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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you find monogamy/fidelity difficult?

215 replies

EatMeKeepMe · 19/10/2016 10:21

If you're in love/with "the one", and have been with them long term, do you find it challenging to stay monogamous?

My DH (been together 14 years, have kids, etc) is my absolute best friend and soul mate, and I really fancy him. But there are still times when it's really hard not to take opportunities with other people. I never would, but it makes me wonder: is it always hard to behave yourself in long term relationships? Or is it effortless for some people? If you find it effortless, is this because of something you've done (chastity belt?), or has it always come naturally to you?

OP posts:
BowieFan · 19/10/2016 22:05

Nope, I'm very happy. Not that I wouldn't dump DP in a second for Matt Bomer or Ryan Gosling. But since that's unlikely to happen, I'm not exactly finding being completely and utterly happy with DP that hard.

MargaretCavendish · 19/10/2016 22:14

Yes, I find it hard sometimes. To be honest, the thing that really stops me is that I have cheated in previous relationships, and so I know for an absolute fact that the thrill of that encounter isn't worth the feeling of sick guilt in the morning. I've had nights since I've been with my husband where I've been tempted, and woken up flooded with relief in the morning that I didn't do anything.

I find myself tempted much less frequently now, and I think that's partially because of that experience, but also because I'm happier with my husband than with previous partners, and because I've got happier with myself as I've got older. As a teenager and in my early twenties I was pretty awful for leading male admirers on: I almost always had some guy following me around in addition to the boyfriend of the time. I knew I wasn't behaving well, but I couldn't resist the ego boost. That's definitely subsided as I've grown more secure, and more able to find my self esteem in places other than male approval.

Velvian · 19/10/2016 22:30

Not difficult. You just make a decision to not sleep around. You mention 'the one' which I find a toxic concept; you only have to decide your partner is not actually 'the one' & you have given yourself an excuse.

SecretPrivateThings · 19/10/2016 22:42

Interesting question. My short answer is no. Am very much in love with DH, of course we argue occasionally but I think he is fantastic and he seems to like me Smile. Had a drunken kiss with another man at the beginning of our relationship and still remember the sickening feeling of regret afterwards. Other than that have been completely faithful. Found other men attractive but would never do anything in a million years.

But... I am massively attracted to a female friend and can now see how it can be difficult. She's not interested I don't think and even if she was, I would never do anything about it. It has surprised me though how feelings for others can come even if you are in a happy relationship. Will never jeopardise what I have with DH though and have severely limited contact now with this friend.

glueandstick · 19/10/2016 22:50

I'm too tired to deal with one man let alone any more than that.

MissMoo22 · 19/10/2016 22:58

I've never found it difficult. At all.

Been with DP 15 years since we were 17 and have never once even considered looking elsewhere.

Before I met him I cheated on every single boyfriend I had. I used to think I would be awful when in a long term serious relationship and envisioned myself having multiple affairs as I could never stay faithful as a teen (I know, I was just a teen and had never been in love before DP). But I've never even been tempted and I've had plenty of attention from other men.

I don't think it's hard if you're with the right person.

RoseGoldHippie · 19/10/2016 22:58

I don't get any opportunities!! TBH if I did I would just tell DP and we would have a right laugh (at the opportunity not at me doing anything about it, which I wouldn't)

Am I the only one slightly jealous right now that I don't get these though!! Haha(only slightly joking!)

Anonforagoodreason · 19/10/2016 23:40

So what do you all do when you're sexually frustrated in a monagmous relationship? Husband has just got home from watching football, propositioned him, he's had too stressful a day and wants to relax by playing computer games. 4th time in a week he's turned me down. When we do have sex it's usually pretty good, and up until a few months ago it was the other way round (me turning him down) but now I'm having to sit on my hands not to send a provocative text to the man I know fancies me.

I won't because I know I just want the ego boost of being reminded that I am desired, even if not currently by OH, but there's only so much masturbation I want to do... If I could have a no strings attached romp with no-one getting hurt I absolutely would right now.

SunsetOnTheHorizon · 19/10/2016 23:46

Pinkie is right on point! If you are with 'the one' then you would never cross that boundary.... the affair starts in the mind before rl. Reign in those crazy fantasies and focus on your bit of the grass...keeping that green!

iminshock · 19/10/2016 23:54

When younger yes.
Now, never. My Dp is everything to me.

PickAChew · 19/10/2016 23:56

I've been with mine as long as you and, funnily enough, I never get into situations where "opportunities" arise.

They're only there if you're looking for them. Otherwise, there is nothing to resist.

ImCatbug · 20/10/2016 00:17

I find it hard. My relationship with DH (together 8 years, married for 2) started as monogamous but is now non-monogamous.
This came after many discussions about our relationship, boundaries, what we want etc. We are happy with our marriage but also happy to be with other people (I currently have another relationship alongside my marriage, and have done for almost a year).
DH would be happy to continue being monogamous but I am not a naturally monogamous person. Non-monogamy does not always mean cheating. A strong, loving relationship can work even if it's not monogamous.

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 20/10/2016 00:55

But there is a big difference between being in an 'open' marriage and being non-monogamous.

ChathamDockyard · 20/10/2016 01:17

I've not read the whole thread.

I've been with DH for 34 years. I was young when we started living together and I've never had any problem with staying monogamous. I've had people flirt with me but I find that type of behavior really pathetic and seedy so I am automatically repelled by it.

I do have crushes on people from time to time but I wouldn't dream on acting on them. I occasionally find someone very attractive but I know it's only a looks thing and that I'm not actually interested in following it up in any way at all.

I think I'm good at sending out a clear message that I'm happily married and that I wouldn't appreciate any advances.

I've managed to have a few close male friends over the years who have truly never been anything other than friends .

It's not that everything about our marriage is perfect, we occasionally argue and he irritates gets hell out of me on occasion 😂but overall we have a happy fun and loving relationship and I have no desire at all to look elsewhere.
.

ChathamDockyard · 20/10/2016 01:19

I've just reread my post and I think it sounds a bit smug. Sorry.
I have worked hard at my marriage over the years but I realize there is an element of luck involved too.

LellyMcKelly · 20/10/2016 01:20

PickAChew is right. If you are madly in love, and/or very happy and settled, and look forward to getting home to see your loved one, then it wouldn't even cross your mind to not remain faithful.

Sallystyle · 20/10/2016 02:06

10 years together and ive never felt even a little tempted to cheat. The thought of having sex with anyone else is horrible. I find monogamy easy.

However, in my first marriage which was an unhappy one I didn't manage it. I was also very young and selfish.

Kiwiinkits · 20/10/2016 02:10

I do not find it hard to be monogamous. I only have eyes for DH (10 years in relationship, 7 years married).

Kiwiinkits · 20/10/2016 02:12

Anonforagoodreason sounds like time that the gaming machine got mysteriously "broken"

Ketsby · 20/10/2016 07:56

It's easy to be monogamous when your partner is nice. It's not so easy when your partner doesn't like you, barely speaks to you, thinks you're stupid, plain and a bore and has no interest in working through any problems, yet someone else out there thinks you're fabulous.

Costacoffeeplease · 20/10/2016 08:49

Surely if that's the case ketsby steps should be taken to end the relationship - whether there's another person on the scene or not?

birdybirdywoofwoof · 20/10/2016 08:52

I think the urge for monogamy or not has very little to do with partners - and more to do with personalities.

Blah12 · 20/10/2016 09:15

Sometimes that's hard to do, because of kids family expectations or finances 😕
It's "easier" to be sad yourself and everyone else ok.

albertatrilogy · 20/10/2016 09:19

Part of me thinks that the 'Oh monogamy is easy. I only have eyes for my husband.' crew lack imagination.

To me it's natural - maybe even helpful - to wonder from time to time about the roads we don't travel.

I tend to think of monogamy as an arrangement that has some real practical advantages - sharing a household, bringing up children, looking after somebody who will look after you.

But that doesn't mean that emotionally we are made that way. It'll vary from person to person, obviously

Mozfan1 · 20/10/2016 09:27

I think the urge for monogamy or not has very little to do with partners - and more to do with personalities

That's a good point- I feel like I'm a 'naturally' monogamous person, and as far as I know so does dh. Also seeing infidelity in my parents marriage made me even more committed to being committed iyswim. But I know monogamy doesn't necessarily come naturally to every human being.

Such a great thread!