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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About not visiting the inlaws today?

214 replies

Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 09:21

I am very willing to be told IABU. DH has just made me feel like a right selfish bitch.

Due to visit inlaws today. DH close family member is terminally ill and this is the main reason for the visit.

I asked DH this morning (when bringing the kids down at 5am so he could lie in!) if he would mind me not coming (and he take the DC's) as I cannot really be bothered with the long drive (4+hr round trip) and would really love some me time when I have the opportunity of an empty house for once.
The last time I had some time to myself to just relax in my own home I cannot remember. I regularly take both kids out with me and he get to do as he pleases.

He got upset and said that his day has now been made twice as difficult because of my decision and that he thought his wife would want to support him. Then he cried a bit.

He was also upset that not everything was just ready for him to get up and dressed and go after his lie in this morning (he had to put the nappy bag together whilst I dressed both kids 😕)

So am I being an unsupportive bitch wife?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 11:13

Someone said about reading people emotionally. I'm not sure. Sometimes I struggle with empathy.

Probably has a lot to do with having to repress my emotions as a child, due to my dad not thinking they were valid or some other psychobabble

OP posts:
purplefizz26 · 07/12/2016 11:15

You are being very unreasonable.

Either go with him for support, or keep the kids and let him go alone.

Take a step back and think how YOU would feel if he did this to you.

Fair enough you need some alone time, but why does it have to be today?

shovetheholly · 07/12/2016 11:15

Cutting - It was me who asked. And maybe that's part of the picture here.

But that said, being ignored/neglected/taken for granted can also, in my experience, make you feel less empathetic to someone's struggles. If they don't see you as a person, it can be a real struggle to keep 'seeing' them back.

mikeyssister · 07/12/2016 11:20

Today is not about you and your problems/issues even though they are valid.

So you're in the wrong because:

  1. You should have got up at 5 as your DH has to drive 4 hours with babies in the car, which is extremely stressful even if you are there, and you woke him up to complain to him
  2. Your DH is driving to visit a dying relative and you've left him or someone else who also has a dying relative to mind your children
3 You didn't get the children ready to travel

Have you sent your DH a text to tell him you were wrong and you're really sorry?

mikeyssister · 07/12/2016 11:22

And I know you've accepted you're wrong I just feel that your still trying to justify it.

scallopsrgreat · 07/12/2016 11:24

But that said, being ignored/neglected/taken for granted can also, in my experience, make you feel less empathetic to someone's struggles. If they don't see you as a person, it can be a real struggle to keep 'seeing' them back. Yes this.

Tbh you don't sound like someone who is unempathetic, Cutting (obviously we are only getting a snapshot here). You feel guilty and probably aren't going to have a good day because of it. You regularly allow your DH space and understand his need for that (even though it isn't reciprocated). You clearly have empathy towards your children.

Yes that empathy lacked, somewhat this morning! But it is hard to be empathetic all the time, especially when that empathy isn't reciprocated.

PurpleDaisies · 07/12/2016 11:25

And I know you've accepted you're wrong I just feel that you're still trying to justify it.

What do you want? Blood from the op? Hmm

Clearly there are issues in the relationship that need sorting. While it doesn't excuse today's episode it does make it more understandable.

Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 11:27

How so mikey

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatallama · 07/12/2016 11:32

The OP also wanted to know what she should do now.

shovetheholly · 07/12/2016 11:33

What's done now is done. The best outcome is probably that cutting texts to say sorry, then gets away from this thread (which must be making her miserable), has a rest this afternoon, and prepares him an apology tea this evening. Since the break has been taken, it's senseless not to use it to recover, as that will help with the conversations/ negotiations that have to come.

Whatallama · 07/12/2016 11:36

I'd still get on the train and go. I don't think an apology is enough tbh. This sort of behaviour from my husband would make me rethink our entire relationship sadly.

PurpleDaisies · 07/12/2016 11:36

Right, so I have been a thoughtless cow. Can I now have ideas on how to resolve please. Sad

The op said this ages ago but there are still posters piling on with character assassination and nothing else to say. You think they've all read the thread navy?

Whatallama · 07/12/2016 11:38

The OP doesn't seem to think its a big deal still, which is going to inevitably impact how she tries to resolve things. She can't approach this in a 'but you don't support me' kind of way.

mikeyssister · 07/12/2016 11:38

Because you were saying that you have problems with empathy and that DH is not as emotionally strong as you.

Neither of which is really relevant.

And I'm sorry Purple but there is no excuse in my opinion for what cutting did today (I think I also lack empathy Smile )

PurpleDaisies · 07/12/2016 11:39

And I'm sorry Purple but there is no excuse in my opinion for what cutting did today (I think I also lack empathy smile )

I didn't say it was excusable, just understandable. That's not the same thing at all.

Whatallama · 07/12/2016 11:42

Its understandable to leave your husband in the lurch, and make him visit a dying relative whilst looking after the children? Thats shocking.

Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 11:42

whatallama I don't owe you lot anything in that respect.
You aren't the person I will be apologising to. I do think need to prove the amount of regret I feel to anyone but my DH

OP posts:
Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 11:43

Dont*

OP posts:
mikeyssister · 07/12/2016 11:43

I honestly don't think it's understandable.

OP and DH obviously have issues that need addressing for OPs sake and for the sake of their marriage but today was never ever the time for that.

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatallama · 07/12/2016 11:46

No you don't owe me anything, but you owe your husband your support and apology. As I said, if I was your husband, I'd be rethinking the marriage right now. Marriage is about supporting eachother through good and bad times, sickness and health, and that includes supporting through family illnesses.

Its very easy to just appologise when he gets home, but you've still had your nice day relaxing, and he's still had a really awful day, a lot of which is your own doing. Its going to take more than an apology to resolve this.

mikeyssister · 07/12/2016 11:46

Cutting, have you tried ringing or texting your DH to apologise? I think it's really important that you address this immediately. Personally, I would prefer to text but you know what's right for you.

I think the only way forward is to start with an equivocal apology.

Iknowthisgirlcanx100 · 07/12/2016 11:48

The death of someone close to you is always really difficult. It is a time to stand by each other and support one another. You really don't want to have regrets about the way you responded to a cry for help. This kind of situation can leave resentment and bad feeling that lasts for years.
You are being completely thoughtless and unreasonable. You need to show him that as a decent person you are affected by his struggle to cope with a death in the family.

Original poster
Cuttingthecheese · 07/12/2016 11:49

Mikey no he is driving.

He will let me know when he has arrived and I can call him then.

OP posts:
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