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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you find monogamy/fidelity difficult?

215 replies

EatMeKeepMe · 19/10/2016 10:21

If you're in love/with "the one", and have been with them long term, do you find it challenging to stay monogamous?

My DH (been together 14 years, have kids, etc) is my absolute best friend and soul mate, and I really fancy him. But there are still times when it's really hard not to take opportunities with other people. I never would, but it makes me wonder: is it always hard to behave yourself in long term relationships? Or is it effortless for some people? If you find it effortless, is this because of something you've done (chastity belt?), or has it always come naturally to you?

OP posts:
gingina · 19/10/2016 11:18

Having been cheated on in the past and knowing the unbearable pain that causes there is no way I would even consider doing that to my lovely DP. IMO if you can do that to someone you apparently love then a) you actually don't love them, and b) you are a selfish shitbag who deserves nothing but pain and unhappiness.

Oysterbabe · 19/10/2016 11:19

I can barely be arsed to "take opportunities" with my husband let alone anyone else. Grin
Cheating wouldn't cross my mind for a second.

Kione · 19/10/2016 11:22

I don't find it easy. Had some rocky times with DP and we discussed it. there was flirting from both sides with other people. I even told him he could have sex with other people as I have lost my sex drive. He never did and he didn't want me to do it.
I have had confidence issues with DP at the start of our relationship, he never fell in love or courted me and I have always missed that.
So it totally depends on the person/past/relationship everything.

HarleyQuinzel · 19/10/2016 11:25

It's never been difficult to stay faithful but I do sometimes wonder who I might have been with if DP wasn't in the picture IYSWIM. We've been together since we were 14 as well so that definitely makes things harder. That's life though, if I wasn't meant to be I think we would have separated over time. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else, it's all I know.

Butterpuff · 19/10/2016 11:25

Oysterbabe Grin I was thinking that. But then I am pregnant and have a toddler, maybe things will be different when I actually get to sleep at night. Wink

newmumwithquestions · 19/10/2016 11:27

I also think that's it's very difficult.

Also depends on the job you do. I've worked in several industries. One job involved lots of extended time working away. You were expected to eat out, 'network' (Urgh I hate that word) etc with colleagues. You can't always just avoid people. On periods of extended working away you enter a little bubble of working long hours in tricky situations where you have to pull together as a team. Friendships form. People are physically distanced from their home life. I know people who had affairs. I didn't but I came pretty close.

Currently I'm a SAHM, have put on weight, and rarely get out. I'm unlikely to have any 'opportunities' present themselves at the moment which is all good with me!

Also as a student I used to waitress/chambermaid at a large hotel - the type that host work conferences. There was an awful lot of alcohol drunk, a lot of both unused rooms or 'very used' rooms. The profile of those attending the conferences weren't usually young and single. I think it's pretty common for people to act on opportunities, and we're kidding ourselves if we think otherwise!

Buck3t · 19/10/2016 11:27

Yes

VestalVirgin · 19/10/2016 11:28

I never would, but it makes me wonder: is it always hard to behave yourself in long term relationships? Or is it effortless for some people? If you find it effortless, is this because of something you've done (chastity belt?), or has it always come naturally to you?

I am a natural loner. Am single and rather envious of those many temptations other people seem to encounter.

And even if I was tempted more often ... the one time I was attracted to a man who was in a relationship, he was not attracted to me.

So, not a problem. Possibly, if I was in a relationship, tempatations would suddenly start to materialize, because Murphy's Law and all that, but since I find it so laughably easy to be celibate, monogamy would likely not present a problem, either.

Branleuse · 19/10/2016 11:29

I like monogamy. Ive played around with non monogamy and found it stressful and pointless. Id rather give my all and have proper intimacy with one person. I dont find monogamy hard

HazelBite · 19/10/2016 11:37

I have been married twice If I had stayed with ExH any longer I might have cheated due to the fact I was feeling so unloved and miserable with him but I didn't I kicked him out before I felt the need to stray.
DH and I have been together for 40 years, I love and respect him greatly he is decent and loyal and a wonderful father, it has never entered my head to think of straying.
My view is there is something wrong with your relationship if you are happy to take up the "opportunities"

Peach9876 · 19/10/2016 11:37

I think this is a thing that varies so much person to person.
I myself am very careful about who I want to be physically close to, and by that I mean how far or close I want to stand near someone else. I put it down to low self confidence and self worth. I feel awkward in my own skin and that transpires to my sex drive and how I feel about being flirty/romantic.
I think someone who is much more confident or who doesn't place as much self worth on how others view them might have an easier time 'getting intimate' or just generally getting closer and flirting.

So for me a man can be attractive, but that doesn't mean I want to be within arms reach of him. So no I don't find it difficult, but can understand how others might.

HarleyQuinzel · 19/10/2016 11:39

I do work in healthcare though, so not the sexiest of professions Grin

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 19/10/2016 11:40

I agree OP, monogamy/fidelity is difficult for me. I've been with DP for 20 years and I have been tempted and gone too far really in the past. I work in quite a male-dominated area so there are lots of opportunities for flirting and it's nice to have attention and I enjoy it for what it is. Whether I would act on it given the opportunity - I'm not sure. What would hold me back is knowing DP would never cheat on me and would be devastated if he thought I would.

The thing is that I know I could have a fling without it going too far - it would be for sex pure and simple.

amusedbush · 19/10/2016 11:44

I'm really struggling. My DH has terrible ups and downs with his mental health which kills his libido. It has been two years since we've had sex. I stay because I love him, he's my best friend and the good stuff really does outweigh the bad but there have been times recently that my mind has been going to some pretty horrible places Sad

He knows that I'm frustrated and we are very open about our feelings but unfortunately he can't make himself want to, and it's awful. My self esteem is shot, I've forgotten what it's like for someone to look at me like they had to have me.

namechangedtoday15 · 19/10/2016 11:44

I've never been tempted to cheat but flirt? Yes. Be very close to a work colleague? Yes. I think if you work in an office with lots of banter, a good social scene etc, its not black and white to say don't flirt / pull back from any opportunities.

I complete agree with newmumwithquestions - previous job involved lots of residentials, I was single at the time but most people weren't and there was lots of shall we say non-work related networking.

I have also (in a different job) shared an office with a man (just the 2 of us) for quite a long period of time (years) and we developed a really close bond and friendship. Both happily married, so nothing ever came of it, but you can see clearly that in some industries / firms it is much more likely for opportunities to present themselves, for people to cross the line.

BlueStockingUK · 19/10/2016 11:49

I've met so many men in many different circumstances, some married, some single, some attractive, some not. Work related, socially related, friend's partners, mechanic,teacher etc etc etc !!. It's called being mature and in a loving relationship. Been with my husband for 20 years, we still leave notes before work, text every day & kiss as soon as we walk through the door. I love him, I adore him, sex is often and still amazing. Fidelity & monogamy is for the weak imho
We could all run off with somebody who flirts..
As the famous JD quoted 'If you have an affair, stay with them. If you truly, deeply loved your partner, there would never be another" Wink

SirChenjin · 19/10/2016 11:49

What Oysterbabe says Grin

I'm happy to have a look and often have little shoet-term crushes but the thought of taking it any further doesn't appeal - I love DH and the DC and wouldn't want to break up our wee gang.

UpWithPup · 19/10/2016 11:51

I don't know if it's easy / hard, but I do make a conscious choice to be faithful. I have been unfaithful in previous relationships which I enjoyed / felt no guilt about BUT I know it would make DH very unhappy if I were to do that with him, so I choose not to.

GhettoFabulous · 19/10/2016 11:51

I don't engage in monogamous relationships in the first place. Monogamy's just another fetish, and it happens not to be one of mine.
The cultural insistence on its superiority is quite damaging, actually. It works well enough for some people but makes a lot of others miserable.

Amen to that.

Ifounddory · 19/10/2016 11:53

I can appreciate a good looking man (or woman) but it's always just been a passing glance of appreciation!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/10/2016 11:54

I don't find it difficult, no.
But then I don't often find myself attracted to anyone else either.
Sometimes I think "he's nice-looking" but that's as far as it goes, there's no "chemistry" or sexual feelings.
I've already considered the fact that, should anything happen to DH, or us split up, that I'd be alone for the rest of my life because frankly, I CBA.

This may be because I have a pretty low libido (but really I always have had, it's just got worse since having children) - or it may be something else - but it doesn't bother me.

Sgtmajormummy · 19/10/2016 11:54

I posted about this yesterday in a thread that went in a COMPLETELY different direction, so I looked like an oversharer!
Like a PP says, when you're in a hothouse environment with colleagues and getting along well, it can occasionally cause a spark of sexual tension or even more. That "hungry" look from a passer-by might get you wondering...

I just think of it that nothing could be better than the excitement, joy and physical attraction DH and I had at the start of our relationship. That was over two decades ago and we've matured, grown together, made a life and family since then.

So now "a bit on the side" just strikes me as a denial of all the good things we have. Falling in love in your 20s is too good a memory to trash with casual sex.

whycantwegoonasthree · 19/10/2016 12:00

Monogamy is the choice many people make, it works for a lot of people, but to the point that other relationship types are seen as weird or deviant.

I'm happily in a polyamorous relationship. Which works perfectly well for the three of us, and we're all quite happy. But it's hard to be open about it as much as we'd like to be because a lot of people are judgey about it, or make assumptions about the nature of our setup which aren't true but which they can't be dissuaded of.

I think people all sit somewhere on a sliding scale of polyamorous through to monogamous, just like they do with homosexual / heterosexual. And so there should be greater acceptance of different relationship setups, provided they're honest, consensual and healthy for all concerned.

MoonStar07 · 19/10/2016 12:02

I've wondered but know how much I love my husband our lives and our children. I know there is no way at all life would be better without them or him. I feel lucky we have what we do and just blessed. I'm still very much in love and don't want to ever be without him

LoisWooookersonsLastNerve · 19/10/2016 12:03

When I was a gorgeous teenager with lots of attention from other gorgeous teens it was hard. Now I'm grumpy, tired sod with attention from fellow sods it's easy to say no Grin

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