Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you find monogamy/fidelity difficult?

215 replies

EatMeKeepMe · 19/10/2016 10:21

If you're in love/with "the one", and have been with them long term, do you find it challenging to stay monogamous?

My DH (been together 14 years, have kids, etc) is my absolute best friend and soul mate, and I really fancy him. But there are still times when it's really hard not to take opportunities with other people. I never would, but it makes me wonder: is it always hard to behave yourself in long term relationships? Or is it effortless for some people? If you find it effortless, is this because of something you've done (chastity belt?), or has it always come naturally to you?

OP posts:
Maybeitsthered · 19/10/2016 10:46

I struggle with it. Which is why I'm single.

I don't believe humans are naturally monogamous and (this won't go down well) I really don't believe that men are supposed to stay with one woman for their whole lives. I do believe that men in particular have an evolutionary drive to procreate with different women. I'd suggest the stats on male/female infidelity would bare that out.

I choose to be single and engage in sex when I feel like it without commitment.

Ilovepolos · 19/10/2016 10:47

Absouletly you make it known that your are married, happy and therefore not available! What else would you do?

It's ok to be flattered by attention, but it's not ok to encourage it

It's ok to talk to so,embody you find attractive, but it's not ok to text/call them behind your DH back

It's ok to be attracted to somebody but it's not ok to think about them constantly

Maybeitsthered · 19/10/2016 10:47

I would suggest it's a struggle for a lot of men to stay faithful. Something they actively work at, not something that is natural to them.

Original poster
EatMeKeepMe · 19/10/2016 10:48

I think the research indicates that there are also strong drives towards infidelity for females, Maybe.

OP posts:
Tomorrowillbeachicken · 19/10/2016 10:49

Not really. Been married for 11.5 years and together almost 14 and to be honest not interested in anyone else.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 19/10/2016 10:50

Hubby also works in a company where he has shifts with only though too so if he cheated at work it would take a big lifestyle change.

Maybeitsthered · 19/10/2016 10:51

I'd agree but women seem more able to keep to society's expectations. Probably as a result of female socialisation to conform and be "good"?

I know that the women I know who have been unfaithful have all done it for emotional reasons. They've fallen for another man, their needs aren't being met at home emotionally etc

The men I know who've been unfaithful have mainly engaged in off the cuff sexual encounters. No emotional driving force.

Mozfan1 · 19/10/2016 10:51

No, it's easy for me to stay monogamous.

Original poster
EatMeKeepMe · 19/10/2016 10:51

So where are the alleged 40%+ women in marriages who are unfaithful, if no one much will even admit to finding it a challenge? Perhaps the demographic here is unrepresentative.

OP posts:
Mozfan1 · 19/10/2016 10:52

Where is that stat from?

DoubleCarrick · 19/10/2016 10:54

op i have a feeling that most on MN will strongly advocate monogamy.

I understand where you're coming from. Monogamy doesn't necessarily come naturally to me but I know that DH is monogamous and wouldn't want to even consider anything otherwise. I'm head over heels in love with him so am happy to go down that route. If my feelings changed I'd have to have some very frank and honest conversations with him. Equally, I've told him that if he's ever tempted to come and chat to me

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 19/10/2016 10:54

No, it doesn't interest me.

Original poster
EatMeKeepMe · 19/10/2016 10:55

Yes, Double, sounds like we are in similar positions, and I've also had those open chats with DH.

OP posts:
user1474781546 · 19/10/2016 10:58

I don't struggle, I have been with my OH for 20 years. Those "opportunities" you talk of only happened to me when I was single and interested in dating. I do see attractive men but if someone starts flirting with me I don't respond.

I have a very happy life. OH and both heavily invested in our family, we work brilliantly as a team, we are enthusiastic and attentive towards each other sexually.

I would do nothing to jepordise that.

FlyingElbows · 19/10/2016 10:58

No. I've been with Mr Elbows for 20 years and have no interest in anyone else. I would suggest that if "opportunities" keep arising in the workplace then perhaps you are the opportunity and not fully committed to your relationship.

Anonforagoodreason · 19/10/2016 10:58

I am really struggling with this right now.

Been with OH for 14 years and completely faithful to him. We've had a rocky road this last year, but I still love him. We've had a lot of relationship counselling, which has helped to a certain extent, but we still are struggling.

However, I have developed feelings for a friend of his who has spent a lot of time at our house recently, and has been very kind to the whole family. He's not particularly gorgeous or anything, but he's been interested in me and what I have to say, and it's such a change to have someone around who feels positively interested in you when there's been sniping and apathy from your partner (we are both snappy, not just him).

I get the very strong impression he has developed feelings back, although he has never been inappropriate, apart from one pissed text.

It's really difficult. I am limiting contact, but difficult to cut off completely without making OH aware, and I know it would really hurt him to tell him. I go out when he's coming round, and just say a quick hello if we are in the same room, but I still fancy him, and if we were both single we'd have definitely been shagging by now. (he's in a relationship with someone who blows very hot and cold on him).

I think it feels more intense because for years I've felt like "just mum" and lost any sexual desire for anyone. I nearly told OH he could go and have sex with other people at one point, I was so unbothered. I felt bad for him that he clearly wanted sex, but just couldn't give it to him.

All of a sudden my libido came back with a vengeance, and overwhelmed OH a bit.

I'm also overweight and don't feel great about the way I look generally. It is such a massive turn on to be desired by someone else.

I am resisting, because my OH and kids come before anything, and I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt them. But it is very difficult. It's the thrill of the chase, and the excitement of knowing that someone desires you - despite the way you feel about yourself and the way you look.

I would have made a lot of the same comments as other people before this happened. It's taken me by surprise and I'm not proud of myself for having feelings, I know if OH felt like this about one of my friends I'd be gutted.

I can see it would be very easy to have an affair. We could do it very easily, practically speaking. But I won't, and I know he is also resisting his feelings for me. He is genuinely a good friend to OH, and likes him. He likes spending time with our family and our kids love him.

I hope that this ridiculous crush subsides on both sides with time and no contact, and we're able to go back to being friends in the future. I think a lot of it is where we both are in our relationships, and hopefully things will get better for both of us there. OH and I are trying to make some positive changes, and we will have some time together as a couple soon, which I hope will really help us.

I'm also very aware that the fantasy of this man does not bear much resemblence to the reality of being a divorced mum and having the same arguments about family life. I keep reminding myself of that very forcefully.

My message to everyone would be not to be complacent though. This snuck up on me. It can happen to anyone. Long term relationships are hard and need a lot of work.

albertatrilogy · 19/10/2016 10:59

I've been married over twenty years. Sometimes men - colleagues, friends, people who have just come into my circle - seem to offer some welcome quality that my husband lacks, or isn't showing.

Marriage goes through bad and boring patches. If these coincide with times when somebody new 'wakes you up' in some way, then yes monogamy is not the easiest state.

However, I'm glad that I had a lot of different relationships before I got married. So there's a realism where you know that the initial spark always changes into something else. The spark isn't everything.

ShoesieQ · 19/10/2016 11:00

Ermmmmm, to the various pearl-clutchers out there I think the OP knows what to do to be faithful - she just finds it hard at times and is asking if others feel the same. Well for what it's worth at times I struggle too, and before DP would usually cave in after a few years. Thank god I met him - though it's not easy at times we're 10 years in and I've not strayed. Realise that to many of you that won't sound like much of an achievement, but for me it is.

Funnily enough when I first met my Birth mother in my late 20s I found she was the same so maybe there's something genetic in this, at least for me, who knows?

Original poster
EatMeKeepMe · 19/10/2016 11:04

Ta, Shoes Smile
I do indeed know how to be faithful, and will continue to be so, because I love DH without question. I think the many shades of grey in human relationships preclude the kind of certainty and judgment I see in many of the posts here. But each of us struggles to find a way to see the world that works best for them, so... well, each to their own. I think there's still a bit of a problem culturally with women expressing elements of their sexuality which aren't entirely adherent to social norms. Less so for men.

OP posts:
hungryhippo90 · 19/10/2016 11:05

I'm on the fence with this one!
I do struggle with monogamy. I really do. My husband and I have very different sex drives, and even if we didn't, I do feel that it tends to get very "samey" after a while. People must want to mix it up sometimes?

This all being said, I choose to be married, and that equals monogamy to me...as hard as it may sometimes be.

Anonforagoodreason · 19/10/2016 11:07

I'm similar Shoesie. I had a lot of casual sex in my twenties, I never cheated, but I didn't have a lot of long term relationships. I was a bit addicted to the thrill of the chase.

A lifetime is a long time, and I agree with albert that it's hard when you go through a difficult patch and real life feels tedious and boring, and the spark is suddenly ignited by someone else.

Those of you with open relationships - how does it work? How do you feel when your partner has sex with someone else? I think I'd be less bothered by it than OH, but still feel odd about it. Are they friends or strangers?

Original poster
EatMeKeepMe · 19/10/2016 11:10

Anonfor, that sounds really difficult - I'm sorry you've been going through such a hard time, and I totally agree about how things can "sneak up" in life. Hang on in there. I think it sounds like you're handling it well by removing all oxygen from the "crush flame". All the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
EatMeKeepMe · 19/10/2016 11:12

Shoes, congrats on 10 years, by the way Smile.

OP posts:
Mouseinahole · 19/10/2016 11:13

I have been married three times..divorced (he was unfaithful), widowed and now happily married for 28 years. I have NEVER been unfaithful. It honestly has never been at all difficult.

Coffeeineedyou · 19/10/2016 11:14

Me and dh have been together 20 years and I've never really struggled to be faithful to him. I've never been tempted to cheat

For me marriage means being faithful, and yes marriages are hard work but nothing in life that is worth it is easy.

Yes after 20 years sex has has periods of being "samey" but as a couple we try a new position, have sex somewhere we never have before, I invest in some nice undies to get the motor running

I don't entertain "opportunities" if I'm out with friends for some wine for example if a guy starts flirty i make it clear his wasting his time as I am very happily married.

Of course I am attracted to other men, I can appreciate a good looking fella but nothing would ever come of it

Swipe left for the next trending thread