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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say DH can't see his elderly father?

155 replies

Motherfuckers · 03/12/2016 04:54

We live overseas and sadly don't get to see our family as much as we would like. This Christmas I was desperate to come home as we have a new baby in the family, sadly we can't really afford to. My dh travels to Europe frequently. (We are in US) he will be traveling to Germany just before Xmas and would like to pay extra to also visit his family in the UK. I don't normally have a problem with this, I think it makes sense and is nice for his elderly father, however he last visited them in September and I have not seen my family in almost a year. I realize that changing his flight is obviously nowhere near as expensive as flying from the US, but it is still coming from money we could use for a whole family visit. I do not want him to spend the extra to fly to the uk because although I feel really really selfish as his dad is elderly and I want them to spend time together, I miss my family too and want to save up for us all to go. Am I being a selfish arse?

OP posts:

DoinItFine · 03/12/2016 08:28

Also you are not saying he can't see his elderly father.

Who has characterised your refusal of his attempt to grab more than his sharevof the travel budget in that way?

Really he is saying that he is more important than you and that it is fine for him tonstop you seekng your mother.

crazyoldc4tlady · 03/12/2016 08:32

I understand why you feel about it that way but YABU. the extra leg will cost very little.

if you cannot afford a family trip to see your family, can you go on your own? DH and I have similar circumstances location wise with our parents. Going together is way to expensive so we tend to go on our own to see our elderly parents.

DoinItFine · 03/12/2016 08:35

The cost of his plan is 2/3s the cost of a return flight from the US to the UK.

He is not making a cheap, convenient trip home.

He is taking the piss.

WinterIsHereJon · 03/12/2016 08:35

Presumably his current flights are booked to allow him to complete his work there abs no more? I used to book flights in a previous job and, unless it was quite a long trip, we didn't allow extra days for our employees to spend as they wished! So I doubt the cheap return idea is feasible.

Branleuse · 03/12/2016 08:35

YANBU, hes taking the piss if the cost of all this is preventing you going home

BakeOffBiscuits · 03/12/2016 08:47

I first thought you were unreasonable but if the costs are so much, YANBU.

He's already seen his family 3 times this year so your family visit should be priority.

Inertia · 03/12/2016 08:47

It would be reasonable for him to do a very low cost return flight to the UK if his company pay the return travel to and from Germany.

It's completely unreasonable for him to keep spending the family travel savings on high-cost flights for himself.

mickeysminnie · 03/12/2016 09:01

Could his father visit him in Germany?

MrsMozart · 03/12/2016 09:05

YANBU

FantasticButtocks · 03/12/2016 09:12

As both yours and his parents are elderly, I think you need to find a way to both visit whenever you possibly can, as they wont last forever. Instead of stopping him from adding on a visit to his father, is there a way you could both put your heads together her to get hold of some more money? Sell something? Extra work? Because in the end, you both will want to feel that you have each done as much as possible to make as many family visits possible for each of you. Once they've died, you don't want to be blaming each other for preventing those visits. Perhaps there are things you would both be willing to give up in order to top up the family travel pot?

DoinItFine · 03/12/2016 09:22

Yes, magic up some money so your husband's greed won't continue to prevent youbfrom visiting your own elderly mother

MariePoppins · 03/12/2016 09:24

Seeing that he will have to pay 2/3 of the price for a flight for you to the UK, YANBU.
Because if your DH does, it means he is prioritising his dad over your family.
And it so happens he has seen him several times this year (I assume that he still had to pay extra every time too?) and you haven't seen your mum, who is equally elderly.

You shouldn't be in a situation where most of the travelling budget is spend on him going to see his dad 'because he is close by/already in europe' whilst you can't go and see your own family 'because it's too expensive'.

Plenty of talking to do IMO about budgets etc...

Serin · 03/12/2016 09:24

YANBU

Hope you get to see your Mum soon.

HairyScaryMonster · 03/12/2016 09:24

If it was £100/200 I'd say YABU but for that amount def yanbu.

MariePoppins · 03/12/2016 09:26

Mix re cost of flights within Europe.
It depends A LOT of when. You are travelling (we are in the middle of the high season, European Christmas markets etcetc) and where you are travelling few flights at this time of the yea r if you aren't around London).

When I have wanted to travel at this time the year, it has always costed me much much more than £50!

WingedSloath · 03/12/2016 09:39

It's the convenience of being a couple of hours away from his Father whilst in Germany rather than 7-9 hours away depending where you are in the US.

YABU, if his Father dies before you get a chance to go as a family how will you feel and how will your Dh feel? If you were on business and that close to the UK would you not want that opportunity to see your Mum?

This isn't about how many times he has seen his Father. As a parent I would hate for my DIL to dictate how often my child came to see me.

I would look at keeping the flight back from Germany and flying into the UK to see his Father then back to Germany for the return leg and see if there is a cheaper way to do it.

If you really want something, you find a way.

MariePoppins · 03/12/2016 09:42

But what about if the mother of the OP dies and she hasn't been able to see at allfor a year??? How will she feel?

Unfortunately, when you are travelling a lot like the DH is doing, you WILL be going close to where your family is wo being able to go and see them.
It's normal and par of the course TBH. He can't expect to go and see him each time he is closer and then expect the OP to not see her own family because there is no money left.

The DH has seen his dad 3 or 4 times already this year, more than a lot of people in the UK who leave on the opposite side of the country.
The OP hasn't.
She should take priority this time.

MariePoppins · 03/12/2016 09:44

Actually I do have another question for the OP.

Whe your DH goes to see his dad, this will take time, a few days. Is that time coming out of his holiday allowances? And how much holidays are then still left for the family as such?
I know that in the US, people have very little holiday each year too so it made me wondering....

DailyCRAPMail · 03/12/2016 09:45

Have you both carefully examined the costs? If it really is 2/3 the cost of a trip to the U.K. in February then I think you have a point.

It might be cheaper to pay for the date of his resisting return ticket (Germany - US) to be changed and then get a cheap Germany - UK return.

However, I understand that might not be possible and that there aren't always cheap tickets available.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 03/12/2016 09:47

i don't know...

Sorry op, things sound tough at the moment

Finola1step · 03/12/2016 09:47

I think he should look for a low cost return flight so that he can still fly in and out of Germany on the company paid flight. If he can't find such a deal, no UK trip.

DoinItFine · 03/12/2016 09:53

If you really want something, you find a way.

Yes, because there are no limits on either miney or time.

The "way" that is being found for this man to do what he really wants is for him to prevent his wife visiting her mother for over a year.

You can onky think his plan is fair if yiu believe men visiting their fathers id 4 times as important as women visiting their mothers.

Gazelda · 03/12/2016 10:02

Does FIL have any other family? Does your DM?
I'm thinking about it from their perspective - if your FIL has no-one else and knows that his DS was a short flight away but didn't visit, then I think he'd be rightly hurt.

Likewise, if your DM has no-one else but knows that your DH's trips to se his DF are lengetheningnthe gap between your visits, then she'd be rightly hurt.
Do either of them have issues that need your help in sorting - health, finances, POA etc?

WinnieFosterTether · 03/12/2016 10:03

But no one is saying his need is most important. OP is setting a condition that the entire family go to visit her DM. Of course, that puts costs up. Her DH seems to be setting a condition that he needs to fly direct from the UK. That's nonsensical when his company are paying for flights to and from Germany.
Posters are suggesting there are different options available that may make it more affordable and viable for both of them to see their parents.

Olympiathequeen · 03/12/2016 10:11

If you are coming to the UK for Christmas surely he can see his DF then too? Why add a costly journey when he will see him soon anyway? Unless he is ill of course, that would change things.

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