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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say DH can't see his elderly father?

155 replies

Motherfuckers · 03/12/2016 04:54

We live overseas and sadly don't get to see our family as much as we would like. This Christmas I was desperate to come home as we have a new baby in the family, sadly we can't really afford to. My dh travels to Europe frequently. (We are in US) he will be traveling to Germany just before Xmas and would like to pay extra to also visit his family in the UK. I don't normally have a problem with this, I think it makes sense and is nice for his elderly father, however he last visited them in September and I have not seen my family in almost a year. I realize that changing his flight is obviously nowhere near as expensive as flying from the US, but it is still coming from money we could use for a whole family visit. I do not want him to spend the extra to fly to the uk because although I feel really really selfish as his dad is elderly and I want them to spend time together, I miss my family too and want to save up for us all to go. Am I being a selfish arse?

OP posts:
SpareASquare · 03/12/2016 05:59

Yes, YABU. Your post screams "but it's not fair and if I can't go, you can't either" BUT. I totally understand because it doesn't seem fair. I get it.

He should be able to go though. It is what it is. Maybe you should plan for a trip home by yourself to spend some time with your family.

ohdearme1958 · 03/12/2016 06:11

Air miles don't pay the taxes

I know that but it's still a lot less than the price of a ticket.

NurseRosie · 03/12/2016 06:13

How expensive would it be for your dh to change the flights? Unless it's mega bucks i think you should use every opportunity possible for any of your family to be able to see their UK family. Sorry.
Having lost my Dad very young, I would give anything to see him again and think your husband should make the most of the chance to have family time.
I understand that you would like to see your family too but this seems unrealistic at the moment. Would your dh visit your family for you, just to check on them and give you peace of mind that they are all OK?

Ilovenannyplum · 03/12/2016 06:17

YABU but i understand why you're being unreasonable, I hope you get to see your family soon Flowers

ohdearme1958 · 03/12/2016 06:18

NurseRosie, the OP said 2/3rds the price of a return US - UK flight.

I still think the obvious solution is for the husband to use air miles or pay for the ticket, and for the OP to do the trip alone as her husbands already has his.

Living away and having a businessman in the family can mean that at times we don't always live our ideal. It's just the way it is.

NurseRosie · 03/12/2016 06:24

Oh I missed that.
Is that a possibility? For dh to stay home so you can visit the UK alone?
It is unfair that he gets to visit and you don't at the moment but it's just due to seizing opportunity. How would you feel if the boot was on the other foot and he said no to you visiting your family?

ChipIn · 03/12/2016 06:46

If it's at the expense of you seeing your family, and he has seen his recently, I think it's a unfair of him.

If he wouldn't wait to go as a family I'd be going by myself/ with children and leave DH at home.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 03/12/2016 07:01

Has each of these trips your DH has made included some element of funding from the family pot, or is it just this one ?

SoftSheen · 03/12/2016 07:08

Let him go, on the understanding that saving hard for all of you to visit the UK will now be your top priority, and he may need to make financial sacrifices in other areas.

SouthWindsWesterly · 03/12/2016 07:21

Actually, I think YANBU.

He's seen his family, what, three times in the past year?. And if he forgoes a drop in visit this time, you can all go in March? I'd tell him no this time and also tell him that next business trip, if he wants to see his family he needs to allow for that so it doesn't out another 2/3rds on top of the flight cost. Forward planning and all sorts.

pklme · 03/12/2016 07:23

Explain to him that it feels to you as if every time he visits his dad, it delays your visit to your mum. Work out the actual cost of his visit to his dad. Work out a budget and a savings plan so you can both see the impact of each trip. You might find you don't mind in the end, as it's not making as much differences as you thought. You might find he changes his plans in future, because he sees that it really does make a difference. YANBU to feel sad and disappointed.

cdtaylornats · 03/12/2016 07:25

Think of it the other way - how would you feel if your father was visiting the US but couldn't come to visit you because your Mum said so?

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 03/12/2016 07:29

It's complicated. I would have said YABU until I saw that the flight would be 2/3 of the flight from the US.

Has you husnabc looked into how it vould ge cheaper? Eg keeping his original flight to/fron Germany and then taking a return budget flight from Germany to the UK? That might not be very much, especially if he could leave his case in Germany and just travel to the UK with handluggage.

If you and your dh decide that he shouldn't go this time on the basis that you can all afford to go in February, then you need to be very sure thar you really do go in February. And if you decide, as pp have suggested, that dh should extend his trip from Germany and you should go without him in February, then you will need to split your time betweeen your family and dh's, as they will want to see the grandchildren as well.

I know it's really hard. My PIL live in the USA, and we can't afford to all go. Dh is going next year with ds1 as we can only afford 2 tickets. It means dh and i won't get a holiday together but it means dh gets to see his dad and stepmum, who are in their late 80s. I know it's different to your situation as my parents are in this country, so I can see them regularly, and they are only in their mid 70s. However I have still felt irritated by the prospect of no holiday with dh, but I know I'm unreasonable for feeling so.

I hope you manage to work something out.

Booboostwo · 03/12/2016 07:42

2/3s of the US-UK flight you are saving for is too much money. He should forego this visit and save the money for the family visit in a few months.

ChasedByBees · 03/12/2016 07:46

I think YANBU if the cost is 2/3 of the trip from the US, but you need to sit down with your DH and show him the maths of how this will affect you.

You've not seen your family for a year, that needs to be prioritised.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/12/2016 07:48

So each of the three times this year he's been away on business, he's flown to the uk to see family. Is that correct? In which case yanbu as those 3 and now potentially 4 flights would get you a trip home from the US. If popping over to see his dad frequently is effectively preventing you from seeing your parents, he needs to curtail his visits however unfair it may feel to him.

I also understand you want to go all together. However, I think you should consider grasping the opportunity to go regardless of whether you go as a family or not because you sound like you really need to go home for a while. And if you're not working, make this trip count, perhaps? Many expat women spend a couple of months in their home country on a trip. Perhaps your dh will have a business trip whilst you are there and can join you for a few days iyswim.

Expat life especially when you have children can be tough. Do what is right for you.

MakeItRain · 03/12/2016 07:53

That's really tough, but actually if his lack of planning means the cost is sky high then I think he should wait until you can all go in the spring. He's using family money to pay for a very expensive trip, meaning your own plans are delayed. I thought ywbu until you mentioned the cost due to his last minute decision. That really changes things.
Of course you can argue "what if something happened to his dad?" but it's only 2/3 months to wait, and you could also argue "what if something happened to your parents?"

DinosaursRoar · 03/12/2016 07:59

Look into if it would be possible to get cheap return flights to/from Germany, then he doesn't have to change the expensive return flight from Germany to U.K., but just go back on cheapo flight to Germany then get his normal flight home. (You should be able to get easyJet/Ryanair type flights).

Another thought, could you come to Europe now with him? If work are paying for his flight, then it's only yours that you need to pay for. (Plus his flight to/from Germany). You spend a few days with your family alone then he comes join you from Germany. Annoying you'll have to do the flights alone, but you'll be in the UK together.

greenfolder · 03/12/2016 08:04

Can't he just book his return flight back from Germany a few days later and do a cheapy European flight?

Mix56 · 03/12/2016 08:11

An internal european flight with easyjet will probably add on less than £50.

Headofthehive55 · 03/12/2016 08:11

Part if the deal of living away if think is not stopping him seeing his parents. If something happened between now and March, you would never forgive yourself.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 03/12/2016 08:20

YABU. As PPs have said he doesn't need to change his return flight, he just needs to pay for internal Germany-UK return flights that match up with his existing booking. I don't see how that can cost 2/3 of your trip.
Also if he's desperate to get home (and depending where his father lives in the UK) he could get the train from Germany or get the train to the Netherlands and then a ferry. Although I do think a return flight from Germany to the UK would probably work out cheaper.

alreadytaken · 03/12/2016 08:21

he doesnt have to rebook his entire flight, he can take a cheap return flight from Germany and have a shorter trip. If he is insisting on a 2/3rd flight cost YANBU but if he's prepared for a cheap flight YABU.

What compromises is he making to save for you to visit your family? If he travels a lot can he take a cheaper flight or put his air miles to your trip? What expenditure can he cut for his flight cost? Can you travel alone, instead of a family trip? Time for some compromises from both of you.

DoinItFine · 03/12/2016 08:26

YANBU

Your elderly mother hasn't seen her daughter for over a year because her daughter's husbsndvis spending the entire family travel budget on himself.

AskBasil · 03/12/2016 08:27

I think if it's at the expense of all of you going within a reasonably short time afterwards, then no, yanbu.

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