To ask if you find monogamy/fidelity difficult?

[EatMeKeepMe]

If you're in love/with "the one", and have been with them long term, do you find it challenging to stay monogamous?

My DH (been together 14 years, have kids, etc) is my absolute best friend and soul mate, and I really fancy him. But there are still times when it's really hard not to take opportunities with other people. I never would, but it makes me wonder: is it always hard to behave yourself in long term relationships? Or is it effortless for some people? If you find it effortless, is this because of something you've done (chastity belt?), or has it always come naturally to you?

"were you flirty/picked up signals when you were single?"

No, I'm just not flirty...that's what I meant by it's not a decision , I'm just, not.

I met my DP as a teenager, so it's not something I ever had to do to start a relationship and it's just not something that comes naturally to me. (I did have relationships before him, they didn't require flirting either, lol)

I think I'd actually struggle to start a relationship with someone new if I was single TBH.

I don't even flirt with DP, really, well not in a way that other people would recognise, lol.

I do have good work friends, sometimes men and I get on well with DP's friends and my female friends' OH's, it's just I've never had anything that I'd have thought of as more than that.

My partner and I have decided we want a monogamous relationship. I couldn't share him nor him me.
I do love the memories of those early oxytocin fuelled nights where you wouldn't sleep for shagging and I know as a couple we won't have those again but I have spent a lot of time in unhappy relationships and he makes me happy.
Very happy.
We spoke about affairs start. They don't start when you kiss or have sex or even after an emotional affair.
They start over a cup of coffee. Don't go for the coffee. I'll post a good link in a moment which is where I learnt about the coffee.
We have both agreed never to meet up with 'new' friends of the opposite sex alone.
We do both have male and female friends of longstanding who we see individually or as a group.

My husband is now retired. Am I meant to go round trailing after him, having cups of coffee with his mates - not all of who are that interesting?

Rather than get on with my own life.

Life is too short. Really it is.

Its actually called the ten second rule!
www.careforthefamily.org.uk/family-life/marriage-support/the-ten-second-rule

Am I meant to go round trailing after him, having cups of coffee with his mates - not all of who are that interesting?

this made me laugh, alberta

Alberta don't know if your confusing post is aimed at me?

do take a moment of gratitude too- you've been good but you've also been lucky.

Yes it is one of the few advantages of having a face like a bulldog licking piss off a stinging nettle, temptation is rarely (ie. never) put in my path.

I've been with DP for 10 years and I can honestly say I've never even thought about being with anyone else. I joke about having a weekend pass with hugh jackman but truthfully I wouldn't even cheat with him

It's got nothing to do with "congratulating" myself on my "moral sense" or "luck". It's about respect for myself, respect for my husband, respect for our children, respect for our family, respect for the marriage vows I meant every word of and respect for the other people who would be damaged. I'm fully aware of the all powerful drive of attraction, it exists between me and Mr Elbows. For us it's not a fleeting thing that was gone after 6 months. I appreciate the concept of "you can't help who you fall in love with" but you very much can help who you fuck! You don't do it if you're relationship is healthy and nurtured. That's not self satisfied married smuggery it's just true. If a relationship leaves you emotionally or physically neglected then I can understand why people stray but that's no reason to spit venom at those of us who don't. Personally I get a bit sick of people being offended by those with successful marriages.

Whoever described monogamy as a fetish, I agree. That's not to say I'm not monogamous but I sometimes wish we lived in a society where one could recognise and act on purely sexual feelings without it meaning anything about other relationships. Mostly when I daydream about work crushes

I have a rather unromantic view of sex though (and I'm a biologist, so tend towards a rather reductive view of most of our actions). For me, it's a physical act, it's "fucking". I've never "made love" in my life. I've never stared into my husband's eyes during sex and thought of what we're doing as a sacred act of love. Laughing together, dancing together, holding him when his mother died, that stuff is a sacred part of our love. "Fucking" someone does not really feed into the "soulmate" intimacy of a relationship for me. And the relationship I have with my husband is predicated on something I feel runs much deeper than anything physical could ever touch.

I was once asked what I'd do if my husband cheated on me. And I, hand on heart, cannot evoke any emotion regarding the physical nature of any such cheating. I rationalise that if, by perhaps some tragic accident, I was unable to have any sex with my husband, I would still remain married to him. That's an acknowledgment that sex is not the be-all-end-all of our relationship. So why should I place more importance on sex if he had it with someone else? I'd be more devastated at him falling in love with someone else (that goes without saying but just in case....)

Anyway, enough rambling....

Joking aside, I agree it's a good point, dona, that affairs can much more easily be stopped when you're jut starting out meeting someone. The point at which you choose to draw the line must be quite person/relationship-specific I think.

i fervently hope hugh jackman is too nice to cheat on his wife, him and jamie dornan - part of their appeal is that they seem like nice family men!

That's a helpful article. I think about this sometimes. I understand the difference between doing the right thing, as in the ten second rule, and having feelings that take a very different path and I don't have any trouble maintaining the "right" decisions that help me to keep what I want. I have the best home life I could hope for but if I were to ever have a bucket list I would put on it aspects of intimacy that I miss. Existentially I see my life as my own, so I have the right to make decisions to try and live my life as I wish, and there are things I want that exist outside of the boundaries of my chosen good life, but aiming for them would mean choosing to leave this good thing behind for that good thing.

Oh, I will add that I've witnessed several incidences of cheating amongst my friends and colleagues over the years, and more than a few of them seem to invent this romanticised view of the illicit affair. They create an emotional relationship in order to validate the physical aspect (because we're conditioned to think that we can't have sex without love? that it somehow excuses infidelity?). I have slightly more respect (not the right word, but forgive me) for those who acknowledge it for what it is without tying themselves in knots over it.

And I like your post maidofstars, and your name!

I like your post, Maid. I'm with you on a lot of what you say. I suspect I'm slightly more emotional about sex than you (at least at some times in the month - maybe not others), but I really hope that if DH had sex with someone else I'd be able to not let that ruin our relationship. I do think we - societally - put far too much emphasis on it sometimes (especially in the day and age of contraception, which must make some of our inbuilt instincts about it somewhat anachronistic?).

Not at all, never been tempted, would never do it to the best of my knowledge and belief.

But I do think about my ex sometimes. More in a "things I wish I had said to you, you fuckwit" kind of a way than in a cheating kind of a way, but I still wish he'd fuck off out of my head altogether!

"Don't go for the coffee."

But I really like coffee lol

I dunno, I've been with my DP 21 years, I'm that time I've had coffee alone with friend's husbands, or gone for coffee with a male work colleague - and never had an issue.

I've never been invited for coffee though, it's things like I pop in to visit and it's just their husband in, so we have coffee, chat and I go...or wait for the friend if she's due back. Or I'm with someone at work and either we're away somewhere and would be hanging about otherwise or we need to discuss something, hand over work and it's as easy to meet for coffee as do anything else because we work in different places, we then talk about all sorts of things, but that wasn't the purpose of going for coffee.

I do have resting bitch face though, maybe that's why? Rofl

i agree with you too Maid I've spent time thinking about doing the nasty with plenty of blokes without considering them as life partners or fathers of my children.

Also with you maid what you say makes sense to me.

I don't think wanting/having a shag with someone else would invalidate my feelings for DP because they are much deeper than just sex.

I'm interested that on this thread the majority are monogamous but there is a reasonable proportion of us who do not consider fidelity the be all and end all of a relationship. We would probably have been burnt at the stake in the past!

I have been with DH for 18 years most of which have been virtually sexless and hugless(actually harder to deal with than the sex- can't get a battery operated hug toy!) He is a caring, intelegent, interesting, kind guy, a good father and provider but it is so hard sometimes to do. I failed once and had an affair which was terrible as understandably I lost home, kids and my own family turned me away. I went back and things were good for about another ten years- superficially we are comfortably off and family, kids and DH happy, yet I yearn for something more. I am going to have therapy to see if that helps as I am terrified equally of hurting/ disappointing everyone and carrying on the same. It is hard and those who find it easy are lucky.

I go for coffee and lunches with plenty of men at work and haven't had an affair.

It's how friendships start as well as affairs.

I'm not exclusively remaining friends with only DH or women so will continue to have coffees.

I have recognised however when my mind wanders and I feel attracted to someone else. That's the point when I think I'll withdraw from an individual even when I've been unhappy in my marriage.

There was an occasion when I was away on a conference and a friend was clearly coming on to me (we were both drunk). I walked away as knew that if we walked back to the hotel alone it could have been a disaster.

So is it hard? Yes! But I'm married and if I want to end if, I owe it to DH to end it properly not by having an affair.

Blah I don't blame you for looking elsewhere if you've been in a sexless marriage for 18 years. Personally I think a partner shutting down and taking sex off the marital table is just as bad (perhaps worse as it's slower in its destruction) than an affair. Sounds like your DH is the one who needs therapy, not you.

Blah for you

There is no damn way I'm never meeting a man alone just in case Feelthy Thoughts assail me.

I find monogamy practical, but really quite boring. I used to have a whale of a time having sex with attractive new people.