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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say DH can't see his elderly father?

155 replies

Motherfuckers · 03/12/2016 04:54

We live overseas and sadly don't get to see our family as much as we would like. This Christmas I was desperate to come home as we have a new baby in the family, sadly we can't really afford to. My dh travels to Europe frequently. (We are in US) he will be traveling to Germany just before Xmas and would like to pay extra to also visit his family in the UK. I don't normally have a problem with this, I think it makes sense and is nice for his elderly father, however he last visited them in September and I have not seen my family in almost a year. I realize that changing his flight is obviously nowhere near as expensive as flying from the US, but it is still coming from money we could use for a whole family visit. I do not want him to spend the extra to fly to the uk because although I feel really really selfish as his dad is elderly and I want them to spend time together, I miss my family too and want to save up for us all to go. Am I being a selfish arse?

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 03/12/2016 10:19

They aren't coming to the uk for Christmas though, Olympia

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/12/2016 10:26

How can it be a "whole family visit" if you are not visiting the whole family?

Unless you don't class his side as family?

DoinItFine · 03/12/2016 10:28

Who said the whole family visit wouldn't involve visiting his side of the family?

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/12/2016 10:33

DoinItFine

Unless I have misunderstood the OP doesn't want her DH to visit the UK to visit his father

DailyMailSucksAss · 03/12/2016 10:42

Yabvu. I presume he goes for business and so wants to change the return portion because it's cheaper than a family trip. The 2/3 cost of US flight comment doesn't seem right as flights between ny and london are well over £1k right now. However I've seen 500 returns after christmas from LA and 300 from NY so if you're somewhere in the middle with a bit of saving you could go off-peak.

Tbh this is the life you get when you follow someone overseas (assume this is what you did if not apologies) and if you're not settling maybe you need to go back to the UK

DoinItFine · 03/12/2016 10:49

Basically this will be split between people who think important business men are more important than their subservient wives and peolle who think that you are as important as he is.

Sadly you appear to be married to someone of the former group.

PensionOutOfReach · 03/12/2016 10:50

Daily the OP said The they would be going to the UK off peak at a time when the prices are much cheaper (in February) compare to just before christmas where the prices are at their highest.

From that angle, the 2/3 of the price makes sense TBH.

Why should it be OK to spend all that money for him to go and see his family but it isn't ok to spend a bit more for the whole family (that's him included) to go to the uk to see family (I'm assuming the OP's and his).
Especially if he already has spent money to go and see his father 3 times in the year already?

Cheby · 03/12/2016 10:51

YANBU OP. It's simple really. You have a family trip planned in march. Your DH wants to spend some of that money on himself. That will mean the family holiday can't happen. In what world is OP being unreasonable in saying no?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 03/12/2016 11:07

I understand you being upset, jealous even, BUT it's Christmas. Let him see his elderly dad.

OverTheGardenGate · 03/12/2016 11:16

This is a proper dilemma for you both.
I last saw my father when he was 68, and I didn't know then that
it would be the last time, so I think one should take every available
opportunity to see a DP - which is what your husband wants to do as he will, relatively speaking, be virtually on his father's doorstep.
On the other hand, you haven't seen your mother, but then you haven't had the opportunity to take.

It's a very tricky call but, on balance, I'd agree to him having the visit
because if you call the shots on this you might live to regret it.
There may come a time when you need your DH to be as accommodating on your behalf.

Probably not much help, but it's my genuine opinion.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/12/2016 11:29

DoinItFine

Your prejudice is showing.

If its a trip to see the OP's family fine, but this isn't the "whole family".

DailyMailSucksAss · 03/12/2016 11:36

But she wouldn't be seeing his side in the family trip, just hers.

Inertia · 03/12/2016 11:41

Doinitfine and also those who believe that visiting elderly fathers for what may be the last time is 4 times more important than visiting elderly mothers for what may be the last time.

DinosaursRoar · 03/12/2016 11:44

The 2/3s is probably because rather than buying a return flight US & Germany, he's getting a flight to Germany, germany to U.K., U.K. To US, so 3 separate flights, its often considerably more to do 2 separate one way flights than return flights. It might be a lot cheaper to keep a return flight to Germany and then a separate Germany/UK flight, it'll just be more faff for him. It might also be best for the dad to go to Germany if he's well enough to fly!

I can see why you are upset, but try to find cheaper options yourself before completely dismissing the trip.

HubrisComicGhoul · 03/12/2016 11:49

I want to make sure I've got this right, your DH uses family money on a regular basis to visit his father and as a result this limits your ability to see your side of the family?

If this is right your DH is being a selfish twat. Sorry, you shouldn't have to tell him not to spend family money on himself to the detriment of the rest of the family and if he was a reasonable human being he wouldn't put you in the position of having to explain this to him.

DoinItFine · 03/12/2016 12:03

If 2/3rds of the price of a return fare is available to see an elderly parent before Christmas, you should get it to visit your mother.

You haven't seen her for almost a year.

mygrandchildrenrock · 03/12/2016 12:20

I'm in the YABU camp. Can your husband return to the US from Germany and just get either a cheap return flight from Germany to England or go by rail. That would work out cheaper than changing his return ticket from England to the US.
I say this as someone who used to live in the Caribbean and it was rare for all the family to come back to England at the same time.

Sprinklestar · 03/12/2016 12:33

I'm British but live in the US. It's a long way from home. Just go and take the kids. Or go and leave the kids with your DH. Why are you in the US? For his job? I wouldn't be dictated to by anyone! I bet DH has it nice and easy when he's away, sure, he's working but no doubt gets a good sleep at night. You're at home with the kids and he can just swan about and extend trips silly nilly whilst you hold the fort? Not in my world! I've been to the UK alone multiple times since we moved here, with and without children. It was part of the deal when we agreed to move here for DH's job. No one has the right to tell you you can't see your mum for a year, least of all your husband!

ohdearme1958 · 03/12/2016 15:56

'Whole Family' is the OP and her husband and any children they have.

OlennasWimple · 03/12/2016 16:50

Coming back to the thread, I've just seen the OP's updates on the cost etc.

If it is possible to pop over to England for a couple of hundred £, then I stand by my initial YABU. If it's a question of lots of £££s then that tips me firmly into YANBU and you would be better putting the money towards flights in February for the whole family. Which airport do you fly from in the US? Norwegian Air is extending its routes all the time, and Wow and Icelandair both also offer some amazing deals sometimes

MissVictoria · 03/12/2016 16:58

My dad is going to Germany on Wednesday, its a £40 flight, then a £40 flight back on Friday. surely the cost of changing the return flight to US isn't that expensive if theres notice so they can resell the original seat still?
If the cost of the flight change and added flight to uk is around or less than about £200 i think you are being unreasonable. If it's going to be the best part of about £500 though he should wait.

kittykarate · 03/12/2016 18:19

The cost to change a flight can be really variable, it depends on the type of ticket originally purchased. So even with economy fares there are different types, some which you can change for a nominal fee, some which you can change for a couple of hundred and the cheapest economy tickets which if you need to change are basically going to charge you almost the same price of your original ticket. My company always books the cheapest tickets where possible so there's hardly any way to change them cheaply.

humphreyandlinnea · 03/12/2016 18:22

YANBU

KatherinaMinola · 03/12/2016 18:43

*It would be reasonable for him to do a very low cost return flight to the UK if his company pay the return travel to and from Germany.

It's completely unreasonable for him to keep spending the family travel savings on high-cost flights for himself.*

This. I did think YWB a bit U until I read how costly it would be and how it would impact your ability to go as a family.

Is there any way he could do an overnight trip to the UK in the middle of his business trip? Or is it just a few days he's going for?

GwendolineLacey · 03/12/2016 18:44

If you are actually, definitely going to be able to get home in February or March & your husband visiting home now is the difference between making that trip yourself or not then YNBU. If your family trip home is more like one of those fantasies that people use to get them through rubbish times and it's not actually going to happen and you're just, understandably, sad & jealous then YABU. The priority should be you both getting home, and without you having to womanhandle all your kids through Transatlantic flights on your toblerone. But only if you, as a family, are definitely going to be going home soon, if holidays and money actually do allow for that.

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