Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say DH can't see his elderly father?

155 replies

Motherfuckers · 03/12/2016 04:54

We live overseas and sadly don't get to see our family as much as we would like. This Christmas I was desperate to come home as we have a new baby in the family, sadly we can't really afford to. My dh travels to Europe frequently. (We are in US) he will be traveling to Germany just before Xmas and would like to pay extra to also visit his family in the UK. I don't normally have a problem with this, I think it makes sense and is nice for his elderly father, however he last visited them in September and I have not seen my family in almost a year. I realize that changing his flight is obviously nowhere near as expensive as flying from the US, but it is still coming from money we could use for a whole family visit. I do not want him to spend the extra to fly to the uk because although I feel really really selfish as his dad is elderly and I want them to spend time together, I miss my family too and want to save up for us all to go. Am I being a selfish arse?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/12/2016 18:46

With the costs involved I think the priority should be you returning to the UK to visit your family. It's not just a little bit extra - also presumably he's using up annual leave, so it's a lot of £ for a couple of days visit.

Original poster
Motherfuckers · 04/12/2016 06:10

Thank you for all your responses, I will try and answer a few questions. Sorry if I invariably miss some, when we come in the new year we will be visiting both sides of the family, as we always do. This trip is very very tight and it is only booked for the days he will be working, flights from Germany to UK can be very cheap, but changing the US leg is not at this time of year. I think those posters who say I am jealous are absolutely spot on, yes I am. He is generally not selfish, but his job does allow a lot of travel and he does generally visit family whenever he is remotely near. Thankfully his father is not ill, and neither is my mother.

OP posts:
Shadowboy · 04/12/2016 06:49

If his father passed away between now and Feb when you planned to visit and you had prevented him from seeing his father- how would you feel?

Let him go- life is too short and family is important.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2016 06:53

Can you have an extended trip when you visit your family? Are you working?

I suggested upthread that you visit for a while and dh joined you whilst on one of his business trips. If it were possible to plan this in advance, he could use holiday days whilst in the U.K. and only pay for the return Germany ticket.

If the trips to see his father are that fleeting and so costly, he's being really unreasonable. Unless the trips are sprung on him, he could plan all of this a lot better. You shouldn't be prevented from seeing your family because of this lack of planning and organisation.

MrsPeelyWally · 04/12/2016 06:57

OP why can't he do Germany - Uk - Germany then back to the states from Germany?

HaveNoSocks · 04/12/2016 07:01

I would budget an exact amount to save per month towards the entire family visit. If your DH can afford the extra trip on top of that he should be able to go.

MissMargie · 04/12/2016 07:10

Is the new baby yours?
How many DCs do you have?
I would go for a long stay in Feb as the flights are cheaper then (though not a great holidaying time of year)
And leave him home. He won't have much leave so better you go for a month or so on your own.

Original poster
Motherfuckers · 04/12/2016 07:28

But his visit may be preventing me from seeing my family Shadowboy.
mummy I think it is his lack of forward planning that pisses me off the most, a detour from Germany shouldn't be too costly, and probably wouldn't have been if he had planned earlier. This trip was sprung on him last minute, so out of his control, but every other trip has been planned in advance, but he doesn't book the trips home until the last minute.
MrsPeely that is wat makes this trip expensive, it is xmas and the extra time adds considerably more to the price.
Miss margie not my baby, a niece I haven't yet met. He is working in the UK in feb, so we are all planning on coming then.

OP posts:
MrsPeelyWally · 04/12/2016 07:34

OP so he would be paying a change of date penalty plus the Germany - Uk - Germany flight?

Air miles? What would the tax be like?

Or how about your FIL goes to visit him in Germany for a day or two?

Original poster
Motherfuckers · 04/12/2016 07:38

FIL can't travel. Yes, he woud pay the change of flight, plus difference in fare for flight back to US. Plus return Germany to London.

OP posts:
regularbutpanickingabit · 04/12/2016 07:47

Ok, could he stick to the same return ticket from the us to Germany but buy a separate cheap return from Germany to the U.K.? Within the same time fram? Even if that means only seeing his dad for a day?

Original poster
Motherfuckers · 04/12/2016 07:50

Not within the same timeframe unfortunately. He literally is only in Germany the days he is working.

OP posts:
MrsPeelyWally · 04/12/2016 07:52

OP - air miles?

Or canceling the whole trip, paying a penalty to the airline, and making the booking all over again to include the UK

Penhacked · 04/12/2016 07:53

Yanbu.I would try to take the emotion out unlike everyone who likes to say 'what if he died'. I would calculate the cost of the Uk travel leg including trains etc, and see how much that was taking. Then take the price of all of you to go to the Uk. I think this individual trip would need to be 10% or less than the total of your family trip for it to feel fair. Then I would take advantage of not working and go go for a month or so when kids are not at School

Original poster
Motherfuckers · 04/12/2016 07:56

That is kind of what I have done, I haven't ruled it out, I just know that at this time of year it will be expensive. (which is why he has gone 4 other times this year!!!) I can't go for a month because I work.

OP posts:
Penhacked · 04/12/2016 07:58

You have to think his advantage is work Travel. Yours is time to stay a while, so make it work for you as well!

Bluntness100 · 04/12/2016 07:58

Hmmm, will you still be able to go in Feb if he does this? If by doing it it means the trip on Feb is cancelled for no other reason than he did this, then yes he shouldn't do it. If you can go ahead, no it's not reasonable to stop him going.

Penhacked · 04/12/2016 07:59

Ah feck, you work! Shame! In that case, you are stuck with short holidays. I would be more worried about him using holiday time..

MrsPeelyWally · 04/12/2016 08:01

OP, again, what about Air Miles?

Original poster
Motherfuckers · 04/12/2016 08:03

He has shit tons of holiday Grin me not so much. I am just pissed that he will do this at the last minute again, which will be the 5th time in a year. I haven't actually seen my family in almost a year, so I really think he should save every penny, so that I could go more frequently.

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 04/12/2016 08:04

On the fence here see both sides.
I think you need to sit down with him and make sure he knows how much you want to see your family and plan accordingly as a family. If he's seem his 3 times in the last year then it's definitely your "turn" so to speak so perhaps indeed he needs to not do the side trip from germany - presumably that would also impact on annual leave as well as finances.
Assume if you visit your family he can see his at that point too i.e. Similar part of the country?

Original poster
Motherfuckers · 04/12/2016 08:05

Air miles are quite poor really. Yes he could use them for him for the 5th time, or towards the kids for the first time?

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherfuckers · 04/12/2016 08:07

We always see both sides of the family when we go en masse. I also see his side when I go alone. He only sees his side when he goes alone.

OP posts:
Mintychoc1 · 04/12/2016 08:15

This sounds very sad. I don't know your circumstances but I think I'd be looking at my life in the US, and whether it was really worth it staying there. Often people work abroad because they can earn lots if money, but that clearly isn't the case for you if you haven't been able to afford a trip home in a year.

MrsPeelyWally · 04/12/2016 08:19

So if he used his airmiles for previous trips this would be his first trip where he might pay for his tickets. Not that it makes much difference. The fact is that he's pulling a fast one with another unplanned stop on his journey - though I do understand how it is when people know you're a few hours away by air, rather than your normal 9 for eh, and they think nipping over is nothing.

My husband was a businessman and every time he was in the UK he'd have to visit my granny no matter where in the U.K. he was.

Swipe left for the next trending thread