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AIBU?

AIBU to say DH can't see his elderly father?

155 replies

Motherfuckers · 03/12/2016 04:54

We live overseas and sadly don't get to see our family as much as we would like. This Christmas I was desperate to come home as we have a new baby in the family, sadly we can't really afford to. My dh travels to Europe frequently. (We are in US) he will be traveling to Germany just before Xmas and would like to pay extra to also visit his family in the UK. I don't normally have a problem with this, I think it makes sense and is nice for his elderly father, however he last visited them in September and I have not seen my family in almost a year. I realize that changing his flight is obviously nowhere near as expensive as flying from the US, but it is still coming from money we could use for a whole family visit. I do not want him to spend the extra to fly to the uk because although I feel really really selfish as his dad is elderly and I want them to spend time together, I miss my family too and want to save up for us all to go. Am I being a selfish arse?

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Leanin15yearsmaybe · 04/12/2016 08:20

Yanbu. I'm annoyed at him on your behalf! Him: 4 visits You: 0 FFS!! He needs to stop putting himself first and think of you/your needs for a change!

MrsPeelyWally · 04/12/2016 08:22

This sounds very sad. I don't know your circumstances but I think I'd be looking at my life in the US, and whether it was really worth it staying there. Often people work abroad because they can earn lots if money, but that clearly isn't the case for you if you haven't been able to afford a trip home in a year

I didn't want to suggest anything like the above but I have wondered if it's a husband problem you have and not just a ticket one. He just seems very entitled but I am prepared to be told I'm being ridiculous.

iisme · 04/12/2016 08:22

I can't believe people are saying YABU! Of course you are not being unreasonable to want to prioritise family money on you all seeing both sets of family rather than him alone seeing his family - especially when he gets to do this so much more than you.

I think you picked the wrong title - it sounds like YABVU and you have to read several of your updates to realise that you really aren't BU. So I wouldn't take negative comments too much to heart.

mathanxiety · 04/12/2016 08:24

I am just pissed that he will do this at the last minute again, which will be the 5th time in a year. I haven't actually seen my family in almost a year, so I really think he should save every penny, so that I could go more frequently.

YANBU.
He decides to tack on a trip to the UK at the last minute every single time?
He is being gobsmackingly selfish.
He is pissing money away that could be used to save for several family trips home for you.

You and your mother deserve consideration from him and you are getting none.

mathanxiety · 04/12/2016 08:25

YYY to MrsPeelyWally.
Entitlement is exactly the word.

StealthPolarBear · 04/12/2016 08:44

Does he know how you feel about this?

StealthPolarBear · 04/12/2016 08:45

Whose job did you move over for?

DoinItFine · 04/12/2016 08:46

HE is the one saying YOU can't see your elderly mother.

He is planning to take money put aside for that purpose and spend it on himself.

What he is suggesting is outrageously unfair.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/12/2016 08:48

Just to throw in another thought, I'm wondering if DH's frequent visits are creating an expectation that he'll always be able to visit numerous times a year? That's fine as long as it works for you all, but once used to regular visits, senior folk can sometimes react badly if for any reason they become less

Also wondering if it really would be impossible for FIL to travel himself? After all, I believe you said he isn't ill ...?

Headofthehive55 · 04/12/2016 09:03

Id be re looking at the decision to emigrate. It has costs, seeing family is one of those costs.

SallyGinnamon · 04/12/2016 09:03

Also wondering if it really would be impossible for FIL to travel himself? After all, I believe you said he isn't ill ...?

Have you seen the costs of insurance for elderly people visiting the US? Totally prohibitive for my PIL now they're in their 70s.

Headofthehive55 · 04/12/2016 09:08

If he is working in the uk in Feb when you are coming across, isn't his work paying for his fare then? I think it's just one of the perks of his job really.

MrsPeelyWally · 04/12/2016 09:09

Just to throw in another thought, I'm wondering if DH's frequent visits are creating an expectation that he'll always be able to visit numerous times a year?

This is what I thought further up.

Also if FIL isn't ill why can't he travel?

MrsPeelyWally · 04/12/2016 09:10

Have you seen the costs of insurance for elderly people visiting the US? Totally prohibitive for my PIL now they're in their 70s

He'd be going to Germany.

DoinItFine · 04/12/2016 09:10

It might well be worth rethinking your decision to emigrate now that you know your husband will prevent you from visiting your elderly mother.

In the short term, you need to insist that he doesn't touch the savings put aside for your next annual visit.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/12/2016 09:11

My fault for not making myself clear, Borders. I was really thinking of the logistics of the FIL travelling from his home to wherever his son's staying in europe ...

DoinItFine · 04/12/2016 09:12

One of the perks of his job is that he gets to stop his wife seeing her elderly mother?

It's amazing the "perks" some people are happy to assign to men.

TataEs · 04/12/2016 09:20

i don't think yabu

i read some of the thread
seems that changing the flight would cost 2 thirds of new flight, and that saving that could mean a family trip in the next 3-4months, where both sets of family could be visited.

at the moment he wants to visit his family again, because work presented an opportunity to be closer, this will not happen for you as you don't have a job that presents that sort of opportunity, so you are entirely reliant on the family savings to be able to visit your family.

he wants to use money from the savings towards the original family trip planned at xmas to do this. pushing your family trip back, possibly to the september (as flights get more expensive towards and during the summer so you would either need to save more or wait til after the holidays) where it will be nearly 2 years before you see your own elderly mum? whilst i assume he will be presented with further opportunities to be in europe and may wish to do the same again, once or even twice more, delaying your family trip further.

i cannot see how anyone thinks this is reasonable at all.

Babypassport · 04/12/2016 09:34

I've been swithering a lot as I have read this thread, but essentially I think YANBU in wanting him to wait a couple of months, given the extortionate cost of the flight changes.

And I wish people would stop men-bashing as soon as a man makes a thoughtless decision. I doubt he's doing it on purpose. Women are just as capable of being thoughtless as men are.

honeylulu · 04/12/2016 09:37

I started off thinking YBU but now I've read the full thread I have changed my mind! Especially the but about lack of forward planning meaning he usually ends up paying a fortune to tack on a UK visit, which obviously will eat into your family funds/chance of a trip.
I'm also annoyed he doesn't return the courtesy of you visiting his family (even when you travel alone) by not bothering to see yours.
My question is, if you were to say you didn't want him to visit the UK this time, would he just ignore you and do it anyway? It sounds like he might.

DiegeticMuch · 04/12/2016 09:46

I thought YABU until I saw that he'd seen his dad several times this year already. Whilst it makes sense in theory to hop over to the UK from Germany, and his dad might be half-expecting him to do so, he needs to accept that it's unaffordable.

Is his dad physically/financially able to go to Germany for a few nights to coincide with the business visit? They could meet up in the evenings.

StealthPolarBear · 09/12/2016 09:34

What did you decide op

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EleanorRigby123 · 09/12/2016 09:40

Flights to UK from Germany are very cheap - less than £30 on Ryanair for example - and not much more on BA and Lufthansa if you take an early flight.
YABU

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 09/12/2016 20:24

Is there a reason why your FIL or your mother can't visit you in be States? My mum is in her 70s and goes to Australia most years. My PiL live in the States and used to come over to the UK most years until.a couple of years ago, and they are 85 and 83.

This thread has prompted me to badger DH to book flights for himself and ds1 to go to see his dad and stepmum in USA next year. They have just booked flights for £450 each. Maybe your mum could get a similar flight out to see you? Insurance shouldn't be too much if she shops around. My mum has had quadruple heart surgery and cancer but still gets reasonably priced insurance.

Hope it all works out for you OP.

allowlsthinkalot · 09/12/2016 20:51

Haven't rtft but surely he doesn't need to change his original ticket? He could book a budget return from Germany to UK and back. Then fly back to the US from Germany as planned?

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