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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About not visiting the inlaws today?

214 replies

Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 09:21

I am very willing to be told IABU. DH has just made me feel like a right selfish bitch.

Due to visit inlaws today. DH close family member is terminally ill and this is the main reason for the visit.

I asked DH this morning (when bringing the kids down at 5am so he could lie in!) if he would mind me not coming (and he take the DC's) as I cannot really be bothered with the long drive (4+hr round trip) and would really love some me time when I have the opportunity of an empty house for once.
The last time I had some time to myself to just relax in my own home I cannot remember. I regularly take both kids out with me and he get to do as he pleases.

He got upset and said that his day has now been made twice as difficult because of my decision and that he thought his wife would want to support him. Then he cried a bit.

He was also upset that not everything was just ready for him to get up and dressed and go after his lie in this morning (he had to put the nappy bag together whilst I dressed both kids 😕)

So am I being an unsupportive bitch wife?

OP posts:
mikeyssister · 07/12/2016 11:49

I know I overthink everything but like Whatallama I would be rethinking our relationship if DH did this to me, unless he realised very quickly he was wrong (which I know you have), but also contacted me to let me know.

mikeyssister · 07/12/2016 11:50

Great, Cutting. I know you can get this sorted really quickly and going forward you'll be able to communicate your needs to him.

Now whether or not he'll listen is a story for another thread!!

OnionKnight · 07/12/2016 11:52

I know that the OP has realised that today wasn't the time to do what she did but if my wife did this, I'd be seriously thinking about our marriage. However I do agree that her husband needs to pull his weight.

I'm a bit Hmm that some posters are surprised that he cried, I'd be upset too if I was him, or is he supposed to man up?

Butterymuffin · 07/12/2016 11:56

As a decent person, OP's husband should be aware that he seems to get a lot more time to himself than she does, through her taking on lots of the childcare. This hasn't come from nowhere. I agree that today was bad timing for OP to tackle this but really, husband gets annoyed because every last thing down to the nappy bag hasn't been got ready for him? That shows how easy life's been made for him if sorting out a nappy bag for your own child seems like a big imposition.

Apologise for doing this on such a bad day for it, yes, and sending a text is probably the best way to do it. But this came from a desperate place. I don't see the need to hang, draw and quarter the OP.

scallopsrgreat · 07/12/2016 12:02

As I said, if I was your husband, I'd be rethinking the marriage right now. Marriage is about supporting eachother through good and bad times, sickness and health, and that includes supporting through family illnesses. Funny how that only appears to be one way.

Support shouldn't have to be given only after it has been received, but if someone is doing all the taking in the relationship on the support front (or any front) then that is exactly what you will end up with. Because resentment will build up.

Quartz2208 · 07/12/2016 12:04

It sounds to me as if you have been struggling for awhile, feeling hemmed in and envious of the fact that he gets to do what he pleases and he just expects you to get everything ready and all of that has bubbled up and you let it out. At the worse possible time, at a time when yes he did need you and you were wrong to do so.

The problem is I think with any apology is what is going to actually feel to him that you are sorry but feel to you that the issues which caused you to do it in the first placed are addressed in that you don't immediately martyr yourself - something caused you to do - I agree with PurpleDaises the issue is black and white (you were wrong) what caused you to act this way runs deeper

mikeyssister · 07/12/2016 12:06

The man is visiting a dying relative and is faced with a 80 mile journey with two children and no wife as backup.

I think to be honest getting upset over the nappy bag may be a bit of transference Buttery, not a reflection of how easy his life has been.

Whatallama · 07/12/2016 12:06

Support isn't one way, and in an everyday situation, support should be clearly both ways. BUT, when it comes to an emergency, or illness, or a terminally ill relative, then you don't go by the 'score', you do the right thing.

GummyBunting · 07/12/2016 12:06

I agree that you need to say sorry ect as other have said, however you didn't do this to be nasty or unsupportive, this came about because your DH hasn't been pulling his weight. Getting angry because every single thing hasn't been done for him? Seems like he sees parenting (at least the boring bits) as your job? What a twat.

Once you've done the apologizing, use the opportunity to discuss why it happened.

AgathaP · 07/12/2016 12:17

cutting Please just stop for a moment - I have noticed that you are starting to post about your "emotional strength" and "hide like a rhino" - perhaps step away from this thread, make yourself a cup of tea/coffee and sit down and think quietly. Emotional strength is a great quality but so is empathy. This is serious so you need to plan your next move carefully, without distraction.

Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 12:18

I have had a response. They are all there safe. I have apologised and he has said it's OK, he just could have done with my support today.

But I already know that.

OP posts:
MrsSnootch · 07/12/2016 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HaveNoSocks · 07/12/2016 12:22

I think YABU not to accompany him today of all days on the other hand YANBU to want some time to yourself and iyour DH sounds like a bit of a lazy bum who is too used to you doing everything to make his life nice and easy for him. If I were you I'd go today to support my DH (a long trip to see a terminally ill relative with two kids all by himself sounds dire) BUT I'd insist on some time to myself once a month AND you can share out the weekend lie ins fairly.

Soubriquet · 07/12/2016 12:22

Glad you've had a reasonable response

Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 12:25

Thanks mrssnootch you too!

Why do people think every threaday on MN is a wind up?

I think the thread is now getting to long as people are clearly not reading before responding.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 12:25

Thread*

OP posts:
Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 12:27

Thanks soubriquet backing away now as I'm starting to get a bit wound up despite the rhino thick backside!

Thank you to all who have helped me

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/12/2016 12:28

Cutting
I'm glad you have had a reasonable response. I hope you and your DH can come to a fairer arrangement over you getting some time for yourself.

Soubriquet · 07/12/2016 12:30

I don't blame you for backing away

You've been told, you've come up with a sort of solution, you'll learn nothing else now.

twocockersarebetterthanone · 07/12/2016 12:30

If your children are in bed asleep by 6 every day can you have some "me time" then??

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sarahnova69 · 07/12/2016 12:32

I agree this wasn't the best day for it, but that's the thing about crises, they often bring to the surface stuff that's been simmering away for a long time, and the H is clearly being fairly self-absorbed and unhelpful on a daily basis.

OP, if you could do all this over again, I would probably advise you to bring it up another day, but the fact is, the stress of this crisis probably made you feel slightly desperate and it all came out of you in an unplanned and not brilliantly timed way. That happens, so don't beat yourself up about it too much. Apologise, but when things are a bit calmer, don't back down from the fact that you and your H must discuss the distribution of labour and personal time in your home, and it must become more evenly distributed. If he can't do that, you will need to rethink the marriage.

MrsSnootch · 07/12/2016 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsSnootch · 07/12/2016 12:38

The husband is clearly being absorbed and unhelpful on a daily basis? Where did the OP post that, Sarahnova69? Does he not work?

StrawberryandCreamPips · 07/12/2016 12:39

Good luck sorting it all out, OP