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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About not visiting the inlaws today?

214 replies

Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 09:21

I am very willing to be told IABU. DH has just made me feel like a right selfish bitch.

Due to visit inlaws today. DH close family member is terminally ill and this is the main reason for the visit.

I asked DH this morning (when bringing the kids down at 5am so he could lie in!) if he would mind me not coming (and he take the DC's) as I cannot really be bothered with the long drive (4+hr round trip) and would really love some me time when I have the opportunity of an empty house for once.
The last time I had some time to myself to just relax in my own home I cannot remember. I regularly take both kids out with me and he get to do as he pleases.

He got upset and said that his day has now been made twice as difficult because of my decision and that he thought his wife would want to support him. Then he cried a bit.

He was also upset that not everything was just ready for him to get up and dressed and go after his lie in this morning (he had to put the nappy bag together whilst I dressed both kids 😕)

So am I being an unsupportive bitch wife?

OP posts:
Scooby20 · 07/12/2016 09:40

Op him not taking the kids out needs tackling. But, you are right, today wasn't the right day.

PurpleDaisies · 07/12/2016 09:41

I didn't deliberately leave it to the last minute. That wasn't intentional at all.

I just really feel like I need some space. I'm never on my own.

I suppose I do feel I don't get enough 'time off' generally. I am a home body and to get any alone time I have to go out. I hate it.

I suppose I just saw this any a good opportunity. 😕

A good opportunity? You made him drive for hours with two small children to see someone who is dying?

If you'd been ill or something that would be different, but "needing space" today is just selfish.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/12/2016 09:41

So he has taken two small children on a four hour round trip to see terminally ill relative, by himself

^ this.

His relative is terminally ill. You 'can't be bothered to go'

You seriously think this is the day to insist you want to have a day to yourself Hmm

mamatiger2016 · 07/12/2016 09:42

YABU

If OH turned round to me on the day we were due to make a long journey to see a terminally I'll relative and said 'I can't be bothered to go, I want some me time' I would be bloody furious.

He needs your support, not to be looking after the kids whilst spending some final time with his relative.

Arrange some time to yourself another day, you're the selfish, childish one

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Soubriquet · 07/12/2016 09:43

Yes yabvu

This is a terminally ill relative

Your Dh has had to take two small children and supervise whilst saying what could be his last goodbyes

You should put your foot down more when he is actually at home and either go out alone or make him take the children out on his own.

ChasedByBees · 07/12/2016 09:45

I think you were wrong to take today as your 'me' time but you need to address the need for time alone more generally with your DH.

Is it too late to join them today?

Ahickiefromkinickie · 07/12/2016 09:47

I think OP is getting a rough time. There's obviously more to it.

I'm guessing gets very little support from her husband and is yet expected to be a tower of support to him.

NoSunNoMoon · 07/12/2016 09:47

How could you not support him when his relative is terminally ill? Selfish doesn't cover it.

YABVU.

Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 09:47

I didn't insist. I asked. He then stropped around got upset and left. He didn't even give me enough time to change my mind and get ready to go with them.

And no, I now won't enjoy today. This is not how I want it to be.

He has made me FEEL like a selfish bitch. He didn't call me a bitch. He would never do that.

Right, so I have been a thoughtless cow. Can I now have ideas on how to resolve please. Sad

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 07/12/2016 09:47

Two issues here: YABU today. He is going to spend time with an ill person who he cares about. He wouldn't even have a chance to talk quietly with them with two children to look after ( if they need dressed, they will need looking after and entertaining) YANBU in expecting your partner to spend time with his children alone and away from the house to bond with them and give you a break. My DH takes dd (3) into town every Sat on the train for brunch and a wander. I get to rio while listening to inappropriate 90s Hip hop and get me to have a quiet lunch and watch junk on TV or whatever. Everyone loves it. Once it is a semi-regular thing, the children will start to ask for it and expect it and it takes on a momentum of its own.

FluffyPersian · 07/12/2016 09:47

It sounds like this is the day you decided to put yourself first, however it turned out to be completely the wrong time to do so?

From your previous posts, it suggests that you do most of the prep with the kids (e.g. your DH was annoyed things weren't magically 'ready' for him after his lie in) and you state that your DH never goes anywhere with the kids.... this is shit in itself as I'd expect him to pull his weight in all areas and give you 'you' time as much as you give him some free time.

Unfortunately sending this message to him when his relative is dying was quite poorly timed so perhaps when he gets back you could apologise but also try and work out a new routine where you get more time to yourself and he pulls his weight with the kids?

AyeAmarok · 07/12/2016 09:48

I understand how you feel, but you picked the complete wrong time to ask for it.

Has your desperation for some time to yourself made you lose perspective perhaps? You've become so focused on wanting some time alone that you can't consider it from anyone else's POV.

thethoughtfox · 07/12/2016 09:48

*iron not Rio ( that would be much better!)

TimeIhadaNameChange · 07/12/2016 09:49

YABU both to him and to your children.

How old are they? I presume young as they're not at school. They're probably not going to want to spend as much time with the ill person as you DH is, especially if they have to be quiet and the ill person is just in one room. And the other people there may not have the emotional strength to look after them just now. Which means that DH's time with his ill relative is going to be affected. I understand why he wanted to take them, but I also understand why he needed you there, to maybe take the kids out for a bit or just distract them.

And that's not taking into account your DH's obvious need for support himself.

You have been incredibly selfish.

And I even agree with him about the nappy bag. Today's going to be very difficult and I suspect his mind is on other things. Ok, he could have done it last night, maybe, but you could have checked it was ready this morning.

Your poor DH. I really hope he hasn't gone already and you can go with him.

Memoires · 07/12/2016 09:50

You do need to talk to him and get times off distributed fairly or you'll just get burned out and his relationship with the children will be zilch. They're going to remember who does everything anyway, so doesn't he want to be part of that or does he just want to be the dad who was never there?

SoberSusan · 07/12/2016 09:51

Sorry but YABU IMO. Wouldnt you want your DH with you if you were visiting a terminally ill relation?

DearMrDilkington · 07/12/2016 09:53

I genuinely thought you must be a troll after your last post, then I searched your username and it's quite clear you aren't.

This is awful. If you want to make it up to him, why don't you make your dh his favourite meal for when he gets home to say sorry?

paap1975 · 07/12/2016 09:54

I can see where you are coming from but you chose the wrong moment. You can see that yourself now.
Say sorry, you can see you made the wrong decision and you regretted it immediately (but too late, as he had left). Give him a chance to talk about how the day has made him feel. When things are less tense discuss how you got to this point and explain your need for some time for yourself.

Tanith · 07/12/2016 09:54

Interesting how some posters think he needs support to look after his own children.

I used to take my own to see a dying close relative an hour and a half's drive away while DH "got on with things here". I coped. Can't understand why this DH shouldn't manage, too.

DearMrDilkington · 07/12/2016 09:55

tanith because different people cope with death in very different ways.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/12/2016 09:55

I think you have a valid point about not having any time to yourself but you really did pick the wrong day to make it.

When visiting my dad was very ill I really did need DH to look after the DC as I wanted to focus on my dad.

I think you will have lost a lot of goodwill with him and you may struggle to get him to agree to a new routine for a while as he could be quite resentful.

crumble82 · 07/12/2016 09:56

YANBU wanting some alone time but I think you picked a really bad day to stand up for yourself.

PurpleDaisies · 07/12/2016 09:56

Right, so I have been a thoughtless cow. Can I now have ideas on how to resolve please.

I'd apologise unreservedly saying you made a bad decision. You need a serious conversation about you having time off from the children but that might be better tomorrow when things are less emotional.

Laiste · 07/12/2016 09:56

Do you drive OP? Have you a car? Can you catch him up?