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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About not visiting the inlaws today?

214 replies

Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 09:21

I am very willing to be told IABU. DH has just made me feel like a right selfish bitch.

Due to visit inlaws today. DH close family member is terminally ill and this is the main reason for the visit.

I asked DH this morning (when bringing the kids down at 5am so he could lie in!) if he would mind me not coming (and he take the DC's) as I cannot really be bothered with the long drive (4+hr round trip) and would really love some me time when I have the opportunity of an empty house for once.
The last time I had some time to myself to just relax in my own home I cannot remember. I regularly take both kids out with me and he get to do as he pleases.

He got upset and said that his day has now been made twice as difficult because of my decision and that he thought his wife would want to support him. Then he cried a bit.

He was also upset that not everything was just ready for him to get up and dressed and go after his lie in this morning (he had to put the nappy bag together whilst I dressed both kids 😕)

So am I being an unsupportive bitch wife?

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 07/12/2016 09:57

On this occasion YABU.

However, if you go with him today, he has to promise that you can have a day off at the week-end in which he cares for the DC and takes them out so that you can get a bit of peace and quiet.

I suspect there is a back story here where he expects you to do almost everything at home and for the DC. He is upset and I do understand, but life doesn't revolve around him or stop because a member of his family is terminally ill. I speak from experience, one of my ILS was terminally ill, but his family had to keep going and I supported them. I also suspect that if it was you in DH'S position, would he take over most of the jobs that you do at home, in addition to childcare and work? Because I don't think he would. He feels entitled to have lie ins, time without the DC, and everything done for him.

Laiste · 07/12/2016 09:57

I mean we're all different but if my DH actually cried i'd be Shock:( and SERIOUSLY worried about him.

PurpleDaisies · 07/12/2016 10:00

interesting how some posters think he needs support to look after his own children.

It's a really long drive and we don't know how old the children are. If this is the last time they're going to see their relative it's much more difficult to have a proper conversation with small children around.

Gazelda · 07/12/2016 10:00

To be honest, I think you also owe an apology to the ILs/terminally Ill relative. They will get the clear message that you're not that interested in spending time with them. They may also have prepared lunch for your visit. How rude.
Sorry OP, I know it's been said by other posters, and you've admitted you've picked the wrong day to put yourself first.
I think you should phone the relative to explain you felt unwell (a rare time when a white lie is appropriate), followed up by the promise of a visit soon.

Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 10:00

laiste no driving licence and no second car to use even if I did have one!

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 07/12/2016 10:00

He has made me FEEL like a selfish bitch

If you feel this this is because you are selfish, I cant believe you didnt go and support him - its not a day out! If you dont feel he helps enough with your children and you need some more "me" time then thats a completely separate issue altogether that you can tackle.

CaraAspen · 07/12/2016 10:01

Do you have to ask us here? Your partner deserves your support and the you "can't be bothered" bit really jars. Poor guy.

Soubriquet · 07/12/2016 10:01

What Purple said

Try and explain when emotions are not as high, that you desperately need time alone sometimes.

Whilst you see today was a wrong day, your desperation to be alone clouded that and you are really sorry

Hopefully he's not a dick and accepts that

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2016 10:02

Thing is, I don't think you are unreasonable to want more help from your DH. He clearly leaves most things to you and that isn't fair. But yes, today wasn't the day to raise it.

Go with paap1975's idea and apologise. And maybe have a longer conversation in the new year about how things will have to change.

dingdongthewitchishere · 07/12/2016 10:02

YANBU to want some space, but you did chose the worst time to demand it!

I would get everything ready for when he returns, so the house is nice, he's got a great diner waiting for him, and everything is sorted for the kids. I would apologise, give him a beer or cup of tea (or whatever he drinks), take the kids out of his hands and let him chill this evening.
You are a couple, explain that you chose the wrong time, but you are completely overwhelmed, need some help and are desperate for some time on your own. A few hours at the weekend wouldn't hurt, can't he take the kids to park/ soft play for a little while?
I am not sure what else you could do, if you sincerely apologise. It's terrible timing, but not the end of the world either, they are his kids too.

LagunaBubbles · 07/12/2016 10:02

interesting how some posters think he needs support to look after his own children

His relative is dying. Its not unreasonable to expect emotional support from your partner in these cicumstances.

CaraAspen · 07/12/2016 10:02

He cried. God.

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laiste · 07/12/2016 10:03

Can I now have ideas on how to resolve please

I'd wait till he's at his destination and then ring him up and apologise. Tell him you hope his day goes well, and you wish you were there with him in hindsight. When he gets home take some time to have a talk about who's expecting what in this relationship and go from there.

JunosRevenge · 07/12/2016 10:03

YABU I'm afraid, OP.

You've chosen totally the wrong moment to assert your 'me' time.

Your poor DH...

PurpleDaisies · 07/12/2016 10:04

The op has said they were unreasonable and got this wrong in case anyone missed it...

SeaEagleFeather · 07/12/2016 10:04

How to resolve it? As others have said, an apology. This will sting him for a long time.

But you do also need your own time (this just wasn't the day for it!)

Put aside some time to talk to him about that. You can't justify your behaviour today, but you can point out that there's a long running problem underlying it. That problem is real and it's going to get worse unless he takes it seriously and takes the children out sometimes. That's a perfectly reasonable thing to ask. You don't say if you're a SAHM but where I live, a break from the children now and then is considered essential and makes you a better parent.

I hope he does take you seriously. I'm coming to the conclusion that a lot (most?) men don't really listen and change their behaviour until you're at the point of leaving them (perhaps I'm too cynical though).

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItWentInMyEye · 07/12/2016 10:05

YABU. Today wasn't the time or the place for this (probably well deserved at any other time) decision. I feel sad for your DH.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/12/2016 10:06

YABTU. If I were trying to put things right I'd prepare something for you all to eat when they get home, as grief is both draining and exhausting. I would fling my arms around him when he walked through the door and apologize for being so selfish, and explain it all comes from feeling I never get any time to myself. I'd ask after his relative. Then, once we had eaten and were all feeling better about things, I'd bide my time - probably until the weekend - and arrange to have a proper talk about me time, my space and his need for support.

Phoebebe · 07/12/2016 10:07

Text him now & say you are very sorry, you're desperate for some time on your own but see now this was the wrong day.

Can you jump on a train?

dingdongthewitchishere · 07/12/2016 10:07

then ring him up and apologise

that too!

Pluto30 · 07/12/2016 10:07

YABVU.

Couldn't you have picked any other day to have him take the kids for a few hours? Surely it didn't have to be this particular day?

Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 10:08

I don't want reassuring that I'm not being selfish.

I genuinely didn't think it would be an issue for him to go alone with the kids. I take them everywhere with me. Including to visit my own I'll relatives in hospital, nursing homes. I'm hardly every without at least one of them and I love my children but I need some space.

I didn't get the opportunity to change my mind as stated previously. If I could get to him now, I would. But I can't.

OP posts:
ChestyNutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 07/12/2016 10:08

Oh dear OP you definitely made the wrong descision today. I'm sure your DH will be incredibly hurt for a while Sad