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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say DH can't see his elderly father?

155 replies

Motherfuckers · 03/12/2016 04:54

We live overseas and sadly don't get to see our family as much as we would like. This Christmas I was desperate to come home as we have a new baby in the family, sadly we can't really afford to. My dh travels to Europe frequently. (We are in US) he will be traveling to Germany just before Xmas and would like to pay extra to also visit his family in the UK. I don't normally have a problem with this, I think it makes sense and is nice for his elderly father, however he last visited them in September and I have not seen my family in almost a year. I realize that changing his flight is obviously nowhere near as expensive as flying from the US, but it is still coming from money we could use for a whole family visit. I do not want him to spend the extra to fly to the uk because although I feel really really selfish as his dad is elderly and I want them to spend time together, I miss my family too and want to save up for us all to go. Am I being a selfish arse?

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 03/12/2016 05:02

Do I understand the situation?

You are in the US. You want to save up so you can all go home to see family. DH is travelling to Europe anyway and wants to add on a UK leg so that he can see his dad.

Yes?

If so, although I understand that you want to prioritise saving, I do think YABU, sorry

Original poster
Motherfuckers · 03/12/2016 05:04

Yes, you have understood.
Thank you for your response.

OP posts:
PrincessMoana · 03/12/2016 05:09

I'm in basically the same situation although fortunately we are going home for Christmas. When DH travels to the U.K. On business he always visits his family. They can't afford to come here. My family do visit us here.

I'm almost on the fence on this one but I'm siding on YABU because his dad is elderly and presumably unable to come to the US and he'll be relatively close and he clearly wants to visit him. If something happened to DF before your next visit it could cause a lot of resentment.

You have my abundant sympathy though. I totally understand wanting to save a bit longer and all go. The exchange is in favor of USD at the moment so maybe that will help.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 03/12/2016 05:10

yes YABU.

SlottedSpoon · 03/12/2016 05:11

I think you are a bit, yes. I understand it's difficult missing your family but it sounds as though you don't want him to experience the happiness of seeing his family just because you can't see yours. He is (relatively speaking) so close that it seems like a no brainer to me.

If his father is elderly and your DH is usually in the US then it will be playing on his mind that he should make the most of every opportunity to be with him while he still can.

My SIL lived in the US when one of DHs parents was dying and she couldn't get back in time to say goodbye which is always something she regrets.

Spudlet · 03/12/2016 05:13

How much extra are we talking, and if he didn't visit, would it be weeks, months or years before you could all go?

If it's going to be a long delay I think YABU - you say his DD is elderly, how elderly? Are you potentially taking away DHs chance to see his dad for a last time? If you're talking a visit fairly early next year, perhaps YANBU... perhaps.

KnockMeDown · 03/12/2016 05:14

When are you planning your whole family visit for, and how much will this delay things, in terms of saving up?

Is his father particularly poorly - is it a case of every time might be the last?

But you are coming across a little bit jealous that DH will have seen his father twice and you haven't seen your family at all this year.

Could you pop home by yourself for a quick visit?

Sybys · 03/12/2016 05:16

It comes across a little unreasonable but if you are personally really trying hard to save money and making significant sacrifices, and depending on the cost of DH changing his mind flight, maybe not.

kerryob · 03/12/2016 05:17

The cost of the flight to the UK to Germany shouldn't be a huge and I can understand why your DH is taking the opportunity to see his dad as it would be a short journey and especially if his dad is elderly.

I think it makes sense for him to see his Dad but I think you should make firm plans to see your family as you clearly miss them. Not having any plans must be difficult as you don't know when you are going to see them again. Speak to your DH and look at your household budget so you can start saving to see your family and get it booked! You may have felt differently about his trip if you had plans to see your own family so I think it's important to get that planned asap.

Original poster
Motherfuckers · 03/12/2016 05:17

I hate to be on of those posters that when told they are being unreasonable they come back with a list of buts..... But my mother is also elderly, I haven't seen her in almost a year, my dh saw his father in September, and June/July and March. Sorry for drip feed, I normally have absolutely no problem with him visiting, but we had planned to all go for Xmas, but it is just not possible now. I feel if he didn't go now, we could all go in February/march

OP posts:
KnockMeDown · 03/12/2016 05:20

And if he does go now, when would you all be able to go next?

ChipIn · 03/12/2016 05:24

I do see where you're coming from op but if you had the opportunity to see your family when you're relatively closer than the US, wouldn't you take it? I would. Aren't there some pretty cheap internal Europe flights available? Would it really impact a family trip that much? Surely as a family you can find other things to sacrifice to make up for the cost of a cheap flight.

SlottedSpoon · 03/12/2016 05:25

But the cost of a budget airline flight from Germany to U.K. Is neither here nor there in terms of whether you can all afford to go in Feb is it?

violetbunny · 03/12/2016 05:27

Please don't take this the wrong way OP, but this all sounds quite emotive. Have you actually worked out the cost difference for your partner to visit his family? If it's not much then I think it's quite mean not to let him go while he has the opportunity. If it's so important to you to visit your family soon then can you just travel to see them on your own, rather than trying to save for all of you to go?

InfiniteSheldon · 03/12/2016 05:27

This is tricky but I think Yanbu as he's seen his df three times this year and if it'st money that means you can't go at Xmas? If it's another reason other than finances, then yabu just book to go as soon as you can and he can see his df at Xmas and again when you all go. My ex dh was like this there was always a reason to not do the things the dc and I wanted to do, but those reasons never quite applied to him.

Original poster
Motherfuckers · 03/12/2016 05:29

Surprisingly the change in flight would cost about two thirds of the cost of the flight from the US, as it is Xmas and we would be coming off peak.

OP posts:
waitingforsomething · 03/12/2016 05:30

I also live overseas op, haven't been able to afford a family trip and my inner feelings would be the same on this.
However, unfortunately I think YABU - a budget flight from Germany to the UK for 1 will be fairly cheap compared to an entire family visit from the UK to Europe. If his father is elderly and he has the chance to see him then he should do that.
I hope you can all have a family trip asap.

Original poster
Motherfuckers · 03/12/2016 05:32

It is not just the cost of a budget flight from Germany though, he will still have to come
back to the US so has to change the whole
return portion of the flight.

OP posts:
kerryob · 03/12/2016 05:32

What happened to your Christmas plans?

Original poster
Motherfuckers · 03/12/2016 05:33

Because he will have to extend the trip to visit the UK

OP posts:
ohdearme1958 · 03/12/2016 05:40

Tell your husband it's ok , then tell him there's no need for a family trip home, that he's had his share of the ticket money and you'll now go alone or with the children.

ohdearme1958 · 03/12/2016 05:41

Sorry - if he travels so frequently what does he do with his airmiles?

Original poster
Motherfuckers · 03/12/2016 05:43

Air miles don't pay the taxes

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherfuckers · 03/12/2016 05:44

I did think of that ohdearme, but we rarely go together, I want all of us to go this time

OP posts:
NiceFalafels · 03/12/2016 05:49

As they are elderly it's more important for both of you to see your parents. If that means not going together, so be it. Let DH go. He can let you go alone also.