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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you find monogamy/fidelity difficult?

215 replies

EatMeKeepMe · 19/10/2016 10:21

If you're in love/with "the one", and have been with them long term, do you find it challenging to stay monogamous?

My DH (been together 14 years, have kids, etc) is my absolute best friend and soul mate, and I really fancy him. But there are still times when it's really hard not to take opportunities with other people. I never would, but it makes me wonder: is it always hard to behave yourself in long term relationships? Or is it effortless for some people? If you find it effortless, is this because of something you've done (chastity belt?), or has it always come naturally to you?

OP posts:
Original poster
EatMeKeepMe · 19/10/2016 10:22

God, reading that back it sounds like the inane musings of Carrie Bradshaw. Apologies.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 19/10/2016 10:23

I don't get 'opportunities' Grin

I wouldn't want sex with anyone else though.

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 19/10/2016 10:23

Its relatively simple not to get into situations where the 'opportunity' would arise tbh.

Develop feelings for someone? Avoid them
Know someone fancies you? Cut them off
Getting drunk and being a shit? Stop drinking
So on and so on

MissBattleaxe · 19/10/2016 10:24

No. I find it easy. I know the grass isn't greener anywhere else. I had several relationships before DH and I'm certain I couldn't do better. Also I really love him and would be lost without him.

Sparklesilverglitter · 19/10/2016 10:26

I've been with DH for 19 years and I've never struggled to be faithful.

Yes I've been attracted to other men, of course I have but I am married to a man I love so it's only ever been a "yes x is an attractive guy" and that's been the end of it

Original poster
EatMeKeepMe · 19/10/2016 10:26

I disagree that it's always easy, Pinkie. It really depends on so many factors in how your life is.

OP posts:
Ghostsandpumpkins · 19/10/2016 10:28

I've been with DH 26 years and I've never struggled

Yes I've been attracted to other men, I often see a guy walk past or in a bar and I think "yes his a good looking guy" but it's just a bit of window shopping.

ToastDemon · 19/10/2016 10:29

No never found it difficult with DH. Eight years and never so much as looked.
Previous partners, I struggled a bit more. But what I have now feels complete.

Pumpkintoffeeapple · 19/10/2016 10:29

I've been with DH 10 years and I have never struggled with being faithful

I like pp have of course been attracted to other men, I'm only human but I have never had feelings for anyone else and I've never been tempted to cheat

Original poster
EatMeKeepMe · 19/10/2016 10:30

Interesting. Maybe I'm more of a wanton floozy by nature than I care to admit Grin

OP posts:
FuzzyBadger · 19/10/2016 10:30

How do these 'opportunities' come about? That might be helpful to know.

isthismylifenow · 19/10/2016 10:30

I didn't, my stbx did. Hmm

My opinion on this subject has changed somewhat in the past year though. I think a lot more people than I realized, find it difficult to stay faithful. Just going on experiences I have had in the past year.

AchingBack · 19/10/2016 10:32

I've only been with dh for 7 years but haven't struggled at all. Since being with him I don't really notice other guys at all other than in the way I'd notice another woman to smile at or pass small talk with.

user1476869312 · 19/10/2016 10:33

I don't engage in monogamous relationships in the first place. Monogamy's just another fetish, and it happens not to be one of mine.
The cultural insistence on its superiority is quite damaging, actually. It works well enough for some people but makes a lot of others miserable.

someonestolemynick · 19/10/2016 10:33

I don't know if it's difficult. I am in a "love of my life" relationship but we have decided to have an open relationship.
It's not for everyone because it only works if it's what both partners want and you both make your boundaries clear.
Here's the thing though, a lot of it is "knowing that you could" and I only have sex outside of my relationship very rarely.

badabing36 · 19/10/2016 10:34

Nope. Don't find it difficult. Don't get opportunities and don't want them.

How do you get opportunities? Do you flirt? Go out on girls nights and 'forget' you wedding ring?

Ilovepolos · 19/10/2016 10:35

In my first proper relationship I did struggle (although I never cheated) but looking back now I think I struggled because I wasn't really happy with him.

I've been with my DH 14 years now and I don't struggle, I've never been tempted to cheat, I don't think about other men.
I can still admire a good looking man, but in a window shopping have a good look kind of way.

If I am approached by a man in a bar for example, I just say thanks for the drink offer but I'm married and it ends there

RomanticWalksToTheFridge · 19/10/2016 10:35

I have been with DH for 12 years, and find it easy to be monogamous. I have always had quite a monogamous nature though. I like sex, but like it with someone I love. Basically though, there are not that many people I fancy. I can admire other men, but acting on it (assuming they would take me up on it!) just is not of interest to me.

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 19/10/2016 10:38

Nope, it is always easy.

There is a point, every. Single. Time.
Where you know you're doing something you shouldn't. If you continue, then you're a cunt.

Its not even the point where ypou drop trousers either. Its that point where you may just think a person is an 'opportunity' but you continue to see that person.

It can be as subtle as:
"I really fancy them, should I speak to them, probably not, but I will"

As soon as that point is broken, the moment you delete a message in case your OH finds it, the second you 'hope OH doesn't t find out', you've gone too far.

There is always that point and its not difficult to choose not to cross it.

Original poster
EatMeKeepMe · 19/10/2016 10:39

I suspect you and I see the whole world in quite different ways, Pinkie.

OP posts:
Original poster
EatMeKeepMe · 19/10/2016 10:40

As is probably usually the case, the answer to the "where are these opportunities?" question is: work.

OP posts:
YelloDraw · 19/10/2016 10:41

I find it really easy - there has hardly ever been anyone I have fancied and so when I'm with someone I have chosen I'm into them in a BIG way and not at all interested in other people. In fact I find it excruciating when other people show an interest in me.

BastardGoDarkly · 19/10/2016 10:41

Opportunities for sex at work? Do you make it clear every step of the way you're unavailable?

Sparklesilverglitter · 19/10/2016 10:44

You avoid the "opportunities" for sex at work by saying you are married and therefore unavailable, Is it really that difficult?

To me it's quite simple if you love and are happy with your DH your ARE unavailable and that should be made clear

WearingFuckMeSocks · 19/10/2016 10:46

My partner of 2 years and I have a monogamish relationship. There are lots of variations on the theme, but in our case we generally only have sex with each other but are free to have sex with other people sometimes, provided it's with the other's knowledge.

There is a fabulous book on the subject "Sex at Dawn" which is a brilliantly entertaining discussion of the evolution of human sexuality. In a nutshell, the authors argue that we haven't evolved to be monogamous and have only been attempting monogamy since the advent of agriculture around 10,000 years ago, which in evolutionary terms is a very short timeframe. Sexually we are much more akin to our closest cousins, bonobos, who are not remotely monogamous.