To ask if you find monogamy/fidelity difficult?

[EatMeKeepMe]

If you're in love/with "the one", and have been with them long term, do you find it challenging to stay monogamous?

My DH (been together 14 years, have kids, etc) is my absolute best friend and soul mate, and I really fancy him. But there are still times when it's really hard not to take opportunities with other people. I never would, but it makes me wonder: is it always hard to behave yourself in long term relationships? Or is it effortless for some people? If you find it effortless, is this because of something you've done (chastity belt?), or has it always come naturally to you?

mother I did too. But I was single. I'm happier now than I've been in any other relationship and happier than when I was single.
I shall just reflect with a smile on my youth

I have never been unfaithful to my husband and don't intend to ever be. I do enjoy the odd crush though! I would never act on it but what's the harm in having the odd little fantasy about another man as long as you don't act on it? It makes me feel good. I'm sure my husband looks at other women too, I'd be amazed if he didn't! It can be boring being in a monogamous relationship and it puts a spring in my step to fancy someone or be fancied every now and then. It's never come to the point where I've had to tell someone I'm unavailable though as it's obvious I am. Nothing wrong with a little harmless flirting imo as long as both parties know where they stand and it doesn't progress any further.

I am short, fat and very plain so in terms of having an affair I think I am pretty much bullet proof. However in my earlier days, under the influence of alcohol, away from home in a team with a Vegas rule (what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas) would I have trusted myself so well?

Like anyone with low self-esteem would I have been susceptible to flattery from someone with their beer goggles on? From this side of the menopause it is easy to say 'No, I would have held true'.

I agree that there is a point every time when you stop and make your position clear, as pinkie said.

I agree that there is a point every time when you stop and make your position clear

This could be taken in a number of ways....

I too struggle with this. Together 19 years, married for 17, virtually sexless for 13. DH is a good man and I love him. We have a happy family life and share many of the same interests and have a close, shared, mixed-sex friendship group that pre-dates us getting together.

As a singleton, I had a great sex life with (safe) ONS and relatively short relationships. Also, most of my platonic friendships were with guys and I've maintained those friendships, sometimes DH is there, sometimes not.

Increasingly, I am craving the feeling of being nurtured / desired / pursued / courted. I definitely get some of the nurturing from my male friends and these friendships are becoming even more important. In terms of strict fidelity, they are very safe and the relationships are entirely public and open. If I'm really honest though, at least one is probably straying into an emotional affair and will only not progress because neither of us will allow it.

I can't decide whether never having those feelings or much of a sex life, again is worth the pain of leaving an otherwise good marriage. And staying faithful is hard but I know that, if my marriage isn't working, I have to leave it before starting another relationship.

In a word, no. I married fairly late and by that point I had had enough of the singles scene and was ready to commit to one partner.

I'd also kissed more than my fair share of princes who turned out to be frogs and that's made me really appreciate what I have.

I met dh just before I turned 30 and tbh in my 20s I couldn't often be bothered hooking up or dating very often so the past ten years of fidelity have been pretty easy for me.

I've always found it easy. If, before I was married, I was in a relationship and started to find another man or men attractive that told me I needed to break up with my current partner; that the relationship wasn't important enough to me. I'd split up before I moved on. I wouldn't cheat because that would seriously dent my self respect. I've got no time for cheats so I would hate to be one.

I was with my DH for 17 years until the inconsiderate bugger went and died on me. We loved each other and found the trust between us so rewarding. Neither of us had any trouble being faithful. Sure, sometimes attractive others turn up. You just make sure they know you're committed and take care not to spend time with them or encourage flirting. I often read accounts that say something like "we only met for a few innocent drinks then somehow we fell in love" and I'm thinking there was nothing innocent about it, you both lied to yourselves about your motives and now you're talking as though the sex just sorta happened. Sad bastards.

I think one reason I find monogamy easy is that I don't find secrecy any sort of turn on. I like sexual relationships to be open and transparent. I know some people find the sneaking around aspect of cheating really exciting and I can imagine that makes it hard to be faithful.

Also, years of timed intercourse whilst TTC means that sex is the last thing on my mind right now. (Not complaining though. I am honestly over the moon to have finally achieved my dream).

I sometimes find other people attractive but don't find it too hard not to act on it. Everyone is different though, of course. Personally, I think one of the most dangerous myths about relationships is that if you are developing feelings for someone else it means there is something wrong with your primary relationship. Honestly, that might be the case sometimes but mostly I think it's bollocks people use to justify selfish behaviour. And some unfortunate people buy into this myth and end up losing something incredibly precious to them because they believed it wasn't really worth that much else they wouldn't be looking elsewhere. It's normal for a long term relationship to have ups and downs, ebbs and flows. For me, what defines those that make it is that both parties understand that and are committed to each other through the bad as well as the good. It's OK to fancy other people, just enjoy it and don't get too close!

Have been with DH for 25 years, and it's always felt effortless to stay faithful to him. I am very loyal by nature. Plus, he was, and always will be, the most attractive man I have ever met, which is why I married him

No.
And, i don't get opportunities with anyone else.

I'm not even attracted to other men now I'm married, and I had a lot of 'dates' in my younger years and have a lot of 'experience'. I've surprised myself tbh, I never even look at other men at all, and despite being a wonderful flirt, I never do anymore. (modest too)

I love dh so much, I love our family and our life, couldn't imagine anything would be worth risking that for.

I think I just get bored easily. I'm the same with jobs and interior decor.

I love my husband and our family too and wouldn't dream of doing anything to put that into jeopardy. I still enjoy a mild flirtation with other men though. If a man is spoken for and knows you are too what is the harm in brightening each other's day a little? I can't believe all these people who say they never find another man attractive now they're married! If my DH never found other women attractive I'd be amazed. I don't want to hear about it when he does and I certainly don't want him to act on it but I wouldn't be upset if he indulged in a little flirty banter. In fact it makes him more attractive to me and reminds me he's a sexual being, which is sometimes easy to forget with 2 small children and all the accompanying domestic drudge..!

Birdybirdy

ells I'm not saying I don't find other men attractive, at times. But, my DH has always been much more attractive than any of them

Perhaps I missed something...but nobody seems to have mentioned different kinds/styles of sex. This is what I find difficult about monogamy. What me and he have is amazing and wonderful, all 17 years and two brilliant kids of it but there are things he just isn't into and I am. Does being together long term means that it just stops here though? No more adventure, ever? Really not sure I am ready for that or want him to be. We talk about threesomes and have come very close but it does come down to opportunities and spontaneity. Both of which seem to decrease as we age, gah.

I never stop being tempted, but it's like a daydream that will never happen. Fret not.

As for different kinds of sex, it helps if you're very compatible sexually and happy to mess about a bit. I know the secret to avoiding sexual boredom but as I plan to write a book about it I will keep it to myself for the moment.

It's something I strugged with immensely before marriage. Low self esteem made me very vulnerable to flattery from men leading to something more.

I know im still easily tempted now even years later so i avoid friendships with men. At work I keep it light and stick with couple of female friends

I didn't find it difficult, but my ex did (don't know whether to post a grin] or a face right now).

Some do, some don't, I guess. Unfortunately, for those who have been cheated on, the idea of 'monogamy' and 'fidelity' becomes a bit tarnished. However, I live in hope!

Only the sad emoji appeared! That's revealing!

I'm grinning at my ex's infidelity. Really, I am!

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