) and b)is not the time to tell him to grow up and get a grip. That's for a later conversation.

scallopsrgreat · 07/12/2016 10:52

And where is his support of her?

Men really do have to do fuck all to garner support from women don't they?

Yes maybe not the right time but he really didn't need to be a complete child about it and throw a strop. He could have said, actually I'd really appreciate your support and maybe we could arrange that 'me' time next weekend. But no, he has to sulk, cry and moan. If this was him at the end of his tether because he'd been up to his neck with the children for the past few weeks and Cutting was opting out, again, then I would understand his reaction. But in fact the opposite is true.

So YANBU.

RandyMagnum2 · 07/12/2016 10:54

Don't see why my post was deleted, the first line in the OP's own post suggested that she was maybe being a "selfish bitch" and I agreed with that assertion.

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